BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL

ARCHER

Serenity Inc., Part Three
Thursday, June 5, 2003

Spoof spoof spoof.


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2818    RATING: 10    SERIES: FIREFLY

INT. SERENITY TRAILER - LATER

Crew and passengers are gathered in the dining area. Archer's giving 'em the welcome speech.

Archer "Meals are taken up here in the dining area, the kitchen is pretty much self-explanatory, you're welcome to eat what there is any time, what there is is pretty standard fare, I guess, Spam in all the colors of the rainbow. We do have sit-down meals, the next one being at about 1800."

Kaythryn "I think Profressor Wulfhawk has offered to help me prepare something."

Archer (to Wulfhawk) "You're a professor?"

Wulfhawk "Thought the outfit gave it away. Is it a problem?"

Kathryn "Of course not!" (to Archer) "It's no problem, 'cause it's not."

Archer "No." (to the group) "As I said, you're welcome to visit the dining area any time. Apart from that, I have to ask you to stay in the sleeper while we're driving. The cab, the engine, trailer, -- they're all off limits without an escort."

HFK "Some of my personal effects are in the cargo bay."

Archer "I figure you all got luggage you're gonna need to get into. Soon as we're done here we'll be happy to fetch 'em with you. Now I have to tell you all one other thing and I apologize in advance for the inconvenience. Unfortunately, we've been ordered by the government to drop some medical supplies off in Del Rio. It's in Texas, a little bit out of our way, but we should have you in Yuma no more than a day off schedule."

HFK "What medical supplies?"

Archer "I honestly didn't ask."

Sarah "Probably plasma, insulin, whatever they ain't got enough of on the border."

Archer "Government says jump..."

HFK "All right."

Archer "Sarah, you wanna take 'em to the cargo bay?"

Sarah "Yes, Sir."

Archer "Anything else you need, just... ask. We, uh, we're here to serve."

Crew and passengers take two steps from the dining area to where the boxes are stacked, while Archer and Lerx turn around and walk toward the end of the trailer.

Archer "Did you send word to Channain?"

Lerx "Ain't heard back yet. Didn't she shoot you one time?"

Archer "Four times." (baffled) "Everybody's makin' a fuss."

People are getting the luggage they need. HFK is placing things into an elegant little valise -- all while eyeing his special blue box. Sergeant X walks up behind Simon and stumbles into him.

Sergeant X "Oops! I'm sorry."

Sarah climbs down from a stack of boxes and nods at Wulfhawk, who walks past her with a bag and a small box. Wulfhawk walks over to where Archer and Kaythryn are standing near the back of the trailer. Wulfhawk hands his bag and box to Kaythryn, who beams at him.

ANGLE: THE SUV HITCHED TO THE TRAILER

Defender steps out of it, in a simple but elegant business-wear. She climbs in as the group notices her.

Archer "Ah, the Ambassador graces us with her presence."

Wulfhawk looks up.

Defender "Hello, Archer. I see we have some new faces."

Kaythryn "Hey you."

Defender "Hey you."

Archer "Ambassador, this is Professor Wulfhawk."

Defender "I'd have to say this is the first time we've had a educator on board."

Wulfhawk "Well, I wasn't expecting to see a state official, either." (takes her hand, bows slightly) "Ambassador."

Archer laughs. Defender glowers at him.

Wulfhawk (cont'd) "I'm missing something funny."

Kaythryn (glaring at Archer) "Not so funny."

Defender "'Ambassador' is Archer's way of --"

Archer "She's a lawyer, professor."

Wulfhawk's clearly a little thrown.

Kaythryn (annoyed) "The term is 'Public Defender.'"

Archer "Yeah, I always get those mixed up." (to Defender) "How's business?"

Defender "None of yours."

Archer (to Wulfhawk) "She is pretty much our ambassador. There's plenty of towns won't even let me park without a decent Defender on board. This... this isn't a problem for you, is it, Professor?"

Wulfhawk "Well, I... I certainly..."

Defender (turns to go) "It's all right. I mostly keep to myself." (passing Archer) "When I'm not lawyering."

Archer "Don't you wanna meet the rest of the bunch?"

Defender "Why don't you make sure they want to meet me first?"

Defender and Kaythryn head out together.

Kaythryn "So how many wanted to put you on a permanent retainer to save their bacon again later?"

Defender "Just the one. I think I'm slipping."

INT. SERENITY TRAILER- DINING ROOM - CONTINUING

Kaythryn has made her way up with the box, lays it on the counter. Quietly excited, she opens it, looks in. A beat, then she pulls out a tub of Ben&Jerry's ice cream. She gets a spoon and takes a taste.

Kaythryn's having herself an Herbal Essences shampoo moment with this ice cream.

INT. SERENITY - DINING ROOM - LATER

Wulfhawk and Kaythryn have made dinner. People are gathering, sitting, helping themselves to things -- everybody's moving and talking over each other and everyone's there save Lerx and Defender.

Sarah "Oh, this is incredible."

Wulfhawk "It's not much -- I had a freezer in my office, thought I should bring what I could."

HFK "It's very kind of you to share with all of us."

Sarah "I'm gonna make a plate for Lerx..."

Wulfhawk (to HFK) "Well, it won't last, and they're never the same when they're thawed. The important thing is the spices. A man can live on packaged food from here 'til Judgment Day if he's got enough rosemary."

Sergeant X (over this, to Maniac) "Can you pass me the canned tomatoes?"

He does, after taking several slices. People settle.

Wulfhawk "Captain, you mind if I discuss free market economic theory?"

Archer "Only if you do it out loud."

A beat -- Archer has broken the mood. He starts eating, others follow. Wulfhawk lowers his head a moment, as do Kaythryn, Sergeant X, and Maniac, then they eat as well.

HFK "So, does it happen a lot? Government commandeering your truck, telling you where to go?"

Archer "That's what governments are for -- get in a man's way."

Sergeant X "Well, it's good, if the supplies are needed."

Maniac "We're just happy to be doing good works."

As one, everybody from the crew nods enthusastically and beams with bright, fakey smiles.

Sergeant X "I hear a lot of the border towns are in bad shape. Plagues, and famine..."

Sarah "Well, some of that's exaggerated, and some of it ain't. All those towns --just like the big cities, they're as close to New York City as we could make 'em: overcrowded, rude, polluted and such, but..."

Archer "Once they're terraformed, they'll dump settlers on there with nothing but blankets, hatchets, maybe dialup net access. Some of them make it, some of them..."

HFK "Then I guess it's good we're helping."

Crew repeats previous enthusiastic nodding and bright fakey smiles.

Kaythryn (to HFK) "You're a Geek, right?"

HFK "Oh. Uh, yes. Yes, I was a Technical Support Floor Supervisor in Delaware."

Archer "Long way from here."

Kaythryn (to HFK) "You seem so young. To be a Geek."

HFK (changing the subject) "Yeah. You're pretty young to be a truck mechanic."

Kaythryn "No how. Machines just got workings, and they talk to me."

Wulfhawk "That's a rare gift."

Kaythryn "Oh, not like being a Geek. Helping fix computers, that's important."

Maniac "Little Kaythryn here just wishes you was a slash fiction writer."

Maniac cackles. Kaythryn, visibly humiliated, looks down.

Archer (hard) "Maniac. You'll keep a civil tongue in that mouth or I will give you a nut ping, is there an understanding between us?"

Maniac "You don't pay me to talk pretty. Just because Kaythryn gets lubed-up over some big city dandy --"

Archer "Get out of this trailer. Right now."

A beat. Maniac doesn't believe it, but Archer's expression is stony. Maniac goes, grabbing a bunch of food as he does. Everyone is silent a moment.

HFK "What do you pay him for?"

Archer "What?"

HFK "I was just wondering what his job is. On the truck."

Archer stares a moment.

Archer "Public relations."

COMMENTS

Thursday, June 5, 2003 7:41 PM

ARCHER


That's the irony of it.

Friday, January 27, 2012 12:04 PM

RIVERTAM1


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hee hee... that was FANTASIC! Laughing my head off the whole time.


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