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BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL
Ongoing spoof of the show.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 1875 RATING: 10 SERIES: FIREFLY
EXT. EAVESDOWN TRUCKSTOP - DAY
We see Serenity as she pulls through the dirt lot, bouncing through the ruts. It's a dump of a truckstop, with trucks parked cockeyed and disorderly all over the lot.
The doors open and our gang comes piling out of either side of the truck, all five of them.
"This shouldn't take long. Put us down for departure in about three hours."
"Grab any supplies we're low on. Fuel her up."
Kaythryn makes a note on a yellow pad.
"I'd sure love to find a brand new alternator for the engine."
"And I'd like to be king of all Londinum and wear a shiny hat. Just get us some passengers. Them as can
pay, all right?"
"Alternator gives out, we're coasting..."
"Best not bust, then."
Lerx pulls a mountain bike off the trailer. Sarah, Maniac and Archer start off. Lerx stops the bike and calls out:
"Sarah. Zhu tamin ya min. Zhu yi."
"At least somebody is practicing their Chinglish like they're supposed to be."
She beams a smile at him. He nearly falls off of the bike.
EXT. EAVESDOWN TRUCKSTOP
We're in the middle of the bazaar. We see a sign that advertises: Good DOGS! We see a griddle, with some suspicious looking cuts of meat sizzling on it. A man works the griddle.
We see, passing through the frame, Professor Wulfhawk. He drags a few boxes and suitcases on a sort of wheeled papoose, carries another suitcase in his hand. As he moves on, looking about him, he is approached by MAN, who's in his face a bit.
"You going on a trip, grandpa? Need safe passage? We're cheap. We're cheap. We're clean."
The Brutus, the best truck in the lot. What's your des, grandpa? We're hitting the lower midwest."
"I never married."
"I'm not a grandpa."
EXT. ALLEY - DAY
Archer, Maniac, and Sarah walk down a dim alley and enter:
INT. BADGER'S OFFICE - DAY
Archer, Maniac and Sarah come down the alley, halted by Sergeant X.
The office is dim and dingy. The ceiling has grates over it -- we can hear the traffic above, and every now and then the bright white of a vehicle spills through the grate. On one side are stairs leading up to ground level and a door beside, at the other end an oversized, beat up desk and a way into the back through a curtain.
Succatash is busy inspecting a Mr. Potatohead.
"Let me see your teeth."
He pulls the lips off.
He tosses it to one of his lackeys. Sergeant X leads Archer, Sarah and Maniac down the stairs. Succatash doesn't look at them, heading for his desk and sitting down.
"What did you just say to me?"
"You're well aware we parked two hours 'fore we planned to, with some of the goods you sent us after intact, ready to roll. So your decision to get tetchy, say we're late, means you're looking to put us on the defensive right up front. Which means something's gone wrong. It didn't go wrong on our end, so why don't we start again with you tellin' us what's up?"
A beat. A mean little smile from Succatash.
"You're later than I'd like."
"Well I am sorry to hear that."
Succatash holds up a printed piece of paper.
"If you'd gotten here sooner, you might've beaten the bulletin that came up sayin' a rogue truck, classification 'FLD', was spotted pulling illegal salvage on a derelict trailer."
"Didn't ID us. Doesn't lead to you."
"No, it doesn't. But a government tax stamp on every bottle of the cargo just maybe might."
Sarah looks at Archer -- that's what he didn't say when he examined the bottles.
"Oh, you noticed that. You were gonna hand over stamped goods and just let me twist, is that the case?"
"We didn't pick the cargo."
"And I didn't flash my ass at the gorram law."
Pause as the trio look at each other guiltily. Well, Sarah and Archer look guilty. Maniac looks proud.
"There's no deal."
"That ain't fair."
"Crime and politics, little girl: the situation is always... fluid."
"Only fluid I see here is the vegetable refusing to pay us our wage."
After a moment of mutual confusion, Succatash stands up angrily and Sergeant X draws his weapon.
Archer glares at Maniac until he puts his gun back in his holster, then Archer steps forward, smiling.
"It doesn't have to go this way. You know you can still unload those goods. So I can't help thinking
there's something else at work here."
What were you in before the audits, that big wave of audits that shut you down? You were a CEO,
yeah? CEO Archer, Coats and Ties division. Big tough financier. Now you got yourself a truck and for some unfathomable reason call yourself a captain. Only I think you're still a CEO, see. Still a corporate, man of superior strata in a den of thieves."
(in his face)
"Well this is my gorram den, and I don't like the way you look down on me. I'm above you. Better than. I'm a
businessman, see? Roots in the community. I know that organically grown vegetables are the lynchpin of a healthy diet. The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. Bet you can't do that, on account of you're nothin' more than a scavenger."
Archer and Maniac look at each other, puzzled expressions and lips moving silently as they try to work that one out, before they both shrug and give up.
"Well, maybe I'm not a fancy gentleman like you with your... very fine hat... your mastery of the food pyramid, and your precise diction and clear enunciation. But I do business. We're here for business."
"Try one of the border truckstops -- they're a lot more desperate there. Of course, they might kill you, but you stay here and I just know the cops'll track you down. I have that feeling."
Beat. Archer's pissed. Maniac's itching for a fight.
But Archer turns to go. As he's leaving, he says:
"Wheel never stops turning, Succatash."
"That only matter to the people on the border."
EXT. EAVESDOWN TRUCKSTOP - LATER
Wulfhawk moves on to Serenity, Kaythryn sits outside it in a lawn chair, holding a rainbow-striped parasol. He looks at the ship, never stopping, 'til Kaythryn says, smiling:
"You're gonna come with us."
"You like trucks. You don't seem to be looking at the destinations. What you care about is the trucks, and mine's the nicest."
He does stop, gives the truck a look-over.
"She don't look like much."
"Well, she'll fool ya'. You ever ride in an FLD?"
"Long before you were crawling. Not a '92, though. Didn't have the front air-ride, tended to bounce."
Kaythryn gets up from her lawn chair, walks over to Wulfhawk, twirling her parasol.
"So, uh, how come you don't care where you're going?"
"'Cause how you get there is the worthier part."
"Are you some sort of weird kook?"
"I guess... I'm a professor, from Nevada State. Wulfhawk, I'm called Wulfhawk. Been out of the world for a
spell. Like to walk it a while, maybe bring the word to them as need it told."
"Well, I'm Kaythryn. This is Serenity, and she's the smoothest ride from here to Yuma for anyone who can pay."
"Can you pay, or... ?"
"Well, I've got a little cash, and, uh..."
He picks up a small wooden box from his luggage. Shows her the contents. She goes a little bit wide-eyed, eyeing the contents lustfully.
We are now following Archer, Sarah and Maniac back to the truck.
"I don't understand why we didn't leave that sumbitch in a pool of his own blood."
"We'd be dead. Can't get paid if you're dead."
"Can't get paid if you crawl away like a bitty little bug, neither. We gotta share this job. Ten percent of nothing is -- let me do the math here -- nothing into nothing, carry the nothing --"
"So we'll find a buyer in Yuma. There's gotta be a --"
"Yuma is too big. It's crawling with cops, they could just be waiting for us."
"You really think Succatash'll sell us out to the cops?"
If he hasn't already.
PAN LEFT to reveal a police cruiser sitting in the parking lot.
"Cops catch us with stamped goods, we'll lose the truck."
"That's never gonna happen."
"Sir, we could just dump the cargo."
"No ruttin' way. We ain't had a job in weeks. I didn't sign on with this crew to take in the sights. We need
"Maniac, your mouth is talking. You might wanna look to that."
"Oh, I'm ready to stop talkin' --"
"You're right, though. The last two jobs we had were weak tea. We got nothing saved, takin' on hitchhikers won't help near enough."
"We don't get paid for this cargo, we don't have enough money to fuel the truck, let alone keep her in repair. She'll be dead on the shoulder."
"So we do like Succatash said? The border 'stops?"
"I'm thinkin' Del Rio, maybe talk to Channain..."
"Sir, we don't want to deal with Channain again."
"She shot you."
"Well, yeah, she did a bit... still --"
"So we find somebody else. Horowitz."
"He can't afford it."
"They wouldn't touch it. Do you want me to go through the list? Capshaw's are brain-blown. Gruvick's dead --"
"Town got hit by Bullhaulers. Burned it right down."
"I ain't goin' nowhere near Bullhauler territory. Them people ain't human."
"Del Rio is the safest and the closest. Been a long time since Channain shot me and that was due to a perfectly legitimate conflict of interest. I got no grudge. She owns half that damn county now. She can afford what we got and she just might need it."
"I still don't think the old lady's the way."
ANGLE: Lerx on the bike, about to pull a big blue box up the ramp into Serenity's trailer.
"I'm not sayin' it won't be tricky, but we got no kind of choice."
Archer's POV: still looking Serenity, he sees Kaythryn welcoming another passenger, introducing himself as:
"Welcome aboard, Mr..."
ANGLE: Back to Archer, Sarah, and Maniac approaching the ship.
"We just gotta keep our heads down, do the job, pray there ain't no more surprises."
ANGLE: A BOX. Being loaded on by Lerx on the trailer.
The box clears frame to reveal HFK, a young, clearly affluent man. He wears a dark suit and round glasses. He seems to be looking directly at Archer, then glances over to the box.
"Please be careful with that."
"Mal, this is HFK. HFK, this is our
Both men size each other up.
"Yeah, captain. Welcome aboard."
"This all we got?"
ANGLE: IN THE TRAILER
We see Sarah talking to Archer, the rest of the passengers milling around and loading up their luggage.
"Now we have a truck-full of citizens right on top of our... stolen cargo."
"That's a fun mix."
"Ain't no way in the 'verse they could find that compartment, even--"
(stops talking as Sergeant X walks past)
"Even if they were lookin' for it."
Archer is thrown by the question.
"Oh yeah, this is gonna go great."
"If anyone gets nosy, just, you know... shoot 'em."
"Politely. You're better at the polite stuff than I am."
EXT. EAVESDOWN TRUCKSTOP - CONTINUING
Defender's SUV is nearing Serenity.
"Defender. You're just in time."
"Let me guess."
INT. DEFENDER'S SUV - CONTINUING
"We're in a hurry."
INT. SERENITY - CAB - CONTINUING
Lerx is prepping her for departure, sees a signal, flips a switch.
"Looks like. Trailer rear green for towing."
"Give me fifteen to get this stupid thing hooked on."
EXT. SERENITY - CONTINUOUS
Defender gets out and starts hooking a tow-rig to the end of the trailer and the front of her SUV.
Lerx turns, calls back:
"The Ambassador has returned!"
He is talking to Sarah, who moves to the
INT. SERENITY - TRAILER - CONTINUING
And calls down to Archer, who is stowing cargo with Maniac:
"We got a full house, Captain."
He turns to the doors.
"Kaythryn, I'm locking it up!"
EXT. TRAILER - CONTINUING
Kaylee looks around once, steps past Defender to close the doors..
Looking around the cargo hold.
To be continued
Monday, June 2, 2003 2:37 PM
Monday, June 2, 2003 2:41 PM
Monday, June 2, 2003 3:34 PM
Monday, June 2, 2003 3:36 PM
Monday, June 2, 2003 5:25 PM
Tuesday, June 3, 2003 12:34 AM
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