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BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL
This is a hardcore spoof
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 1968 RATING: 10 SERIES: FIREFLY
Okay, this one requires a good deal of explication. First of all, I'm not in any way trying to rip off Miss Sarah's Browncoat Chronicles. If anything, this is a homage to her usage of the characters on the site. It actually started as a simple spoof on the very opening scene from Serenity, borrowing myself and a friend of mine who has yet to get addicted to FF. (Working to change that even as we speak.)
Then it occurred to me to drop folks from this site into the roles from the show. If you don't like your spot, lemme know and I'll drop ya. Suggestions and so on are also welcome.
The style of it gets a bit haphazard due to the nature of translating it from the actual script. Bear with me there.
Other than that, I think it's funny. I probably will follow it up, but not too far before I go back to working for a living. If it works for ya'll, I might eventually expand it on out to the regular episodes.
And after posting, damn, it doesn't come out formatted like it does on my WP.
We come into the middle of an office building. Men in dark suits slither to and fro.
CAMERA closes in on a man darting between cubicles. Zoom up and we see that it's Archer.
Archer is up and running to join his company behind a cubicle barricade.
"Sir, lobbyists are holding up until they can assess our situation."
"Our situation is that we need some gorram political support. Now get back on line and tell them to get to pressing some flesh!"
"That incoming van is gonna shred us, sir!"
"They won't lobby for us without a CFO's authorization to release more funds, sir!"
Angry, Archer stalks over and grabs a post-it note with a code written on it from the cubicle wall.
"There! You're CFO Baker now. Congratulations on your promotion. Now get me some damn support!"
"Pull back, just far enough to wedge them in. Get your division to the second floor and start picking them up before they get into the records."
"The second floor is death with that second van coming in!"
"That's our problem. Thanks for volunteering."
"Bendis, give us some cover. We're going Fed-hunting."
The IRS agents whoop in the background, obviously having found something damning. Scared young yuppies look at each other, terror building.
"The IRS said they were gonna waltz right through this audit, and we choked them with those words. We've done the impossible, and that makes us mighty. Just a little while longer and our angels will be burning up the phone lines to recall those arrogant cod. So you withold.
"You withold! Now go!"
Yuppies move to and fro, preparing to divert and delay the Feds.
"You really think we can stop that van, sir?"
"You even need to ask?"
He pulls a gold dollar sign from under his shirt and kisses it.
Bendis sits in the corner, scared stiff.
She jumps up and yells.
"Oh god! We left those incriminating billing records over by the water cooler!"
IRS agents move toward the cooler. Archer crawls behind the cubicles. When a Fed threatens to get near him, he tosses a roll of hundreds to the side. IRS agent makes for the money, Archer makes for the exit.
Archer gets outside and spots the IRS van coming in. The driver looks confused as he flags it down.
"Looking for the Serenity Inc. complex?"
IRS guy, shades and all
"Go down there, make a u-turn, back down Maple and second building on the right just past sixty-third."
"Thank you, citizen."
The van drives up and starts to u-turn. Archer laughs at how easy it was to misdirect them.
"YEAH!" Manly grunt.
Suddenly as the van is accelerating back down the street, it blows a front tire and begins skidding out of control.
He tackles her out of the way as the van plows into a lamp post.
They lay on the ground. Archer starts laughing. Sarah looks long-suffering.
They make their way back into the office.
"Nice cover, Bendis."
"Did you see that? Green, what's our status on?"
He looks up to see Green being hauled away in handcuffs.
He points and makes his way back to Bendis.
"Hey Bendis, we're holding this company no matter what."
"We're gonna get arrested."
"We're not gonna get arrested, Bendis. We can't get arrested. You know why?"
"Because we're so very rich. We are just too rich for Rand to let us get arrested. Huh? Look at that nice Armani suit. Huh? C'mon."
Sound of tires squealing from out front. Archer looks up.
"You don't wanna listen to me, listen to that. There's our angels, calling the IRS back to the hot place. Sarah, tell the lobbyists..."
Fuck me pink and purple. They're not coming.
"Lobbyists say there's an ethics investigation on. It's too hot. They're pulling out. We're to lay down wallets."
Archer is stunned.
He stands up, next to Bendis, seeing IRS vans pull up en masse. Black suits deploy from each one, with one standing by the door of each to hand out PDAs. Archer stands there numbly as Bendis is cuffed and pulled away.
We're next to an eighteen-wheeler in a ditch.
Six years later.
Archer slides down next to the door.
"It's locked. Gotta cut it. Give me the cutters, Maniac."
Maniac hands him the boltcutters. Archer clips the lock.
"Okay, we get the goods, we're away from this wreck and back on the truck. No worries."
Pull back from the burn-out truck to reveal SERENITY, a Freightliner FLD with an extended sleeper.
LERX sits in the pilot's seating, concentrating intently.
"Everything looks good from here."
"Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive."
He's playing with GI Joe dolls.
"We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... 'This Land.'"
(as Cobra Commander)
"I think we should call it 'your grave!'"
"Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"
"Ha ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh! Now die!"
"Oh, no, God! Oh, dear God in heaven!"
He makes them fight. Near him, the radar detector bleeps. He brushes other figures off of the detector.
"Oh motherless son of a..."
Outside, the doors are pried open. Some fluid leaks by on the floor.
"Busted cases, looks like. Maybe some of the product is still intact."
"Okay, looking good."
A voice buzzes from a tin can tied to a piece of string. Archer picks it up.
"Captain, we've got incoming. County Mountie cruiser, bearing right down on us."
"Ta...ta.. Sarah, how the hell do you say that?"
"Ta ma de!"
"Thanks. Remind me why we use Chinese sometime."
"'Cause it makes us different."
"Yeah. Anyway, they spotted us?"
"I can't tell if..."
"Are they shining that light on their door at us?"
"If they're here for the salvage, we're humped."
"If they find us at all we're humped. Thievin' ain't exactly..."
"I don't like this."
"Sarah, tell Maniac to shut up in Chinese."
"Lerx, shut it down. Lerx, everything but the air conditioning."
Lerx is shutting down everything, the CB, the radio, the lights. He pulls the curtain to the sleeper.
Kaythryn sticks her head out of the back.
"Go to blackout! We're being buzzed!"
"Shi. Going dark."
She climbs up on the dashboard, reaches down and turns the ignition key.
"Okay, now I can't get down."
Cut to police cruiser, unit number six-seven.
"So what am I looking at?"
"Liquor load. Went off deadman's curve this afternoon. They'll be getting out to clean it up later."
"Damn shame. Any point in checking for intact bottles?"
Down next to the truck.
"Lerx, they slowin' down?"
"That's a neg. Don't think they're interested in us. Should be eating exhaust in a minute or two."
Archer stands there as the cruiser passes by, impossibly car-sized. It reflects in his glasses as it goes.
"Say, is that another truck parked over there behind the tree?"
"I love using this thing."
He reaches down and flips the spotlight on the side of the door on.
"Aiya! Hwaile! Captain, we're humped!"
"Start the truck now. We move these in, double-time."
"Kaythryn, fire it up."
Kaythryn reaches down and turns the key, starting the truck.
"It's a Freightliner. FLD class."
"They still make those?"
"Vultures. Lowlilfe scavengers picking the flesh of the dead."
"Should we call for backup?"
Archer, Sarah, and Maniac quickly lug cases from the trailer.
"Dough boy, dough."
"Make the cops go. Engaging the Doughboy."
He reaches over and flips on a police-band radio, holding a hand recorder in front of it.
"Attention all units! Krispy Kreme is offering a three-for-one special!"
"Did you hear that? Three for one?"
"It's definitely a big deal."
Archer and company climb into the back, pulling the door down behind them.
"Lerx! We're on! Go!"
Lerx pops the brakes and starts pulling out, all business now.
"Hang on, travelers."
Everyone grabs onto something as Maniac pulls off his hat.
"Let's moon 'em."
"Sounds like a plan to me."
The trio pull the door up enough to give the deputies a good flash.
"Look at that!"
"Should we go after them?"
"Our backup is probably already at the doughnut shop by now. We better burn rubber to get down there before they eat the place empty. Put out an APB and flag the state troopers. FLD-class with possibly stolen goods onboard. Maybe somebody will step on those roaches."
"We look shiny, cap. No flashing lights, repeat, no flashing lights."
"Any one you walk away from, right? Long as we got the goods, I call this one a win."
Sunday, June 01, 2003 5:25 AM
Sunday, June 01, 2003 8:17 AM
Sunday, June 01, 2003 9:11 AM
Sunday, June 01, 2003 12:12 PM
Sunday, June 01, 2003 2:16 PM
Sunday, June 01, 2003 2:35 PM
Sunday, June 22, 2003 5:24 AM
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