BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL

ARCHER

Serenity Inc., Part One
Monday, June 2, 2003

Ongoing spoof of the FF series.


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2980    RATING: 9    SERIES: FIREFLY

In the trailer

A crate is jimmied open. It is Maniac with the crowbar, Archer who pulls the top off, looking in. Sarah, Lerx and Kaythryn are also about.

Archer "Well that sure enough don't hurt to see."

ANGLE: IN THE CRATE are bottles of what look like whiskey

Kaythryn (excited) "They're awfully pretty..."

Lerx "I'd say worth a little risk."

Maniac "Yeah, that was some pretty risky sittin' you did there."

Lerx "That's right, of course, 'cause they wouldn't arrest me if we got pulled over, I'm just the driver. I can always say I was driving the truck by accident. You know, that pretty --"

Archer "Sarah, how do you say shut up in Chinese again?"

Sarah "Bizui, sir."

Archer "Bazewey!"

Sarah (Smugly) "But you asked, sir."

Archer (Long suffering look.) "Never mind."

He has a bottle in his hand, is looking at it up close.

Sarah "Problem, sir?"

Clearly, yep, there is. But Archer tries to cover.

Archer (after a moment) "Couldn't say." (puts the bottle back in the case) "But we'd best be gettin' rid of these before we run into any more bears."

Maniac "What the hell they doin' out this far, anyhow?"

Kaythryn "Shining the light of civilization."

Maniac "Doesn't do us any good..."

Kaythryn "Well, we're uncivilized."

As they talk, Archer approaches Lerx, talking over them.

Archer "How long 'til we reach Smithville?"

Lerx "Three or four hours."

Archer "Can we shave that?"

Lerx (shakes his head) "We're down to the fumes in the tanks. We run hot, we might not even make it."

Archer "'kay. Play it as close as you can. This catch is burning a hole in my trailer."

Sarah "Think that cruiser could've I.D.'d us?"

Archer Let's hope not. Contact Succatash, tell him the job's done. Don't go to mentioning the cops, though. Keep it simple."

Sarah "Sir, we're sure there's nothing wrong with the carg --"

Archer "It's fine. I just wanna get paid."

Sarah and Lerx climb out of the trailer, heading up front.

Archer "All right, let's get these crates stowed. I don't want any hitchhikers stumbling over them."

Kaythryn "We're taking on hitchhikers at Smithville?"

Archer "Yeah, that's the notion. We could use a little respectability on the way to Yuma. Not to mention the money."

Maniac "Pain in the ass... but we can resell whatever they're haulin' in their backpacks."

Kaythryn "No, it's shiny! I like to meet new people. They've all got stories..."

Maniac "Captain, can you stop her from bein' cheerful, please?"

Archer "I don't believe there is a power in the 'verse that can stop Kaythryn from being cheerful."

He smiles at her, never stopping working.

Archer (cont'd) "Sometimes you just wanna duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month."

She grins and kisses his cheek.

Kaythryn "I love my captain."

IN THE FRONT OF SERENITY

Sarah "I know something ain't right."

Lerx "Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right, we'd be in jail."

Sarah "It's just that the Captain's so tense..."

Lerx "The man needs a break. In fact, we could all use a couple days' leave."

Sarah "We still gotta drop the booze."

Lerx "And when we do, we drive off to Yuma rich and prosperous. Well, less poor. But with enough to find some sweet little getaway."

They enter the bridge. He moves closer, wrapping her in his arms.

Sarah "Oh, wouldn't mind a real bath..."

Lerx "Yeah, and a meal that included some sort of food."

Sarah "Ooh."

Lerx "Just a couple of days lying around, you with the bathing. Me with the watching you bathe."

They're closer now.

Sarah (definitely interested) If the captain says it's all right...

Wrong. Lerx shuts his eyes a moment, rests his head on hers, quietly pissed. He breaks apart.

Lerx "What if we just told Archer we needed a few days, 'stead of asking him?"

Sarah "He's the captain, Wash."

Lerx "Right. I'm just the husband."

Sarah "Look, I'll ask him."

Lerx (sitting) "Don't forget to call him 'sir'. He likes that."

Archer, climbing through the door. "Who likes what?"

Instinctively, Sarah's demeanor changes as Archer enters, her bearing more erect, professional.

Sarah "It's nothing, Sir."

Archer "Has the Ambassador checked in yet?"

Lerx "Naw, I think she had a pretty full docket."

Archer (to Sarah) "Well, after you talk to Succatash, let her know we may be leaving Smithville in a hurry."

Sarah "Defender knows our timetable. I'm sure she'll be checking in soon."

Lerx "Well, I can tell her to cut it short, meet us at the truckstop."

Archer "No, no. Don't want to get in her way if we don't have to." (leaving) "Somebody on this truck has to make an honest living."

CUT TO DEFENDER'S SUV

Sound of heavy panting.

Client "God, it's hot in here."

Defender "Sorry, I've been trying to get a certain somebody to fix the air conditioning for months now. Let it go out on his truck and see how he likes it."

They sit together in the back, drinking fountain drinks from the local convenience store.

Defender "California isn't that different from this state. More crowded, obviously, and I guess more complicated. The cities... pictures can't capture it. It's like a sea of smog."

Client "Is that where you studied, to be a Defender?"

Defender "I was born there."

Client "I can't imagine ever leaving."

Defender "Well, I wanted to see the country."

Client "Do you really have to leave? My father gets arrested regularly. We could, I could arrange for..."

She smiles sweetly and takes another sip of soda. He doesn't continue.

Client "Experience has been more than -- it was very good. Thank you."

Defender "The case went too quickly."

Client "Your clock's probably rigged to speed up and run up the bill."

She glares.

Defender "It was pro bono, you twit. Get out of my car."

He leaves. She crawls over into the driver's seat and turns on the CB.

Defender "Serenity, this is SUV-1. What's your ETA?"

Lerx, off-screen "Defender, hey, we'll be pulling up to the Eavesdown Stop in about ten minutes."

Defender "I'll join you there, thanks."

Lerx "10-4, looking forward to it. We missed you out here."

Defender (softly) "Yeah. Me too."

She puts the SUV in gear and the camera shakes as we cut to

EXT. CITY - DAY

"The outside of the shuttle, which pulls slowly into traffic. The SUV is parked next to one of many skyscrapers, in the middle of heavy traffic. It drives off.

COMMENTS

Monday, June 2, 2003 1:52 AM

ARCHER


Oh, Lerx wanted me to list the various characters for clarity. Here's the list as it stands...

Mal- Me. Ha. That's what I get for writing it.

Zoe- Miss Sarah.

Wash- Lerx. Now you know, buddy. All nice and spelled out for you.

Jayne- Maniac, who else?

Kaylee- Kaythryn, which causes me hell in editing. I see the first three letters and go "Got it!"

Inara- Defender.

Badger- Succatash.

Further chapters will introduce Simon dressed as HotForKaythryn, the uber-geek, River as Maguinan the secret IRS experiment, and Book as Wulfhawk, the devout Randian Objectivist.

Oh, and Sergeant X as Dobson, Two-Fry, Niska's various henchmen, the bandits from OMR, the bandits from OoG, the scruffy guy who tries to steal the ship in OoG, the local fanatics in Safe, the obnoxious Doctor in Ariel, and, well, wherever else I need cannon fodder villainous extras.

Needless to say, he's gonna end up pulling the biggest paycheck on this show.

With a special guest appearance by Gail Berman in the role of Niska.

Tuesday, June 3, 2003 5:49 PM

MANIACNUMBERONE


"Captain, can you stop her from bein' cheerful, please?" - friggin HI-larious.


This was excellent! You write with seeeming effortlessness. I need to read part 2 now.

Friday, June 6, 2003 6:55 AM

CHANNAIN


Defender: "It was pro bono, you twit. Get out of my car."

can't wait to see how THIS turns out. it's good to be the writer, isn't it?

Friday, December 12, 2003 3:32 AM

TEELABROWN


Fun. I'll read more.


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