Tuesday, March 7, 2006

Sixth in the 'Didn't Mean Nothin' saga. Jayne/Kaylee. Simon/Kaylee. Angst/Jacqui. The usual pairings.


Sixth installment. A little ficlet, the interem between the last part and the next part (hello, Captian Obvious).

Disclaimer: They're pretty, but these dolls are broken.

Rating: G, there's nothing here. Just a few musings.

Comments: I don't know, something about this fic is compelling me to write it.

Feedback: I am a whore for the feedback. Seriously. Comment here or email:


Previous chapters: 1. Didn't Mean Nothin', 2. Nothin' At All, 3. No Harm No Foul, 4. Comfort and 5. Backlash.




She woke smelling him.

His pillow was pushed right up into her cheek and every breath she took was drenched in Jayne. It was strange how many times she’d been down in his bunk, been in his bed, and never noticed such a small, obvious detail.

The quiet hum of the engine on automatic told her they were still powered down. It had to be early.

“Don’t.” His voice grunted into her ear before she’d even had a chance to move. “You ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

Her fingers curled into a fist under the pillow and then relaxed.


She’d woken under him.

His hand was on her back, fingers splayed across the whole of it, and his shoulder sat heavy over hers. His hip nudged against her thigh and his whole body was warm, so warm she could feel the radiation pouring off him.

He was hot all over, but it wasn’t the searing heat she’d come to expect.

Jayne had come to her, she couldn’t stop telling herself that, he’d come to her first. He’d kissed her, he was the one who’d slid his fingers in under her clothes and whispered dark, dirty thoughts into her ear. She hadn’t gone to him, not at first.

But she’d let it happen.

“One night. S’all I want.” He whispered it to her in the dark, like he and not River could read her mind. “Just give me one full night.”

And she hadn’t stopped it.

“Anything.” She whispered back, soft and so close to being silent.

Didn’t know if she wanted to stop it.

His hand snaked over her back, slipped over the curve of her hip and around her waist. Kaylee fell pliant to his touch, let herself be scooped up in his hand and pulled up against his chest. His legs came up and nestled under hers and his hand curled itself against her stomach.

She’d made a beggar of a thief.

“Anything.” It came out like a tear through her eyelid, like the press of full, thick lips to the back of her neck. “Anything at all.”

And he was being gentle enough to break her.


Simon woke staring at an empty ceiling.

“What? Simon, what’s wrong?”

“Did you…?” But the words won’t come as he trails his thumb over the edge of her hip. “Why would…?”

She reaches up to brush hair out of his eyes and he jerks his head away from her. It makes her flinch.

“Simon?” She sits up, pushing herself up on her elbows to look at him.

“He knew.” The words crystallize in his head, turning sour in his mouth. “Jayne knew about the scar.”

Her eyes widen and his thumb presses down harder. He doesn’t even feel it, because he’s looking, looking so hard for her denial, looking for her to laugh at the suggestion. At the absurdity of him even thinking about it.

She doesn’t.

It was never fully dark in his room, there was always the hint of light streaming in under the sliding doors. The auxiliary power that ran the ship. He’d gotten used to sleeping in dim shadows, barely even noticed it anymore. Except when he couldn’t sleep, except when the silences woke him up and he had no choice but to see shapes in the shadows that sliced over his walls.

“It didn’t mean anything!” Her face is white.

“It didn’t…?” He’s not sure what to think. “Is that supposed to make it better or worse?”

“That’s not what I meant.” She’s crying as she sits up, slides her legs out from under him. “Simon, don’t…”

He shakes his head.

“When?” Such a loaded question.

“Simon, please, it doesn’t matter.”

She won’t look at him and, for some reason, that makes the question more urgent.

“When Kaylee?”

“Three months.” They way she gasps, you’d think her words were punching her in the gut and not him. “It started three months ago.”


Her moan is strangled in her throat and she looks miserable.

He rolled over and grasped the blanket, pulled it high up under his chin and brought his hands up close, huddling into himself. There wasn’t anything he could do to stop the ghosts of it dancing around his brain, her voice, his voice, their pain.

“How could you, Kaylee? How could…?”

“Please.” She’s begging again, reaching out to take hold of his hand, but he twists out of her reach, backs up and away from her. “Don’t be mad. I got lonely, I was upset…”

He holds up his hand. To stop her words, to stop her tears. Just to stop her.

“I get that. I do.” He swallows and tries to make sense of the million things rattling in his brain. “But all that time, you still came to me and we joked, we flirted, and you didn’t say anything. Not once! You looked me straight in the eye and never once said ‘by the way, I’m sleeping with Jayne’.”

Her eyes are huge and he doesn’t ever remember seeing them wounded like that, even counting when she was shot.

“Every time he came and picked a fight, you didn’t say a thing!” He felt his hand at the side of his eye, at the faint line of dissolving weaves that were no longer needed to hold his skin together. “He could have hurt me and you didn’t tell me why!”

“I wouldn’t have…” She stumbles over her words, pushes them through the sobs. “… let him hurt you.”

“How can I ever trust you, Kaylee?” He can see the words hit her physically. “How can I believe a word you say after this?”

He remembered the first thing that drew him to her, that big, bright smile in the dust of Persephone, her endless enthusiasm among people that looked like they couldn’t remember how to smile. Simon hadn’t been able to recall seeing someone smile so sincerely, so without artifice, since before River had been sent to the Academy.

No matter what happened, even when she was shot, even after she’d been scared and pushed to her limits, Kaylee had smiled and found a bright side to everything. She was always there, always the one trying to cheer everyone else, trying to make things that much more bearable for others.

There were several times in the past year alone where he’d been ready to give up, ready to just throw in the towel and admit defeat. Kaylee had been there, each and every time, gently reminding him to look for the best. She’d always been able to find the good. No matter how hidden and small it was.

Suddenly, in the front of his memory, Simon began to see the last few months as they played out in his head. That Kaylee wasn’t boundless, wasn’t bright and eager. Her eyes were haunted even as her smiles were broad. She’d lost weight.

She didn’t laugh as loudly as he remembered.

“I’m sorry.” She’s reduced to begging. “Simon, I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t…” He bends down to pick up her shirt, tossed across the room in the middle of their passion, and gently runs the material over his fingers. Just barely stops himself bringing it up to his nose and smelling her in it before he tosses it to her. “I need to be alone.”

“What are you going to do?” The hesitation in her voice makes him wonder if she really wants an answer to that.

“I don’t know.” He tells her truthfully. “I don’t know what to think. Please leave now.”

He doesn’t have the energy to watch her walk away.


Jayne couldn’t sleep.

He lay awake and cradled her in his arms, felt her breath come slow, deep and steady as she lay there.

She made a man tired, made him bone weary, but she was worth it.

*** end, part six.


Tuesday, March 7, 2006 3:34 AM



Every time I read one of these you leave me breathless.

I love it!

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 4:05 AM


Oookkk, at least the scar makes more sense than smelling Jayne, so I'm not quite so mad at Simon anymore, but--OUCH!

Wonderfully angsty, as ususal! Keep it up!

"I love my captain."

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 5:28 AM


Um, wow?

<i>She’d made a beggar of a thief.

And he was being gentle enough to break her. </i>

Those two lines... just, damn. Wow. Powerful and maddening and heartbreaking. Like the rest of this fic.

You did a fantastic job with Simon, I can't help but love him a little too, caught up in this whole mess like the rest of them.

and this:<i> “It didn’t…?” He’s not sure what to think. “Is that supposed to make it better or worse?”</i>

See! Even SIMON gets it!

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 8:04 AM


So Shiny! Another chapter from Jacqui!

It's so angsty, and I'm lovin' it........

Jayne really cares for her, "She made a man tired, made him bone weary, but she was worth it."

Squeeeee! I'm rootin' for Jayne too!

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 8:31 AM


Thank you

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 11:42 AM


Powerful stuff. I can hardly wait for this to continue.

The use of the flashbacks while Simon thinks to himself is very effective. Also, the image of Kaylee clenching her fist before releasing it was a great visual. And of course, the Jayne and Kaylee thoughts are perfect, as always.

Love this angst!

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 4:49 PM


Well, I read it. And you went ahead and made me feel sorry for Simon. Grrr!!

Can't say as I'm ENJOYING this fic, but it's certainly putting a harder spin on the Jayne/Kaylee/Simon triangle than you usually see. It's probably pretty close to Joss's original plan. (I always figured he was gonna play these three off each other - and the Whedon's not one to shy away from bringing on the angst either).

You made my heart ache. Good work.

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 6:07 PM


I agree with CanonHeroine, I'm sure this was an option Joss would have explored. And, I'm afraid this is going to end badly for all of them! Oh the angst!

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 8:07 PM


*puts hand over broken heart*

you almost made me feel sorry for Simon. almost.

how can Kaylee resist the big guy? he's being so patient and gentle...*sigh*

Sunday, April 16, 2006 9:14 AM


if i keep reading this series, i might have to go to the doctor with a serious case of heartache...guess i'm just a sucker for punishment



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