Lonesome Albatross
Saturday, March 24, 2007

Sniff sniff...sob. Teenage angst. Also flying bullets.


All characters herein that I did not create are not my property. I’m only playing here, no coin has changed hands.

******** Scene 1: (Night. Copia. Farmhouse. Jazmine’s bed, which contains Mal and Jazmine.)

MAL: So? JAZ: So. MAL: Well? JAZ: Larry. MAL: Larry?! JAZ: Larry. MAL: Why? JAZ: Niska. MAL: Niska? JAZ: Money. MAL: Well. JAZ: So. MAL: So... JAZ: Larry will be tended to unless you’d prefer to.. MAL: I’ll cogitate on it a spell. JAZ: No rush. MAL: Niska? JAZ: Was warned. I’ll wave Mrs. Niska. MAL: And? JAZ: She’ll be a widow before I cut the link if I know Anneke. Good head for business. MAL: Shame when a madman goes insane. JAZ: Mmph. MAL: So Larry hired the crazy woman? JAZ: The now dead crazy woman. Go between. MAL: Wei? JAZ: An quan. For now. MAL: Makes for a change, don’t it? JAZ: For you? Quite likely. Go on about your business with Badger, but watch your back. MAL: Just in case? Not that you’d be wrong or anything. JAZ: Just in case, because it’s you. (kisses him) There’s bound to be a passel of new widows before this is all over, and I don’t intend to be one of them.. again. Dong Ma? MAL: Not sure I got all that, could you start over at the kissin’? JAZ: You are a bad man, Malcolm Reynolds, and deserve what you get. MAL: Must’ve been pretty bad to deserve you, Lotus Flower. JAZ: Must have been. (rolls atop him, giggling) MAL: Ai Ya!! No ticklin’ woman!! (grabs her wrists in self defense) You start it I’ll finish it, you been warned. (pulls her down for a kiss) JAZ: That I’d like to see. MAL: Best keep your eyes open and hang on.

******** Scene 2: (Day. Copia. Zoe’s room. Zoe has her weapons spread out and is cleaning them)

MATILDA: (inquiring hopefully) Ma ma ball? ZOE: No, baby. MATILDA: (insistent) Ball ma ma! ZOE: Not right now, sweetie. MATILDA: (with a pout to it) Ma Ma Ma. ZOE: Mommy has to clean her weapons right now dumpling. We’ll play ball in a little while. MATILDA: (excited) Boom? SOVAY: (from hallway) Mattie? Mattie? ZOE: Yes, boom. Then ball. IN HERE! SOVAY: Oh, there she is! I’m very sorry Zoe, she slipped out while I was changing Hoban. She’s very quiet. ZOE: Usually a good thing. This case though.. SOVAY: I’ll keep a closer eye on her. She just can’t get enough of watching her mamma. ZOE: (kisses Mattie) Go on baby. Mommy will be done soon, then we’ll play. MATILDA: (making sure) Ma ma ball? ZOE: Ma ma ball. Go on with Sovay now. SOVAY: Let’s go see if your brother has eaten all the cookies. MATILDA: KEES?! (they exit) ZOE: (calling after them) Save me one!


Scene 3: (Somewhere on some damned moon or another in yet another crappy little town. Mal, Zoe, and Jayne are in a warehouse pinned down by gunfire behind some crates. The job has officially not gone well. Again.)

ZOE: Save me one. MAL: (from under cover) I’m gonna end Badger. ZOE: Not if I see him first, Sir. JAYNE: We don't get outta here, only thing’s endin’ll be us. MAL: That’s what I like about you. Always such an optimistic feller. JAYNE: Thought it was my winning ways with womenfolk. MAL: You see? Optimism. ZOE: Man can dream. MAL: Zoe, Jayne, you see what I see? ZOE: To the left, third one down? JAYNE: Idiot. MAL: That is a window of opportunity, let us not be wasteful. Jayne, if you please, then on 3. (Jayne fires) Lovely. 1, 2, 3. (they break cover, firing as they go. Make it out the door and start strategic retreat down hall). ZOE: Now what, Sir? MAL: I’m working on it. JAYNE: Didja get the coin at least? MAL: What is it with you and money? JAYNE: What is it with you and not gettin’ the money? MAL: Is that all you ever think about? JAYNE: Money, guns, trim..yep, that about does it. ZOE: Hate to break up the philosophical debate but we’re about to hit open ground. Can the pair of you focus? JAYNE: So didja get it? MAL: I am not dignifying that with an answer. JAYNE: gui, you didn’t get it. ZOE: Fellas? Open ground? Sitting ducks? More cover fire? MAL: Two on the roof there, one up there, one behind that corner at street level. See? I’m paying attention. JAYNE: That’s the only thing you’re payin’. MAL: We’re almost home. (into com) Little Albatross, you ready to go? ‘Cause we are. RIVER: (over com) Shr ah. MAL: (into com) On our way. There in three or not at all. (to Zoe and Jayne) Let’s go. (they pick off the snipers, run for it, and get to Serenity ahead of pursuit, firing out of the airlock as it closes)

***** Scene 4: (Serenity. Galley.)

KAYLEE:So what happened? ZOE: Seems the buyers changed their minds. JAYNE: About payin’ for it, anyway. SIMON: Well, at least no one got shot. JAYNE: None of ours. We gave ‘em ventilation aplenty to remember us by. MAL: No, I don’t think they’ll be forgetting us any time soon. ZOE: Neither will Badger. MAL: Now there’s a man I’m feeling a powerful need for a palaver with. River, how’d you like to see Persephone again? RIVER: You’ll just make me wait in the ship. Again. MAL: Best place to see Eavesdown Docks. Go on. RIVER: (exiting for bridge) Rapunzel. MAL: Don’t make me get the scissors.

***** Scene 5: (Bridge. River is curled up and teary. Kaylee enters with two cups of something, looking for a little company.)

KAYLEE: Aw sweetie, what’s got you fretting? RIVER: Stupid boy. KAYLEE: Who, Kim? RIVER: Hun dan. KAYLEE: What’d he do? RIVER: Nothing. He’s thinking about doing it. KAYLEE: Doing “It”? Mostly that’s what boys think on. RIVER: Not sex. Yes sex, but not with me. He’s leaving. KAYLEE: Did he say so? RIVER: No, but he thought so. He’s scared. KAYLEE: What of? Simon? RIVER: Me. KAYLEE: Of little you? Naw... RIVER: Yes he is. He’s afraid of me and he thinks I'm just too weird. He wants a normal girl, not a crazy death dealing genius nutso freak. He also wants a blonde. With large assets. KAYLEE: All right, the last part I’ll buy. But you are not... whatever it was you said. What’s more if he does really think all that about you, well he’s just not worth the bother. RIVER: Why can’t I just be a normal girl? KAYLEE: ‘Cause then you’d be boring and nobody’d want to kiss you. RIVER: (collapses into giggles) No fair. KAYLEE: Made you laugh. Have you tried, you know, talking with him? RIVER: Don’t want to let on I know. Seems rude somehow. KAYLEE: Give him a chance to talk. He’s young too you know. First crush is not the one you marry most times, and for good reason. (thinks a moment) Brrr! Nope. Think of him as training wheels. You may be for him, too. RIVER: A training exercise in matters of the heart? KAYLEE: Among other body parts. There’s always a little pain in the learning of a thing. So? RIVER: Fine. I’ll discuss it with him. But I’m not dying my hair. KAYLEE: Fair enough. ‘Sides, it ain’t your color.

********** Scene 6 (Badger’s den. Weapons drawn, Badger has his chair turned around so his back is to the door.)

ZOE: Badger. Give me one good reason I shouldn’t drop you right now. BADGER: Have a problem Zoe? (turns to look) Malcolm Reynolds? I heard you were dead. Put the guns down. MAL: I was. Decided it was too quiet. No shopping, rained all the time. I like the gun where it is. BADGER: Funny man, laughs at death. Adding to our legend are we? MAL: Tell me Badger. Why is it, do you reckon, the buyer you set us up with decided they wanted free samples? Keep close to mind the last few deals we’ve done with you have gone none too well and I am inclined to take it personal like. BADGER: I’m a business man. I’ve got no time for grudges. Bad for business, see? Didn’t know you was going to be along for the ride at any rate. Guns? MAL: (lowers the gun, Zoe follows suit) Less elaboratin’, more explainin’. BADGER: Look, you don’t get paid, I don’t get paid. That’s not good business practice. I’m as curious as you to discover why a perfectly good contact goes sour. Does seem to be a trend, and one I am not best pleased with. But I don’t know. Savvy? MAL: You find out, you pass the intelligence along. I am not fond of getting shot. BADGER: A reasonable request. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got business matters to attend to. World doesn’t stop just so we can have tea and biscuits and natter on. ZOE: Awfully rude of it, don’t you think? BADGER: Quite. Door’s that way Captain. MAL: We’ll just see ourselves out. You’re a busy man. (they exit) BADGER: I am at that. (outside, heading towards ship) ZOE: Didn’t set us up? MAL: Not this time. ZOE: We owe him an apology? MAL: Not this time.

********** Scene 7: (Bridge. Overlooking Eavesdown Docks. River is sitting in the pilot seat. Kim enters, a large duffel slung over his shoulder.)

KIM: Um, River? RIVER: (She turns to face him) You’re leaving, I know. KIM: You probably knew before I did. RIVER: Not fair. Or nice. KIM: I’m sorry. You’re right. That was not right. RIVER: Apology accepted. The bag tipped me off. I understand. Serenity's work is too scary for you. So am I. KIM: It’s a little intimidating on board. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the work and everything. It’s just not.. RIVER: Home. KIM: Home. And it’s kind of uncomfortable knowing your girlfriend knows what you’re thinking and can kick your nose through the back of your head if you tick her off. RIVER: Don’t tick her off. Simple. KIM: I’m bound to screw it up sooner or later. I’m going to try my hand on the docks here. Steady work. RIVER: You know too much. It’s not safe. KIM: I’m not going to sell the crew out after all they’ve done for me. RIVER: Not for us, for you. Best if you come off from another ship. Put a few between you and Serenity. Fewer questions that way. KIM: Work my way out and back again? RIVER: Persuasion should be a safe ship from here. The captains know each other slightly. KIM: And if they start asking questions? RIVER: Lie. KIM: River, I’m really sorry. RIVER: I know. KIM: I don’t want to hurt you, but I just have to go. RIVER: It was inevitable, romance can be perplexing and uncomfortable when both parties are not mutually invested to the same degree. KIM: I’m really, really sorry. Do you want to.. RIVER: Quit while you’re ahead. KIM: I guess not. RIVER: Good guess. Good bye. KIM: ‘Bye. (cut to River sobbing in her bunk)


Scene 8: (Serenity. Galley. Mal comes in from bridge)

MAL: Anybody seen my pilot? JAYNE: Not so’s you’d know it. Thought I head some whimperin’ a while back near the bunks. MAL: Whimpering? JAYNE: Maybe the little mooncalf decided to let the kid go a few rounds if’n you get my meanin’. MAL: Work first, play later. She’d better not be skipping the pre flight check for a tussle. I told her to have Serenity ready to go on our return. JAYNE: I’m just sayin’. MAL: Well you can stop sayin’. Better go find her so we can get off this lump of dirt and head home. (exits on last line) JAYNE: Better knock first.

****** Scene 9: (Serenity. Outside River’s bunk. Door is closed.)

MAL: (pauses. knocks.) River?! River! (opens door and descends) Gorramit girl I told you to make ready. And as for Kim.. RIVER: (scrubs eyes) He’s gone. MAL: (realizes she’s alone and crying) Hey. Hey now, why the water works? He hurt you? Where is that little hun dan? RIVER: Didn’t touch me. Gone. Absconded. Not on the ship. MAL: He just left without a by your leave? RIVER: He said goodbye to me. MAL: Well he could’ve mentioned it to me. That’s just plain inconsiderate. RIVER: Boob. MAL: That what’s got you hid away in here? RIVER: Maybe. MAL: Well a little work’ll set you right. Get on up to the bridge and get us out of here. RIVER: Distraction is temporary. MAL: Sooner you get us home, sooner you can hole up in your room. Have a good sulk. Teenagers are supposed to do that as I recall. Go all moody and crotchety like. Paint the walls black and such. RIVER: You think Shanty would really let me paint my room black? MAL: No. Now get going. You’re the pilot. Take us out of the world. (She exits) God that’s pathetic. Was I ever that bad?

******* Scene 10: (Serenity. Galley. Something has gone terribly not right in a pan)

KAYLEE: Cap’n? You might want to remember the rest of us ‘fore you run off another cook. MAL : I did not run him off. KAYLEE: I’m just sayin’.. MAL: Hey, I warmed up the protein for chow here didn’t I? KAYLEE: That’s kinda my point. MAL: Nobody’s making you eat it. KAYLEE: (hugs him) You’re just a mean old man. MAL: Who can’t cook? KAYLEE: Who can’t cook. MAL: You just earned yourself lunch duty the whole trip back. SIMON: (enters)Captain, do you have any idea why my sister asked me to pick up three gallons of black paint at the next port? She won’t give a reason. MAL: Not a glimmer. SIMON: Odd. So, what’s for dinner? KAYLEE: Protein surprise. SIMON: What’s the surprise? MAL: It’s protein. SIMON: Ah. Well. Perhaps some salt and pepper can fix that. And vegetables. And shoyu. Maybe a little rice for good measure? MAL: Congratulations Simon! You’ve just been promoted to cook ‘till we get home. Effective next meal. Best suggestion I’ve heard all day. SIMON: Thank you. It’s an honor. I’m speechless. Truly. KAYLEE: Cap’n, are you sure you want to do that? MAL: You’re sous chef. I’m sure we’ll be in for a truly unique dining experience. Chow’s in ten. JAYNE: (wandering through) What died in somebody’s socks?



Saturday, March 24, 2007 4:00 PM


This is truly a great story here. The voices are brilliantly characterised. All in all a great read.

Saturday, March 24, 2007 5:20 PM


Love the banter, so if Badger didn't set the crew up on that last job who did? Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Sunday, March 25, 2007 12:10 PM


Thank you, thank you, thank you, and wait and see.. in roughly that order.
; )

Sunday, March 25, 2007 4:36 PM


Ahttp://www...poor River...never easy getting dumped, especially the first time:(

Still...brilliant bit of work for your return, stinkingrose! Voices were spot-on and I was laughing my guts off with the Mal/Jayne debate during the job, and Mal's fatherly convo with River about Kim's actions.




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