Come The Ressurrection

This is a standard fanfic disclaimer. They ain’t mine (except them what is), I ain’t gettin’ paid, don’t sue.

Scene 1 (and only): (Serenity. Infirmary. Mal is on the table. Simon is preparing to administer an injection. Kaylee, Jayne, River, and Zoe are looking on)

SIMON: Are we ready? ZOE: Kim’s in the galley. He’ll be there for hours. I told him to whip up a big dinner. SIMON: I’m afraid the Captain probably won’t feel up to much more than broth at this point. JAYNE: Don’t mean the rest of us have to starve. RIVER: Maybe we should have warned him about this? JAYNE: It’ll be good for a laugh when he faints. SIMON: Syncope is always so amusing. RIVER: That’s just cruel. ZOE: I’ll bring the capture. KAYLEE: I still can’t believe you didn’t tell us about this. I though Shanty was burying him without us. ZOE: What if it hadn’t worked? You would have had to see him dead twice. KAYLEE: I guess. Still.. you should warn a body before you raise someone from the dead. ZOE: Next time. SIMON: He’s not dead anymore, just heavily sedated. RIVER: See, he just breathed. JAYNE: Just plain eerie is what it is. RIVER: You’d prefer we’d left him dead? JAYNE: Can I get back to you on that? ZOE: Only if you’re willing to trade places with him. JAYNE: Still say he looks dead. RIVER: He’s too pink to be dead. ZOE: He is out of it, isn’t he. SIMON: I’m about to fix that. There, finished. JAYNE: Well? SIMON: The stimulant should take effect any moment. (They watch) JAYNE: Well? SIMON: Sometimes it takes a little while before sufficient levels are circulating in the blood to counteract the sedatives. (They watch) JAYNE: He ain’t movin. SIMON: Two days ago he was still a corpse, you can’t expect him to just sit up and MAL: (starts to sit up, then falls back onto pillow as Simon catches him) Wha happn’? SIMON: All right, maybe you can. JAYNE: Not bad. KAYLEE: (leans over Mal) Hey, you. MAL: Hey. ZOE: Ni hao ma? MAL: Not sure, belike. JAYNE: Guess Kaylee’s snoring really is loud enough to wake the dead. KAYLEE: I do not snore. SIMON: Do so. KAYLEE: Do not! RIVER, ZOE, MAL: Do so. KAYLEE: Well fine then. MAL: We’ll have to find a dead guy and try it out. JAYNE: Just did. MAL: Shen me? RIVER: You were dead. Now you’re not. MAL: Wasn’t either. JAYNE: Were so. Small bore semiautomatic. One bullet. ZOE: Clean through the heart. Nice shot. JAYNE: I’da gone for the head. ZOE: At that distance? Jian ta de gui! JAYNE: Woulda used a scope. ZOE: All right, maybe with a scope. MAL: Could we get back to the part where I got shot? I remember that I think, but then it got a mite fuzzy like ‘round the edges. People were yelling at me. Couldn’t figure out why. I think I started dreaming , then I woke up. RIVER: Nope. You died. They fixed your heart. Made you a spare just in case. Now you can keep it in a box just like that old pirate story. MAL: That is completely creepifyin’. RIVER: It’s right there, see? MAL: Fei hua. I’m alive right now. Aren’t I? KAYLEE: Now, yes. Last week? Not so much. MAL: I died? SIMON: I checked. Twice. MAL: You mean dead, dead? RIVER: Really dead. You were an ex pirate. SIMON: Expired, really. KAYLEE: Past the date stamped on your butt. MAL: You leave my sit-upon out of this. KAYLEE: We’ll just leave that to Shanty. MAL: Jazmine. I widowed her again, didn’t I? ZOE: ‘Fraid so. MAL: Zoe, could you please kill me again? ZOE: Why? MAL: She’s gonna be mighty peeved, and you have mercy. ZOE: Good point. Wash came back, first thing I’d do is kill him. JAYNE: For living? ZOE: For dying in the first place. Gorram inconsiderate. SIMON: Nobody’s killing anybody. The patient needs his rest. (Starts herding the others out the door) Ni men dou, out. Time’s up. MAL: ( as they are leaving) Zoe, wei. So who killed me? ZOE: Good news. You’re no longer legally married. MAL: (pauses) YoSaffBridge? She didn’t. ZOE: She did. MAL: I can’t believe she shot me. ZOE: You seem to have that effect on women. MAL: She shot me. Well ta ma duh. What happened to her? ZOE: Karmic irony. What goes around comes around. MAL : I owe you, Zoe. ZOE: I’ll put it on your tab, but I didn’t shoot her. MAL: You didn’t? ZOE: Shanty beat me to it. MAL: Jealous woman’s a dangerous thing. ZOE: QBG had no idea who she was. River tracked your assassin to Soonal. Shanty came in, shot the bitch, and left. MAL: She really shot me. How’d she even get out of the hoosegow? ZOE: Knew the judge. MAL: Probably married him. ZOE: Her. MAL: Her. ZOE: Turns out the Alliance was tailing Inara. MAL: Based on information gleaned from the not so dearly departed? ZOE: Near as we can figure. MAL: You sell one little stolen laser pistol and look what it gets you. ZOE: We told you she was trouble. MAL: Next time make sure I’m listening when you’re spouting portents. ZOE: Tried that. Didn’t work. MAL: So how is old Inara anyway? ZOE: Haven’t heard from her. Last time I saw her she was telling someone to haul the body away and scrub the floor. MAL: Efficient girl. Practical. ZOE: Decorative again, too. MAL: Alliance conjures she needs a sitter is not jubilous developments. ZOE: Jazmine said Inara gave her a message to cut and run. MAL: Blackout? ZOE: Not yet. Watchful waiting and trying to hustle it along without looking like someone kicked over an ant hill. MAL: Not so bad then. ZOE: Shr ah. So this mean you get my ship back? MAL: Your ship? ZOE: Shanty said I could have Her. We didn’t think you’d mind seeing how you were dead and all. MAL: Keep forgetting about that part. ZOE: We’ll keep reminding you. MAL: I reckon you will. ZOE: So Mister Reynolds, would you like to book passage back to your family? MAL: That’s not funny. ZOE: Tell you what, we’ll let you work off your fare. MAL: You are too, too kind. Truly a vessel of magnanimity. ZOE: Your woman’s pregnant again. Almost forgot to tell you. MAL: How’d that happen?! ZOE: You’re having trouble remembering all manner of things. Maybe I should get the doctor again. MAL: Just you get my ship headed to Copia. ZOE: Yes, Sir. We’ve got a few things to pick up on the way first. (Kisses him on the cheek as she starts to leave) Welcome back. MAL: Good to be here.