All manner of Not Good
Saturday, September 23, 2006

Post BDM. OC character. Yet another in the series. Pirate attack! Jazmine's not bullet proof! Impending in laws! Unexpected company.


Scene 1 (Bridge. Alarms sounding)

MAL: This is all manner of not good. RIVER: Shr ah. MAL: “Working vacation” she said. (ship takes a hit) “Nice leisurely stopover” she said. (takes another) “Oh, there won’t be any problems”. Excepting pirates. She left out the part about the pirates, you know. RIVER: Oversight. MAL: Out run them? RIVER: Gibu shi. MAL: Hide? RIVER: Where?! MAL: Looks like we’re gonna have to make a stand. You stay here. Be ready to run on my signal. RIVER: Right. MAL: (hits com) All available hands to cargo bay. Not you Kaylee, I need you in the engine room. Locked and loaded people, we’ve got unexpected guests dropping in for tea and cookies. (cuts com) Be ready. (Leaves at a trot) RIVER: (beat) What’s the signal? (follow Mal down hall as he picks up Jayne in full gear, motions Jayne ahead) MAL: Zoe, you dancing this one? ZOE: (from bunk) On my way! Gorram ladder, gorram belly, gorram gravity. MAL: (over shoulder) Don’t spend too long on your hair, I’m hoping this will be a short set. ZOE: AND the armor doesn’t close of course. (follow Mal to catwalk) MAL: Let’s make a good first impression, we aren’t like to get a second chance. (Simon and Jazmine join them, armed) JAZ: (looking at Jayne) Couldn’t decide what to wear? JAYNE: I like to accessorize. JAZ: Can I borrow your earrings? JAYNE: No. JAZ: How ‘bout a grenade then. JAYNE: What’s the magic word? JAZ: Qu ni de. JAYNE: That’s the one! (hands her a grenade) MAL: You’re not using that in here. JAZ: Hope not. What kind of idiots decide to mount a raiding party for this lot? MAL: Ones as don’t know what we’re carrying but are feeling lucky. JAYNE: Their luck just ran out. SIMON: I hope the same can’t be said of us. Where’s River? MAL: Safe in the pilot’s seat where she’ll be of most use. SIMON: What a pleasant surprise. MAL: For now. SIMON: I should have known better. MAL: Well they’re locked on. Here goes. Smiles everyone. ZOE: (enters)You weren’t going to start without me? MAL: Zoe! So glad you could join us. ZOE: Wouldn’t have missed it for all the tea in Londinium, Sir. Like to be the event of the season. MAL: That is still one ugly dress. ZOE: Room for comfort , Sir. (Airlock opens, 10 rough looking characters enter, weapons drawn) QUIMBY: Everybody just put down your weapons real slow like and nobody gets killed. MAL: You took the words right out of my mouth QUIMBY: Captain? (Mal nods) What’s in these crates? (motions his crew to surround them) MAL: Bee barf. QUIMBY: Don’t yank me around. Drop your weapons or we open fire. MAL: Put ‘em down. (defenders place weapons on floor) QUIMBY: Jack, McCue, start loading. (to Mal)You’re smarter than you look. SIMON: That’s not difficult. QUIMBY: (Aims at Simon) You’re not. Speak when you’re spoken to. (aims at Mal again) Now Captain, I am losing my patience. What are you hauling? MAL: Told you already. QUIMBY: (nods to Goober, who kicks Zoe’s gun away, grabs her around neck and puts gun to her head) Precious cargo indeed. Pity if anything should happen to the vessel. Now what is in those crates?! MAL: Ho-ney. Taking it in for sale. QUIMBY: Should fetch a pretty copper or two. JAZ: ( to loaders) You don’t want that one. QUIMBY: Take it. Must be something special for you to protest so hard. GOOBER: (to Zoe) How bout coming with us and having a good time? ZOE: Captain, I’ve been offered a good time. Can I have one? MAL: You’re a big girl. Hey let’s all play! ZOE: I’ll show you mine first (Reaches up leg under skirt, pulls down 10” knife, brings it up and over shoulder to stab Goober in eye. Swings around to slice throat from behind him) (others use distraction to grab weapons. Mal drops to floor, draws to down one pirate. Jaz picks off another. Simon shoots and wings one still holding a crate,that one drops crate and limps toward airlock. Jayne shoots another 2) QUIMBY: OFF!! OFF!! (runs for own ship, as he’s almost there Jayne tosses a grenade at him.) JAYNE: Catch! (Quimby actually catches it, then drops it on deck, runs out as Pirate ship’s airlock closes.) MAL: Now River, Now! (Airlock seals) SIMON: (looks up from behind crate) No boom? JAYNE: No boom. Suckers! Weren’t armed. JAZ: Mine was. MAL: What do you mean, yours was? JAZ: Well, first they’re going to get a face full of angry bees. Told ‘em not to take that crate. MAL: Then? JAZ: After 50 seconds...You ever get a sugar burn? JAYNE: That’s a mean woman. MAL: Could put a man off sweets a while. JAYNE: Why so long a delay? JAZ: Want to give the bees a chance to get out of the airlock first. JAYNE: Wouldn’t want to be cruel to animals, would we? JAZ: Couldn’t have done it without you. MAL: Zoe, you good? ZOE: Irritated beyond belief, no harm done. MAL: Room for comfort, eh? ZOE: (Holds up knife) Meet Comfort. MAL: Let’s get this mess cleaned up. (Flare through window) Must not have read about the briar patch as young ‘uns. River, let’s get some distance twixt us and them! JAZ: Doctor, could you help me with this? (Holds up bloody hand) I seem to be having trouble stopping the (slumps and faints) MAL: Lao tian bu. SIMON: Infirmary. Now.

Scene 3 (Infirmary. Mal and Zoe assisting)

SIMON: She’s coming around. Hold her down. (Zoe does so, Simon Finishes removing bullet) JAZ:Mal? Ow. Malcolm? MAL: Right here. (takes her hand) I don’t recall giving you permission to get yourself shot. JAZ: (as Simon sutures) Aaaahh... First time as a target. Don’t worry, I don’t plan on making a habit of it. (to Simon) How bad? SIMON: You’ll be limping a while, it didn’t hit your femur. No major vessels were disturbed. JAZ: Did I ever mention I don’t lose blood well? ZOE: We noticed. SIMON: Thank you for warning me before you went into labor. JAZ: My pleasure. OW! No time for a local? SIMON: You were unconscious when I started. My options for rapid acting anesthesia are rather limited at present. There’s the known teratogen or the known teratogen. I felt you’d understand. MAL: Wha hoozi gen? SIMON: Bad for baby. JAZ: I’ll forgive you, eventually. Ah! SIMON: Done. Now, you need to rest. I’ll give you an iron supplement. And a laxative. JAZ: (grabs his cheek in a pinch) Who’s da widdle smarty pants funny doctor? Thank you. Hug. (Gives him a hug) Thanks Zoe. ZOE: May you never get a chance to return the favor. JAZ: Can I go to my room now? SIMON: Not yet. ZOE: I’ll see how cleanup’s going. (exits) MAL: (Kisses her forehead, places hand on her belly) Don’t you worry me like that again. JAZ: Try not to. MAL: I have to go do captainy stuff. You be all right here with Simon? SIMON: I’ll try not to lose her while you’re out. MAL: Better not. I’ll be back later. (exits) SIMON: You. Rest. JAZ: Not a problem.

Scene 4 (Following Mal through cargo bay on way to bridge)

MAL: Didn’t mention getting shot either. Amazing what she fails to mention. (passes Kaylee) How’s my girl? KAYLEE: Engine’s fine. Nothing else we can’t fix. MAL: Not going to blow up in atmo? KAYLEE: Not probably. MAL: Perfect. Ship’s got holes in it too. (Runs into Zoe on catwalk) ZOE: Sir. MAL: No harm done. I’ll help you move your stuff. River can take a bunk. Can’t climb ladders with a baby in your arm so we’d better get you used to a new room now. ZOE: Actually it’ll be two babies. MAL: Thought you were sizing up awful fast. (Pats her shoulder) Start packing. ZOE: (obvious relief) Sir. (heads for bunk) MAL: (nearing bridge) Two. (shakes head) River, we still on course?! (enters bridge) RIVER: Minor corrections. Back on track now. (turns to him) She’ll be fine. Don’t yell, it won’t help. MAL: Who’s yelling? RIVER: You will be. MAL: Why? Never mind, just get us back to Persephone so we can unload and get paid for this mess. Burn as hard as you can. RIVER: We’ll get them all in safely. Broody hens. Chicken’s home to roost. MAL: Right. (Turns to exit) JAYNE!!! (hits head on pipes as he turns) Ow. RIV ER: Warned you about yelling. MAL: Just fly. (exiting) Jayne?

Scene 5 (Mal and Jazmine in bed, Jaz’s cabin) JAZ: Greenleaf? MAL: Too much Alliance. Santo? JAZ: Not enough hospital. Beaumonde? MAL: Too close in. Triumph? JAZ: Too far out. (giggles) MAL: Way, waaay out. No hospital anyway. JAZ: Didn’t I hear you got hitched there once? MAL: I told you it was an accident. JAZ: And am I an accident? MAL: You’re a pain. (she pinches somewhere out of sight) Ow! Hey... JAZ: Your wish is my command. MAL: (sighs)We’ve got to find somewhere calm for a bit. Zoe really hauling twins around? JAZ: You want to see hauling, wait a month or two. She certainly will be then. MAL: Damned inconvenient. JAZ: Life usually is. Speaking of convenience.. MAL: You’re about to make an unreasonable demand and then pout until I give in, aren’t you? JAZ: I am not a pouter. I’m a foot stomper and a tickler. Occasionally a thrower. MAL: You’re a menace. What would you have of me? JAZ: I really should check in with a contact. It’s been a while. MAL: Is it on our way? JAZ: Not exactly. But I could take a side trip while you all get settled in. MAL: Absolutely not. JAZ: Why not? MAL: I’m not splitting the crew right now. JAZ: I don’t need an escort. I can find my way alone. MAL: Not happening, and I’m not turning the ship around so you can go have tea and gossip. (stands up, starts pacing) JAZ: (escalating) I have business to attend to. MAL: I’m not going to lose you out there. JAZ: I don’t plan on getting lost! MAL: The answer is no! JAZ: You don’t even know where I’m going!! MAL: That’s because I don’t need to know! Ship’s staying on course. You’re not leaving. Gorram ‘Nara why do you always (stops) JAZ: Well at least you knew who I was ten minutes ago. MAL: Jazmine, I don’t rightly know where that came from JAZ: Sigmund’s wife wore Freudian slips. MAL: What? JAZ: You’ve had this argument before. I haven’t. MAL: (sits back down) Lotus Flower, I didn’t mean to call you.. It just slipped.. It’s over with Inara. Hell, it never was to begin with! JAZ: (puts fingers to his lips)Malcolm, stop. MAL: (pulls her hand away, holds it) I’m over it. JAZ: If you’re so over it why do you still have her picture in your bunk? Ai ya, Bamboo! I’m not upset about your slip of the tongue. I’m upset because you’re not being honest with yourself. If we’re going to have a fight let it be our fight, not an old one you’ve already had with someone else. I don’t have a copy of that script. MAL: Jazmine, I’m just scared you’ll.. Everyone seems to leave, die, or both. (Pulls her in for a hug) I don’t want to lose you. JAZ: You’re not going to lose me Malcolm. I’m a lot harder to get rid of than you’d think. You’ve got a lot of weight on those broad manly shoulders. Spread the load a little. MAL: It’s my load, I’ll carry it. JAZ: I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll see if I can get the contact to come to us, and you ask Kaylee what the med center at her parents’ is like. Two birds, one stone. MAL: Things look quiet enough there we can all settle in to hatch and little Kaylee can have her family at her wedding. And you can play at espionage without leaving the comfort of home. How did you get so subtle? (pulls her close) JAZ: Too many spy novels and whodunits as a girl. MAL: Forgiving? JAZ: (kisses him) Already forgiven. It happens again though, I bite. Hard. You feel better now? MAL: Not much. JAZ: Let’s see if a hot bath fixes that. MAL: You are just full of good ideas today. JAZ: One more then I’ll stop for tonight. MAL: Fire away. JAZ: Between now and then you do a bit of hard thinking on your feelings and see if you can get a couple knots untangled. Doc’ll help if you don’t feel right talking to me. MAL: Simon. JAZ: He’s been trained. Though you’d never know it to watch him. Sometimes all you need is an ear. He’ll do in a pinch. You always know where to find me. MAL: Next to the garlic. JAZ: Just so. (kiss) MAL: How about that soak now? JAZ: Headfirst? MAL: Walked right into that one. JAZ: (touches his forehead) You seem to be doing that lately. MAL: Don’t I just?

Scene 6 (moving day in and out of River/Zoe’s cabin) JAZ: (Leaning on impromptu cane) Howdy neighbor. Settling in all right? ZOE: Still trying to climb the ladder every time I go in or out. How’s the leg? JAZ: Would heal in a week if Simon could use anthing he has on me. Not bad for doing it the old fasioned way. JAYNE: How much le se have you two women got? ZOE: River’s a woman now? JAYNE: Packs like one. RIVER: Take that back. JAYNE: Fine. You pack like two. ZOE: Just keep it moving. JAZ: Sorry to poop out on the party, but I need a nap. ZOE: I’m right behind you. JAZ: Let me know if you need help with flower arranging or other light and dainty work. (hobbles off) ZOE: Better you than me. JAYNE: Just cause you’re moving into a cabin don’t mean you get to put on airs. ZOE: Wasn’t my first choice. JAYNE: (grunts) Cant have you falling down the ladder. ZOE: Didn’t know you cared JAYNE: (shoulders pack) I’d have to do all the heavy lifting if you’re out of it. ZOE: You’re too sweet.

Scene 7 (Eavesdown Docks. Standing at threshold to ramp)

MAL: Jayne, you're with me. We’ve got a fee to collect from Badger. Kaylee you’re to take your blushing groom to be and wave your parents. Doc’ll remember to ask about the facilities while getting grilled by the in laws, Right Doc? SIMON: You have such a way with words. MAL: That’s why I’m captain. Zoe, you and Shanty are hunting for whatever you’re most likely to need on the trip and a while after. Then stock up the pantry. ZOE: Anything to be rid of the tent. MAL: Aw, getting kind of fond of it m’self. ZOE: That’s because you’re not the one wearing it, Sir. MAL: River’s on guard duty while we’re out. Any questions? SIMON: Can I get a puppy? MAL: Only if it’s a breed that goes well with garlic and long noodles. Any other questions? Fine. Bring back the change.

Scene 8 (Kaylee and Simon at vidscreen on bridge, Kaylee on Simon’s lap)

KAYLEE: Mom and Dad seemed really excited. All “my son in law the doctor” happy and suchlike. SIMON: I begin to see where you got it. (kisses her on forehead) KAYLEE: Got what? SIMON: Abundant exuberance. KAYLEE: So does it sound like a place we can stop over a while? SIMON: It is one of the more promising locations put forth so far. I’d vote yes. KAYLEE: Shiny! SIMON: So, my part of the guest list should be pretty easy: River. Who are you planning on being there? KAYLEE: Well, Mom and Dad, the whole family,the rest of the crew. Sure would be nice if Inara could make it. SIMON: It would be pleasant to see her again. KAYLEE: Don’t suppose it’s likely after that last fight. Still, you never know. SIMON: The eternal optimist.(kisses her) I’ve got a few things to straighten up in the infirmary. (stands to leave) See you later? KAYLEE: Probably, the ship’s not that big. (returns to screen as he leaves) She’d never forgive me if I at least didn’t let her know. (Attempts to send wave, gets machine) Hi Inara! Sorry I missed you. Got some news to share if you get a minute. Hope the sex was worth it! (ends transmission, leaves)

Scene 9 (Inara’s rooms. Inara at vidscreen, slightly older companion on screen)

PETRA: You understand my predicament? INARA: Of course, I’d be glad to help. Who were you supposed to meet with? PETRA: The Widow Li. We haven’t been in contact for some time. She just waved me to arrange a meeting. She can’t get away right now as the vessel she’s on is about to take a trip away from our location and leaving it would be rather difficult for her at present. INARA: I’m certain something can be arranged. PETRA: It’s such a relief to know it’s in your hands. INARA: You’d do the same if the situation were reversed Petra. Think nothing of it. What ship did you say she was on? PETRA: Where did I put it? Ah, yes. It’s called Serenity. They are currently on Persephone. Here’s the wave data. INARA: Got it, thanks. Well, I must be going. PETRA: Let me know how it works out. INARA: I will. (cuts screen, puts head in hand and groans) Maybe I can just wave. (Missed call message pops up with Kaylee’s picture) Once is coincidence, twice is fate. (Plays message) Well, now I have two reasons to call. Later.

Scene 10 (Dining area, mid meal. Com gives beep)

RIVER: Incoming wave. I’ll get it. (Jumps up) SIMON: So the meeting with Badger went smoothly? JAYNE: Nobody got shot, we got paid. MAL: He was almost polite. JAYNE: (nods) Made me nervous. MAL: How’s the in laws Doc? SIMON: Fine. Even better news is that the Medical Center should be adequate to our needs. MAL: Sounds like we’ve found the place. River can set a course after supper. KAYLEE: How was shopping? ZOE: Dull, but productive. JAZ: You did get all ooshy wooshy over the tiny shoes, admit it was a little fun. ZOE: I did not get ooshy wooshy. JAZ: Did so. More dumplings? ZOE: They were pretty cute. (takes bowl) MAL: This mean we’ve seen the last of the floral nightmare? ZOE: Been advised not to burn it yet, but it’s at the bottom of the trunk. RIVER: (Returns to seat) Kaylee, wave for you. It’s Inara. ( Dead silence. Everyone avoids looking at Mal, who is looking at Jazmine, who give him a “I had nothing to do with it”) KAYLEE: Got it! (follow her to bridge) Hi ‘Nara!! How have you been? INARA: Hello Kaylee. Busy. So what’s this exciting news you simply must share? KAYLEE: Wedding. INARA: Really, whose? KAYLEE: Mine! And Simon’s . Gonna have it back home. Think you can make it? INARA: How sweet, mei mei. Congratulations. I’ll have to look at my schedule to be certain, but I’d love to come. KAYLEE: Maybe you could catch a ride with us! Everyone would love to see you again. Oh, wait. That might not work so well. You’d have to find passage back with another ship. We’re staying put a spell. INARA: What could possibly convince Mal to touch dirt any longer than absolutely necessary? KAYLEE: Zoe’s having a baby and we need to be near facilities just in case. INARA: Is something wrong? KAYLEE: No, just it’s twins and Simon’s being cautious. INARA: So Zoe’s ..but who? Not Jayne! KAYLEE: Nope. Wash. Had a little something set aside. INARA: Oh thank goodness. Serenity’s been busy. KAYLEE: Sure has. Lots of work coming in lately. Got a tub. Got a new cook too! Shanty’s a dab hand with the protein. We’re all gettin’ fat. INARA: It’s about time you got a cook. KAYLEE: Simon’s protein mush is reason enough for the hire. INARA: I remember. You know, I could see about getting a ride back on another ship. I really must get something for Zoe. Do you have room in the passenger dorm? KAYLEE: If not we can make room for a while! Simon can bunk in with me. Want me to check with the captain? INARA: No, I’ll ask him myself. Is he available? KAYLEE: He’s better than available. He’s eavesdropping. INARA: Some things never change. Well captain? Could you use a paying passenger? MAL: Kaylee, you make that puppy face any harder you’re like to turn into one. Go on back and finish supper. Those dumplings are getting cold. I have some negotiating of fees to do. (Kaylee kisses him, then skips out). Be a shame to disappoint her. INARA: She does have that effect on people. So, business has been good? MAL: Can’t complain. How’s yours? INARA: Not yours. When are you leaving Persephone? I can try to clear my schedule and meet you there. MAL: Got to find someone to cover Seduction 101? INARA: You just can’t stop, can you? MAL: Well, you make it so easy it’d be a shame to let one slip by. INARA: You could try. MAL: This is trying. INARA: Very. I can be there in four days, can you wait? MAL: Kaylee’s like to bust something to make sure. We’ll be here. INARA: The way she described it you’re getting a little crowded. MAL: Well, River and Zoe changed bunks for the duration. Jazmine’s not like to give up her cabin just yet. We could kick Simon out for you, or you could sleep in the shuttle. We’ll not use it this trip overmuch. INARA: I’m sure we’ll work something out. Standard fee? MAL: Agreed. INARA: That’s settled then. You’d better get back to your dumplings. MAL: Won’t be any left when I get there. Jayne and Zoe tend to see to cleaning the platters. INARA: Sounds like the food will be better this trip, if nothing else. MAL: Who said anything about feeding you? INARA: (gives him a look) Goodbye Mal. MAL: See you.(cuts screen) Kuang zhe de. What’s she up to?


Saturday, September 23, 2006 9:17 AM


The Mal and Inara banter back and forth reminded me of the show. I could see it so very clearly. Well done.

Saturday, September 23, 2006 10:11 AM


Yep...Jazmine's on the money...still some shexual tenshion (kinda hard to replicate a lisp via text;D) between Mal and Inara. It's gonna be a fun time between the three of them;)


Saturday, September 23, 2006 11:04 AM


SIMON: (looks up from behind crate) No boom?

... "There was supposed to be an Earth-shattering kaboom!"

Saturday, September 23, 2006 12:42 PM


Why do I get the feeling that Inara is going to rain on Mal and Jaz's parade? Always with the manipulating and even with the opening from Kaylee she didn't own up what it is she is wanting. Just hope the price isn't too high. Loved all the dialogue and smirked at Zoe's roomy tent being made for comfort then holding up the knife and introducing it as Comfort. Obviously Jayne is rubbing off on her... Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Saturday, September 23, 2006 11:49 PM


You are really gonna put Inara and Jazmine in the same room? And put Mal in the middle? I thought I was mean to the man...:)

Loved the Comfort line. And Simon's puppy line. Still say 'Good Dogs' uses too much coriander...


You must log in to post comments.



Flying The Coop
The landscape's changing. Serenity's moving on. They'll all be fine.

Garden, With Cakes
Integrating Inara's storyline with other stuff going on. Still sticking to my own little corner of the 'Verse.

Child's Play
Moving the plot along.

Cold Sweat
Short installment in the biggish darned series.

Road Trip
Getting antsy. Jayne hits a house of ill repute and several people. Neither of these events is described in detail.

Imbalance of Power
This is a setup.

Lonesome Albatross
Sniff sniff...sob. Teenage angst. Also flying bullets.

Love Nuns
Serenity returns to Copia. Mal faces the music. Half naked men wrestling.

Big Rosie
Back story for the 76th.

Come The Ressurrection
Fairly short (for me). He's baack!