What Defines Him?
Sunday, February 12, 2006

Kaylee thinks about Simon and all that he is to her, all that he means to her. Simon/Kaylee. (PG)


Disclaimer: Although Joss Whedon and I share many things in common (such as our passion for Firefly) the ownership of Firefly/Serenity is not one of them. Firefly belongs to Joss and Joss alone.


Simon is everything to her. He’s the reason she wakes up in the morning, the reason she smiles so brightly. He’s the dreams she has; he’s the air she breathes, the light by which she works. Simon is what fills all of the voids in her life. Simon means more to her than anything in the ‘verse one could name. Simon is worth more to her than her own life. So what exactly defines Simon to her?

A thousand words come to mind when she thinks of Simon, and all of them mean more than what the dictionary says they do. They mean different things. There are synonyms, antonyms. There are verbs, there are adjectives, there are pasts and presents, subjunctives, adjectives, adverbs, perfects and imperfects. All of the words that come to mind make up Kaylee’s own, personal definition of Simon Tam.


It’s the first thing that comes to mind when she thinks of him. He’s her heart and soul. He’s her joie de vivre. Simon is the one who holds her heart in his hands, he takes her apart, he makes her feel, see. He holds her in his arms and makes love to her, he fills her, touches every part of her. She cries tears of laughter, joy, love, bliss, mirth and a thousand other things for him. She moves with him, breathes with him, falls with him.

She remembers when it first started, when she first began to think of them as being lovers. Sure, she’d had lovers before him, but that was so superficial. With Simon, when she thinks of the word lover, she thinks of strings. Emotional strings. The strings that tie her to him on a spiritual level, the strings that connect them more deeply than the physical act of loving ever could. Those strings that spell out lover every time she thinks of him.

Kaylee recalls those mornings where they would wake up wrapped in each others arms. She recalls just that prior morning, a morning like every other, and yet so unlike them all. Each morning with Simon is the same, but at the same time it is unique. They always make love in the mornings. Simon is a perfect lover at any time of day, but he is always most energetic in the morning. He is always his least inhibited in the early hours.


He’s always there for her, there with her. Even when they’re apart the knowledge that he is there comforts her. Simon is always willing to listen, to comfort, to talk, to advise, to reassure, to anchor. She can talk to him, laugh with him, cry with him; share all of her secrets with him. She can go to him whenever she wants honesty, nothing but the truth. She can go to him when she just needs another presence nearby.

A smile curves her lips as she recalls amiable silences, exchanging significant glances, sharing jokes, stories and laughs that none of the others caught on to. It’s a perfect relationship. It isn’t demanding; it’s deep and fulfilling. They share an intimate connection that only friends can share, that can’t be broken.


Kaylee remembers his professionalism, but at the same time the gentle, subtle intimacy of his touches as he examined her after she’d been shot by the fed during Simon’s first few days on board. She remembers how gentle and concerned he was, how calm under fire when he’d tried to reverse the effects of the reaver darts before he’d been shot down on the battlefield. He is always his best (second only to the times that he is making love with her, that is) when he is doing his doctoring.

Another smile touches Kaylee’s lips as she thinks over how concerned Simon always is. Sometimes he helps her in the engine room and some of those times she reaches back too quickly and hits her funny bone, or cuts her finger on something, and he’s always there trying to patch her up. At first it had irritated her, how in situations like those where all she needs is a gentle kiss he is trying to be completely professional, but now she knows better. She knows that Simon can’t help himself, and she has grown used to his approaches to her injuries, however minor. Now she accepts and embraces it.


Not a Companion like Inara, but much more than that. As her companion, Simon is always unfailingly by Kaylee’s side. He is always with her in whatever situation befall them, protecting her, keeping her company, keeping her safe and sane. He is always putting her first and standing by her like only a true companion would, remaining unconditionally at her side.

She remembers the time that Jubal Early had boarded Serenity in the dead of night and had taken her old girl’s entire crew hostage to get his hands on River and Simon. She remembers the nightmares she had for weeks afterward, nightmares about what Early had threatened, about what he’d done to Simon, what more he would have done if River’s plan had failed. She remembers how through the following weeks, despite having his own injuries and River’s nightmares to worry about, Simon had been by Kaylee’s side to help her work through her own nightmares, to excuse and forgive her for what she’d said and done.


Kaylee can easily recall many a time when Simon had been her hero, her savior. She recalls the time when she’d been shot, how Simon had been there to patch her up and bring her through it, despite the chaos surrounding him. He should have been thinking of himself, his sister, like any other man would have, but he’d sacrificed peace of mind and a shot at saving his own skin in order to save Kaylee’s.

He isn’t just her hero, either. He’d helped save so many people, he’d held so many lives in his hands. He’d helped get the captain and Wash back after they were taken by Niska. He’d almost been burned at the stake trying to save River on Jiangyin. He’d saved Zoe’s life that night their life support had given out and a fire had ripped through the ship. All of those things coupled with the fact that Kaylee knew Simon was willing to do anything for anyone before himself made him a hero in her books, even if Zoe’s definition begged to differ.


Sometimes it’s synonymous with doctor, but most times it isn’t. As a healer, Simon is more to Kaylee than just someone who can patch up her aches and pains. He’s a spiritual healer. With his touch and his soft, mellifluous, deep whispers, he knows just how to relax her and reassure her at the end of a long day. Sometimes he does it even when she doesn’t know she needs healing. That’s what makes him so amazing a lot of the time, he can see things in her that she can’t see in herself.

Kaylee thinks about Simon’s healing touch and how it can mend her heart and soul, not just her working parts. He doesn’t even have to be touching her for her to feel his hands on her, mending and maintaining, kind of like what she’s always doing with Serenity. She sighs happily, that nostalgic sheen ever-present in her eyes.


Ah yes, the perfect gentleman with the core upbringing. Kaylee laughs out loud when she thinks about how desperately Simon is always trying to be absolutely polite and upstanding. She tells him time and time again that it doesn’t matter out in the black, but he’s so set in his ways that she doubts anything short of a blow to the head will make him forget everything he’s ever been taught.

Kaylee’s gotten used to that part of Simon and now she thinks it’s absolutely endearing. As they’ve grown closer over several months, Kaylee’s realized that she doesn’t need to change Simon, that he’s already perfect for her as is. He’s a gentleman at heart and that’s all she wants him to be, is that person deep inside that he’s meant to be. The person she’s so in love with.


Kaylee shares everything with Simon. She loves that about him. The man is somehow bound to secrecy. She knows that she can confide in him. She can always pour her heart and soul into their conversations, share everything with Simon, even if it’s something she needs to say about him, if she needs to tell him that he’s said something to hurt her, or done some such thing. Even if she needs to tell him she’s feeling a little left out after something that requires his attention has befallen someone aboard.

Simon never gets mad at her when she tells him things, no matter what it is she tells him. He just brushes it off with one of his polite its okay’s and promises to fix it. Sometimes she wants it fixed, but sometimes she feels awful about telling him something needs fixing, because sometimes it really doesn’t. She smiles sadly and sighs wistfully, her thoughts taking on another turn.

Soul mate.

Kaylee knows they’re the two words that sum up anything and everything Simon is to her. Everything she is to him. Sure, they’re opposites in almost every way, but opposites attract, after all. Kaylee finds herself inexplicably drawn to Simon, and she knows he’s the same with her, the way he loses control when they’re together. Though she’s never been a big fan of the term soul mate, Simon has made her reconsider that.

Simon’s her equal in every way. Most of the time Kaylee even goes so far as to think that Simon’s too good for her, but he always sets her straight. He tells her she’s pretty and that there’s no one in the ‘verse he’d rather be with, no one that makes him feel quite like she does. It always makes her smile and blush. She doesn’t believe it, but it’s nice to hear anyway. She’s real modest about those kinds of things, but she lets Simon believe otherwise. She knows her modesty would only lead to more flattery.


Kaylee smiles at the thought of that word.

He’s everything to her. He’s all of those things, and more. He’s each and every one of those things, and he’s hers.


Sunday, February 12, 2006 7:35 PM


Oh, how can something PG be so sexy? I mean, the fact that it's about Simon helps, obviously. Just gorgeously written. Can't wait for more from you!

Sunday, February 12, 2006 8:05 PM


Thanks, Frell, I'm glad you liked it!

Just an idea that came to me in the shower the other day. Funny, you think something smuttier would come to me in the shower... *giggle*

Sunday, February 12, 2006 9:41 PM


Oh, this was so hot and sweet at the same time.

I'd love to see a companion piece with Simon's thoughts.

And - please write more S/K..... :)

Monday, February 13, 2006 3:29 AM


Thanks for your kind words, ladies!

Tammy; wow, I never did think of a companion piece, but now that you mention it... *lightbulb goes off in mind*

Misskitten; Wow, a 10/10?! If this were the Olympics, I'd be kicking ass!

Glad you both liked it!

Monday, February 13, 2006 4:05 AM


You have quite a way with words.
Hope yo see one from Simons POV.

Monday, February 13, 2006 4:05 AM


You have quite a way with words.
Hope to see one from Simons POV.

Monday, February 13, 2006 4:06 AM


Thank you, blackbeanie!

I've spent years cultivating that "way with words" of mine, so I'm glad to see that I'm getting somewhere with it! =)

I'll definitely be doing one from Simon's POV!

Monday, February 13, 2006 4:33 AM


Everyone has already said it - but this is very good. I'm looking forward to reading the one from Simon. One thing that caught my attention: "joie de vivre" - Simon teach her that phrase? ;)

Monday, February 27, 2006 4:33 AM


*snuggles fic*

*happy sigh*


Tuesday, April 11, 2006 9:31 AM


For the first time in my life i'm jealous of a fictional character! Which raises an interesting thought -- if enough peopkle believe, is the character really fictional?

Keep up the great work!!!

Friday, June 23, 2006 3:10 AM


*she doubts anything short of a blow to the head will make him forget everything he’s ever been taught*

Great line^.

Very sweet little piece, and I agree with the others that say one from Simon's POV would be good too.


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Caught in the Act
As she waits in the infirmary for Simon to join her for an evening out, Kaylee's curiosity gets the best of her.

Cruel Summer (Chapter 4)
The crew visits Kaylee’s family on Harvest. Kaylee shows Simon that there’s more to life outside Serenity’s walls than he could ever have thought. (PG13)

Cruel Summer (Chapter 3)
The crew visits Kaylee’s family on Harvest. Kaylee shows Simon that there’s more to life outside Serenity’s walls than he could ever have thought. (PG)

Cruel Summer (Chapter 2)
The crew visits Kaylee’s family on Harvest. Kaylee shows Simon that there’s more to life outside Serenity’s walls than he could ever have thought. (PG)

Simon is feeling dominating and decides that it's Kaylee's turn to sumbit. Simon/Kaylee. (HARD NC17)

Cruel Summer (Chapter 1)
After the BDM, the crew decide they need some quiet time and go to visit Kaylee’s family on Harvest. Kaylee shows Simon that there’s more to life outside Serenity’s walls than he could ever have thought. Simon/Kaylee. (PG)

Soft Curves
Simon wakes Kaylee up in an unconventional way. (R)

As My Anger Reigns
Sometimes all it takes to soothe an angered soul is a gentle kiss. Mal/Simon. (PG13)

What Defines Her?
Simon thinks about Kaylee and all that she means to him. (PG13)

Kaylee decides that maybe a little pain is worth the gain. Takes place just post the pilot, Serenity. (PG)