Pretty ... pretty - chapter 14 - "Jaynes hell"
Sunday, November 13, 2005

Fourteenth part of my Simon/Kaylee series. More humorous bit. Focuses mostly on River, all I'm gonna say.


AN: After I finished the last chapter I was a little at a loss on what to do next, not wanting to just focus on the pregnancy, cause even though that's really cute and all it can get boring pretty easily. So I was chatting to a friend of mine and we started brainstorming and one thing she said really stuck by me and then I had a talk with Ida, my best friend who just said a few things that got me rolling on the floor with laughter. So here we go from angst to humor.

AN2: As for the question if I have decided the babys sex, I have. I won't reveal it yet though, so you, like the characters will still be guessing ;)

*** Jaynes hell ***

Jayne made his way down the ladder to his bunk. He wasn't all that tired, but there was nothing to do. He had lifted weights for about an hour. Although he usually did two when he first started, the way River had stared at him from the other side of the bay had just freaked him out. He hated it when she did that. Just sat there and stared at a fella, not saying anything. It was downright creepy. Started around supper. He was dipping his bread into the soup, taking bit bites out of it, talking with Mal about the next job they had lined up. At first he hadn't really noticed the stare. He had thrown the doc and Kaylee a couple looks, the way the lovebirds were interacting, making googly eyes at each other, sneaking a kiss. Part of it had just made Jayne queasy. He tolerated the doc at best, but the guy made Kaylee shine brighter than ever and even though Jayne wouldn't admitt it even at gunpoint, he liked it when Kaylee smiled. There was a ton of brothers at home to keep his ma company, but the little mechanic was the closest Jayne had to a sister.

When taking his eyes from the happy couple he found River staring at him, a perfectly innocent smile on her face, but there was just something about her that creeped him out. He tried not to notice her, but the way she was staring it was downright hard not to. He excused himself from the table and headed for the cargo bay where he found his belowed weights. Short of ten minutes later she had been at her place. Girl had to be plotting something, Jayne thought. He never knew what was up in that moonbrain head of hers, but he always had a tingling when someone was plotting and right then, that tingling was turning to an itch.

So he cut the training session short and decided to head for his bunk, knowing well that it was the only place on the ship where he would be able to avoid the nutter. Maybe count his weapons and try to get some shut-eye. Wasn't much else ter do down there, except molesting himself and Rivers staring had put his mind right off that. He threw his body onto the bunk, not seeing the big sharp knife lying on it. A list of cuss words that would have made his pa proud left his lips as he felt the blade dig into his skin.


Kaylee was despite her condition, on her back underneath the engine. Grav thrust needed some rewiring... again. She had to talk to the captain about getting some new spare parts. While doing it she was talking to the baby. There hadn't been definate kicking yet, but there was been some movement going on in there. Reason she had determined it to not be kicking, was that Simon had placed his hand on her belly. She had felt the movement, but he hadn't. Her guess was the baby was turning in her sleep, probably dreaming. And to make sure there was no nightmares passing through her babys head, she found herself talking to her. Until she knew otherwize, Kaylee had decided to think of the baby as a girl. Mostly because that was what Simon thought it to be. They didn't know for sure yet, as they didn't hold the equipment to find out, but Kaylee had gotten acclimed to the thought of having a girl.

As of cue she felt a movement. It was different than the other times, more energetic. Her hand flew to her belly to feel if it was a kick. Yup. Definatly a kick. Her baby was kicking. A tingling went through her body and she knew she had to just leave Serenity be for a moment. Simon had to know, he had to feel it too. So she hoisted herself up on her feet and made way towards the infirmary. Her hand flew back to her stomach as there was another confirmed kick. She put her hand on the edge of the door and helped herself into the room.

- Simon, she called out, as she stopped dead in her tracks.

Her gaze instantly fixated on Jayne's hairy ass sticking up from the operating table. There was a long red tear down the right butt cheek. Her hand instantly flew to her mouth to stiffle a giggle, as she saw Simon sewing several stitches onto it, his expression forced to look as though he wasn't amused by the situation.

- What happened, Kaylee asked, her voice sounding amused, despite her efforts not to laugh.

- Jayne here had an accident with one of his knives.

- How many times I have ta say it wasn' my gorram knife, Jayne growled. - Ow, watch where ya put that thing, doc!

- I thought you said this happened in your bunk?

- Wasn' my knife, I don' put my knives on my bed, if I had I wouldn' 'ave threw myself on it, would I? I never saw it 'fore, big shiny knife with a red bow 'round it.

Kaylee found herself loosing controle over a fit of giggles, which got Simon into deeper trouble of keeping his hand steady to finish the job. He didn't like looking at Jayne's ass more than the next person. A minute was a minute too much.

- Come on, Jayne, Kaylee laughed. - Who'd give ya a knife...

- More importantly, Simon pondered. - Who'd tie a bow around it?

The last bits got too much for Kaylee and she was laughing too hard to speak.

- I'll tell ya who, that moonbrain sister of yours. Got it in for me. Should 'ave known she was plottin' somethin'. Been starin' at me for days she has.

- What's so fu... whoa, Zoe said as she entered the infirmary.

- Hey, is there some meeting here or something, Wash asked before he too stopped, covered his eyes and screamed. - My eyes! My eyes!

- That's going to permanently be burned on my brain pan, Zoe commented, turning around.

As Jayne felt the string again pierce his flesh he groaned. This was not one of his best days.


A roaring of laughter met him as Jayne stiffly walked into the dining area. There was no secret as for why he was walking funny and *noone* would believe him when he said the knife had not been his.

- You really should be carefull where you leave your knives, Jayne, Wash joked. - You never know where they might end up...

- Please don't remind me, husband, Zoe muttered. - I'm scarred for life without having to see that thing again.

Jayne glared at them as he sat down onto the chair.

- Careful so you don't tear your stitches, Simon warned.

Too late for hearing the caution, Jayne yelped in pain as something dug into his flesh, tearing in his left butt cheek. The laughter died down and everyone turned to look at the mercenary.

- Doc, Jayne groaned, as he pushed himself to a standing position.

The vision of the bow-wrapped knife sticking out of Jayne's butt was enough to start a round of giggles. This time the bow was bright pink and Jayne looked straight out riddiculous to say the least. The knife let go of the wound and made a clank as it hit the floor. Jayne groaning in pain, turned his head and spotted the bow. Right across the table River was peering at him, giving him the most innocent smile he'd ever seen... and Jayne started seriously fearing for his life.


Jayne woke up on the operating table in the infirmary, River sitting on the counter, her knees up under her chin as she was smiling at him. She was wearing one of Kaylee's old floral dresses with a white cotton belt around it. Her eyes was fixated on him.

- Doc, he called out. - Get your gorram moonbrain sister out of here.

- With Kaylee, River answered. - Sleeping.

Jayne was too doped up to move so he just plainly tried ignoring the crazy girl. Even with his eyes closed and his head turned away he felt her staring at him. The room was silent for ten minutes and he heard some noises that made him turn his head towards her again. She was no longer sitting at the counter, she seemed to be working on something on her belt.

- What you doin'?

- Taking off my belt, she answered, not looking up.

- Why, he asked, brow raised.

- So I can take off my dress, she said and gave him her famous 'duh' look.

This made Jaynes eyes widen.

- Doc, he called out, hoping for an answer.

If nobody stopped the girl before that dress went off, people would seriously get the wrong impression.

- You called for something, Zoe asked, pausing slightly to take in the sight before her. - River, sweetie? What are you doing?

- Sexual intercourse is the act of inserting the erect penis into the vagina for reproduction purpose, River explained. - Conception is the moment that a man's sperm successfully fertilizes a woman's egg. The sperm and egg fuse to form a zygote, which will eventually grow into an embryo and then a fetus.

Zoe stopped dead in her tracks and tried her best not to laugh as she spotted the startled look on Jayne's face. Her hand reached out to take Rivers.

- Why don't we go and have us a talk, she suggested.

River still had her hands on her belt glansed over at Jayne once more before taking Zoe's hand. Jayne could see the amusement on Zoe's face, as the two left the infirmary.

- I think you might have made that man even more terrified of you then he was before, Zoe told River as they reached the kitchen. - The knives... that was you, wasn't it?

- A present is something of value that's voluntarily transferred by one person to another out of affection, generosity, charity, or like impulses, River explained. - Jayne likes knives.

- I doubt he likes them sticking out of his butt cheek, Zoe laughed, imagery popping up in her mind. - The bow was a nice touch, though.

- Not the plan, River said sadly.

- You don't need a baby to get your brothers attention. Although he'll have a handfull with it, he'll still have time for you. I think you need to have a talk with him.

Zoe took Rivers hand and guided her towards Simon and Kaylee's room. She was about to knock the door, when she turned around to face the young girl.

- Lets not tell Simon about this, I think he'd have a heart attack if he knew you picked Jayne out of everyone here.

River looked at her puzzled.

- Can't pick Simon, Simon's brother... and husband. Can't pick Wash, also husband. Preacher old. Captain occupied. Leaves Jayne.

Zoe laughed as she knocked on the door to the young couple. She hated disturbing them, especially since she believed Kaylee needed her sleep for the babys sake, but she feared that unless this matter was settled River would return to the infirmary and finish the job. And that would give them a greater headache than a 3 am wake-up call would. Simon appeared in the door wearing boxers and a halfway buttoned shirt. This was as untidy Zoe ever had seen the proper doctor and it made her chuckle slightly at the sight. Kaylee appeared behind him, a large shirt hanging loosely around her pregnant belly.

- Sorry to wake you, doctor, but I think you need to have a talk with your sister.

- What did she do, Simon asked, not even sure he wanted to know.

- She and I just had a talk is all. I was up fixing myself a snack and found River there, Zoe explained. - Come to think of it I never got to get that snack.

- I'll come with you, Kaylee said, curious to know what really had happened.

This left Simon with River.

- River, do you feel neglected, he asked, as he guided her into his and Kaylee's bunk.

- To fail to give care or proper attention to someone or something, she answered.

- Do you feel I have done that to you?

- Need to be husband, need to be father, not brother all the time.

- Mèimei, I'm always your brother.

- No, you don't comprehend. I'm sister, not wife, not mother. Just sister. Alone.

- You have me, he suggested, starting to grasp the context.

- All I have, she murmured, a tear in her eye.

- No, no.., he said, shaking his head. - You have me, you have Kaylee and the baby.

- Not mine. Yours.

- They are yours too, Simon assured her. - Kaylee's your sister-in-law. The baby's your niece or nephew. You're not just a sister, you're an aunt too.

River's sad face turned within seconds into a smiling one. Simon pulled his sister into a hug.

- Isn't that a pretty sight, Kaylee chipped from the doorway.

She was munching on one of the few apples that was left on Serenity. Her other hand was resting on her round belly. Her hand jerked suddenly.

- Hey, aunt River, you want to feel her kick, Kaylee asked.

- She's kicking, Simon asked in awe.

Kaylee nodded and went over to the bed.

- Go on, sweetie, she told River and pointed to a specific part of her belly. - Just put your hand here, it's where she likes to kick.

River let her hand touch the spot and just as Kaylee promised, a foot pressed out to meet the proud aunts hand. Simon leaned over and pressed his hand upon the belly right next to it. Minutes passed and Simons heart sank. He had hoped to also feel his baby's first kicks. River let go of the belly and moved to the side to let mother-to-be sit down. Suddenly River yawned, followed by Kaylee, followed by Simon

- An involuntary intake of breath through a wide open mouth, usually triggered by fatigue or boredom, River uttered. - Sign to go to bed.

She leaned over to Kaylee's belly.

- Sleep. Grow. Become, she whispered, before getting up and leaving the room.

Simon and Kaylee was left sitting on the bed. Simons hand was still on Kaylee's belly.

- Do you think she's sleeping?

- Dunno. She usually moves when I talk to her.

Simon grinned.

- You talk to her? How often?

- When I'm workin' on Serenity. I tell her what I do to keep her flyin'. She seems to like that.

- Can I try?

- She's your baby too, you know, Kaylee chuckled.

- How do I start, he asked, sheepishly.

- Jus' tell 'er who you are. So she knows who's talkin' to 'er.

- Okay... here goes, Simon said, awkwardly. - Hey baby, this is your dad.

Kaylee felt a whole rush of emotions upon hearing him call himself that. She had on more than once called herself a mom out loud, in the engine room, when talking to the baby, but this was the first time she had heard Simon call himself a dad. And the tingling that gave her was running a close second to the feeling of her unborn kick. The minute she thought it, a strong kick was delivered, right at Simon's hand. He gawped at the motion. He had now felt it. The true sign that there really was a little baby growing in there.

His eyes met hers and he put his hands on both sides of her face, giving her the most loving kiss he had in him. As they broke off, she sighed and let her head rest on his shoulder.

- By the way, what was it River really had done?

- Trust me, Kaylee said, stiffling a giggle. - You don't want to know.


Sunday, November 13, 2005 6:06 PM


Aw!!! That was the sweetest thing!

Except for the part about Jayne. Oh, that'll be seared into MY brainpan. *shudder*.

Auntie River! How sweet!

Sunday, November 13, 2005 6:48 PM


I like this. River had been pretty much absent the entire story so far, and it's fresh to see her perspective on her brother and sister-in-law becoming parents and her becoming an aunt.

And as for Jayne, it's interesting to see how all sorts of torture could happen to him, and it's still funny.

Sunday, November 13, 2005 6:57 PM


Really great chapter. I think it is one of your best! Update update update! Please.

Sunday, November 13, 2005 8:08 PM


Gotta say, I'm rooting for a girl, too. Not sure why, a girl just seems more Simon's temperment than a boy. Can't explain it any bettert than that.

And I like the notion that River would also try pregnancy to retrieve some of her brother's affection - it certainly worked for Kaylee.

"Captain is occupied" was the perfect understated description of Mal/Inara.

Sunday, November 13, 2005 8:35 PM


Hee! Oh, Jayne...

And Simon and Kaylee...gawwww, just so cute!

Monday, November 14, 2005 6:17 AM


my heart is now a melty little puddle...and my eyes are burned from their sockets

"Wash...covered his eyes and screamed My eyes! My eyes!"


Monday, November 14, 2005 3:26 PM


hey dont you dare make it a boy just becauses everyone wants it t be a girl... element of suprise would not be good in this case so have a ggod reason for makin it a boy if youu do plz...

great chapter make another

P.S. I wanna girl

Monday, November 14, 2005 3:26 PM


hey dont you dare make it a boy just becauses everyone wants it t be a girl... element of suprise would not be good in this case so have a ggod reason for makin it a boy if youu do plz...

great chapter make another

P.S. I wanna girl

Monday, November 14, 2005 5:50 PM


Bah..I keep getting to these so LATE! Gorram school...

But I love the River choosing Jayne and her explanation LOL, and then another AWWW when Simon calls himself Dad..aww

Monday, November 14, 2005 9:34 PM


You are so awesome! I just finished reading Chapters 1-14 and I am now eagerly waiting for the MANY more chapters that will hopefully come swiftly! I've been trying on all of the different 'ships and you are winning me over to the Simon/Kaylee side by a landslide! I loved the Wash line after he saw Jayne's ass! MY EYES!! hehe Keep up the good work!

Monday, November 14, 2005 9:36 PM


Also pulling for a girl! This is going to sound crazy but this story makes me want to get pregnant! Or maybe thats just me! My husband will know who to blame! :)


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