Amateur -- Part 2
Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A continuation of Amateur


This is a continuation of Amateur, a little Simon/Kaylee pairing that just will not get out of my head.

Sorry for the delay in finishing this little tale, I just had kid #2 and have been a little too busy (not to mention too tired to write)

As before, I have no prose abilities, so this is written a bit like a screenplay

Black Beanie -- Thanks for the formatting suggestions, let’s see if this one is easier to read.. Miss Kitten -- Thanks for loaning me the S/K-Canton pairing


Still at Mme Huan’s. Simon and Kaylee are goofing around on the piano. She’s playing some blues chords and he’s filling in the rest of the notes around her. The rest of the crew is gathered by the fire. Wash and Zoe are at the window overlooking the garden. River is perched near Jayne, positioning his fingers on the guitar to show him different notes..

Jayne: (Picking away at the guitar) Horney yet?

Women: (In unison) NO!

Kaylee bolts from the piano and runs outside.

Mal: I haven’t seen lil’ Kaylee move that fast since she saw the buffet at ‘Nara’s party.

Inara: But you were there.

Mal: (puzzled) Yeah

Inara: So it clearly wasn’t MY party.

Simon: (Confused and embarrassed, joins the rest by the fire)

Inara: I’m not sure I want to know, but in the world did you say?

Simon: (Baffled) I told her that she made me happy and I’d like to return the favor. I tried to give her some earrings but… I don’t know.

River (Leans over to Jayne and whispers in his ear)

Jayne (Looks at River oddly) Doc? You forget crazy’s meds this morning? Going on about how she’s a bug.

River: (Shakes head and rolls eyes)

Simon (Distracted, shrugs it off) I’ll check her levels in the morning, there’s nothing I can do about it tonight.

Inara: Let’s see the earrings.

Simon hands them to Inara, who’s clearly taken aback.

Simon: They’re nice, right? I’m not really one for jewelry, but they’ve been in my family for years and I’d always liked them.

Inara: They’re stunning. I’ve never seen natural emeralds half this size. Are you sure you didn’t say anything else?

Wash: (Nodding) I dunno, if Simon whipped out the family jewels in front of me I’d be retching too.

Simon (confused) What?

Wash: I mean, you’re sickening, for sure. But vomit-inducing? Doc, you’ve outdone yourself.

Simon goes to window, Kaylee is off on a bench in the garden, doubled over away from the camera.

Simon, heads back to dinner table, looks over Kaylee’s place setting, fills her glass with water and heads outside.

Wash: Just do what I do with girls Doc, feed them and tell them they’re pretty.

Zoe: (Raises eyebrows) Excuse me?

Wash: (Offers her a bit of chocolate) Have I told you how incredible you look tonight?

----------------------------------- Simon: Here. (Hands Kaylee the water, then ties her hair back with an elastic and sits down next to her facing back towards the house)

Kaylee: Thanks…(touches hair) What are you doing with hair baubles?

Simon: With River, it pays to be prepared. It’s just a little slice of surgical tubing,

Uncomfortable pause….

Simon: So it wasn’t the earrings?

Kaylee: Nah, they’s real pretty.

Simon: And it wasn’t what I said?

Kaylee: (Chuckles a little) Nah, that was real pretty too.

Simon: Well, there’s a chance it was something you ate, and there’s a chance it’s a bug you picked up somewhere, but I don’t think that’s it…..Kaylee, is there a chance you could be pregnant?

Kaylee: (Ashamed, nods)

Simon: (Sighs) Okay, do you want me? To be your doctor I mean, if not, we can find you someone here or somewhere else, but that might mean being off of Serenity for a while…depending on if you want to continue this pregnancy.

Kaylee: No, I’d like…I’d like to continue, and I wanna stay on Serenity. Is that okay? Do you want to..

Simon (Puts up a hand a little and shakes his head) What I want doesn’t matter, but I need to be sure you’re okay talking to me. I don’t want to know anything that’s not my business, but there are some things that are my business, I mean, I’ll probably be asking you some things as part of my job, okay?

Kaylee: (Nods)

Simon: Okay, when was your last cycle?

Kaylee: I dunno, they sorta come and go, girls get a little funny that way in the black. ‘Nara says we miss the moon.

Simon: Nods, yeah, I’ve heard that….So, you told Inara?

Kaylee: No, I haven’t told anyone. I wanted to talk to you first.

Simon: Well, the sickness will pass, and you won’t show for a bit, so you’ve got some time, but they might figure it out on their own. (Smiles) At some point, even Jayne will notice there’s a kid running around the boat…………………So, do you know when conception might have taken place?

Kaylee: (Nods, pukes again) I feel like I’m dying. Doesn’t the baby need food?

Simon: It’s just a side-effect. Your hormone levels go all over the place, it takes awhile for them to level off. Tomorrow, we can see if there’s anything in town to help, but I can’t make any promises.

Kaylee: I know.

Simon: Actually, speaking of promises…………………..


Wash (To Mme Huan): I hope you didn’t like that bush by the bench, Kaylee seems bent on killing it.

Mme Huan (Grimacing) The one with the speckled leaves?

Wash : Yeah, I’m not sure they were like that before though….

Zoe: (Changing subject -- speaking to Mme Huan) So, was Simon always this…..I don‘t even know what to call it.

Mme Huan: Simon has never been particularly good at telling people what they want to hear. That’s why his parents allowed him to choose medicine over law or politics. He could still be of some importance without having to lie….much.

Inara: Simon doesn’t often discuss his parents.

Mme Huan: (Smiles) It’s rude to speak ill of the dead.

Jayne: Dead? I knew it! He offed them before he ran.

Mme Huan: I was joking. The Tams still walk and talk and smile just as they always have.

Jayne: They’re zombies?!

Wash: You’ll have to forgive Jayne, he’s…. well, he’s Jayne.

Mme Huan: Yes, well, as “Jayne” as he may be, but he isn’t wrong. High society is full of zombies. An example for you: When Simon was eight, he was late for a lesson, which was unlike him even then. When I went outside to look for him, I found him unconscious in my garden. After taking him to the hospital, the doctor said a small scratch had become infected. It could be easily treated with antibiotics, but that they would keep him overnight to keep an eye on him. He told me not to worry, but then told me something that worried me more. He said, that with a case such as this, Simon would have had a very high fever for between five to seven days before I found him.

Jayne: And that’s what screwed him up? So what? I don’t get it. They didn’t beat on him or nothing’.

Inara: (understanding) They never touched him.

Mme: (Points at Inara -- Bingo!) Not a kiss to the forehead, not a pat on the back. If they’d even looked at him they would have noticed. But this is not where this story ends. I managed to reach his parents, who were at an event and explained what had happened. They were so worried … that they stopped by the hospital on their way home.

Inara: Stopped by?

Mme Huan: After the party was over of course… He was in the best hospital, he had the best doctors, who assured the Tams of Simon’s recovery. So they went home.

Book: So he was all alone there…

Mme Huan: Oh no. I stayed. (smiles) You don’t get out of one of my lessons that easily. He was stuck on a fairly simple Bach piece, took him all night to get it right.

River: (Whispers to Jayne again)

Jayne: Gorrammit girl, you’re a person. Two arms, two legs, and one crazy-ass head. You ain’t no ant!!!

Mme Huan: (Smiles at what she thinks is River’s game, then suddenly realizes, looks shocked..) River? Is that with a “U?”

River: (Teasing) Not with a me! With a Kaylee!

Mal: (Realizes. Looks out window. Bursts out door to garden)

Zoe: (To Wash) Looks like Simon doesn’t need your advice after all. -------------------------------------------------------

Mal: (Approaching Simon and Kaylee on bench -- Furious) Kaylee? You with child?

Simon: (Standing between Mal and Kaylee) How did you…?

Mal: (Interrupts) Your sis has quite the way of knowing things.

Simon: (Shakes head) This doesn’t concern you captain.

Mal: Wrong. It concerns the hell out of me. And you’re marrying this girl come sunup.

Simon: That’s not going to happen.

Mal: Like hell it ‘aint. (Draws pistol points at Simon) Give me one good reason why not.

Kaylee: (From off camera) ’Cause I already said “no.”

Mal: (confused) Kaylee?……Did you press advantage on Canton?

Simon: (Misunderstands - Horrified) What? No! Never!

Mal: Wasn’t talking to you Doc or I’d have shot you first. Kaylee? Answer me.

Kaylee; (sniffles nods)

Simon: (Confused) But it was just us on Canton. (Realizes)You… weren’t kidding. We…..

Kaylee: I tried to tell ya but...

Simon: …. But I freaked out (Sitting back down eyes closed) Captain? This wasn’t your concern before and it certainly isn’t now. Please go back inside.

Mal: You mean to say…

Simon: (Stands up, faces Mal) I just said what I meant to say. Go back inside. You can shout at me and shoot at me later. Right now I’ve got to talk with Kaylee….Mal? Please.

Mal: (Pissed-turns and goes)

Kaylee: Am I still alive?

Simon: Still feel like you’re dying?

Kaylee: (Nods)

Simon: Then you’re still alive.

------------------------------------------------------------------- Back inside Mal’s sitting at the corner of the dinner table with a drink. The others take their seats.

Jayne: So Doc bedded Kaylee?

Wash: There was no bed involved. That bar was a pit. I’m stunned he’d touch anything in there without boiling it first. Although that would take a bit of fun out of the whole reproductive process.

Jayne: But he don’t even remember? Hell, even I remember the last time Kaylee got some and I was on the other end of the ship. Girl makes a racket.

Wash: He musta been pretty drunk.

Mal: Clearly not drunk enough…

Mme. Huan: This isn’t a subject we should be discussing. It’s none of our business. We need to talk about something else.

(Everyone stares at her in disbelief)

Mme Huan: ( Shrugs) Can’t say I didn’t try…I hope it’s a boy, just like Simon.

River: Only happy, like Kaylee,

Mme Huan: (Agrees) Okay then, nothing like Simon. -------------------------------------------------------------- Kaylee: I’m sorry. I just wanted to show you. I just wanted you to see.

Simon: See what?

Kaylee: Me.

Simon: Of course I see you…I..I remember the first time I saw you. I’d parked River in a storage locker so I could find us a ship. And I’m there on the docks, and it’s hot, and dirty and it smells like…(trash)…. and there we people just, everywhere, all of them shouting. And feds, I kept seeing them, just standing around the docks. I was tired and scared, so I made a deal with the universe. I said if I could just get out of here, just get off Persephone, I promised to never want anything ever again. And that promise lasted for about 30 seconds, because there you were, you had this parasol….

Kaylee: (Smiling, joking) You wanted my parasol? Too bad, you can’t have it.

Simon: (Laughs) You had your hair up in these, these little knots, and you were so happy, just sitting there in the sun. And then I thought I must have said something out loud, ‘cause you looked right at me, and you smiled, like you were glad to see me, but we hadn’t even met.

Kaylee: I did?

Simon: You did. And suddenly everything was going to be okay. Because if someone like you could be that nice to someone like me, then the universe couldn’t be that bad, right? So I introduced myself and….well, here we are.

Kaylee: (Puzzled) Why didn’t you lie?

Simon: (Confused)

Kaylee: (Still puzzled) I was just remembering when you introduced yourself, you said your name was Simon Tam, and you were a doctor -- why didn’t you just get a fake ident? Might as well have worn a big “fugee” hat.

Simon: Ah yes, the first time I said something stupid around you, and sadly not the last…..I did have a fake ident. Lifted it from another doctor on Persephone Truth is, you said your name and I…. just forgot to lie.

Kaylee: Really? And the doctor bit?

Simon: (smiles) I use it to impress beautiful women. No, I was going to pass off River’s cryo as a medicine shipment in case anyone asked, but luckily you didn’t.

Kaylee: Nah, we only care about hazards, explosives and such. Crazy skinny girls are fine.

Simon: Oh I don’t know, she’s pretty hazardous, seems to run in the family.


Simon: Is that why you said no? When I asked you…before….

Kaylee: No, please don’t be mad, it’s not that. I just don’t want this (gestures to belly) to be the reason you asked. It was a prairie harpie thing to do and that ‘aint me. Girls at home pull those stunts to get a ring and that ain’t fair to anybody. I just wanted to be your girl, I just…..but it’s okay if you don’t want to..

Simon: Of course I want to, what kind of fool wouldn’t ….okay, don’t answer that. So can we revise the “no” to a “maybe?”

Kaylee: (smiles) Maybe..

Simon: (leans in) Can I kiss “my girl” goodnight?

Kaylee: Maybe…No! (Pushes Simon away)

Simon: (Swears in Chinese) What? What did I do?

Kaylee: (embarrassed) No, I mean, I really gotta brush my teeth. I’m still all…from before

Simon: (Confused) Oh. (Sees the puke) Oh! Yeah…okay……………


Back inside. All gathered around the table but Wash who is gawking out the window.

Wash: Oh my god he didn’t!

Inara: What? What didn’t he?

Wash: (laughing hysterically) He… he…. Patted her on the head!

River: Such a boob!



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