Clarity (Repost)
Monday, November 12, 2007

River adjustes to sanity and trys to help the crew after Miranda


Clarity. What comes natural to others is something I’ve only had fleeting glimpses of. Since Miranda, clarity is a new feeling for me. The cost was great. I’m ashamed that I enjoy it. I hide my feelings, the transformation was quick and welcomed but the crew… the crew that gave me my life back, they are injured…no not right…hurt. The crew is hurt by the cost. I feel their loss. They cannot know my joy.

Their pain fills my brain. Before Miranda I don’t think I could have handled it. I’ve been working to control the flow into my head. I didn’t understand it before; it was random, quick flashes that would invade me. It’s smooth now. I can read into them deeper now. Time it seems, plays apart in that, the familiarity that everyone feels is magnified in me. They have released me. I owe them a debt, so each night I reach out and invite their thoughts. It’s not much, but if I can make a special meal, take on an annoying chore, plot an efficient course, anything to ease their pain. Tonight feels dark. I don’t like it when it feels dark, but I do it anyway.

I start with Jayne. Most of the time an amusing joke, at Simon’s expense, over supper, is enough to brighten his day. There was the one time I wore a shorter skirt around the bay while he was restocking the mule. Inara quickly stepped in when she noticed Jayne’s glare. Jayne mentioned something about his bunk and left the bay. I told Inara I would be more careful in the future. My work was done. The dark feelings engulf me, jokes and short skirts won’t be enough. -------- Gorammit Shepherd why ya have to go and git yourself kilt. I missed ya when you left for Haven, but knowin you was there, always made me feel better. I know I gave ya a hard time bout your ways, when we would have our talks. I hope you know I was jus putting ya on. The way you would git all philosiful, when we was working out, made me feel… made me feel good, like I was equal to ya. Not just some dumb gun hand. I miss that. Things are tough now, hell it was always tough but now it’s different. Mal’s gone and done somethin stupid…. Aww it weren’t stupid, it was right… you’d a been proud. Don’t make things any easier though. Feels like there’s a big gun pointin right at us, just waiting fer someone to pull the trigger.

I move on, the darkness is still there but the load doesn’t feel as heavy as I move to Kaylee and Simon. ---------- They are together, thoughts of love, lust, and past regrets, drift between them. It’s nice to see Simon thinking of something other than me, and Kaylee, she is so Ewww that’s icky. Who thought of that? Never mind, I think they’ll be ok without my help for now.

It doesn’t take long for the black…what? Weird little girl get your thoughts straight. The darkness something about it, it’s not like it has been. The emotions don’t come across as color, do they? Maybe I’m tired.

Inara --------- The crew is suffering but he doesn’t pay any attention to it. He doesn’t pay any to me. He flies about without direction, what is he looking for? “You spin me about” I could take clients, help the ship. How could I do that to him? How long can we keep flying like this? How long would I wait. How can I help him?


Zoe sleeps. She hasn’t cried since Wash expired. Expired? What’s wrong? It has to be the blackness. These black thoughts are confusing me. She hasn’t cried since Wash died. It’s not her way. She has seen death, known loss. The tears she refuses to shed give her strength. She dreams of Wash, I tag along.

Their on the Bridge. --------- “Sure Sugar Bottom, as soon as we get on the ground.”

“Sugar Bottom?”

“Crumb bum? Cushy Tushy?”

“Honey if you offend me with your silly nicknames for my derriere, you might find yours spending more time in that seat than in our bed.”

“Bed? My mistake dear, I’ll try to fight the urge.No promises, but I’ll try. ‘

“See that you do.”

“Seriously Hon, have you thought about what I said last week?

“Wash, you know I have.”

“I think you have me confused with the little mind reading girl we’re flying around which doesn’t say much for my manly physic.Let me rephrase the question. What do you think about it?”

“I don’t think now is the time to leave. The Captain needs us.”

I don’t care about the Captain! I understand your bond to him I really do. I know in the past it has caused us problems but that’s behind us now. You say your ready to start a family and so am I, but not on this ship.”

“Now you’re ordering me around?”

“No, I mean yes, yes I am. I can pilot another ship, a cruise liner maybe, or a postal transport, no, no, wait nothing Alliance, a fertilizer scowl. Yeah that’s it.”

“A crap hauler? My man certainly has ambition.”

“You know what I mean Zoe, something safe, safe for our little ones.”

“Ok Wash, one more month, then we will leave. I have to go prep the mule.”

In her dream she walks out, but her thoughts are still watching what happens next. The Captain is with Wash. There a loud noise and an alarm.

“What was that? Did you see that?”

“Was that the primary buffer panel?”

“It did seem to resemble…”

I leave her dream. She hasn’t cried since Wash died. Not while she was awake. The tears run down her face while she sleeps, they run down mine too.

Their dead because of you! What? No, no wait… I didn’t make them. Stop. Clarity It’s the Blackness. I should stop. I can’t help them. I can’t.

My head aches one to go.

One more visit, at first my favorite, now… I wonder if the blackness is his doing. It still here as I enter. ---------- You’ve had it worse than this, plenty worse. Calhoun Pass, Quisan Mesa, Serenity Valley, back to the wall, hung out. Why does this feel so different? Because I knew what I was fighting then, now I’m not so sure. I feel the fences, there closing in around me. I don’t cotton to that, but I can’t see em, I can’t cut em. I expected…hell what did I expect? Not this for sure. No ones after us, not to shake our hands or bound em. Mr. Universe, the Hero of Miranda they called him. No mention of us, which suits me fine. Miranda caused quite a stir. Investigations, protests, riots, the trials will go on for years. Not that justice will be served, only a few well past their prime officials, taking the fall, just enough to satisfy the wolves. Most all our friendly hidey holes were shut off by the Operative. Good people… gone, for what? Some 89 year old Parliament wind bag might see the gallows by the time he’s 95.

Jobs are hard to come by. Some people have an issues working with us, seeing as near everyone that did in the past is dead now. We’re taking risks, and not the type we’re used to. The Alliance is playing at something. We were cornered on Whitefall, Patience on one side Alliance on the other. No where to run, we picked the Alliance, figuring they would at least lock us up and feed us good before shooting. They kicked us loose, barely glanced at our papers. They had us tagged for two illegal salvages before Miranda, nothing. You’re free to go.

Can’t get clear of it, if I don’t know what it is. So I guess it time to rattle so….

There is something else here! The blackness isn’t the crews. It not on the ship it’s…I know this? Oh God please….not again I’m getting better. Go Away. Leave me alone. God NOOOOOOOOO!


The genetic enhancement research ship Triaxus slowed. It was standard procedure before a shuttle launch.

The technician informed the Doctor they were clear to launch and exited the bay.

“You know Doctor, I disagree with this. You’re risking a promising resource here.” The Commander said.

“I do understand that Commander Lewis, but Parliament agrees with me. Agents and Operatives have shaken the foundations of our government. As long as the girl is out there we are at risk. Too many people know of her existence already, your covert operations against her were a failure.” The Doctor rechecked the displayed and continued. “River Tam may have been our most promising subject, but she was not our only success. Terrance Black was at the Academy with Tam. They trained together; there is a familiarity he can use. He will not fail.”

The doctor pushes the safety release and a small shuttle shoots into the black.


Wednesday, July 30, 2008 6:11 AM


Hmmmm... Going to read the next part.


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