The Crying Game by piratenews

REAL WORLD EVENT DISCUSSIONS

The Crying Game

POSTED BY: PIRATENEWS
UPDATED: Thursday, July 23, 2009 08:23
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Thursday, July 23, 2009 5:51 AM

John Lee, conspiracy therapist at Hollywood award-winner History Channel-mocked SNL-spoofed PirateNew.org wooHOO!!!!!!

What to do when you see a woman cry:

First, try to find out whose woman she is. When this woman is somebody else's, it will be unsafe to try to comfort her. If she's is nobody's woman, get her for yourself.

Now, if she continues to cry, it would be quite clear that she is crying from happiness.

When a crying woman is yours, do not leave her alone, because then people all around may think that she's nobody's woman and then - see 1. Be attentive to her and as close as possible in the circumstances, which means that you shouldn't get away farther than the distance where her voice will not be heard. Do not lose the sight of her (see 1.). Use binoculars if necessary.

Questions you cannot ask a women in tears: a) What do you want? b) Who is to blame? and c) What can I do? The answer to the first question could be painful to your purse, while the answer to the second and third - to your pride.
You don't have to flee in response to woman's tears. You don't need to save anyone. You shouldn't punish anyone. Because it will eventually appear that you should have done the opposite of saving and/or punishing.

It is a fallacy to bring gifts to a crying woman. Better hand her a packet of tissues. Remember, gifts should be given only to a happy woman. It develops a useful conditioned reflex and pleasant behavior.

If you followed rules 1-5 and the woman continues to cry, but stays with you and doesn't go to somebody else, then she really needs to be comforted by you. Show her your sad and concerned face. To do this you may have to put aside your binoculars and to come closer.

You do not have to listen to what the crying woman says. The thing to do is to sigh deeply during a pause and to hold her tenderly between the pauses.

To really ace it, let a tear slide down your unshaven cheek. At this point the woman normally forgets about her own troubles, is frightened and starts to comfort you.

Addendum: When a man cries: memo for a woman.

Try to be tactful. Pretend, at least for a while, that you didn't notice the restrained sobbing of the male.

If the sobbing is not restrained - pat the man on the shoulder with the words "Well, well..."

If the man continued to cry, check his diapers and give him your breast.

The author of this handy manual is unknown, the text, as it came to my attention via e-mail, was in Russian, so it's Google and I to blame...

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Thursday, July 23, 2009 8:23 AM

FREMDFIRMA

That's actually quite amusing, PN.

I'll add one more caveat to interpersonal relationships, just for kicks.

Never, ever, EVER, under any circumstances what-so-ever, try to reason or argue with an angry girl.

It just ain't possible, isn't gonna work, and just provokes her.

Best bet is to go AWAY after doing whatever possible to mitigate what set her off, and wait till she comes to YOU, after she cools off enough to discuss it rationally, bonus points if you do something immediately useful like the dishes, cause that'll mitigate the natural inclination guys have to charge into the breach and resolve things - women as a general rule don't WORK like that, she's gonna need to vent for a while, and to not let her do it is a damn fool thing cause it just feeds the flames.

Actually really funny note to this, is watching the replacement boyfriend set my ex off, and then body-checking his attempts to go reason with her while explaining this, and her overhearing THAT conversation sending her in short order from cussing rage to laughing her ass off.

Moral of the story, don't try reasoning with angry girlfriends.

-F

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