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The Aftermath

It was 4:00 am - ship time. Mal stood at the entrance to the bridge for a long time watching Zoe. She was standing still, too still, looking out at the black holding a toy dinosaur in her hand.

"Zoe" he said softly.

She turned and he could see the tears running down her face. All the years and all the bad things that had happened to them, Mal had never seen Zoe cry. He had a suspicion that she hadn’t meant for him to see this time either.

"You OK?" Even as the words left his mouth, Mal knew that was a stupid question. It had only been a week since they left the place where…Of course she wasn't OK.

Zoe tried to speak and couldn’t. Eventually she just shook her head.

He went to her then and held her. The tears streaming down her face became a flood and she was racked with sobs. Mal couldn’t think of anything to say that could possibly help so he just held her until she was all cried out.

"Mal, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to cry all over you."

"No call to apologize. It hurts to lose someone. And it seems to me that you've been there for me a time or two when I was feeling much the same."

"I don’t know how to go on without him, Mal. He was my life. If it wasn't for…I know you didn’t approve of our marriage, but it was all the universe to me. He brought back joy and laughter and love and all those things the war destroyed. I used to think about us growing old together surrounded by grandchildren. Now all that's left are.." she gestured helplessly with the tyrannosaurus.

"Zoe, I long since got over my mad about the marriage. Maybe I didn’t remember to mention that." He took the dinosaur out of her hand and gently placed it back in it's proper place on the console. "There's a lot more left than just the dinosaurs, Zoe. Hell, we'd none of us be alive if it wasn't for his skill. And there's the memories of who he was and how he made life on board Serenity a little better for all of us. Ain't nothin' can take those away from you or me or any of the rest of the crew. And he taught me a lot about flying this boat. Could be that someday in the future he'll be saving our lives again."

"Mal, how many times can I lose everything and still go on? Alliance killed my family, so I joined the fight against them. But I shut down my feelings for the duration. Then we lost the war and all I had left was my loyalty to you. Then Wash came along and I was able to live again. I dared to dream of the future. Now it's all gone to ashes. I don’t think I can get up and try again, Mal."

"Course you can Zoe. You're the strongest person I know."

"No Mal, not anymore. I just can’t do it anymore. I can't. And I have to and I just …" Zoe started crying again.

Mal and Zoe stood there a long time while the pain just poured out of her. Not just the pain of Wash's death, but all those other hurts she'd locked up inside in order to function. Mal didn’t say anything, just listened and held on to her for dear life. She sounded suicidal and he hoped he was doing the right thing to keep that at bay. He'd check with Simon later to make sure she was cared for proper.

Must have been a couple of hours they stood there. Night on the ship turned into day and River came up to take a shift flying Serenity. She looked at Mal, puzzled.

"She should be happy. It's a happy thing, isn’t it?" He stared at her. River had a way of saying things that only made sense later and Mal wondered what she meant this time. Or had she just lost track of what had happened. It was so hard to tell with River sometimes.

"Be best you leave us be right now, River." Mal jerked his head to indicate she should leave. There wasn't nothing that needed to be done so badly that Zoe needed to be disturbed just now.

"Two of them. Kaylee will be so excited." With that cryptic message she turned and danced her way down the passageway. Zoe lifted her head and looked steadily at Mal.

"Hey don’t ask me, I ain't got no earthly idea what she means," Mal protested.

"I do." Zoe spoke so softly Mal almost missed it. She moved away from him and turned to the windows. "I hope there's an afterlife, Mal."

"Zoe, I'm not the best person to be discussing that with." Mal was uncomfortable with the religious nature of the topic. He took a deep breath. "Maybe Inara would be a better…"

"I'm not trying to convert you Mal. It's just that, if there is an afterlife, then he knows. I didn’t get the chance to tell him before…"

"Tell him what? That you love him? He knew that. I'm as sure of that as I am of anything."

"That I'm pregnant."

Mal's whole universe suddenly went sideways. Zoe pregnant was one thing he hadn’t ever considered. Not once.

"He didn’t want me to get pregnant. Said the time wasn't right; that things were too dangerous. But I wanted a baby so badly I just went ahead and did it. After, I was afraid to tell him. Or you for that matter. I was afraid he might leave or insist on an abortion. And I didn’t want to have a fight with you either. So I waited and then it was too late. You think he knows, Mal? Somewhere out there." Zoe waved an arm vaguely at the black. "You think he knows?"

Mal came up behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. "River is the one who reads minds, maybe she can tell you if his mind is still out there. But I won’t argue the point if it gives you comfort." Mal hesitated a beat. "She said two, does that mean you're having twins?"

"I don’t think so. But I suppose it could be. Or maybe she means I'm not the only one pregnant. She did mention Kaylee."

Mal knew that if Zoe weren't so vulnerable right now he'd be having a fit about the pregnancy. Last thing he needed was his right hand pregnant - who the hell would be at his back? Jayne? That was a laugh. And Kaylee - that girl had no business pregnant.

"Zoe, he was right. This is a gorram dangerous place to be raising a child. But I sure as hell ain't gonna ask you to get rid of it, not when…We got to find someplace safe for you to go. And Kaylee too if she's also.."

"I'm not leaving Serenity Mal. Just get that idea right out of your head."

"Zoe, I just want what's best for you and your child. That ain't here. It ain't safe enough for a baby."

"Then make it safer here, Mal. I ain't leaving. This is where Wash lived and died and I ain't ever leaving Serenity. My daughter will grow up on the ship that her daddy loved almost as much as he loved me."

Mal had been defeated enough in his life to know when he'd lost an argument. "Ok Zoe. But it means going legit and that means hauling Alliance goods. I doubt River and Simon will stay in that case and if Kaylee is pregnant, she'll go with them. And Jayne , well I can’t imagine he'll stay either. It's not his kind of work, is it?"

"We can hire a new crew, but are you OK with hauling Alliance goods?"

"Not really, but it don’t look like I got a real say in the matter."

"Mal…" Zoe broke off, not sure of what to say.

"Honestly Zoe. I'll be fine once I get used to the idea. It's what you need and God knows, you've done what I needed on more occasions than I can count. I owe you this. You and Wash both."

"Thank you. Mal." She kissed him on the forehead and left. Mal stared out at the black. River slipped back in and put an arm around him.

"None of the rest of us will leave either, Captain. Not even Jayne."

"Know that for a fact do you?" Mal ruffled her hair.

"I do. I read minds you know."

Mal laughed. "I do at that. Just don’t be mentioning to Zoe what exactly's going through my mind right now. Deal?"

"Deal."