She would never tell anyone what she felt.

They came at night, starting just as the ship was quieting down. Feelings that her body was humming, a pitch to high to hear, shaking from her core to her fingertips. She couldn't describe it without sounding like a fool. The doc would pump her full of meds while River told her it would be ok. She couldn't say a thing. Walking the ship at night let her feel as though she was doing something productive with this. The humming was the most distracting. She could sometimes ignore the rest.

Ahh the rest. The over-active imagination part. She had never had one as a child, and still believed that. But what other answer was there. The feeling of a black cloud engulfing her. Her aura turned black as a demon, wrapping around her. This wasn't real. But she could taste the bile at the back of her throat everytime. The taste wouldn't leave, and water was no help. The humming distracted her, she couldn't be still, but this...presence drove her to her bunk. Like a small child hiding under the covers from the monsters under the bed. Curl up tight and think of better days, holding Wash's pillow tight to her body, she could still get a slight scent of him off it. Like an armor it helped, but only so much. Some nights it let her fall into a restless sleep, but other times it brought out a deep sadness that overwhelmed her.

She never knew what it was - something trying to get in, or something trying to get out. How do you protect yourself from an attack you can't see? How do you protect yourself from yourself? Sometimes as she paced through the ship moments of clarity would come to her, clarity which would not be considered so at any other time. The clarity would simply explain that it was a presence punishing her, and that she deserved it. If she could outlast it, she would be freed of it, and given peace. Other nights it would tell her that this was something being done to her, and she simply had to find out who it was. On bad nights, it would slip into her mind that this was just a message, and fighting it was what was making it hurt. The message was that she should no longer be there. Wash was waiting. What more did it have to do to show her she would be better off not being alive? These thoughts were quick, subtle. Just ideas at the back of her mind, coming to her during the day, making her shake her head at such foolishness. But, they still sent chills down her spine.

Lately she started to feel cold all the time. Food was a distraction, only when Mal came looking for her did she sit for the meal. She worried that it would begin to affect her during the day. In the light she would look for shadows out of the corners of her eyes. Maybe it was a real thing that came and grabbed hold of her. If she could only keep a constant vigilance, she could stop it.

Mal caught her staring off a few times, and at meal time she only picking at her food, if she even showed up. The others noticed her becoming distant and losing weight. But was Zoe still one to be gentle with? They just didn't know if it was still mourning. It had been 6 months. Was that long enough? She had been strong right after, but perhaps she had only put it off. Was this the result of that?

Mal decided to give her a little more time then he was going to put his foot down. There was only room for one crazy on this boat and that position was already filled. He needed his right hand, his back up. He needed Zoe. A few more days of mopping and then he was going to drag her right to Simon, and something would be done. Feeling satisfied with his decision making he walked to her bunk to have a talk with her.

Zoe was just closing the hatch of her bunk. It was time to pace, the humming was strong tonight, she couldn't keep her hands from shaking hard.

Mal was coming down the stairs, seeing her closing the hatch. Perfect, he could catch her here and get this done quick.

Then everything happened too fast.

Simon and Kaylee popped out of her bunk. River came running from the opposite way, with Jayne in swift pursuit. River slammed on the breaks just in front of Zoe. Jayne moving too fast to break as quickly, bumped into River making her stumble into Zoe. As soon as she touched her, River started to scream and tried to scramble backwards. Blocked by Jayne, she pushed back into him screaming and screaming. But Jayne didn't move, he was staring at Zoe, so was everyone else.

Zoe had stumbled as well and had backed almost to Simon and Kaylee. With her back to the wall she looked at River's terrified face, then up to Jayne's gaping one. Turning, she saw that Simon and Kaylee had backed up a step. Fear was in Kaylee's eyes, Simon stunned. Then she saw Mal, a look she had not seen before was on his face. Not one of them were looking at her face, all were staring just above her head.

"What?"