Simon

Simon stood at the infirmary counter, rifling through his doctor’s bag. Once Mal had realized that Simon was willing to act as the ship’s doctor in return for passage, he made sure that Simon had the things he needed to keep everyone in one piece. Simon had come to the grudging realization that Mal was a man who kept his word, and who cared for his crew with all the soul in him. Simon absently wondered when he would count as part of that crew, or if he even wanted to. He pushed the thought away as his fingers finally found the two vials he had been looking for. Simon heard Book and Hunter talking quietly in the background as he stared at the vials in his hands. He gently clenched his fist around them as an image of the Academy flashed through his mind, all ashes and dust. He thought of River, dancing through the rooms of his family’s mansion, correcting his spelling and checking his homework. He thought of how excited she had been to go to the Academy, to learn, to dance, to grow, to be.

To die, Simon thought harshly. To disappear like vapor on the wind. Blown away like a leaf on the wind by the Alliance. He thought of the greyback behind him, being hooked to monitors and machines and everything else Book could think of. Simon opened his hand and looked at the vials, both filled with a pale blue liquid.

Simon shook himself out of the reverie, feeling Book’s eyes on his back. Draining one of the vials into a syringe, he walked over to the bed. “Ready?”

Hunter nodded, as did Book. “Ready.”

Simon smiled reassuringly. “Good.” Swabbing her elbow, he emptied the needle into her vein, his eyes on the monitor above her head. He watched the display as the various numbers slowed and went down. He could hear Hunter’s breathing slow as her body relaxed.

Within a minute, her heart had stopped completely.

***

Hours later

Simon sat in the dark infirmary, resting his head against the wall. His shoulders ached, his hands ached, his back ached, and his head was pounding. Still, he felt the same strange exhilaration that he felt after each successful surgery, and his senses seemed hyper-alert. Hunter lay on the gurney in front of him, resting quietly under heavy sedation. A large patch of gauze was taped to the back of her neck, protecting fresh abrasions. Simon had never seen anything like it – he had been expecting perhaps 50 filaments spread across the back of the collar. Instead, there had been a concentration of what seemed like hundreds. Simon had lost count after the first several dozen. He and Book had worked as quickly as possible, breaking each in turn and watching the monitors like hawks, adjusting the catalyst as necessary. Book had found the right one within moments, but when Simon had opened his mouth to ask him about it, Book cut him off with a simple “Don’t ask, son.”

Once the collar had come off, Jayne had smashed any electronic parts he could find and sent the tiny wreckage out the airlock. They had then changed their trajectory slightly to compensate and turned on a full burn to Borealis. Mal had come into the infirmary to check on things and to make sure that Hunter was still sedated and doing well. He had spoken briefly to Book and Simon, then had headed gratefully off to bed. Soon after, Book had done the same, and Simon had opted to stay and keep watch on Hunter.

About an hour after Mal had gone, Kaylee had wandered in with a pair of blankets and some pillows. She had watched Hunter with Simon for a few moments, then arranged the blankets on the floor, pulling Simon down with her and resting her head in his lap. She had fallen asleep soon after, leaving Simon alone with the silent infirmary.

Too keyed up to sleep, Simon shifted slightly, being careful not to wake Kaylee. Reaching into his medical bag, he extracted a packet of papers bound together with string. Pulling off the string with a practiced hand, he flipped with one hand through the papers, his other hand resting on Kaylee’s side. He ran his fingers over the familiar words. River’s words. Although he almost knew the words by heart, he read through her letters again. He smiled, hearing her voice in his head as she spoke of the school, the teachers, everything that she could think of. He flipped through the pages toward her later letters. Although the light-hearted banter and questions were still there, these letters also contained notations and scribbles in the margins. These were in Simon’s handwriting. He flipped through to the last letter to see his own handwriting staring back at him from the bottom of the last page.

They’re hurting us. Get me out.

He had tried. Tried, and failed. Simon let his head fall back to the wall with a quiet thump and fought back the tears that always seemed to come. He had tried so hard, lost so much… he looked down at his lap, at Kaylee’s peaceful features. He smoothed her hair from her face and tried to convince himself again that he had gained more than he lost. He wasn’t sure. He loved Kaylee. He knew he did, but was so frightened of telling her for fear of what would happen. Simon knew in his heart that he wasn’t ready to say anything – there was still so much left undone. He wanted to be able to give his whole heart and soul, to be complete, and he wasn’t. A part of him still rested in the ashes of the Academy, sitting on the hillside and wondering where he had gone wrong. Until that piece returned, he had to protect Kaylee. He had to keep her from knowing how much was missing.

Simon had told Kaylee what had happened fairly early into their relationship. He had needed to talk, but still knew enough to keep it abbreviated. She, in turn, had been his advocate and go-between with Mal. The fact that he had saved her life had softened Mal a bit, but once it came out that the fed had been looking for Simon, Mal had realized that had it not been for the good doctor, his mechanic wouldn’t have been shot in the first place. Simon’s first good act on board Serenity had therefore been cancelled out, and it had been a less than stellar beginning to their relationship. In the ensuing months, however, Simon was learning to keep his mouth shut and his transfusers ready. He felt that there was really no other option for him. He was drifting aimlessly and he knew it. And he knew that Kaylee was the only thing anchoring him. He stroked her hair again, planting a soft kiss on her forehead. She smiled in her sleep, and Simon smiled back. He would be lost without her. She had been right. Serenity was the place, if any place, that he was supposed to be.

Folding the letters in one hand, he gently worked the string back around them and tucked them into his breast pocket. He leaned back and closed his eyes for the first time in hours, allowing Kaylee’s warm presence to lull him to sleep.

Simon had only meant to close his eyes for a moment, but when he opened them next, hours had passed. The first thing he noticed was that the lights were coming on, and he could hear movement as the ship awoke. The second thing he noticed was the pair of grey-green eyes regarding him intently. He opened his mouth to say something, but Hunter spoke first. Her voice was hoarse from the surgery and dehydration.

“-ars.” She cleared her throat and tried again, not taking her eyes from his. “Marzipan.”

Simon blinked. “Excuse me?”

Her eyebrows knitted as she tried again. “Marzipan. Frosted… marzipan. What a bad party that would have been.”

Simon stared at her, then at the monitors. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. By the time he turned back to ask what she meant, the greyback had fallen back into a deep sleep.