REAL WORLD EVENT DISCUSSIONS

Interesting Turn of Events (My Life in a Nutshell)

POSTED BY: TETHYS
UPDATED: Tuesday, December 14, 2004 03:54
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Friday, December 3, 2004 2:04 PM

TETHYS


I have absolutely NO idea what prompted me to start this post. I typically don't share certain things about myself to ANYONE; drives my wife nuts...lol.
I seem to have the urge to tell someone, anyone about some things that have gone on and are seeming to turn around in my life, which I'm not sure what exactly to feel about it. Anyway, here it goes. Be warned..lol.
My "biological" parents had me a few years into their marriage, and I guess that there were tensions between them due to something. I'm pretty sure that a lot of it was caused by my grandmother that never liked my Pops, nor liked the fact that he was Army, and was stationed in Korea for a time. She made my grandfather *not* re-enlist in the Army when his time was up.
To make a long story short, they divorced when I was three. My Pops re-married a couple years later, as did my mom. When I was six, my Pops had a daughter, Julie, my little sister. My mother never had any more kids. I saw very little of them growing up, mostly due to my pops being army (he retired in 1998). I saw my sister about once a year until 1996, when I enlisted.
Last year, I had my car window shot out by a bunch of punks with a slingshot. I called a few places to get a repair estimate, and one of them was good friends with my paternal grandfather (who name I unfortunately share). He ended up calling me back with info on my family, of which I, at that point, had no clue about, since it had been years with no word on them.
I called my pops, who was very surprised to hear form me! My sister was very ecstatic as well. We lost touch again after my marathon move last year, a total of 1200 miles!!
We got back in touch last week, and it's now kind of strange. My pops re-married..again, adn my sister is now 19 years old living with a craddle-robber. Her boyfriend's my age, and they've been dating for 6 years!
Not really sure how to take everything. I love my sister very much, but life has pulled it's tricks on the both of us. Not used to being a full-time son and brother for them. And my wife is acting funky, since she actually grew up with her brothers and sisters, she's telling me not to worry about things, and stop griping about my sister's boyfriend. When all I wanna do is strangle to statutory-raping, contributing to the MAJOR deliquincy of a minor loser-ass..........

Anyway, just had to share for some reason, and what better folks than my fellow Browncoats!

"Your mouth is talking. Might wanna see to that"


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Thursday, December 9, 2004 7:10 AM

GHOULMAN


I agree. That fellow needs to have a little "meeting" with you, me, and my friend Mr. Pointy.

Your wife is an "enabler" and should be told that people who care about people don't go around approving relationhips that are harmful.

This guy maybe kind to your sister, and so that may save him a broken arm, but someone my age (I'm 37) shouldn't live with someone so young simply because someone that young needs to live the life of someone that young! Going to school or beginning a career or traveling... not careing for some old bastard like me who is constantly liquired up and rude.

Having said that, last week-end I had NO IDEA that girl was... anyho', said too much. But I wouldn't date her! that would be wrong and impossing a lifestyle onto a person who needs to go out and discover a life style for themselves.

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Thursday, December 9, 2004 11:16 AM

CYBERSNARK


Give him the "special Hell" speech.

-----
We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient.

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Thursday, December 9, 2004 5:30 PM

RUE

I have a vote and I'm not afraid to use it!


I thought about your post for a long, long time.

There are your personal issues: here you are, not having had a father, or sister, suddenly up to your armpits in their family issues. I could see it would be confusing - what is your role? Who are you to them, anyway? And who are they to you?

OTOH, you seem more than ready to be a brother. You are not 'trying' to be one - you are THERE. Involved and agonized over someone's well-being who you've barely met, b/c she's you sister gorram it!

I'm glad you got the replies you did from Ghoulman and Cybersnark. Your sister, well she's young, impressionable, and sounds like she got not too much good direction from her ol' dad. But the guy, now, he's someone you could, well, 'manage'.

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Friday, December 10, 2004 2:41 AM

GEEZER

Keep the Shiny side up


Your first reaction to your sister's situation, i.e. go upside the cradle-robber's head, is pretty natural. But...

You didn't say anything about how he treats her, or how she feels about him. By now they're both of legal age, and your concern should be for your sister's current situation, not something that may or may not have happened in the past. If he's being good to her now, and she's happy with him, be happy for her. Just because you may not like the guy doesn't mean she shouldn't.

On the other hand, if he's being abusive at all, you should probably have that "talk" with him. I understand that a bar of soap in a sock enables this type of communication quite effectively.

"Keep the Shiny side up"

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Friday, December 10, 2004 3:37 AM

CONNORFLYNN


A paper bag of Oranges does the job nicely too!


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Friday, December 10, 2004 2:05 PM

MALICIOUS


Why haven't you told ME any of this? I can have a "talk" with this "gentleman" and that will be that, no more worries for you!

However, little sis may just have a mind of her own. I know I did when I was 19. My parents just had me, they didn't raise me. They were too busy drinking at the bar they owned and then fighting with each other. Then the beatings, but that's for another day. She needs to realize he's too old for her on her own. And she will. It may not be when you want her to, but she will. Right now, she probably needs a father figure, of sorts.

Mal-licious

Co-Holder of the Red Bell from Hell

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Friday, December 10, 2004 3:23 PM

BRITCHICK


My daughter lived with an older man when she was 19, and he was a complete d*ckhead. Please be careful when dealing with this situation. You may do more harm than good.

Your feelings about your sister's boyfriend are perfectly understandable. However, it is up to her who she sees - and if you let her know how you feel you will (whether you mean to or not) be trying to force her to choose between you.

My husband and I could not stand my daughter's boyfriend, but we respected her choice and made sure we did not try to persuade her to dump him. She was very much "in love" with him, and we wanted to make sure we didn't alienate her.

Her brother, however, could not do this. He told her how useless her boyfriend was, how he was wrong for her and so on. In the end, my son ended up saying something really really stupid. He told her that if she continue to see this guy, she couldn't see him (her brother) anymore. Guess who the lovestruck daughter chose? Yep, her boyfriend.

We made sure we watched out for our daughter, that she wasn't being abused or anything. She was very much in love and was quite happy. Then they decided to have a baby, and I really put away any hopes that she would "come to her senses". We continued to be supportive and loving.

Then they started talking about getting married. By now she was 22. They couldn't afford it, so they delayed by a year, and then when it came time to start planning I could see that my daughter was just not as... happy.. as a bride-to-be should be. At one point she picked up on something that I said - I forget exactly what - and reacted in a very strange way. I thought about what could make her react that way, and I realised that I must have said something which had resonated with some doubts she was having.

I spoke to her and explained that I had been surprised by her reaction, had thought about why she might react like that, and wondered if something I had said had struck a chord with her, and we talked about it. I reassured her that whatever she wanted to do was fine with us, and that whatever she decided, we would be there to support her.

A few weeks later she rang to tell us that she was leaving her boyfriend.

Of course my immediate reaction was to dance around the room shouting "woo hoo, thank goodness for that", but she didn't need that - and besides, I knew there was a chance that they might get back together again. So again we reassured her that whatever she did, whatever happened, we would be there for her. If they split that was fine; if she later changed her mind that would also be fine with us, and she should do whatever she felt was right.

The split was awful, and he was an incredible a**hole. Honestly, I could have killed him. But I kept my cool, we supported our daughter in everyway we could... and months later, when we knew they weren't going to get back together and she had had time to come to terms with the split, we started gradually to let her know how relieved we were.

I believe very strongly that we handled this in the right way, letting her decide. If our idiot son had not been so stupid, she would have come to the conclusion that her boyfriend was a useless idiot much sooner.... but she had been forced to choose, and love loves a bit of adversity. Because our son had gone on and on about the boyfriend, instead of seeing the faults she simply defended him and fell more "in love" with him.

The rift between my daughter and my son is still not healed.

Your sister needs you to be there for her, to look out for her, and to pick up the pieces if and when she decides to leave this guy.

If she doesn't leave the guy, and you have gone down the route of making your feelings plain, how is that going to work out? Family gatherings won't be too much fun, will they? She's not going to change her mind about her partner, just because you don't like him. The fact that she hasn't seen you for years will probably result in a "What the hell gives YOU the right to tell me how to live" response.

Sorry to have gone on a bit,I guess I just don't want you to end up alienating your sister like my son did.

Hazel


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Friday, December 10, 2004 4:44 PM

MALICIOUS


Tethys!! Listen to Britchick for she knows of what she speaks! An extremely wise woman and I would like to hire her to give retroactive parenting lessons to my mother!

Mal-licious

Co-Holder of the Red Bell from Hell

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Friday, December 10, 2004 7:56 PM

UNICORN


I read most of the other replies to your post. (Sorry, Hazel, I didn't have time to read the extra long one you posted...)

Most of the replies seem to come from guys with messages like, 'Yeah, go for his kneecaps,' but I think that's a really bad idea.

It seems to me that you don't know this guy your sister is with. It also seems to me that you haven't made a huge effort in the past to be a part of her life (just from what you posted). As a female, if I were your sister, age nineteen, blinded (or not) by love, I'd probably feel like, "How dare you swoop in and out of my life whenever you feel like it and then tell me how I should live it? Screw you!" After all, it is her life, and no matter how much she is your sister, you don't own her.

I think you should try to get to know this guy. Reserve judgment. Yes, he should have kept his paws off at least until a couple of years ago, but she's of age now and there are rare cases where a relationship like this really is based on love, the real kind. My uncle, seven years older than my aunt, started dating her while she was in high school. They've been married forever.

Work under the principle of 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,' not because it's any of your business, but because you care about your sister and you want to make sure he's good to her. You might, grudgingly, like the guy.


There is no such thing as a weed.

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Friday, December 10, 2004 8:53 PM

RUE

I have a vote and I'm not afraid to use it!


Having read the other posts, I've changed my mind, somewhat. The supportive approach is in general probably better. But, through one of my medical-job incarnations, I can say that horrific things happen right under people's noses. Things happen like infants with rectal VD, kids that disappear from the neighborhood only to be found as skeletons years later (oh I thought he went to live with his cousin), women beaten for years and no one knew. If you are very sure the guy is merely a creep, the low-key approach is better. If there is danger, then move heaven and earth to get your sister safe.

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Saturday, December 11, 2004 8:49 AM

GHOULMAN


Quote:

Originally posted by britchick:
My daughter lived with an older man when she was 19, and he was a complete d*ckhead. Please be careful when dealing with this situation. You may do more harm than good.
... SNIP! ...

Hazel

*sniff*, that was a beautiful post. I think we can all thank you for that, I hope everyone reads it.

Unicorn mentioned how we men will just go out and "cap" fellows like that. Typical male reaction, true. And Hazel is completely correct that an advesarial attack on the relationaship might just drive th young girl to "dig in", defending even an obviously destructive paring.

However...

I want to point out, to the few women who might not get this, a scary fact about men dating young girls half thier age - there are men out there who purposely prey upon young girls, playing on thier vulnerable youth, desire for a father figure, and inexperience, to sucker them into a relationship that quickly slips into intimidation, emotional blackmail, and fear. These men will never admite to it, they live in a world of thier own creation and will use every childish cruelty known to sucker some poor girl into what amounts to a life of slavery as an uneducated, trapped, house bitch.

After a few years of doing some bastards laundry the girls ability to survive in the outside world has lessened as she grew older without gaining any experience other than feeding some bastard day in and day out who thinks that's what women are for. As the years go by her ability to leave the relationship will get to the point she couldn't possibly leave without serious help from family and friends... assuming the bastard hasn't destroyed the girls connections to friends and family, that's often the thing such bastrds destroy, if they can. Anything to trap the girl and "keep her".

The scary ones will insist they love her. Many lie openly about it.

The most horrific thing about this is how accepted this behaviour is in our society. A gross acceptance of the lower class status of women whos' role in society is defined by the man, though even the most intellegent women may not see this even when it's happening to someone they love.

I guess my point is that if a girl becomes envloped by a powerful male personality, as an older man can often be, only a larger personality can combat that. That's where the beating comes in, because there is no better cure for a giant, cruel, ego than a broken arm, a burst knee-cap, and a lesson about who really loves that girl.

Thanx again Hazel.

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Saturday, December 11, 2004 9:10 AM

TETHYS


Quote:

Originally posted by Geezer:
Your first reaction to your sister's situation, i.e. go upside the cradle-robber's head, is pretty natural. But...

You didn't say anything about how he treats her, or how she feels about him. By now they're both of legal age, and your concern should be for your sister's current situation, not something that may or may not have happened in the past. If he's being good to her now, and she's happy with him, be happy for her. Just because you may not like the guy doesn't mean she shouldn't.

On the other hand, if he's being abusive at all, you should probably have that "talk" with him. I understand that a bar of soap in a sock enables this type of communication quite effectively.

"Keep the Shiny side up"




she's running into the young-old conflict that hits us all when in that kind of relationship, thinking about younger guys, and living like a teenager. As to how he treats her: think of a piece of jewelry. it's very nice to look at, but useless otherwise. He didn't even understand why she wants to spend a few weeks with me.

"Your mouth is talking. Might wanna see to that"

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Saturday, December 11, 2004 10:11 AM

TETHYS


Quote:

Originally posted by Unicorn:
I read most of the other replies to your post. (Sorry, Hazel, I didn't have time to read the extra long one you posted...)

Most of the replies seem to come from guys with messages like, 'Yeah, go for his kneecaps,' but I think that's a really bad idea.

It seems to me that you don't know this guy your sister is with. It also seems to me that you haven't made a huge effort in the past to be a part of her life (just from what you posted). As a female, if I were your sister, age nineteen, blinded (or not) by love, I'd probably feel like, "How dare you swoop in and out of my life whenever you feel like it and then tell me how I should live it? Screw you!" After all, it is her life, and no matter how much she is your sister, you don't own her.

I think you should try to get to know this guy. Reserve judgment. Yes, he should have kept his paws off at least until a couple of years ago, but she's of age now and there are rare cases where a relationship like this really is based on love, the real kind. My uncle, seven years older than my aunt, started dating her while she was in high school. They've been married forever.

Work under the principle of 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,' not because it's any of your business, but because you care about your sister and you want to make sure he's good to her. You might, grudgingly, like the guy.


There is no such thing as a weed.



In this instanse, my response is simple: BITE ME. I didn't have the means to find my sister, PERIOD. I specified that I didn't . It was only through an extraordinary stroke of luck that it happened.

And for everyone else, ever watch The Gambler? "Know when to hold them" My sister hasn't a clue how I feel about the guy. Nor will she until they split up...if ever. My personal opinions generally remain under guard, so all....feel blessed that I share....LOL.

But in the end, it doesn't matter how I feel about the guy. Only one question applies to him: "What's the statute of limitations on statuatory rape?". With him it's more like, when I got married at the age of 22, he was cruising around picking up freshmen in high school. That's the age differnce and the length of their relationship working.

My whole life has been spent wanting to spend more time with my sister. That's my blood, and since my mother's family have alwys treated more like a burden, except for my grandfather, and more like a bastard son (yes I was born in wedlock).
Certain information like my deep, personal feelings concerning my sister, and not having a relationship with her like everyone else, or hearing people say things like "I hate my sister" or violence toward a sibling instead of hug (an no, not playing around).
Point is: I had absolutely no information on them since they moved around alot due to my pops being military, *read again*. The only relative on that side off the family that I knew where they lived died a long time ago. Part of this is a LOOOOOOOOOOOONGGGG story, which is an even longer post that I will forego, unless common demand wants it......LOL.
But, I love my sister dearly, and due to being nice and all that on the boards, I am not fully expressing my feelings on being seperated form my sister for 7 years, and also the facts of only seeing her a year at a time.
But then again, perhaps you're right, maybe in your world, a 12 year old has all the say in what happens to his life. I didn't have a choice most of my life. Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mention the nigt five years ago where I spent SEVEN hours calling directory assistance in FIVE different states trying to find them with no success based on MEMORIES of where my pops said he would live after he retired, which he owned a house in GA, but eventually moved to TX a few months after retirement to work for IBM. He had also tried to contact me several times, but since my grandmother NEVER wanted me to have a relationship with him..............Does the picture come clearer now.

In case you haven't noticed, you struck a nerve there, though I am taking it that you didn't mean to. Sorry for the rant, but mebbe for those that didn't understand *most* of the situation, you do now..........

and yes Mal-icious, I agree...

"Your mouth is talking. Might wanna see to that"

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Saturday, December 11, 2004 11:54 AM

UNICORN


Sorry to strike a nerve.

I meant nothing hurtful with my post.

I gathered from the concern in your first post that you love your sister; I only meant for you to question the idea that you should try to break them up; I went back after my post was up and did read Hazel's post; it gave the best and most sensitive advice posted so far.

I'm sorry if my post came out like a gut-punch. This will sound weird, but when you're dealing with two toddlers and an infant 24-7 as I am, you very quickly find yourself paring down all extraneous material to get to the center of what you want to say in a post. Otherwise, you spend the 30 seconds you have writing a fluid introduction to a statement you never finish making; I'll be cut off in just a second by the infant-- she's 7 months old and wants to type or eat the keyboard-- I'm not sure which.

I'll still bite you if you want me to, but I hope you'll accept my apology for any hurt I may have done you.

It would just be a very sad thing for you to mean well and do something that came between you and your sister. That's all I meant. Sorry to cause you harm.

There is no such thing as a weed.

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Saturday, December 11, 2004 12:37 PM

TETHYS


No worries...apology accepted.

I really have no intention of breaking them up, I leave choices like that up to the person. Very well aware of the fact that she may come to resent it, so all she knows is that I love her and am here for her. She'll come around to the decisions, which I think she's almost close to, as long as she doesn't think she's stuck with him, which I have provided a little for her by offering her to come stay with me for as long as she wants to.....thoguh work would of course be expected....LOL.


as to biting.......hhhmmmmmmmm
LOL

"Your mouth is talking. Might wanna see to that"

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Saturday, December 11, 2004 6:25 PM

GEEZER

Keep the Shiny side up


Quote:

Originally posted by tethys:
she's running into the young-old conflict that hits us all when in that kind of relationship, thinking about younger guys, and living like a teenager. As to how he treats her: think of a piece of jewelry. it's very nice to look at, but useless otherwise. He didn't even understand why she wants to spend a few weeks with me.

"Your mouth is talking. Might wanna see to that"



Sometimes there's no good solution, just one that's less bad. Your sister's going to do what she wants to do. If you push it too hard, she's not going to dump her boyfriend, she's going to dump you. She's known him longer. If it were me, I'd let her know how I feel, but also let her know that it's her decision, and that I'd always be there for her. And I would be there for her. She's got to make her own mistakes, but having someone to come to when she does will mean a lot.

Never can tell, maybe her frog will turn into a prince. If not, give her somewhere to go where she'll be loved.

Heh. Pretty bold talk about siblings from an only child. Good luck, man.

"Keep the Shiny side up"

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Saturday, December 11, 2004 6:53 PM

SIGNYM

I believe in solving problems, not sharing them.


YOU are ready to be a brother. You ARE her brother. She, however, may not be ready to be your sister. You need to build up some credit with her because she has no idea how stable, reasonable, and caring you are. She doesn't know if she can count on you or not. She may not understand or accept your motives. (Perhaps she has never had anyone in her life who was just trying to look out for her.)

If this guy tries to limit your sister's contact with you, I would say that was a big warning flag and I would probably want to talk to a social worker. If you think there is an active case of abuse, call the police. Aside from that, you need to BE THERE for her. You need to live your life the best that you know how - be financially stable, build a positive relationship with someone, set a good example, and stay in touch. (Again, if you're finding resistance and it seems to be coming from the spear side of the relationship, that's a BIG warning flag.)


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Sunday, December 12, 2004 8:17 AM

TETHYS


Oh...I already have "THE BIG BROTHER" standing with her...I have for years.....just kind of getting to know each other again after the last 7 years...which is really interesting, since she's solidly Generation Y....LOL



"Your mouth is talking. Might wanna see to that"

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Monday, December 13, 2004 7:55 AM

CORNCOBB


Sorry to hear about your situation. I can see the logic of staying calm and supportive, BUT... This guy started dating your sister 6 years ago? so she waswhat? 13? That's just twisted. Any grown man who dates a 13 year old needs to be strung up by the balls.

"Gorramit Mal... I've forgotten my line."

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004 2:57 AM

IDEFIX


if I get the story and the math in it right I don't see what everyone is bitching about.

you're 25 now? your sister is 19 and her boyfriend is your age, so they are all of 6 years apart? and that's a problem? I'd say it looks kinda funny to think of a 19 year old boy with a 13 year old girlfriend. but it really depends on the boy and the girl in question. girls are usually much more mature when in their teens than boys. so 13 and 19 might be a good match for some early developing girl. they stayed together for 6 years and still are ok? don't you think that's kind of the prove that it works for them?

if she quit school because of him and stays at home all the time and has no friends and isn't allowed to go out without him or whatever there might be a problem but the age difference alone is really a pretty small one, don't you think?

most of the men I was with have been more than 6 years older than me and I can't see anything wrong with that. I was pretty much grown up at the age of 14/15 whereas the boys my age were mostly lanky versions of little kids playing. so either find the one in a thousand who is even interested in a relationship or go with someone older who is beyond the playing state.

and brothers who haven't been there for 7 years especially if that's the years from 12 zu 19 pretty much don't know their little sisters anymore. might be you should keep an open mind and try to get to know her first. she's no kid anymore, she's grown up to be a young woman in the last 7 years. she might even be a completely different person now. there's a huge difference between 12 and 19. might be the 7 years that most change a person.

just my thought
Idefix

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004 3:54 AM

CONNORFLYNN


Quote:

Originally posted by Idefix:
if I get the story and the math in it right I don't see what everyone is bitching about.

you're 25 now? your sister is 19 and her boyfriend is your age, so they are all of 6 years apart? and that's a problem? I'd say it looks kinda funny to think of a 19 year old boy with a 13 year old girlfriend.



Well..in the world I live in, a 19 year old with a 13 year old is considered...well..Statutory Rape. IMHO there is a HUGE difference in folks dating based on WHEN they start dating. If it was a 19 year old and a 26 year old..ok..I might turn my eyes away from the situation. She'd be , as an old friend of mine puts it "Big enough, old enough and ugly enough to make her own decisions". If it were me and I found out my sis was with a guy who was 7 years older then she and she was only 19 and had been "seeing" him for 6 years. I'd be having a long "talk" with him, there are ways to apply pressure without being overtly obvious about it (Like introducing her to someone who has the same interests as she etc..etc..). I'd have a hard time letting the guy be alone with any of my kids ever. However ultimately, it's now up to her, she's old enough to make her own decisions. I'd be willing to bet eventually she will move on. I'd be careful NOT to put her on the defensive, but you can bet your ass I'd be watching the situation closely. If anything untoward happened, I'd be needing some ice for my knuckles and he would be needing a colostomy bag:)

Keep your chin up Tethys. Your wife is right in the respect that there isn't much you can do about it now, so don't lose sleep..but stay vigilant.

As for being grown up at 14/15..all I have to say to that is wow! A 14/15 year old doesn't have the vaguest idea of what being "Grown up" is all about, let alone have the ability to make good decisions in terms of everyday responsibilities. Most 14/15 year olds don't have responsibilities above and beyond doing some house chores and keeping up with their schoolwork. In my opinion if you have a need to think you are "Grown up", you're not.

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