Quote:

---

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The next era of life in the United States promised to be a sobering one, as Americans learned today that an elderly dementia patient had been cruelly evicted from his own home.

The news came early Monday morning and provided the country with an unsettling glimpse into how the incoming Trump administration will operate, as a man described as a devoted public servant for over a half-century and suffering in the advanced stages of cognitive decline had been informed that he was not only out of work but also being forced to leave his house.

---

Quote:

---

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the waning hours of his Presidency, Joe Biden gave the nation one last friendly reminder that he is just the absolute worst.

Though America needed no further convincing, Biden was determined to let the nation know one final time that he is, without a doubt, the worst.

"Let me just drive this home one last time. I am the worst," said Biden in his final Oval Office address. "With these last few hours, I will keep reminding this nation, with every last decision, that I am the beyond a shadow of a doubt, unequivocally, the undisputed, unmatched, worst. Don't you forget it, America."

According to sources, Biden patiently saved some of his most egregious abuses of power for his final day in office in order to make sure the country really got the message. "What a powerful message to send with his final act, letting the country know once more that he sucks so bad," said an anonymous White House correspondent. "Truly, Biden is the worst."

At publishing time, Biden had vowed to spend his time as a former President traveling the country to continue reminding people of his unmitigated awfulness.

---