REAL WORLD EVENT DISCUSSIONS

Sounds like The Onion reads this board

POSTED BY: CUDA77
UPDATED: Wednesday, December 23, 2009 10:01
SHORT URL:
VIEWED: 743
PAGE 1 of 1

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 5:26 AM

CUDA77

Like woman, I am a mystery.


http://www.theonion.com/content/news/area_man_passionate_defender_of

Quote:


ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

"Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation," continued Mortensen, referring to the "Father of the Constitution," James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. "The words on the page speak for themselves."

According to sources who have read the nation's charter, the U.S. Constitution and its 27 amendments do not contain the word "God" or "Christ."

Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance "since the Ten Commandments."

"And let's not forget that when the Constitution was ratified it brought freedom to every single American," Mortensen said.

Mortensen's passion for safeguarding the elaborate fantasy world in which his conception of the Constitution resides is greatly respected by his likeminded friends and relatives, many of whom have been known to repeat his unfounded assertions verbatim when angered. Still, some friends and family members remain critical.

"Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."

Mortensen told reporters that he'll fight until the bitter end for what he roughly supposes the Constitution to be. He acknowledged, however, that it might already be too late to win the battle.

"The freedoms our Founding Fathers spilled their blood for are vanishing before our eyes," Mortensen said. "In under a year, a fascist, socialist regime has turned a proud democracy into a totalitarian state that will soon control every facet of American life."

"Don't just take my word for it," Mortensen added. "Try reading a newspaper or watching the news sometime."



Now the only question is, who here was so nice to give The Onion this interview?



NOTIFY: N   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 5:59 AM

BYTEMITE


Haha, awesome.

To be honest, I can probably only name five or six of the amendments in the Bill of Rights off the top of my head, but my arguments are rarely about "constitutionality" or even "legality," but rather my own logical/illogical/intuitive conclusions about the topic at hand.

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 7:00 AM

NIKI2

Gettin' old, but still a hippie at heart...


I agree with Byte.

Anyone see the article about the guy they wouldn't swear in because he's an atheist and, tho' there's a replacement for swearing "under God" in the Constitution, they still wouldn't let him take office? Duhhhhh....

We are still a nation goerned by misguided Puritanical influences, never kid yourselves!




NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 9:51 AM

FREMDFIRMA



Funny.

You know what I put MY hand on when they swore me onto the city council ?

This.


Of course, the fact that I actually executed my assigned responsibilities in fact and practice, and did exactly what they put me on there to DO...

Well, let's just say BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.

-F

NOTIFY: N   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 10:01 AM

KWICKO

"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." -- William Casey, Reagan's presidential campaign manager & CIA Director (from first staff meeting in 1981)


Someone refresh my memory - How many times DOES the word "god" appear in the Constitution?

I know the Preamble to the Declaration of Independence mentions something about "their creator", and that part tends to get mistaken for the Constitution pretty regularly (I'm lookin' at YOU, John Boehner!), but you'd think if the founders were all fundamentalist christians like the fundamentalist christians claim, they'd have actually mentioned something about their god in the founding document laying out the charter for these United States...


Here's a handy little site with some good (and some surprising, for some) info.

http://www.usconstitution.net/constnot.html#god



Mike

Work is the curse of the Drinking Class.
- Oscar Wilde

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

YOUR OPTIONS

NEW POSTS TODAY

USERPOST DATE

OTHER TOPICS

DISCUSSIONS
MAGA losers
Fri, July 11, 2025 20:36 - 126 posts
Boeing 737 Max
Fri, July 11, 2025 20:28 - 217 posts
TRUMP AND HIS SUPPORTERS ARE NAZI PEDOPHILES
Fri, July 11, 2025 19:55 - 495 posts
Do you feel like the winds of change are blowing today too?
Fri, July 11, 2025 19:40 - 2486 posts
In the garden, and RAIN!!! (2)
Fri, July 11, 2025 18:24 - 5645 posts
Tragedy in Texas - Flash Flood
Fri, July 11, 2025 18:06 - 2 posts
Russia Invades Ukraine. Again
Fri, July 11, 2025 16:58 - 8603 posts
'Border Czar' Tom Homan: Gavin Newsom And Karen Bass Could Be Arrested If They Get In ICE's Way
Fri, July 11, 2025 16:19 - 10 posts
Direction of the Country
Fri, July 11, 2025 16:14 - 14 posts
The Texas Disaster
Fri, July 11, 2025 15:57 - 160 posts
Trump Is Destroying Everything He Touches
Fri, July 11, 2025 15:41 - 468 posts
human actions, global climate change, global human solutions
Fri, July 11, 2025 08:34 - 1024 posts

FFF.NET SOCIAL