Title: In the middle of the night Summery: Simon doesn't always cope well with his new life Disclaimer: Characters belong to Joss Whedon not to me set after safe SLASH please don't read if you don't like slash

Simon smoothed River's dark hair behind her ears, breathing a selfish breath of relief. It had been a hard night, one in many. He felt awful about feeling greatful that River was asleep, it meant he could have a moment for himself.

The tears started slowly, stemming from the great love he had for River, his desire to make her better. But gradually they became tears of regret and sorrow and bone tiredness.

River had been more accepted into the crew then he, because she was a child, or that Inara, Kaylee and Book felt pity or empathy for the young girl.

He was stuck on the outside, he wasn't part of the crew, despite how nice Wash and Zoe and Book were. They knew he didn't really belong on this boat.

Simon's shoulders shook as he collapsed onto the cold floor, his tears were silent as he had long ago taught himself. Tears in the Tam estate had been seen as a sign of weakness. As his father had said 'not the making of a great doctor'

But here he was deep in the black, stripped of everything.

The tears came unbidden, he knew he couldn't stop even if Jayne walked in and held Vera to his head. This was his moment of weakness.

Surely he was allowed that one moment.

He was lost and alone, his sister lost to him in a fog of psycosis so deep he sometimes thought he would never find her again.

"Hey"

Simon's head whipped up so fast he banged his head on the wall. Mal stood at the door, his expression one of guarded concern.

"Whats's up doc?"

Simon hurried to maintain the last vestiges of his dignity.

"Nothing, Captain. I was just bedding down"

"And what the immense pressure of not havin' matchin' sheets finally caught up huh?"

Simon bowed his head not answering, willing the captain to accept his cowardice and folly and make a joke. Anything then telling the truth.

"Is it ya sister that's got ya down so bad?" Mal asked, moving closer into River's room and staring down at her.

"It's been a hard week" Simon muttered from the doorway.

Mal threw a look over his shoulder. "I can see. 'Course asking for help never crossed ya mind, huh"

"Help from whom?"

"I dunno, Kaylee or Inara, their fond enough of your sis. Wash and Zoe would be willin' course you might not trust us to take care of your sis in your absence."

"No, I just mean she's unstable, I mean...I wouldn't want her to lash out"

"My crew have fair experience with those that lash out."

Simon couldn't dispute that.

Mal turned deliberatly and stepped in Simon's personal space.

"You can't 'spect to cure her all by your lonesome. Stuff they did to your sis is pretty damn intricate. No matter how good you are"

"It's always been just me and River"

"Yeah well, you're in the black now an' you have to rely on yer wits and yer skill to survive. Lots of folk woulda told ya to dump the girl first chance ya got. But you didn't. Just like I don't dump my crew. You need help, you ask. Dong ma?"

Simon nodded. Mal gently patted his cheek.

"Good"

*************************************************

"River please you need to get some sleep" Simon said as he wrestled his wriggling sister into bed. "Sleep brings on the shadows and the men and...badness, everything evaporates and becomes pain" "I know Mei-Mei but you have to sleep." River slowly calmed. Gently Simon drew the covers over her wary of another episode. He watched her gaze vacantly up at him.

"Pain" she murmured. Simon gently took her hand and kissed her knuckle.

"I know, but I'll make the pain go away for you, I promise."

"Not mine, yours. All tangled up in knots under pretty colours and cloth." "I'm not in pain, Mei-Mei" But River was asleep.

Simon didn't belong, they all made that clear, especially the captain. So what was he still doing here?

Shakily Simon eased the door closed to River's bedroom. It had taken an hour and a half to settle her down tonight. There was only so many combinations of drugs he could adminster. He was losing.

Taking a deep breath Simon grasped his rationale. He could find a cure, he was one of the best doctors around, he just hadn't found the right drug. The tiny, insidious voice at the back of his mind, that always sounded slightly like Jayne said he would never find it.

"What'd I say about askin' for help?" Mal Reynold's tone boarded on dangerous.

"I'm fine"

"Fine? River barely sleeps and we're lucky if we get two words outta ya mouth a day. Now I need you to be on the ball, if one of our jobs go south, I can't have you tired and rundown"

"I haven't yet made a mistake"

"Yeah, that ain't a chance I'm willin' to take. You could hurt someone, what if Kaylee got tangled in the engine an you were to tired to fix her?"

Simon shuddered at the thought.

"An' we gotta talk 'bout you, you ain't come outta ya room or the infirmary for a week. Got the crew thinkin' I blasted you outta the airlock"

"I'm sure that would just devastate everyone" Simon said bitterly.

"It would. I told ya people are mite fond of ya" Mal took hold of the boys shoulders, surprised at how strong he was underneath his fancy clothes.

"Don't be thinkin' your alone in this" Simon's eyes were filled with resignation.

"But I am Captain, out here I am" "No you ain't you got us" "You can barely stand me" "Don't mean I want you miserable" "If this is your version of a pep talk, congratualtions"

Mal shook the boy, he couldn't help it. The frustration was turning into desperation. Mal Reynolds had commandered people as young as Simon and he knew he wanted to save Simon as any of the young people who had been slaughtered at Serenity valley.

The kiss came out of nowhere, both on the part of Mal and Simon. The sudden feel of Simon against him, his mouth moving against Simon's. Hands running over shoulder and back and arms. Fire crept over Mal's face and hands and everywhere connected to Simon. He was a damn good kisser, or desperation made him good. It was Simon who pulled away.

"Told you, you weren't alone" Mal said. Simon bolted for the door.

End part one