Kaylee decided to keep the first question simple. If things were to work out right, they’d have to ease into this whole honesty business. “Why ya so against crew relations, anyway?”

Mal didn’t even stop to consider his answer before he replied, “Things get messy. When things get messy, people get distracted. Sloppy. Stuff don’t run way it should and that leaves everyone open for all sorts of trouble we don’t need. Little bit of fun between the sheets ain’t worth all that.”

He believed everything he said and Kaylee knew it. She’d heard him go off enough on the subject to recognize that no matter how many times he said it, the message remained the same.

“What about Wash and Zoe?” She followed up.

Mal’s face clouded. “Exceptions to every case. Still, didn’t turn out too well in the end, did it? Now I got me a first mate who walks around like half of her is missing ‘cause it is.”

They both stared at their cups and silently made the mutual decision that now was the perfect time for their first shot. It wasn’t expensive enough to go down smoothly, but it was likely to do its job all the same.

“What’d you come on this boat lookin’ for?” Mal took his turn to ask a question.

Kaylee turned her cup over in her hands as she answered. “Wanted a place to be I felt I belonged. I love my momma and papa and family back home, but the black always gave a powerful tug on my insides. It called to me. Needed to find a home offworld ‘n Serenity was it. Thought it’d make me feel whole but it didn’t. The black filled a hole in me but once it did I found out was more’n one in my heart. Ain’t managed to fill that one yet.”

Mal greeted her confession with silence. Clearing her throat, Kaylee moved to refill their cups. “Why ain’t you ever told ‘Nara that you fancy her?”

Mal’s reaction was immediate. “What? I don’t have any such notions for Inara and I’ll thank you not to go puttin’ meaning somewhere it don’t belong.” He tried desperately to look affronted at the suggestion.

“That’s a lie and you know it. You’ve had a thing for ‘Nara since the moment she stepped foot on Serenity. Or at least you convinced yourself ya did," she retorted.

“I didn’t convince myself of nothin’, girl. Inara’s a member of my crew and that’s it," he spat back at her fiercely.

“You just told two lies, Cap’n. Means you can have my share as well as yours.” She pushed both cups in front of him and waited for him to pay his penance.

“I ain’t drinkin’ nothing until you can prove I’m lying," he shot back.

“’Nara’s a Companion. It’s her business to make menfolk fall in love with her. But she ain’t allowed to love none of ‘em in return. Bound by laws and all that to the Companion Guild. Convenient for you to take a shine to her when you know ain’t nothing can come of it. Means you can tell yourself that you’re feelin’ for her but she ain’t feelin’ for you and that’s just the way it is. All’s your doin’ is hiding from being happy--”

“Jian ta de gui!” he interrupted hotly. “I ain’t hiding from nothing.”

“’Nother lie. Yer just puttin’ off happiness ‘cause on some level you’re afraid of it. Too many bad things’ve happened to you makes you see being happy as a weakness. Thing that ‘causes people to go soft and lose focus and get killed.” When she was done with her tirade, Kaylee stopped and tried to gauge Mal’s reaction. He had the look of an animal backed into a corner.

“That’s three you got comin’ to you," she said evenly. Kaylee knew it was more an attempt to soften his anger than a sign of giving in, but he took his penalty as fast as he could. When the third shot had gone down he slammed the cup on the floor of the shuttle and glared at her.

“Why’d you pine after the doc for so long when, deep down, you knew he wasn’t for you?” Mal managed to ground out, eager to return punishment.

The hurt in Kaylee’s eyes was obvious, and she didn’t look at him when she answered. “Didn’t know. Thought he was what I needed. Really thought he could make me happy. I was wrong, that’s plain now.”

“That’s gôu pì, little Kaylee. Never actually really believed he was what you needed. Just hoped he was. The black had you so lost you was looking for anything to reel you back in from vanishing in it completely. Doctor happened to be the shiniest thing ya saw.” As a service to her temperament Mal managed to be a bit gentler confronting her with the truth than she’d been with him. Didn’t ring any less true no matter how the honesty was delivered, though.

She sighed and poured herself a shot, wincing as it went down. Mal would’ve felt worse about wounding the mechanic if she hadn’t just about knocked him over with her ability to see right through him. It wasn’t every day people pulled the secret pieces of your being right out of you and laid them out for examination. It was more than a little unsettling. If the conversation kept going this way, there was going to have to be a lot more drinking. Thinking in advance, Mal threw back another shot and closed his eyes as the alcohol warmed his insides going down.

“Free one.” He answered Kaylee’s curious look.

“Never know. Might find later that ya needed it,” she replied.

He looked at her, faintly surprised. “Could be.”

“What did ya think of me when you first met me, Cap’n?” Her question came out laden with more emotion than she intended. She was desperate to know; had been for quite awhile.

Mal offered her a small grin, the first since she’d entered the shuttle. “That one I ain’t answering. Some memories a man’s got to keep to his own self. Helps him through when things get rough.” He paused a moment before continuing. “Now, little Kaylee, seems only fair to turn the same question on you.”

She looked at him, lips pressed together as if she had to forcibly keep her answer inside. In truth, Kaylee didn’t have a problem telling the captain what she first though of him – that he was a kind man with a fierce, protective exterior who’d go to the ends of the universe to take care of his crew, even at the expense of his own well-being – but if he wasn’t going to tell her, she wasn’t going to tell him either. Instead, she poured them each another shot and they paid their penalty together. As soon as their cups were empty she generously refilled them both.

No one said much for a bit afterward, and Kaylee took advantage of the lull in conversation. Talking mostly to the floor, she whispered, “Why you got to be so gorram proud?”

“’Scuse me?” The edge was creeping back into Mal’s voice.

Stronger this time, she repeated, “Why you got to be so gorram proud all the time? How come you spend so much of yer time doin’ everything in the ‘verse to push people away?”

Mal’s grip on his cup tightened noticeably, but Kaylee ignored it. Instead, she stood up, fueled by her growing frustration.

“You think your pride’s the only thing saving you and everyone else from falling apart. Built a wall around you. Nuòfu.”

His eyes blazed at the insult – it wasn’t very wise to name call a man with as many shots in him as Mal had - but she was too worked up to stop.

“Really, pride’s what’s hurtin’ everyone on this boat. Zoe’s too proud to ask for comfort in her grief. Simon’s too proud to ever really accept what’s happened to him. And you’re too proud to admit you’re the cause o’ your own unhappy nature – and too proud to fix it, though it’s easy ‘nough to do. Ni shi bai chi! And it burns me up ‘cause it seems nothing no one can do about it. We all just got to sit here and suffer, hurtin’ because we’re hidin’ behind our pride.”

Before she finished Mal was up and advancing toward her, an unreadable look on his face. “Don’t take kindly to such words. Any other person but you would be surely sorry for utterin’ things like that at me. Call a man a coward and he has every right to drop you where you stand.”

Kaylee stepped back because the captain kept coming, and to be honest, she was afraid. Everyone had a line that shouldn’t be crossed, and she may have just crossed Mal’s. She knew he’d never hurt her, but raw anger in a man like the captain struck fear into the core of the biggest of men.

“I don’t know why you got it into your head that confessin’ needs to be done. Didn’t ask for you to try and meddle and fix people. Only thing I hired you for was to fix this boat. Sure as hell didn’t ask you to try and fix me – ‘sides, seemed you tried to fix yourself with the doc and that didn’t turn out so well, did it?”

By this time, she’d backed herself against a wall of the shuttle. She’d seen the captain this angry before, but his fury was never directed at her. That, coupled with his hurtful words, meant she couldn’t stop the tears from coming.

Seeing her crying seemed to bring Mal back from his anger. He shook his head a bit and stopped coming toward her. For a moment, strange as it sounded, she was half convinced he was going to kiss her. Instead, uttering curses under his breath, he backed away and retreated to the other side of the shuttle.

Kaylee couldn’t seem to stop crying. Things hadn’t turned out at all like she’d hoped. All she wanted was an honest conversation between him and her to try and work out the things that passed between them that they never talked about. She thought maybe the alcohol would make things easier to fix. But maybe the captain was right – you shouldn’t try to fix people who don’t want to be fixed.

For his part, Mal was ashamed of himself. Scaring a sweet girl and making her cry? If his momma saw what he’d just done she’d beat the tar out of him. Sorry as he was, Mal didn’t know what to say to make her stop crying. As much as Kaylee’s heart made her ache to try and fix things that were broken, his felt hardened too much to know the first thing about how to fix her.

“Don’t cry none, little Kaylee,” he called from across the room, eyes gazing downward. “Didn’t mean to upset you. Just made me so gorram angry and I don’t understand the first thing about why we got ourselves in this situation in the first place. You know the last thing I wanna do is wipe that smile from your face, darlin’. Let’s just stop this whole thing now – think we’ve both had enough honesty for one day.”

Mal looked up hopefully at her when he finished. She sniffled a bit and nodded, but maintained her distance from him. A few moments later Kaylee tugged open the shuttle door and let herself out without a word. Mal, emotionally exhausted, just watched her go. Then he picked up the almost-empty alcohol bottle and used it to keep himself company for the rest of the night.

~*~ END OF PART FIVE

Chinese Translations in order of appearance (courtesy of living_impaired’s journal)

Jian ta de gui! = like hell! Gôu pì = bullshit Nuòfu = coward Ni shi bai chi! = you are an idiot!