The next morning the smell of the last of the real coffee – received as an unexpected bonus from a job a few weeks back – brought the entire crew to the galley. Zoe, Jayne Simon and River sat at the table, all but River with a cup full of strong black coffee. The conversation wasn’t exactly lively, but it was pleasant enough – especially for so early in the morning. Mal leaned against a counter away from the others and nursed his cup in both hands, staying out of the talking entirely. All his attention was focused on his feet, which were apparently the most interesting things in the room. Simon kept a close eye on his sister, who kept trying to relieve him of his mug.

“No, mèimei. You can’t have coffee.” He gave the rest of them a ‘can you imagine what it would do?’ look. River just stuck her tongue out at him and poked at her breakfast.

“Mornin’ everyone. You better’ve saved me some of that coffee.” Kaylee’s voice preceded her into the room.

When she passed through the doorway her gaze fell first on Mal and the smile she’d brought with her to breakfast vanished instantly. The captain looked away immediately, casting his eyes downward as he took a sip of coffee. Everyone returned her greeting save Zoe, who cast a searching look in Mal’s direction. He pretended not to notice.

Recovering quickly, Kaylee walked over and reached behind him to grab one of the remaining mugs. Mal stiffened a bit as her arm, straining to reach behind him, brushed the top of his backside. She blushed at the accidental contact and tried to cover it with a loud and cheery “Mornin’, Cap’n.”

The captain cleared his throat and continued sipping his coffee. After a moment, he muttered something about the trouble having a pilotless boat could cause and left the room. The entire crew watched him go. “He’s got lots of voices. Can’t find a good one to listen to. Doesn’t want to listen to the right one.” River’s nonsensical observation was met with the usual puzzlement.

“What in the ruttin’ hell is she talkin’ about?” Jayne asked Simon.

“When have I ever been her interpreter?” The doctor replied evenly.

Jayne shook his head, downed the rest of his coffee and pushed back from the table. “I’m gonna go polish Vera.”

River lifted her head from the table and watched him leave the room. Soon as the thunking of his boots started to fade down the hall, she rose up, gave the rest of them a conspiratorial smile and started off after him. Kaylee hadn’t moved since the captain’s exit.

“Kaylee, ni meí shì bà?” Simon asked her gently.

“You want some coffee, Kaylee?” Zoe offered her the pot.

“Xièxie, I’m fine. Just changed my mind about the coffee is all.” She placed her still empty cup on the bench next to Zoe and left the way she’d come.

“You know, I never seem to really know what’s going on around here,” Simon observed aloud, eyes on the abandoned cup. Zoe just gave him a small half-smile and the two of them finished drinking their coffee in companionable silence.

~*~

Kaylee was tending to Mal’s list of things that needed doing on Serenity. After fleeing the kitchen it was the only thing she could think to do that wouldn’t allow her to cry embarrassed tears. Now that she was up crawling through Serenity’s insides looking for a leak in a coolant pipe – something she could fix in her sleep – she had plenty of time to think on things.

She couldn’t figure out what Mal must be thinking of her, turning away one man and then the very next day approaching another. It wasn’t exactly like that though, which she wasn’t rightly able to explain in her drunken state.

All she’d done all her life was look for things that made her happy. It wasn’t hard to be cheerful, really. Looking at the good side of things came naturally to her and it didn’t seem to take much to wear a smile and mean it. Engine parts, fixing things, fresh red strawberries, helping other folk, a good roll every now and then – that’s all it took. Except things changed a bit when she came on board Serenity. Doing that meant she wasn’t little girl anymore. She was away from her family and friends, out in the black all by herself. Which was exciting to be sure, but the black, full of possibility and promise as it was…was also powerful empty and lonely. There wasn’t anything she liked better than being on Serenity, but it could get to be a bit much to handle alone.

The captain seemed to understand that right off. Few weeks watching her work and studying her – learning how she ticked – and he sensed that she needed some fixing of her own. So he started encouraging her, gave her a supportive squeeze every now and again and dropped a kiss in her hair just because. Things like that helped warm her back up, feel more like normal again.

That didn’t take away her need for companionship, though. And when she spied fancy-looking Simon seeking transport, she was immediately taken by him. Her heart reached for the doctor the second she saw him –he was the one she needed to fill that loneliness caused by the black.

Because her need was so powerful it was impossible to keep her yearning secret from the crew, including the captain. There was something about Simon he never seemed to take to, she could tell. He said the wrong thing in reference to her and the doctor and made her cry more than once. She just figured it was his frowning upon crew relations that caused it all. Still, he did his best in his own thoughtless-but-caring way to keep her smiling through her Simon troubles. And then, after Miranda, the distance between Simon and her finally closed. He filled that lonely hole inside her and made all of her warm and alive again.

It was a brief fix, though – like how foam sealant will only hold engine pieces together for a few days before giving way and making them fall apart again – and soon after they joined that cold emptiness came creeping back into her heart. So she was left back where she started, except after that talk with the captain last night she may not have him to support her anymore. Thinking on that made her feel like never smiling again. She needed to find something would last a lot longer; something warm and comfortable that made her feel safe.

A pounding on the panel below her belly jarred her out of her distraction. Kaylee realized she’d been lying there, poised to fix the coolant leak, for much of the day. Jayne was pounding on the ceiling, he said, to make sure she hadn’t died up there. She pounded back and waited for him to go away before sitting up to finish her repairs – and she ignored the tear that somehow managed to work its way down her grease-stained face.

~*~

After giving the bridge a once over, Mal spent the better part of the afternoon in the empty shuttle, sitting and thinking. Nobody ever really used it save for emergency escapes and rescues (of which they’d had more than a few each).

It was cold and empty – a stark contrast to its sister shuttle on the other side of the ship. He found it worth a thought that Kaylee spent a lot of her time in Inara’s bright, comfortable shuttle and he spent a decent amount of his time in this one by himself. Just him in the pilot’s seat and the black stretching out forever and ever in front of him. It helped that he didn’t actually have to pilot it while he sat there, given his tendency to lose himself in thought while at the controls.

He was thinking on that morning, how awkward it was and how stiff and hollow he’d felt standing there listening to his crew chatter on. When Kaylee walked in every part of him seized up at the sight of her – so much so that he couldn’t function properly. He was uncomfortable, and when she’d come so near him he could smell her hair, his insides warmed, which only increased his discomfort. The desire to flee grabbed him and he was angry at himself – Malcolm Reynolds didn’t run from anything. But he couldn’t keep from retreating, though he knew by the way she stopped short in the middle of the room and cast her eyes to the floor that it hurt her feelings.

The captain of a ship was supposed to be an imposing force. It was his job to give orders, keep his crew in line, make sure they kept flying and didn’t die. He was a leader, and leaders didn’t show weakness. Not for drink, not for misbehaving crew and certainly not for flesh of any kind. Especially when that flesh belonged to a member of his crew. What kind of a hypocrite would he be, frowning on crew relations – Wash and Zoe, Simon and Kaylee – and then engaging in them himself?

Every man has needs, and Mal hadn’t experienced any pleasurable activities that didn’t involve his pistol hand in a good long while, but there was a time and a place for that. And it sure as hell wasn’t on his boat. And it damn well wasn’t with the girl whose daddy he promised he’d take care of.

True, Kaylee was the only person ever set foot on his boat that he’d openly showed any affection for. He held her close, tried to make her smile whenever he could. She tore his heart out every time she cried – especially when it was him that caused the crying. When she’d been shot in the belly he went cold with fear and dark with an anger he’d never remembered feeling before. He supposed that incident was why he always had a distrustful eye on the doc.

The intensity of those emotions spun him around, and even now, months later, he didn’t feel completely steady. His feelings for Kaylee were fierce – loyalty, protectiveness, affection – there wasn’t anybody he felt those things for stronger than her. But whatever his habitual display of fondness may or may not mean – he didn’t want to think on it. He refused to think on it. Instead, he stared out into the black and stopped thinking about anything at all.

~*~ END OF PART THREE

Chinese Translations in order of appearance (courtesy of living_impaired’s journal)

Mèimei = little sister Ni meí shì bà? = Are you okay? Xièxie = thanks