BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL

ZILL222

The Heist
Wednesday, October 9, 2002

Zoe falls ill after a heist.


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2881    RATING: 4    SERIES: FIREFLY

[ I know, Yo se, Yo se, it's filk but cute filk]

"I wouldn't if I were you." Captain Malcolm Reynolds cock the hammer on his pistol which he had pointed at the head of a guard reaching for his own weapon.

"Now, I have no hankering to kill no one today so if you just kindly hand of that there box I will be on my way." Just as the guard stepping out of the way, two more purple bellies cam rushing through the door.

"Hold it right there!" Mal lowered his weapon.

"Well I guess you got me." he tilted his head with a knowing smile just as Zoe and Jayne dropped on to the unsuspecting guards from up above.

Jayne looked up from his place on the floor on top of the guard. "They are so comfy, better than and easy chair."

Malcolm turned back to the one conscious man. "Now how about that box."

The guard bent to pick up the wooden crate. "Its to heavy, I can lift it."

"I thought these guys were supposed to be the best and the brightest." Mal motioned the man aside and bent to lift the parcel himself. He made a few grunts. "Um Jayne can you give me hand?"

Jayne motion the guard to move over with his unconscious comrades so Zoe could keep them all at gun point. "Mal, sometimes I wonder why you are the leader." Jayne made a few grunts and grows of his own.

"Come on lets just both try, I'm over here, you take that end." Jayne and Mal clumsily tried to pick up the package. Finally getting it to move.

Zoe kicked the sleeping offices "Up, we are moving!"

They move the box slowly outside where Serenity was waiting. When they finally got the crate up in to the cargo bay Mal turned to say a few words to the beaten offices.

"Now we are gonna leave you all here.....alive but we got to make sure y'all don't sound the alarm until after we are long gone so we are gonna have to incapacitate you, it's not as bad as it sounds.

All of a sudden a Zoe made a bad face. "Captain, Is it incredibly necessary that I be here for this?"

"What, what do you mean?" Mal shouted as Zoe ran of behind a near by bush, where the sound of retching soon began to emanate.

Jayne proceeded to knock the guards out. When Zoe emerged looking kind of white she was greeted by a quizzical look from Mal.

"Nothing, I'm fine." She boarded and went straight to the clinic.

"Do you take an inhaler?" Simon was taking Zoe's pulse.

She was seated on the examining table and felt very uncomfortable. "Just Omoxipayne."

Suddenly a voice came over the comm. "Zoe, You there?"

She glanced at Simon and walked of to the wall the console by the door. "Yeah Wash, I'm here."

"Jayne said you were sick, you okay?"

"I'm fine just a bug or something."

Simon hesitantly interjected, "Actually could you come down here and bring her Omoxi-inhaler"

Zoe glared at the floor "It's in the top dresser drawer by the Potany Oil"

Wash obviously had no idea what was going on. "Okay....sure."

Zoe went and sat back on the table. But Simon stopped her. "Actually, if I could just have you grab put on a gown, you can find them in that locker over there."

"Look, what do you think is wrong with me?"

"I honestly have no idea, that's why you need to have a more extensive exam."

Zoe turned her head in defeat and walk out to the locker.

____________________________

Wash enter with his cargo feeling very useful in an otherwise terrifying situation. Zoe was laying on the examination table in a thin gown looking strong which meant she was scared too. Simon was looking at a display intensely.

"I've got it" Wash said, a little to loud. Simon walk over and took the inhaler.

"How long have you been using this dose." He sprayed a small amount into a container of clear liquid that quickly changed a deep blue.

Wash realized suddenly that he was unaware of what the inhaler was.

"Two Months." Zoe answered.

"You might want to sit down." Wash realized that he was talking to him. He moved over and leaned against the exam table by his wife.

Simon's professional doctor face dissolved into a smile. "I'm sorry to say that you have been swindled. This is Limozeen, tastes just like Omoxipayne but is much cheaper to make and easier to store. It happens all the time."

"Wait, so this thing is making my wife sick?" Wash jumped and stood in front of Simon.

"No," Zoe's voice came very softly. "I'm pregnant."

The only other sound in the room was the large thump Wash made when he hit the floor.

____________________________

Wash slowly opened his eyes. Simon moved the smelling salts away from his face. Wash stood on shaky legs.

"Well, since everyone is conscious now, I think I will let you two talk a bit, just signal when you're ready for me to come back in." He turned and walked out, shutting the door behind himself.

The stunned couple watched him go. Zoe put her head between her hands. Wash slowly turned to her after Simon was out of sight. " I..I .. Don't understand. How did the inhaler thingy make you pregnant?"

Zoe parted her fingers in front of her eyes and sighed loudly. "It didn't, you made me pregnant, it just didn't prevent it."

"Oh" Wash turned his back to her trying desperately understand the situation. Slowly comprehension came over his face.

He turned to Zoe, her face still in her hands. "We're gonna have a baby." he said quietly. He walked over and took her hands in his. He moved his face until it was right in front of hers. His smile was soft and calm. "We're gonna have a Baby. You and Me." Her face became a mirror of his.

"Yeah, we are." He kissed her and they hugged. "And see how I could come to this conclusion with out passing out." They both laughed.

End Part 1 more to come ... if you want it.

COMMENTS

Thursday, October 10, 2002 3:35 AM

ANONYMOUS


No thanks

Thursday, October 10, 2002 6:37 AM

ANONYMOUS


No thanks, indeed.

Thursday, October 10, 2002 10:39 AM

THENIGHTMAN


Boy...I'll start at the beginning on this. You have quite a few mistakes, so I'll just let you in on the major ones.

<blockquote><br><hr color='#66ccff' size='1'>"I wouldn't if I were you." Captain Malcolm Reynolds cock the hammer on his pistol which he had pointed at the head of a guard reaching for his own weapon.
<hr color='#66ccff' size='1'></blockquote>

Jumping into the action like this is a terrific way to start a fanfic. However, you have a major error and some passive voice creeping into what should be a very active paragraph. For example:

'cock the hammer' should be ' cocked the hammer'

"his pistol which he had pointed at the head of a guard reaching for his own weapon."

- The part starting from 'which he' is a parenthetical section, so it should have a comma in front. It also suffers from passive voice here, since the action described is going. This might improve things:

<blockquote><br><hr color='#66ccff' size='1'>"I wouldn't if I were you." Captain Malcolm Reynolds cocked the hammer on his pistol, taking dead aim at the guard as he drew his own weapon.
<hr color='#66ccff' size='1'></blockquote>

<blockquote><br><hr color='#66ccff' size='1'>Jayne looked up from his place on the floor on top of the guard. "They are so comfy, better than and easy chair."
<hr color='#66ccff' size='1'></blockquote>

and->an

More importantly, the action shifted from the robbery (I suppose if they do train jobs they can do robbery, though you might want to elaborate on what this job was) to Zoe's pregnancy. If the later is the focus of this story, it seems to me a little jaring to have "The Heist" as the title.

Thursday, October 10, 2002 10:42 AM

THENIGHTMAN


On the plus side, you do have a good, descriptive style that would come through better with some good editing and beta reading. If you like, you can email the text to me and I'll preread it for you.

My email is:

cornetts@siscom.net

Monday, October 21, 2002 6:37 AM

ANONYMOUS


Yes your style and grammar could use some work - but at the same time I don't see why everyone feels the need to jump at the mistakes. They are easily fixable with some light re-working, and a good beta-reader.
Go ahead, write another part if you want because it's not up to other people whether or not you write. Those that can't tend to be the overly critical ones.
I would say that if you do write another part, have someone check it out first and get some good feedback before posting it.

Monday, November 11, 2002 1:22 AM

ANONYMOUS


ugh

Thursday, July 1, 2004 12:04 PM

ASAKUMA


I am not going to tear this apparet. It's an interesting idea but I really think that you might wnat to edit or have somone edit things before you sumbit them. Spelling and context errors are distrating. It is, however, an interesting idea.

Friday, August 19, 2005 5:48 AM

BELLONA


""We're gonna have a baby." he said quietly. He walked over and took her hands in his. He moved his face until it was right in front of hers. His smile was soft and calm. "We're gonna have a Baby. You and Me." Her face became a mirror of his.


"Yeah, we are." He kissed her and they hugged. "And see how I could come to this conclusion with out passing out." They both laughed."

that bit was a little too sweet an fluffy, but good other than that


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