N.B. rated over 15 for language and implyed sexual references... although i knew 'bout this crap when i was 11, so dont hold too much by that.

*** additional note, the game featured in this fic is real. and very funny when played with drunk people. contacxt me or belona if you take a fancy to knowing how to play it! ***

***

Kaylee was losing at solitare. Repeatedly. And she wasn’t very happy about it. “Gorrammit!” she yelled, tossing the pack across the dining room table. The cards slid out, some flying off the edge. “Stupid game anyhow.” There was a deep laugh behind her and Jayne appeared carrying a big bottle of her engine fermented cider and two glasses. “Well then, li’l Kaylee, wanna learn a fun game?” “Does it involve strippin’?” “Hey, I never said that!” Jayne slapped the glasses down, looking hurt, dumped the bottle of soft amber liquid in the middle of the table and set about picking up the escaped cards. Kaylee giggled, watching the big mercenary scrabbling around on his hands and knees. “You sure thought it though, din’t ya?” He glared at her. “Fine, I’ll teach ya the less nekkid version. But it’ll be way less fun.” “I’ll play!” River dashed through from the bridge at high speed, bare feet making no sound on the grating. She twirled mid-dash, grabbing three glasses from the sideboard. Smiling in excitement, she plonked them beside Kaylee and Jayne’s. “Uh, how much d’ya plan on drinkin’, moonbrain?” asked Jayne, eyeing the extra tumblers. River rolled her eyes, looking at him as though he were a particularly dim toddler. “Not for me, silly. Five players, five glasses. Duh. Even your underdeveloped intellect can surely grasp that.” “Why you-” “What’s going on?” Zoë appeared in the doorway with Simon, taking in the scene at a glance. “Don’t tell me, River’s newly found wit strikes again.” “River…” Simon began, looking slightly exasperated. Ever since Miranda, River had been quipping with a sense of humour to rival the captain’s. River grinned at them. “Jayne gonna teach us card game.” Zoë held up a hand. “Wait a minute, this involves nudity, doesn’t it?” “I already asked that,” laughed Kaylee. “We’re gonna learn the non-nekkid one.” Jayne looked murderous. “I ain’t teachin’ it to her now,” he snapped, glaring at River, arms folded. “No ruttin’ way.” Kaylee’s face fell as though someone had shot her puppy. “Awww, but Jayne…” Her lower lip began to tremble. Stony faced, Zoë walked up to Jayne and pushed him with her finger. He stepped back. Zoë had gotten a lot more dangerous since Miranda. “Oh, alright then.” With a screech of wood on steel, he pulled out a chair and started pouring the cider. River snatched hers with enthusiasm, taking a gulp. Simon’s eyes bulged and he opened his mouth to object, until Kaylee pulled him into a seat beside her and shoved some of the drink in his mouth. He couldn’t speak for sputtering. “Right.” Jayne drained his glass as they all got comfortable and poured himself another. “This game is known as Bastard.” “Bastard?” Frowning at Simon, he drained his second glass and poured another for both him and Kaylee, who seemingly drank rather fast. “Hun dan, if ya prefer it. Now, basically, all that happens is…”

****************************************** “You bastard!” shouted Simon, slamming his fist into the table and tossing the three of clubs he’d just turned over in front of him. “Gimmee dose qiangbao houzi de cards.” Kaylee started giggling, throwing a hand out to pat Simon’s shoulder and missing spectacularly, slipping off her chair to land ass first on the floor. Simon squinted at her. “Wha’ ya doin’ onna floor?” Kaylee continued giggling, hauling herself back up unsteadily. “Fink you is pished, Doc. Real, real pished.” “Hey, mista drunkded doc, s’yor turn, innit,” slurred Jayne from his other side. “Yep. S’ma turn.” He giggled, hiccupped and put down three threes. Kaylee, still giggling hysterically, slapped down two sevens, the last cards in her hand. “I win again!” she squealed, jumping up, arms in the air. Attempting a victory dance, she promptly fell over again. “Dat girl has won ten games inna row.” Zoë dropped her cards in a heap in the middle. “No fair.” “S’all ‘pendin’ on chance. Noffin else innit. Noffin, noffin.” River flicked her cards at Jayne. They showered across him. “No skill t’all.” “Certainly s’plains why you ain’t won ev’ry single game, dunnit,” Jayne hazily remarked, pointing a half filled glass in the rough direction of River. “Done want ya diddlyin’ di cards.” He waved the glass around, showering Simon. Unfazed, the doctor tried to catch the cider in his mouth. This proved to be a bad idea, as he ended up almost joining Kaylee, who was still laughing hysterically on the floor. At the last moment he grabbed Jayne’s sleeve, stopping his slide. “Hey, fancy pants, wha’sa ma’er?” Jayne, unstable as he was, was unable to keep both of them up. Simon squeaked as the solid tonne that was Jayne landed on top of him on the floor. Kaylee rolled over, unfocused eyes blinking at them. “I know!” she sniggered. “Threesome!” she shouted, punching the air. Zoë let out a snore. “I wanna fuck the jingchang mei yong de mercenary!” yelled River, jumping up, tripping over Kaylee’s chair and sprawling headlong across the floor. “Well, not really. Only coz I is v’ry pished.” “Who ya callin’ useless, moonbrain?” muttered Jayne indistinctly, face buried in Simon’s shoulder. “Uh, what in all that is good and true is goin’ on here?” Mal’s voice said. Turning over, Kaylee grinned at him. “Bastard!” she shouted, doubling up with fresh laughter. “Oh, that? Well I’ll leave yous to it then.” He turned, shaking his head at them and headed back to the bridge.

Finis.