Mal is sitting in Wash’s old chair, gazing at the cold blackness when she comes to him. He can hear her bare feet whispering to Serenity before she perches herself on the edge of the control panel. She places her small feet on his knees and leans forward to watch him quietly. At one time it might have unnerved him but now he accepts it as he does her, whole and actual.

When she reaches out to touch his cheek his eyes slide close on instinct, he doesn’t bother hiding his response to her anymore. He knows she can sense the weariness and longing that rests beneath his skin and the hard line of his jaw. His head is full of worries about finding a job after Miranda, keeping her safe and how to heal Zoe. He doesn’t know how to do any of it now.

“It’s time,” Rivers says suddenly, voice full of a strength he doesn’t have.

Silence settles over them and he can just make out the shadowy outline of a patient smile on her face in the glow of the control panel. “Alright” he breathes finally and River can taste the relief when his hands slid up her calves to pull her towards him.

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When the captain tells the crew they’re taking leave at his mammas ranch on Shadow for a spell, Simon thinks about the book on Veterinary Medicine River bought him at the last port. She won’t meet his eyes when he looks to her, Zoe and Mal share a long hard stare before she relents while Jayne agrees too, which surprises Simon. When the captain prods him he mutters something about ‘whacking them cattle’ and of course Kaylee agrees cause ‘Cap’n you can’t fix nothin to save your life.’ Simon already knows he and River will go with the Captain, just like the rest of the crew. They’re family after all.

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The first time River gets thrown from a horse she gets the wind knocked out of her and lays in the dust, gasping. Zoe has the reins and Mal is beside her in an instant but her eyes are wide and vacant. His hands are warm when he brushes the hair from her face and cups her cheek. “River,” he says, voice strong and low as her hands fist the fabric of his shirt in an attempt to gain some control. “You’re gonna be ok darlin,” he assures her and she believes him as her body stills and mouth opens to gasp wetly while she waits for her breath to return.

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River stands close to him, fingers hooked through one of his belt loops as he deals with the seller. They haggle over the price of the cattle and horses and Mal can see Jayne and Zoe moving through the herd, checking and arguing. Beside him River smiles, face bright as she watches Simon rest his head on Kaylee swollen belly, looking more content then she could ever remember on the porch of the ranch house. Before money exchanges hands he looks to her but she just shrugs little soul, big world, and disappears into the mess of cattle.

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Dawn is rising behind them and a faint warmth is spreading through River’s thick coat. Beside her Mal shivers and stamps his feet in an effort to throw off the cold that’s crawled into his jacket. It’s their first winter on Shadow and Rivers first time to see snow. Her fingers are cramped and cold and Kaylee is too thick to play now but Mal’s hand is strong and sure around her waist as they stand on the porch. Laughter drifts outside and up to the sky with the fog of their breath as River leans into him.

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She’s cradling the horse’s head in her lap and her sure fingers are soft and soothing as they brush through the tangle of its mane. She is humming a tune he doesn’t recognize to the broken animal and it stills beneath her ministrations with a soft snort of pleasure. She touches her head to his, eyes sliding close and her tears mark a patch of fur darkly as Mal feels something twist inside him. He waits until she disappeared into the house before he pulls the trigger but he knows she hears it anyway, her sharp cry eclipses anything else.

She finds him later that evening up on the hill overlooking his mommas property and sits down beside him gently to watch dust settle over the ranch in silence. She’s barefoot and there is wet grass blades sticking to her legs and streaks of mud on her calves but she doesn’t seem to mind. “He’s better off,” she tells him and it’s all wrong. He should be comforting her for the loss of her horse. “No suffering,” she whispers and he doesn’t understand how she can sound so sure. “Couldn’t live knowing he suffered because I was too weak to let him go.”

“River,” he starts but she shushes him, crawling into his lap, arms sliding into his jacket as she hugs him close and rests her head on his shoulder. He doesn’t push her away but curls his arms around her instead, and when she finally turns her face towards him he kisses her softly and she understands all he can’t say.