First, a great big thank you to everyone who's left comments to my recent posts! The vault isn't empty yet...

This piece was written for TaraLJC (I'm sure you all know her--I think she's one of the best writers in FF fandom) when she requested stories based on her Live Journal icons. The one I chose shows Simon and Kaylee from "The Message," as Simon, unseen, observes Kaylee listening to Tracey's recording. The caption reads: "My fandom has intimacy issues."

Boy, does it ever!

No archiving. please. The usual disclaimers apply.

****** So Near, So Far (c) 3/31/04 HawkMoth ******

Others can turn a blind eye.

River can't. She sees without looking, knows without seeing. She's getting better but parts of her are still broken. Open like bleeding wounds. Thoughts and words and things she shouldn't know seep in like invasive microbes, burn in her brain like a fever.

She thinks the parts that have healed are getting stronger, swarming like white blood cells to wall off the the bits of chaos, the accidental invasion of thoughts not her own. It's wrong to know too much--not right. Not right to cause worry and fear to the ones she belongs to now.

But eyes are for seeing, ears are for hearing. Even without the knowing, River knows things.

She can see what Wash and Zoe are--two almost a perfect one. Nearly a single entity--WashandZoe. A wall of love bearing so much weight that tiny cracks appear now and then. But those fissures never spread far enough to shatter the wall. They're patched with words, a touch, or laughter; repaired by silence, apartness, or tears. The weight resettles and the wall is stronger than ever.

She knows what Simon is--the rock that keeps her anchored to the real. He is strength and shelter. But a rock that rests on a precipice needs something to shore it up, to keep it from tumbling off the edge. Simon thinks she is enough to hold on to, but she knows he needs more. His eyes don't know how to see what hers do.

Kaylee is the keystone that could keep him in balance. Hold him up out of the reach of the darkness. He could steady her in turn and together they would be stronger than they could ever be alone. They would be there for River to lean on, and their strength would make her stronger. But Kaylee's ears can't yet hear what Simon isn't saying.

So River waits for the day they will learn what she already knows.

She knows other things. Not every one needs an other. Self is enough, or selflessness. Redirected energy, or strength drawn unaware from many--sometimes unseen, often unheard. But always there.

River can see the two bound together by one thing, who need to be bound by more. She can hear their steps on separate paths that should merge and lead in the same direction. She knows the words neither one will say, and if she dared, she would put those words in their heads and bid them to speak.

But River comprehends the wrongness of that wish. She holds herself in check, not knowing if Mal and Inara will ever find the balance that Simon and Kaylee will, or share the kind of strength that Wash and Zoe do.

Not knowing if she wants to know. The broken parts may never heal, the healed parts may never grow stronger. Her eyes will see and her ears will hear. She will know too much and not enough, and she will always fear for the ones she belongs to.

******