These characters and this verse were created by the genius of Joss and company. It is all owed by someone else, not me. No disrespect intended. I just love these folks and they live on in my dreams.

Before reading Serenity Players, it will helpful if you first read fanfic “Jayne/No Jane” posted here on 08/28/04.

Our gang is working for Badger again, a prison break this time. Could things possibly go smooth, just once?

Mal Zoe Wash Jayne Kaylee Inara Simon River Book

Badger

Commissioner Blake

The Tumbling Tremains: James, father Holly, mother Junior, first son Ellen, first daughter Dale, second son Don. Third son Denise, second daughter Martha, Junior’s wife Wade, Ellen’s husband Abigail, Wade and Ellen’s 2 year old daughter

Dr. Randall Howe

Patrick Badger

Commander Williams and 97 fine Alliance solders.

Scene – (Badgers office on Persephone. Mal & Jayne talking to Badger.) (Badger): The right ship, the right pilot, the right crew could do this. (Mal): For the right price. (Jayne): How is it again? (Badger): Again. (A little quick and condescending) New Bethlehem is on a harmonious little moon on the border. Me baby brother Patrick was delivering some goods and got arrested. You can get arrested there for almost anything. He’s been in the Sodom Maximum Security Prison for over a year now serving a 10 year sentence. I want him out. Ah, I should say, our Mum wants him out. He could rot for all I care. (Mal): That won’t make this any cheaper. (Badger): 600, 100 now 500 later. (Mal): Ha. 2000, half now (Badger): 800, 200 now (Mal): 1400. 400 now. (Badger): So you’ll do it? (Mal): Maybe. I don’t understand why you don’t do it yourself? (Badger): I’ve already got 2 others arrested trying. I told you, it’s easy to get arrested there. (looks at Jayne) You better keep him under wraps. (to Mal) I need someone who can think smart and fast and be good. (Mal): And that would be us. 2 others will cost more. (Badger, quick): They can rot. Look, if you don’t want the job … (Mal): Whoa, maybe. I just want some more details. (Badger): The prison is 5 miles outside of town. It’s fortified better than any prison on any core planet. Point of interest, Sodom Maximum Security Prison is the number one employer in New Bethlehem. They fly ‘em in from all over. Patrick works in the cafeteria. Apparently, he’s a pretty good cook. He said the only piece of that place that is vulnerable is the glass ceiling in the dinner hall. And it’s covered with high tech alarms inside and out. You need to get in, shut off the alarms, and get to the roof where some good flying and timing from your crew will get you picked you up. (Jayne): You want Mal to get arrested. On purpose? (Badger, annoyed): Didn’t I say that? There is a special occasion coming up, Founders Day. There will be a big special dinner and Patrick can hand pick some extra help. (Jayne, chuckles): Like to do dishes? (Badger, ignores Jayne, to Mal): He picks you and provides cover while you go off and cut the alarms. After dinner is over, you and Patrick slip out, break some glass and climb on to the roof. Your crew flies in, picks you up and you’re out a there. Easy as lying. (Mal): Where are the alarm consoles? (Badger): Ah … we don’t know yet … but that should be easy to find once your in. (Mal): Sounds risky. If it was easy, don’t you think others would have done it? (Badger): Founders Day. Everyone will be in the cafeteria. Minimal guards. Big festivities. Everyone in a good mood. You’ll be able wander around till you find it. And maybe by then Patrick will know where it is. He’s looking. (Mal, not convinced): Right. Easy peasy. (Badger): And if you just get arrested for some minor crime, the worst that happens is you lose 30 days for 400 pieces. Hell, you probably deserve 30 days. Anyway, I hear the food is good. (Jayne): A little R&R you reckon? (Badger): And ol yeah, here is a little problem. Your companion won’t get you on New Bethlehem. Whoring ain’t legal. You’ll need a different cover. They don’t just let anyone into their pompous little lives.

Scene – (Serenity, bridge, circling New Bethlehem. Wash in front of video phone. Zoe, Jayne, Kaylee & Mal watching on) (Operator on video phone): One moment please. (Mal): Ask nice. I get the feeling this place likes it regulations. (Man on video phone): This is Commissioner Blake. What’s your business? (Wash): Sir. I represent Firefly class registration JW644456463 requesting permission to land. We’re the Traveling Tremains, sir, a traveling troop of entertainers. You’ve probably heard of the Tumbling Tremains … (Blake): Yes, I have. I’ve seen them in Londinum. They’re great. (Wash): Yes, th … , ah, we are. Thank you, sir. We would like to perform a show in conjunction with your Founders Day celebrations. On 9day and 10day. (Blake): A show? What’s it like? We don’t take to show peoples craziness around here. We’re a family community. (Wash): Yes sir and we have a family show for you. We have the The Tumbling Tremains. That’s family entertainment. (Blake): What else? (Wash): What else? Yes, of course, (glances at Mal) we have sharp shootin’ cowboys, (glances at Kaylee), … and pretty girls who can sing and dance. … (glances at Jayne) … And, and clowns. Yes, it’s all very family oriented, we even have a Preacher who starts and ends every show with a blessing. (Blake): That sounds like it would make a nice addition to our celebration. Permission granted. Check in with my office within 4 hours of landing for all the proper permits. Have your papers ready. You can set down on the north end of town. That’s community property and I can rent it to you. Out. (Jayne): Clowns? (Wash): It’s all I could think of. (Zoe): It’s ok, it doesn’t matter, we’ll be leaving on 8day. Nobody has to be a clown. (kisses Wash) (Kaylee): It sounds like a mighty fine show to me. Pretty girls singin’ and dancin’. I want to see it. (laughs) (Mal): It’d be fun for us all little Kaylee. (Kaylee): Really, I would love to see The Tremains perform. Just watching them practice and goof around in the cargo bay is so much fun. (Jayne): They are all … bendy. (Zoe to Mal:) I think we should go through some of the motions of setting up for a show, sir. Set up their tent and all. (Mal): Agreed. (Zoe): I don’t know how much to tell them though. I don’t think we want them to know we are planning a prison break. (Wash): I don’t think James or Holly would bat an eye. They seem pretty tolerant to me. (Mal): Yeah, but let’s leave out as many details as we can. To them, we are just passing through on our way to Whitefall and we just need their entertainment troop story for cover so we can land. (Jayne): Hell, they should be grateful and do anything we want. They need us more than we need them. We’re the ones who put our necks on the line and rescued Ian and … (Kaylee): They are grateful. (dirty look to Jayne.) That’s a very close-knit family. They wanted their son back as bad as Oscar wanted Lana. (Zoe): It is very convenient that we can use their popularity now. (Mal): It ain’t the Tremains I’m worried about. A lot can go wrong on this job. I’m only giving myself two days in jail and in those two days, I have to make contact with Badger’s brother, find the alarms, and escape, all the while I’m sure they’ll want to keep me lock up in a tiny little cell. (Jayne grinning): Don’t forget doing the dishes. (Mal ignores Jayne): But the pay is right and worth a little risk. Be sure to get all the proper permits. I know you’ll have to peel off a little to grease the locals but make it look good. Whatever it takes. I really don’t want to spend 30 days in jail. Guess I’ll go prepare to get arrested. Got to find my papers and I don’t want to lose my good gun. (Pats his sidearm and walks off) I’ll see you at nine on 8day. (Kaylee): Have fun Captain Harbatkin. (Jayne): Enjoy the food. (Chuckles from everyone)

Scene – (Wash, Zoe, and Junior Tremain waiting in Commissioners office on New Bethlehem.) (Zoe to Junior): Thanks for coming with us. We don’t want to look to amateurish. I can’t believe all those papers. (Junior): It’s cool. Dad’s been letting me handle this end of the business since I was a kid, Ian’s age. (He looks worried.) (Zoe): He’ll be OK, you’ll see. (Junior): Thanks. I’m sorry. As the oldest, it’s upon me to take some of the worry off of Mom and Dad. (Wash): You don’t need to apologize. We understand. (Clerk, walks up and takes a bunch of papers from Wash): This looks good. The Commissioner will be with you shortly. (Wash to Clerk): Thank you. (To Zoe) My hand hurts. (He rubs his hand from writing so much. Zoe takes his hand and starts massaging.) (Zoe to Junior) When did you know something was wrong? (Junior): When your preacher knocked on the door. No, that’s not true. The twins suspected something early on. From his letters. And when he quit using the video, Mom was worried. He said the vid was out, but … (shakes his head.) He changed, just being in that school for a few months. (Wash): Why isn’t Ian in the family business? (Junior): He was. And he’s pretty good. But he’s also very smart. Dad thought it would be good for the family if one of us had ties to the real world. Ian was going to be a lawyer. In our business, having a lawyer in the family can be a real good thing. (Blake): Tremains? (Wash): Yes sir, that’s us. (Blake): OK, you’re pretty close to set up here. How do you trade? (Zoe): We have coin. (Blake): OK. We’ve got you down for 2 show permits. The area you set down on is fine. I took a quick fly over earlier. You put on the form here that you’ll be leaving on 10day, but if that’s the show day… (Wash, quickly): I messed that up. We’ll be leaving early the next day. (Blake): No problem, I’ll just fix that. So you’ll be renting for six days, I have to charge you for the extra day even if you are leaving early. And we got the permits for landing, staying, the show … What about advertising permits. Signs. I didn’t see that. (Junior): We were just thinking about advertising in the local paper. With all of the other Founders Day activities. (Blake): OK, you can pay me for the paper too. I’m on the board. Here, just write down what you want it to say and I’ll see it gets in. (He shoves a piece of paper to Junior and Wash steps over to help. Junior and Wash are talking softly. Wash mouths ‘clowns’.) (Zoe to Commissioner, doing the math) So, what do we owe you? (Blake): Looks like it all adds up to 199. (Zoe): Sure we don’t owe you 1 for something else? (Blake): Yes, I forgot, would you like to make a donation to The Founders Day Fireworks. It’s a big thing at nine on 8day. Sort of starts off the whole celebration. (Zoe): Nine on 8day? We would be happy to contribute. (She counts out the coin.) (Blake): OK, last thing, I’ll be up to review your operation tomorrow. I want to see your script and costumes. I’ll be checking your premises for safety. (Wash): Our script? (Blake): Yes. It was in the paperwork you signed. And I want to see the costumes too. I told you, we are a family community here. It’s my responsibility to make sure you have a family oriented show. If it’s as you say, then there’ll be no problem. When you pass, I’ll mark the permits with an approved stamp. Display that at the ticket counter and you’ll be all set. I don’t think I can get out there till after supper. I’ll see you tomorrow evening. Also, no refunds. (He turns and walks away.) (Wash): Tzao gao! (Oh shit!) (Zoe): Well, that’s that! (To Junior) Did you ever … (Junior): Yeah, some places are pretty strict. (They leave, everyone looks gloomy.) (Wash): Well, how hard can it be? To make up a show on paper? We have till tomorrow evening to get it done. And with The Tremains as our anchor act, it should be easy. (Zoe): What did you say on the vid? Sharp shooting cowboy? Pretty girls that sing and dance. (Wash): And ah … clowns.

Scene – (Sodom Maximum Security Prison hall. Mal, in orange jump suit, cuffs, walking down hall followed by prison guard. They walk by a set of open doors. Guard glances down that hall and spots someone working on something behind another set of doors.) (Guard): Hey do you mind if we stop here a sec. (Mal): No problem. I’m in no hurry. (Guard to the guy down the hall): Jonah??!! (Jonah to the guard): Hey Marko!! (Marko to Mal, happy): That’s my brother-in-law. (They walk down the hall to Jonah. Marko & Jonah hug and exchange small talk and don’t notice that Mal can see what Jonah is doing. We and Mal see what Jonah is working on, the alarms!). (Mal whispers to himself, and is not seen or heard): Shiny. (Marko): What are you doing here? (Jonah): Just tweaking things a bit. I’m almost done. (Marko): Great. As soon as I get this guy settled, I’m going for lunch. Can you join me? (Jonah): That would be great. (Marko): Give me about 15 (He and Mal walk away. To Mal): That’s my wife’s baby brother. He’s a great guy. He’s really a good provider. Smart. Why he … (fade)

Scene – (Serenity’s kitchen. Wash, Zoe, Book, Jayne, Kaylee with a small computer, River, Inara, Simon, James, Holly, Junior) (Holly): A show is usually about 2 hours. (James): And your anchor act is last. (Junior): You can use our tent and bleachers. We even have a sound system. (Zoe): Thank you. We’d like to set it up and make it look good. (James): Of Course. (Wash): I said our preacher starts and ends every show. (Zoe): OK. That’s good. (to Kaylee) Put it down. (To Book) Can you write out a little something, preacher? (Book): Of course. (Junior): I have a script already written out for The Tremains. I’ll get it. (He leaves.) (Wash): OK. Now all we need is a beginning and middle. (Jayne): What about the sharpshooter? I can be a sharpshooter. I once hit a guy in the neck from 500 yards with a bent scope. Don’t that count as sharpshootin’? (Zoe): Yes, and I’ll help. But figure out a better target. Blake will be looking for safety. Maybe we can throw knifes too. (Jayne nods and leaves) (Kaylee): You said pretty girls that can sing and dance. I can sing. (Zoe): Great. Pick your songs and write out the words. This guy is going to want to make sure you aren’t too sexy or cuss or something. (Holly): It’s supposed to be a family show, right. What about singing to the kids? (Zoe): Kids songs would be great. (Wash): Can you take care of that Kaylee? Get the words and music. (Kaylee): Sure. I can get whatever we need from the cortex. (Zoe): Great. Get it. I want to be thorough. This guy may ask to see part of an act. I want to have it planned out well enough that we can fake it if asked. (River): I can dance. (Kaylee): Of course. When I get on the cortex, you can pick out some music. (River nods.) (Inara): I can play the dulcimer. (James): Do you have a dulcimer? (Inara): No, but I can also play the harp, a piano, the flute … (Wash): Do you have any of that? (Inara shakes her head) If we say we got someone who plays the piano, Blake is going to expect to see a piano. (Book): I saw a pawn shop in town. We can probably get some musical instruments there. (Kaylee): We’ll need costumey things too. (Inara): Book and I will get anything we think we can use. How much can we spend? (Zoe): Captain said whatever it takes. (She counts out some coin) (Wash): Alright! This is coming together. We got a preacher, sharpshooters, pretty girls who can sing and dance and play music, The Tumbling Tremains. (Zoe to Simon): Anything you want to add Doctor? (Simon and Wash look at each other and say together): Clowns.

Scene: (Arrive Mal’s cell. Marko is taking off Mal’s cuffs. We get the impression that Marko has been talking the whole way. Mal is nodding and smiling in all the right places.) (Marko): You know, the wife’s whole family is great, even my mother-in-law. (To a guy in the cell next to Mal) Hey, Doc, how ya doing? (Doc): Pretty good, Marko, how about you? (Marko): Great. I never had a bad day. (Laughs) No, you won’t get any bad mother-in-law jokes out of me. Well, here you are. If you have any questions, a guard will pass by every few minutes. Just ask away. Everyone here is pretty helpful. I don’t know how much time you’ve spent behind bars, but I’ll bet this place rates the best. We take a lot of pride in being the best. And the food is great. Have you had lunch yet. (Mal shakes his head, Marko glances at his watch.) Ah, you missed it. I’ll see if I can snag you anything. (To Doc): What was for lunch, Doc? (Doc): Chicken pot pie. (Marko, happy): I love Chicken pot pie. (He leaves.) (Mal to Marko): Thanks. (Mal glances around, typical prison cell; a hand reaches out from the other cell …) (Doc): Howdy. I’m Randall Howe. (Mal): Doc? (Doc): Doctor Randall Howe. Now you’re wondering what would get a doctor put away. Not much on New Bethlehem: (Mal): I noticed. (Doc): This place is the best part New Bethlehem anyway and it looks like I’ll be spending a big part of my life here. 10 years. What are you in for? (Mal): I got 30 days for littering. 10 years. For what? (Doc): Just trying to take care of my patients. Birth control among a zillion other things is illegal here. I had a supplier, we got caught. My patients left me to rot. (Mal): You ever try to get out of here? (Doc): No, this place is a fortress. I would if I could, leave this sorry moon and never look back. I got nothing left here. No patients, no family. I had a girl but she even broke up with me. 30 days for littering? This will feel like a vacation. Why are you talking about trying to get out? (Mal): I just don’t like to be confined. (Doc): Marko’s right, you know, the food is great. The cook is in the other cell next to me. He’s also my partner in crime. (Mal, shocked look, raised eyebrows): Shu muh? (I beg your pardon.) Patrick Badger? (Doc): Yeah, you know Patrick? (Mal): His brother told me to say hi. Is he over there? (Doc): No, he won’t be back from serving the guards lunch for awhile yet. (Mal): Can you let me know when he shows? I’d like to talk to him. (Doc, curious): Sure (Mal, under his breath): Everything is going so well. (Louder) Hey Doc, ever hear of Whitefall?

Scene - (Montage of several shots: Inara and Book gathering stuff from a pawn shop. Junior and Simon setting up a futuristic tent and bleachers. Jayne and Zoe setting up targets. Costumes strung out on a line. Kaylee and River looking on the cortex. Tent on New Bethlehem with Serenity in background. Wash and Zoe showing the Commissioner around, looking around tent, introduced to Book, looking through costumes. Inara practicing on the dulcimer, The Tumbling Tremains tumbling. Commissioner nodding. Shot of smiling Wash holding the permit with big red stamp “APPROVED”. )

Scene – (In Serenity’s kitchen. It’s early in the morning. We can tell by the mussed hair, sleepy eyes, some still in PJ’s, yawns. The baby is standing on the table by Holly and is in a very good mood playing peek-a-boo with Zoe. Zoe is really enjoying the baby and Wash looks on thoughtfully as he pours coffee. A loud signal starts emitting from the bridge.) (Holly): What’s that! (Wash, puzzled.): The door bell. (He sets down his coffee and runs to the bridge, Zoe and Kaylee on his heels. He snaps some buttons and …) (Man on video): Firefly class registration JW644456463, prepare to be boarded by Alliance Commander Williams. (Wash clicks some more buttons and video zooms out and we see the area outside of the cargo bay where 5 Alliance solders are standing, one talking into the video.) (Wash): Gou zao de! (This can’t get any worse!) (Kaylee): What do we do? Can we run? (Wash): Don’t see how. Engines are cold. Can we take them? (Zoe): Who knows how many others. They travel in packs. We’ll have to let them in and see what they want. (To Wash) Talk to them. (To Kaylee) Tell Simon and River to, to, hide. (Wash speaking into video): One moment please. We’re just waking up here. Thank you.

Scene – (Commander Williams, Wash, Zoe, and 4 other Alliance solders in Serenity cargo bay.) (Wash, stammering): But, but we weren’t prepared for an extra show. (Williams): I have 97 troops in need of some entertainment. You know, they don’t even have whores on this moon. These troops have been … I can’t tell you that, but suffice to say in your service. It’s your patriotic duty to do the extra show. (Wash): But this is family entertainment, sir. Your troops will be bored. (Williams): Hell, your pretty girls could just stand there for 2 hours and these boys would be entertained. (Zoe): But we don’t have a permit for 8day … (Williams, holds up permit with big red “APPROVED” stamp.): I already paid for the permit. And I took that out of your fee. Here’s the rest. (He hands money and permit to Wash.) We’ll be here at 8. (Zoe): But sir, the fireworks are at nine. Can we do the show after? At ten? (Williams): Ten to twelve? That’s too late. My guys have to be up early to go to … well I can’t tell you that either. Just know that these fine young Alliance solders are putting themselves on the line for you. An earlier show would be OK, from six to eight. Then everyone can get settled for the fireworks at nine. It’s done then. See you tonight at six. I’m really looking forward to the show. (He turns and leaves and we fade with shocked looks from Zoe & Wash.)

Scene – (Serenity Players perform.) (Book has opening sermon. Think Sunday morning militarily service.) (Jayne to Zoe in wings): He really is a preacher. How you figure? (Jayne and Zoe are dressed like cowboys, pretty much like normal. They perform sharp shooter and knife throwing act. Think Buffalo Bill and Annie Oakley.) (River is dressed like a ballerina with a tragedy drama mask. She dances. Think Summer Glau on Angel.) (Inara plays the dulcimer. Think pretty Inara and the Aran Boat Song.) (Wash, looking over the entranced Alliance audience, to Zoe): The Commander was right. I think she could just stand there for two hours. (Kaylee is dressed like Sergeant Pepper.) Kaylee: Ya all look tired of sitting there. I got it! Everyone stand up. (Audience stands. She sings.) You put your right hand in, you take your right hand out, you put your right hand in and you shake it all about … (Wash and Simon are Clowns. Simon has big glasses and a fake beard. Think Freddie the Freeloader for Wash and Simon as his apprentice.) (The Tumbling Tremains perform. Think your favorite circus tumbling act.) (Everyone on stage, Kaylee leads all in Amazing Grace.) (Book rushes closing prayers.) Book: … May God forgive our indiscretions and be with us all in our travels. Amen.

Scene: (Montage of several shots: Wash and Inara shaking hands and shooing off very happy Alliance troops, others in the background sneaking and tearing down tent and bleachers, literarily throwing things in to Serenity’s cargo bay and going back for more. Serenity takes off. Meanwhile, in the prison dinner hall, guards and prisoners laughing, talking, eating and drinking. Mal sneaking through prison, down halls, finding alarm console, holds breath, cuts wires, nothing happens, smiles and continues. Mal sneaking back. People leaving the dinner hall. Mal, Patrick, & Howe climbing on chairs on tables in empty dinner hall, breaking glass, climbing to the roof. Fireworks. Serenity hovering, cables dangling. Patrick grabs one cable, Mal and Howe, grab the other. Serenity flies off with 3 guys hanging on for dear life. Kaylee operating pulley device. Mal, Patrick & Howe climbing in to Serenity’s cargo bay.) (Mal with a big grin, looking around). This mess can’t even dampen my spirits today. (Then, confused look). Really, what happened here? (Kaylee): Really, you don’t want to know.

Scene – ( Serenity kitchen. Mal, Wash, Zoe, Kaylee, and Inara gathered together.) (Mal): I can’t get over it. We freed Badger’s brother and even got a doctor for Patience. She’ll pay well for that. (Glances around at Patrick, Howe, Jayne, Simon, Book, River and the Tremains all laughing and talking, spread throughout the kitchen). Things went so smooth. (Wash, Zoe, Kaylee, Inara, look at one another, roll their eyes, and walk away). (Mal, oblivious, puts his hands behind his head.) Yep, goood day.

The End.