I very much liked the emotion of this piece but felt the reiteration of "gone gone" in River's stream of consciousness feels overdone, better to have just said "gone" once each time it is repeated. The other thing I noted was that gone is not gone because though you say right at the beginning 'everyone eventually left and was gone' (was being past tense)this is obviously not the case because everyone but Inara appears to still be there as becomes apparent from River going off to find the Captain and knowing where he would be. Apart from that I really enjoyed this brief sojourn with our most troubled and gifted crewmember. Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Well done! It's not an easy thing to open yourself up to even constructive criticism when you write something that is a part of yourself. You're a brave one.

I, too, favor the "Gone gone" sentiment in this brief from your manuscript. I believe it might be improved upon with a bit of punctuation here and throughout the entire segment. You might consider, "Gone...gone..." or "Gone, gone..." or "Gone, gone." Since this excerpt literally addresses what is occuring inside of River's mind--her thinking/cognitive processes--the terminology is extremely appropriate and well-drawn. Most folks don't deliberate in entire sentences in their minds, but rather think in excerpts or repeated words that apply to their state of being.

Knowing this is a draft, one might presume that your segment is laid out without consideration of paragraph or punctuation. In case this is how you would like to keep it in its final form, I believe it would be better separated into two or three paragraphs. In its present form, it is rather a run-on paragraph.

Punctuation is important for the reader, even though the brief is a connotation of River's inner-thinking.

Toward the end when you address what others are thinking of Inara's leaving, it's not quite clear as to whether the brief has switched from 1st person to 3rd person--is River 'thinking' about what Inara is thinking? Or have you switched to 3rd person and are addressing, as the writer, Inara's feelings over leaving?

All in all, I think you have a great deal of talent. Your potential is very good. I would definitely love reading a book that you have written. It's obvious that you have put a great deal of thought into the inner-workings of another's mind, and I believe you have absolutely succeeded in imparting this fabulously to the reader.

I shall be looking you up to read more of your interesting literature! Keep up the wonderful work! Many blessings to you and yours,

Magee

River is REALLY difficult to write for, but you done good.