BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL

IWANTOMARRYWASH

Mal's Heart
Sunday, December 18, 2011

A short 100 word blurb on how mal see's Serenity. thanks for all the suport adn feedback is welcome. :) <3


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 754    RATING: 9    SERIES: FIREFLY

She's tore up plenty, but she'll fly true. That was the first thing he ever thought of her. It was love, true love, when he saw her for the first time. She was the only place after the war, he could ever feel was his home. The only place he could ever find his true serenity. Get a crew, people who care bout' each other.

Find that gohram soldier Zoe. Find a piolet, needs to be faster'n hell. Maybe a cook damn good one too. Mehanic to get her going again. Live like real people, just us and the black!

COMMENTS

Sunday, December 18, 2011 8:15 AM

2X2


Hey there!
First of all, the piece has a good tone and conveys Mal's feelings about Serenity, good job.

There are a few things that could be fixed about it though, so I'm gonna give you a quick and dirty mini-beta here since you asked for feedback. :)

Your use of the "She's tore up plenty, but she'll fly true" quote doesn't really work for me as the first thing he ever though of Serenity, as this is Zoe's metaphor to Mal about how she's doing at the end of the movie - she's not just talking about the ship there, she's talking about herself - so taking it and putting it as the first thought Mal's ever had about Serenity doesn't really fit.

"It was love, true love, when he saw her for the first time." ~ Perfect. :)

"She was the only place after the war, he could ever feel was his home. The only place he could ever find his true serenity." ~ if you're going to use the comma in the first sentence, you should use one to separate the whole 'after the war' phrase. Also, this really could be one sentence with a semi-colon, i.e. "She was the only place, after the war, he could ever feel was his home; the only place he could ever find his true serenity."

"Get a crew, people who care bout' each other." ~ you switch tense here, and go from talking about Mal seeing Serenity in the past, to getting a crew now, in the present. It would work if it was a flashback of Mal's thoughts, in which case use of italics or some other differentiating style would let the reader know that. I would definitely move it from the end of this paragraph to the start of the next one. And bout' should be 'bout, the apostrophe is representing the letter you are dropping, in this case the 'a'

"Find that gohram soldier Zoe." 'gohram' is spelled 'gorram'. I'm not sure why Mal would refer to Zoe as 'that gorram soldier' as 'gorram' generally means 'god damned' and doesn't work for me in how Mal thinks of Zoe.

"Find a piolet, needs to be faster'n hell." Piolet is spelled Pilot.

"Maybe a cook damn good one too." This needs at least a comma after 'cook' if not a semi-colon.

"Mehanic to get her going again." Mehanic should be Mechanic.

"Live like real people, just us and the black!" That sums it up :)

So, there's a few things for you to think about. A spell check before you post is a must to catch those little errors.

Keep at it! You're doing good, and you'll only get better the more you write!

Sunday, December 18, 2011 9:26 AM

CANTTAKESKY


I love it.

Sunday, December 18, 2011 3:54 PM

IWANTOMARRYWASH


thank for the criticizem and my microsoft words otto spell check decided to have a tude so sorry 'bout that :)

Monday, December 19, 2011 1:54 AM

2X2


No worries, just something to keep in mind :) And I hope it's constructive criticism for you! Definitely keep writing!

Monday, December 19, 2011 4:53 AM

IWANTOMARRYWASH


it is thx :)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011 2:06 PM

EBFIDDLER


Glad to see you're keeping at it, Iwtmw, and writing more Firefly. I second 2x2's points. Constructive feedback is really helpful. :-) Keep writing and keep flying!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011 8:11 PM

IWANTOMARRYWASH


:)I will :)


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