BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - DRAMA

VALERIEBEAN

Back on Their Feet, Part 4/10
Sunday, June 14, 2009

Need to Connect - Kaylee confronts Jayne about his isolationist behavior. Cole and Michael have a brother-to-brother moment. Genny and Kaylee have mother-daughter bonding time. A few moments to make you smile, but you'll still need tissues. 24 years post-BDM. Canon pairings.


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2374    RATING: 10    SERIES: FIREFLY

A.N. - To catch up, start at Part 1 and follow the links back here.

PART 4 – Need to connect

The air was chilly, but it carried the mouth-watering smell of fresh baked bread, and Kaylee knew why Jayne and Emily had walked so far to get here. Jayne wouldn’t be so quiet if the Captain smacked him upside the head more often, but apparently that wasn’t happening. She’d debated with herself before following Jayne out, trying to decide if this was the time, but she didn’t see any reason to let this isolationism go on. At Genny and Cole’s wedding, she’d let Jayne be, because Simon kept telling her it was enough that he’d shown up. But they weren’t gathered today for a happy occasion, and she didn’t see how speaking her mind could make things any worse.

Jayne and Emily sat at a small table by the window eating their sandwiches. Emily looked a little more relaxed now that they’d left the hospital, but Jayne always looked sickly to Kaylee these days. He’d dropped so much weight since Sky died – it was one of the reasons Mal put him in the hospital.

Kaylee walked in, ordered herself a sandwich, and went over to their table. “Mind if I join you?”

“Sure!” Emily smiled at her, and then jumped up to grab a chair. Jayne smiled as he watched Emily, but didn’t lift his eyes to look at Kaylee. She touched his arm, but he flinched and pulled back. That was as far as Kaylee got before Emily came back to the table. The girl was lively and spirited, and she went on for ten minutes about some laser site that she’d seen in a shop window on the way here. Kaylee got lost in the chatter and ten minutes turned to thirty before she knew it. Emily had grown so much, and she was at that age where she really needed a mother. Little Zoë had had Kaylee, Inara, River, and Sky all coming ‘round her and taking up the mantle, but Emily didn’t have that. She had Inara and Mal looking in on her from time-to-time and her father hanging on by a thread. After all those years Jayne had been there for her and her kids, Kaylee suddenly felt like it was her letting him down by not staying close enough to help raise Emily.

The conversation lulled as Emily looked at her empty plate. Jayne was still picking slowly through his food.

“Papa, can I go to the chocolate shop?” Emily asked, boldly and directly.

“Yeah,” Jayne said easily, reaching into his pocket for a wad of cash. “Get enough to share.”

“Thanks, Papa.”

“And nothing with mint!” Jayne called after her. Sky always used to say that mint with chocolate was unnatural. Jayne watched Emily go, smiled briefly at Kaylee, then remembered he didn’t want to be doing that and took a large gulp from his drink.

“Are you gonna talk to anyone besides Emily?” Kaylee challenged, a little more irritably than she meant to. Jayne ignored her. “I know you think she’s all you got left, but it ain’t so. Little Zoë – you’ve always been like a second father to her. She was so jealous when Emily was born.”

Kaylee waited. Jayne sighed and peeked at her apologetically.

“My kids, too, were always looking up to you. They miss hearing from you. We see you talking to Emily and we’re glad you’ve still got some bit of happiness in your life,” Kaylee bit her lip and gathered her nerves so she could say what needed saying. “I gotta admit that I’m selfish about this and I’m waitin’ for my turn. When are you gonna talk to me again, Jayne? When are you gonna say my name?”

She looked hard at him, tears stinging in her eyes, and he looked back. His eyes seemed so hollow and lost, and when he stood up from the table, Kaylee slumped in defeat. She buried her face in her hands and cried into her food until she felt a nudge on her shoulder. Silently, Jayne sat down across from her again, and handed her a pile of napkins. The offering completely undid her. They sat quietly, him watching her cry, and when she found her voice, she spoke again.

“Jamie keeps getting taller,” she said with a half-hearted chuckle. “He gets that from you, I think. That and the swearing.”

Jayne huffed and his lips curled into a rue smile. Jamie cussed twice as much as Jayne, and he was creative about it too. Wash used to be the same way. If he was of a mind to, Wash could swear every other sentence for a week and never repeat a curse, and Wash was not a laconic man, so that was saying a lot. Jayne used to deflect responsibility for Jamie’s mouth by saying Wash’s ghost had possessed the boy. Kaylee put her hand on Jayne’s arm, and this time he didn’t pull away.

“Won’t you say something?” Kaylee begged.

Jayne looked away from her, to the walls, to the ceiling, and out the window, like he was searching in a pool of hurt for any piece of his heart that wasn’t shredded. Just when Kaylee had given up, his voice surfaced.

“Li’l Kaylee.” He stopped a moment, unable to choke out anything else. His eyes were dry, but only because he’d run out of tears early that morning. His chin quivered and he closed his hand over Kaylee’s.

“All I think about is her.”

Kaylee’s breath quickened. Overwhelmed by both joy and sadness, she squeezed his hand. “So talk about her. Do you think no one wants to listen?”

Jayne sat there a moment, breaking the toothpick on his plate into tiny little pieces, then his face twisted and his lips screwed up and he covered his face with his one hand, all the while keeping the other hand clenched around Kaylee’s so tightly she had to bite her lip to keep from screaming.

“Papa?” Emily said softly, looking horrified as she came back to the table with her box of chocolates. She ran to Jayne’s side, and pressed his face to her chest, keeping him in a protective embrace. The tension in Jayne’s face melted quickly as he forced the hurt into hiding for his daughter’s sake.

“I’m okay, bao bao,” Jayne assured, wrapping his arms around Emily. “We were just talking about Momma.”

Kaylee ducked her head shamefully away from Emily’s accusing glare, but then Jayne reached out and slid the pile of napkins in front of her again and squeezed her hand, and she knew he saw her. For now, that was enough.

*~*

It was a quiet closet, and Cole wasn’t supposed to be in it, but he wanted to be alone and he had too much family walking through the hospital to sit any place conventional. The cement floor was cold and smooth and the walls were lined with shelves and cleaning supplies, so there was nowhere to lean. The window in the back suggested that this room was an office converted for storage, and the setting sun cast an orange glow on the room, though it was nearly lost by the harsh white lights.

He expected Genny to come find him eventually, but she was catching up with her mom now. Genny had always been close with her mom, and Cole was jealous of that. He’d never felt close to his parents. They didn’t worry after him the way they worried after Zoë and Michael. They didn’t have to. He was healthy. He could take care of himself. His ailments were the typical little boy ailments – a concussion or a broken bone – and usually it was Uncle Jayne that checked him first or it were really serious, Genny would get her dad to patch him up. Cole knew his parents loved him, he just wished …

Even now, it seemed he was here as part of the check-list. It hurt sometimes, to be the last one anyone saw. He loved his sister dearly, but when she opened her eyes, he wouldn’t be the first person she reached out for. And if she never opened her eyes again, he’d missed his chance to say good-bye. They couldn’t hold off the surgery for one more hour for him to get there. Sure, that hour could mean life or death for Zoë, but that didn’t stop it from hurting. He understood. He always understood.

A tear rolled down Cole’s cheek, but he sniffed and wiped it away. If it were only Zoë the tears were for, he’d have let them fall, but he knew he was wallowing over something he’d cried about enough times in his life, and he told himself he wasn’t going to let this hurt him anymore. It was enough that Genny loved him and that Uncle Jayne still talked to him, even though he hardly looked at anyone else. And his family loved him in their own way, even if they didn’t show it like he wanted. If it were him on the table and not Zoë, he knew they’d all still be here. But he wondered if they’d all be wishing that they new him a little better or if they thought they knew everything already.

Cole wiped his nose with the back of his hand and reached for a role of paper towels from the shelf so he could dry his face. The paper was coarse, and irritatingly unabsorbent. He took a deep breath, dried his soul of tears, and thought about finding a real chair to sit on before his butt went completely numb. He was surprised to hear the door open, and he turned his face away to hide the fact that he’d been crying. He expected the hospital staff telling him he couldn’t be here, or Genny coming to reclaim him. He wasn’t prepared for Michael.

His little brother entered the room without a word, lay on the floor next to Cole, and rested his head in Cole’s lap. It was weird thinking of Michael as a grown man, because Cole only ever saw the kid he’d grown up with, and Michael laying on him was not so unusual. Michael’s ear was bleeding, but not too badly. He had scars from when he was little and would scratch out his earpiece when things got too loud. He’d gotten into the habit of turning the thing off when he needed to, and Cole figured that was why he never went for the more technologically advanced, harder to break, impossible to turn off ear implant.

Tearing off another paper towel, Cole dabbed at the blood on Michael’s ear and assessed the damage to the earpiece. Baba always yelled at Michael when he broke the thing, and Cole had performed a number of minor repairs as they were growing up so he could keep his little brother out of trouble. It was getting harder to do now that he was older and his fingers were bigger, but Cole had a tiny set of tweezers on his pocket knife. The simple task of repairing the hearing aid made him feel useful and, when Michael didn’t get up immediately after, made him feel wanted.

“How’s work?” Cole asked, leaning back on his hands.

“Fine,” Michael mumbled sullenly, rubbing the fabric of Cole’s pants between his fingers. Michael’s face was rough with the beard he’d neglected to shave and his hair was unwashed and askew. Whereas Cole was tall and lean, Michael was short and husky, with muscles layered so thickly, no one dared mess with him. Cole hadn’t expected much conversation from his brother, considering that he’d scratched out his hearing aid, but Cole was opposed to small talk. When he asked a question, he wanted a real answer. He pressed his thumb under Michael’s shoulder blade and massaged in small circles until Michael squirmed and relaxed some.

“How’s work?” he asked again.

Michael sighed and rolled onto his back, looking up at his brother. “Weird.”

Cole waited quietly for more. He knew from experience that the more questions he asked, the shorter the answers became and he was already starting at one-word answers.

Michael looked sideways and pursed his lips. “The way we grew up – I can’t tell anymore if that’s the way of the ‘verse or if it’s just the life our parents chose.”

Cole nodded. Michael had always been sheltered from the truth of what happened to them growing up. He’d had Cole standing between him and the harsh reality. Cole had had Zoë, Zoë had had their parents. One by one, those layers had stripped away, and now Michael was seeing the ‘verse for what it was.

“I’ve survived more hardships than men twice my age,” Michael continued. “I see you and Genny choosing a different kind of life, and I wonder if you’re ignoring reality, or if there really are people who live without … killing.”

Cole’s stomach tightened as he searched for a way to tell his brother that his life was not as virtuous as it seemed from the outside.

“Maybe it’s an ugly truth that all the fanciful bits of life that are safe and whole are built on the broken backs of mercenaries like me,” Michael said. “Maybe it doesn’t have to be that way. But if it doesn’t, why would anyone choose it?”

Cole looked at the ceiling, searching for the words he wanted to say and not knowing where to find them. He glanced down again when Michael laughed softly.

“It’s funny how you think in French,” Michael said with an amused smile. “You’re getting good at it.”

“I don’t want you knowing what I have to say before I’ve figured it out,” Cole said. He knew most thoughts didn’t have a language, but he made a point of not thinking in English or Chinese when he talked to himself.

Michael smiled again and looked away. “I’m glad you made it before… before she…”

Died. Michael couldn’t finish the sentence and Cole didn’t want him to.

“Did she talk to you?” Cole asked.

Michael shook his head. “They drugged her into such a stupor. It’s a miracle I found her at all.”

Cole pressed his lips together, feeling the pain that his brother refused to speak. “She asked you to say goodbye, didn’t she?”

Michael’s face screwed up and he rolled onto his side again so he wouldn’t be choked by his own tears. Nodding miserably, he buried his face in Cole’s lap and Cole leaned over him protectively, whispering the words to the prayer that Mama always prayed over Michael. It was a prayer for clarity and peace of mind, and somehow, it was the only thing that seemed right to say.

*~*

Kaylee lay on the grass next to Genny, watching the sky turn red as the sun set. It was cold, and they’d gotten a little wet when the sprinklers came on by the garden at twilight, but the fresh air was nice. Jayne was watching the surgery again, and Emily was picking broodingly through the chocolates, not willing to leave her father’s side. She did offer a piece to anyone who passed, though she still got a little somber around Genny, and Genny took it to heart. Kaylee and her daughter were a lot alike in that respect. Cole had disappeared somewhere to be by himself, so Kaylee had pulled her daughter aside and now they were lying on the grass outside, shivering, but appreciating the bonding time.

“It feels like we’ve been separated forever,” Genny was saying. “Me and Cole were off in our own little world, first planning the wedding, then having the wedding. I saw everyone there, but even then felt like I hardly got to talk to anyone.”

“Weddings can be like that,” Kaylee said sympathetically.

Genny paused, found an acorn on the ground, and threw it up in the air. Kaylee batted the acorn away when it nearly fell on her face.

“Poor Emily. It didn’t even occur to me that she was scared of losing her dad again.”

“Me neither,” Kaylee allowed, though now she recalled Inara mentioning something. “She was still little when the crew disbanded. She doesn’t remember us like we remember her. I think that’s partly Jayne’s doing, hardly talking to anyone.”

“He talks,” Genny said.

Kaylee looked sideways at her daughter and said firmly, “Scolding you does not count as talking.”

“It’s not me. He talks to Cole sometimes,” Genny said reflectively. “Apparently ten minutes before our wedding, Uncle Jayne pulled him aside and gave him a crash course in properly sexing a woman.”

“He didn’t!” Kaylee said, bursting with amusement, pushing up to her elbows. How had she missed this tidbit?!

“I only found out the other day when we got to Boros,” Genny explained. “There was this post card waiting for us that said ‘a few more positions I forgot to mention,’ and had some stick figure drawings. Cole won’t tell me what else was said between ‘em, but from what he’s tried so far, that must’ve been one hell of a lesson.”

Kaylee and Genny shared a deep-hearted laugh. Kaylee loved that her daughter hadn’t inherited Simon’s prudish propriety when it came to talking about sex.

“I told Cole we should get him a teaching job at the Guild,” Genny continued, folding her arm to pillow her head. “That man knows something about sex.”

“You know, he offered me and your dad a threesome as a wedding present,” Kaylee recalled.

“And you turned him down?” Genny asked jokingly.

“We all make mistakes,” Kaylee said, smiling so hard at the memory her cheeks hurt. “He kept the offer on the table until him and Sky got married. He pulled me aside real serious-like and apologetic.”

They both laughed again, and let the silence fall. Genny sighed wistfully.

“Cole talks to him more ‘n his own dad,” Genny confessed, as though it was a sin Mal and Cole weren’t close. “He gets that face-time, you know, and he doesn’t have to fight as hard to get it. I think … we had our own little world on Serenity – me and Cole. We were always reaching out to the other kids, trying to get them to join us, but more often than not, it was only ever us.”

Kaylee’s hand fell over her heart and she felt it breaking with guilt. “You four were thick as thieves growing up.”

“I know,” Genny said, her voice quivering and tight. “Cole … it just takes him longer to see what he’s got. He talks like no one notices him, but Zoë’s been on him for months to come campaign with her. She can write, but everyone knows that when Cole talks, the worlds move. He’s the only one who hasn’t figured it out yet. Now, it looks like he may never.”

“Don’t say such things,” Kaylee insisted. “I always tell you kids – expect the miracle. Anticipate and facilitate.”

Genny said the words with her, but they felt empty.

“Zoë will pull through,” Kaylee said firmly. “And when she does, she’ll need Cole more than ever.”

Genny sighed, but didn’t argue. “Speaking of miracles, how’s Aunt River?”

“She’ll be off her feet for a few weeks,” Kaylee said, trying to deflect the conversation.

“She’s not off ‘em now,” Genny said. “I stopped by her room and she wasn’t there.”

*~*

Please comment before reading on to Part 5 - Fear of Losing

COMMENTS

Monday, June 15, 2009 12:11 AM

AMDOBELL


I'm hoping that Kaylee has broken the ice with Jayne and that he will slowly start opening up again and realise he can talk about Sky, that life does go on and that there are people who really care about him that need him in their lives. I also hope Mal finds out how much Cole is inwardly hurting in not being closer so that the family can put that right. I don't think anyone meant to block him out it is just in families some children seem to get more attention than others. It still feels wrong that they aren't all together on Serenity any more, the ship nuturing each and every one of them in ways even being family didn't quite manage. Ali D
"You can't take the sky from me!"

Monday, June 15, 2009 2:24 AM

JANE0904


When one of a set of children is ill, it makes it difficult for the parents to apportion attention evenly, and with two children have problems it can be very hard for any healthy siblings. I think you've shown Cole's pain very effectively, and I hope that in your coming chapters you have a lot more healing going on than just little Zoe.

Monday, June 15, 2009 4:23 PM

KATESFRIEND


So much pain and so much need of healing all around. It's as if Jayne is being remorseful for everyone he has ever killed, not just Sky. Poor Cole. No wonder some kids get in trouble just for the extra attention. Love your description of the pain, and hope they all find the love and wisdom to heal.


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