River was washing dishes when Jayne came in to clean his guns. River liked washing dishes. A simple task for a normal person. She was glad now that Mal trusted her enough not to break things and lose control. She was better. Nearly. Able to live and breathe and act like a normal young woman. Able to play pranks like the others and be called mischievous, not childish. Able to be. Just be. Jayne reached across her for a cup, filled it with coffee, and set to cleaning, filling the room with the scent of gun oil. He hocked loudly and she glowered at him, feeling the grate in her own throat reflecting his memory. He was thinking of her again. Thinking of that time she’d beat him up and Simon put her to sleep. Thinking of the quiet after. Remembering how Mal scooped her up and carried her back to the ship with him limping behind. River hated that he saw her so helpless. She hated that he thought of her at all, but it always seemed right on the surface of his mind these days. And he always saw her helpless. Times when she was out of control. Out of her mind. Vulnerable. And she loathed it. She quickly averted her mind, trying to find images that weren’t her in a box. Her in the Infirmary. Her ripping labels off soup cans. Stupid Jayne! Clean your guns somewhere else! Jayne spilled his gun oil and swore loudly. River tossed him a damp rag, smirking at his self-criticism. A minute later, Kaylee skipped into the dining room, all smiles, glowing from fresh sex. She shimmied up next to River, bumped her hips cheerfully, and chattered as she helped dry and put away the dishes. Kaylee was always chatty after sex. Simon was always sleeping. Those two had so much sex these days, River was almost bored by it. She was glad to offer advice though, mostly because it totally embarrassed Simon when she told him what she knew. He’d run screaming most times, but he listened, and he was getting much better at pleasing Kaylee. A fact which impacted River more that she cared to admit. But such was her life now. It had been so confusing the first time River felt Zoë and Wash having sex. She’d been hit with waves of emotion that sent shivers through her body. It wasn’t the first time she’d experienced sex as a reader. (Even at the Academy, the doctors engaged in occasional broom closet naughtiness.) But Wash and Zoë was the first time she’d experienced sex driven by love. Pure, overflowing, abounding love. She missed that. She yearned for that. She often wondered what it would be like to be physically involved, and not just a mental bystander. But it was weird for her, knowing how protective Simon was and how difficult it would be to find a partner. It was weird because although she was a virgin, it didn’t feel like her first time. It wasn’t just Simon and Kaylee – there was so much self-pleasuring going on that River already felt like she’d sexed the entire crew. Much as she tried to stay out of their business, they tended to think very loudly in that regard. “River, whatcha daydreaming about?” Kaylee prodded cheerfully, nudging River into the conversation. River sighed and Kaylee knowingly shared the grin. “Hey, stay out of my sex life,” Kaylee joked, coming teasingly nose-to-nose. River laughed, but then rolled her eyes as Jayne leered at the two, letting loose a stray thought of girl-on-girl action. “Just trying to help,” River answered coyly. Jayne grunted uncomfortably and stood. “Y’all wanna play cards?” “Sure,” Kaylee grinned at the same time River said “No.” Kaylee threw an arm around River and directed her toward the table. “Yes you do.” “No,” River repeated emphatically, not wanting to spend the next hour in the room with Jayne. “Yes. You do.” Kaylee said more firmly, her adamancy confusing River. “Get the cards, Jayne. We’ll make snacks.” Jayne gathered his guns with uncertain anticipation and went to his bunk to exchange them for cards. When he was safely out of earshot, River turned to Kaylee, her shoulders hunched. “I don’t want to play cards with Jayne,” she whined. “Why not, sweetie?” River looked to the hallway, then back at Kaylee. “He always sees me helpless.” “How do you mean?” “Like that time on Ariel when I was dead and he watched over me. I don’t want to see that.” “Oh,” Kaylee cooed, putting a comforting arm around her. “What about underneath that?” “What?” River asked, startled. Kaylee’s question made sense to her as a reader, but Kaylee wasn’t a reader, so River wasn’t quite sure she meant what she’d asked. “You ever wonder why Jayne sees you that way?” River’s lips curled in disgust and she shook her head. Kaylee laughed teasingly. “And here I thought you were a mind reading genius! You are just as clueless as your brother.” A confusing flood of questions rushed over River, but no words formed. Kaylee leaned to her ear and whispered. “Don’t you know, silly. Jayne’s crazy about you.” River’s jaw dropped, but before she could respond, Jayne re-entered, card deck in hand, flashing the most gracious of smiles. “You alright, girl?” he asked, concerned by the perplexed look on her face. River quickly swallowed the confusing array of emotions racing through her mind and nearly choked as Kaylee clapped her back. “She’s fine,” Kaylee answered gleefully. Jayne nodded, but kept an eye on her as she sat down at the table. She kept an eye on him too. “I’m not helpless,” River informed Jayne seriously. He raised an eyebrow, immediately picturing her standing over a pile of corpsified Reavers. “I know that.” But this time, instead of retreating from his thoughts, River lingered. He was turned on by the memory and it churned her stomach to know. Not far beyond that, Jayne saw himself paralyzed in the Infirmary, looking as she leaned in and threatened to kill him with her brain. He chuckled at the memory and she smiled as she shared it. It’d been an empty threat, but he’d believed her at the time, and it scared the willies out of him. River picked up the cards one at a time as he dealt them, and on the last one, their hands accidentally grazed. Jayne froze, his eyes connecting with hers for a split second. “No reading now,” he warned. “Think softer,” she retorted teasingly, picking up the last card. Occasionally during the game, she’d peek over the cards at him, admiring the way his face screwed up when he concentrated really hard. His head wasn’t in the game any more than hers. He kept picturing her helpless. But behind every vision of her, Jayne saw himself – his new, post-Miranda self – wanting to be her knight in shining armor. If she’d gone a little deeper, she’d have seen it long ago. Jayne was crazy about her … and she really was a boob.