A/N: This is set immediately after "Safe," with a few of my own assumptions about the Tam family thrown in. While it is not exactly a songfic, it is very heavily inspired by the Goo Goo Dolls song entitled "Acoustic #3." I don't own the song, the characters, or the verse, but I like to play around with them; no money exchanged hands. Song lyrics appear at the end for interested parties. _________________________________________________ Simon wonders when it was that he knew. When the letters stopped coming? When she started writing again but stopped making sense? No. It was long before that. He may not have been a reader himself, but he had felt, deep in his gut, that something was not right. But how could he explain to his proud parents, to his brilliant sister that there was something wrong about her going to that place. That it was not jealousy, or loneliness, or simply his protective brotherly nature. Something was wrong. He couldn’t. So he stood back, and he watched River leave for the Academy. He listened to the tales his father told of all the amazing things she would learn there, and of all the opportunities that would be available for his genius of a daughter. And Simon ignored the pain that hid behind his mother’s eyes—what he had then thought was the face of a mother missing her daughter and what he now knew was the irrevocable guilt of a woman who had sold her soul. Simon thinks about the way River was—he thinks about it every day. How can he see her wandering about the ship, an empty look in her eyes, and not think of the joy and grace with which her feet once danced? How can he hear the snatches of rationality and the random facts that no 17 year old girl should have stored in her brain escape her lips and not remember the amazing speed and agility with which her mind once worked? He looks at River the weapon and sees only River the girl. River that was. River that could be. He sees her hiding inside her own mind, unable to escape. As much as he wants to believe that her thinking processes and memories have been reduced to those of a child, he’s forced to accept the greater horror—all that was is still there. It’s just been fragmented and twisted until it’s no longer recognizable, and maybe never will be again. River that could be can’t escape from River that is, and the girl’s voice is growing fainter and fainter all the time, eclipsed by that of the weapon. Simon remembers his mother’s eyes. He remembers how they became clouded after River went to the Academy. Without knowing it, he saw how the way she looked at his father changed. He didn’t realize it until his father swore he’d never come for his son again, but looking back, Simon guessed he’d seen it all along. His mother’s guilt, his father’s regard for societal position. “I won’t come for you,” the man had said, and in that moment it had all become clear. Simon had seen his father’s climb up the Alliance’s social ladder, even at the cost of his children. He had seen his mother’s silent acquiescence, her helpless shame and remorse, and the tenacity and bitterness of her unforgiveness—both of his father, for what standing by his side had cost her, and of Simon, for his inability to be blind to River’s plight and let his mother’s open wounds turn to scars in peace. Simon wonders if his mother would undo her choice if she knew its price. He wonders if she’s told herself that the choice was not hers for so long it became the truth. He fears he knows the answer. “Daddy will come, and take us home. And I’ll get better.” For all his intelligence and natural medical talent, Simon can’t explain the things that his sister says, not even to himself. Daddy had never come for them, and if anything, River seems to be slipping further and further into the pit of her psychosis. All he can guess is that she is touching remnants of her shattered childhood—trusting in the lie all parents tell that there are no monsters waiting in the darkness, that mommy and daddy will always be there, and that they will always put their children’s best interests first. It doesn’t matter what Simon does—his mei mei is falling. Falling like a cherry blossom caught in a hurricane. He reaches for her with all his might, but to no avail. The wind snatches her out of his grasp and threatens to destroy him with her. Just letting the thought creep into his mind causes cold terror to clutch at his stomach and claw at his chest. What if, for the first time in his life, and in the only time it truly matters, Simon fails? What if River has been swept forever beyond his reach? Does the trying in itself mean anything, if there’s no result to show for it? Kaylee would say it does. Simon isn’t so sure. Simon isn’t so sure of much of anything anymore—only that River is his beautiful sister, and that he cannot the winds take the only thing he has left in the verse, even if that means falling into meaningless oblivion holding her hand. _________________________________________________ They painted up your secrets With the lies they told to you And the least they ever gave you Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go When the world gets in your way What's the point in all this screaming No one's listening anyway

You voice is small and fading And you hide in here unknown And your mother loves your father 'Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go 'Cause the world got in her way What's the point in ever trying Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you And you love the lies they say And I tried so hard to reach you But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you When the world gets in your way What's the point in all this screaming You're not listening anyway

--Acoustic #3 by The Goo Goo Dolls