Fly On Fire
Sunday, March 18, 2007

A Parody. Rated O for Offensive. We watched Objects in Space and The Train Job before bed the other night, and I woke up at 3 AM with this complete in my head. I musta been posessed by the spirit of a Fox exec, it wasn't my fault.


Name's Reynolds. Rap Reynolds, as in Bum Rap Reynolds. Not that I'm a bum. I just carry around this sign says, "Veteran of the War of Independents, Will steal for food. " And the paper cup for folks to put coins in , well--

Mainly it's about that charge on Shadow. I was just a kid. Talk about your bum rap-- that sheep was a damn liar. I was just trying to help it over that fence.Bad rap, that's what it was.

And that thing about losin' the war at Peaceful Valley. That wasn't my fault either. That incindiary went off all by itself. Wasn't my fault it burnt down the Warehouse with all the food in it, so we hadda starve for a month before we surrendered. So I'm thinkin' of changin' my name. Somebody told me that Mal means Bad in Latin. Mal Wrap Reynolds. I kinda like that.

And, o'course they're all callin' it Peaceful Valley now. Ever since that big company built the cemetary and monument there, buried alla them folks got killed. Nothin' much more peaceful than a lotta dead folks. Lowest bidder they was, too. All that gose about them havin' political connections to the Alliance gover'ment, and Blue Sun 'xackly that, gose.

And I think that the high rise hotel and the casino and the housing subdivision are perfectly honorable and respectful of the dead. Why, that shopping mall ain't even built on the battlefield.

That's my ship over there. Even called her Peaceful. She's a fly-on-fire. I don't believe those recall orders the Manufacturer keeps puttin' out, bout how she's a deathtrap, like to explode all of a sudden fer no reason, while yer eatin' dinner er havin a birthday party. And I think it's cute the way her ass end lights up when ya put her in full burn. Kinda like somebody who had too much beer with his burritos for lunch yesterday, the ones with the extra hot salsa on 'em.

That's my crew. The tall gal is Zooey. Called her Zo oncet, and she whacked me with that goofy sawed-off rifle she carries. Ain't worth a damn as a gun, but it looks mighty bad, and it's good fer whackin' people with. Tried to make out her paycheck once on the ship's computer, but I couldn't figger out howta put those little dots over the e. Hadda do it with a felt pen. Spelt it Zoeee once, and she got mighty upset, thought I meant it like Woweee. Not a chance. She's tougher than I am. I'd a made a move on her , she'd a done ME.

The litle guy with her is her husband, JerryLee. Been callin' him that ever since that time outta Triumph. Slipped up 'n called him that, and ever'body liked it. He likes that really old-timey music. And them shirts aren't his fault-- he's color blind-- can't tell the green lights on the panel from the red alarms. He flies the ship. Claims he went to Pilot School. I heard the instructors there. "Take this stuff and Pile it there. Then take that stuff and pile it over here. " He don't ever do much except flip the same 3 switches, nobody knows what the do, not even him, and smack on this big old push button he bolted to the side of the console. Mostly he steers the ship. He used ta play this really impressive music while he did it, and make "woosh" noises, but then we got sued by this John Willliams guy, said impressive music in space was his trademark and we couldn't do that. His lawyer was a guy named Shitner, somethin' like that, used ta fly a spaceship, then become a detective, then a cop, then a lawyer, and he said we couldn't use woosh noises either, they belong to him. So now we don't make no noise when we fly, he just makes goofy faces, and our music is from some banjo players left over from Deliverance, and a bunch of New Age Celtic hippies couldn't get work after Riverdance closed. Wish somebody'd a shot that Shitner dude while he was a cop, the trouble he caused.

The big dude is Jayne, and we figger tha name is exactly right. He's compensatin' fer his real personality with all the macho act and the big guns. Says he's got man parts, but one uh the whores he tried to date say that ain't so, they're little baby parts, and they don't work too good either, with girls. Spends alla his time weight liftin', and showin' off his muscles for the other weight lifters, if ya get what I mean, and braggin' about his muscular buttocks. The old guy says his name is Book. Boy, is that a crappy alias. Musta made it up on the spot. Said he'd been outta state fer a while, needed to walk the world fer a spell, real fast. Figgers he busted outta prison, and was tryin' to escape off world. Says he's a Shepard, but I figger what got him sent up is child molestin'-- he looks and acts like that kind. A little too fond of Jayne, and always tryin to get Rio off somewhere private.

That gal there is our stowaway, Rio Grande. Perfect name fer her. Her brother smuggled her aboard in a big ol' box, all 300 pounds of her. Says she usedta be a dancer, but I think it was as one uh the hippos in Fantasia. He says she ain't all there, I think he means mentally, 'cuz if she ain't physically, I don't wanta know where the rest is. She keeps shootin'people, stealin' guns, stabbin' folk, and talkin' funny. And that's her brother, the guy in the prissy suit. Simon, his name is, but I think it must be Simple Simon. He's so dumb he can't even figger out TayLee is after him, can't even get his pants unzipped. Claims he was in the top 3 percent of his class. Musta been a Special Class, 'cuz he sure ain't too bright.

Them last two, holdin' hands, is TayLee and Inara. TayLee is supposed ta be a mechanic, but all she's good for is bein' a " good sport". She keeps screwin' around in the engine roon, and I don't mean with no nuts-n-bolts and wrenches. I think she moonlights as a teenage nymphomaniac. And she's got these Lesbian tendencies, hangin' around with 'Nara alla the time.

Inara is supposed ta be a genuine Registered Companion ( Trandemark, Reg.), but I don't think so. They're supposed to be real high class. High class, my Pigu. Hell, she painted her shuttle hot pink on the outside and hung strobe lights and chrome all over it-- cheap and flashy. Then she painted a big billboard on the side: "Inara's Outcall Massage. Wave 976-NARA for a good time. " I ask ya, is that classy?

Gotta run, we're supposed ta meet this little pissant named Badger, discuss a job. Ya know him? Little guy with a phony accent and a hat looks and smells like a somebody uses it fer a chamber pot? We're still pissed at him 'cuz he stiffed us once. Hurt our feelin's. Hell , he gave us the job- Hijack a boatload of Alliance toilet paper to sell on the Border Moons. Turns out the stuff was imprinted with heat sensitive ink. Use it, and a picture pops out with a wanted poster and a picture of him. Wasn't my fault. See? Another bum wrap.


Monday, March 19, 2007 12:07 AM


Hmm. yeah, 'cos toilet paper is hi-larious :)

I now have 'Her Name is Rio' in my head. Cheers, buddy.

Monday, March 19, 2007 6:22 AM


Ha!! Okay, that was pretty funny.

- Soul

Monday, March 19, 2007 8:01 AM


Yup. Written at 3 am always works the best! That rocked BTW

Monday, March 19, 2007 10:16 AM


Oh...oh...this was just too friggin' brilliant for my little brain to handle right! You should have more 3AM brain farts, NewOldBrownCoat!



Monday, March 19, 2007 4:08 PM


Wow,I was laughing so hard I could hardly read this.

Monday, April 7, 2008 10:26 AM




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Book's story
HoratioFrog brought this back to my mind. It's been sitting on my HDD, blocked, for over a year. Slightly Alternative Universe-- the BDM had the Shepard not explaining, but somehow the story had to be shared

Got No Title
This came to me complete, as-is. This is all there is. I make no claim of responsibility for my sub-conscious. Probably should be rated R, even though there isn't a PG word in it. It's all in your mind.

Fly On Fire
A Parody. Rated O for Offensive. We watched Objects in Space and The Train Job before bed the other night, and I woke up at 3 AM with this complete in my head. I musta been posessed by the spirit of a Fox exec, it wasn't my fault.

A Swarm of Fireflies
The BDH go to a convention. Disclaimer- This is science fiction, 500 years in the future. Any resemblance to real events or folks is a coincidence.
Besides, I've never been to Burbank.
A little different from my usual stuff- a little more action, a little romance.

The bookend story to my piece Freed Man. Wash during the war.

Inspiration is funny. I'm stumped, stuck in the middle of a longer piece, fighting it. This entire story came to me literally between two sentences of the other.

Iron Mask
The ship gets inspected by the Alliance.

LOST fanfic
Ya know why they call it a Boston whaler? " Tain't from Boston, and tain't a whaler."
So this ain't about LOST, and it ain't fanfic, because it's true.
Bear with me.

Night Alarum
The first fanfic I ever read here featured Kaylee and her lucky wrench. Can't remember the title, or who wrote it, but thanx, whoever. Kaylee WOULD HAVE a lucky wrench, and it figures in the plot here.

Freed man
four little scenes that sorta tell a story. Wash, after the War.

This came to me last year at holiday time. Inspiration works funny. This is all there is. I've worked at it a bit all year, and this is all there is, no more, no less.