BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL

APOLLO231

discovery (1/10
Thursday, December 28, 2006

mal learning he has feelins for river and finden out she already has them for him!


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 1233    RATING: 4    SERIES: FIREFLY

It had been two years since the event on miranda. the crew seemed to getting by slowly but otherwise they were alright.

mal was heading towards the bridge he had been an a grouchy mood latly. zoe had tried to talk to him at dinner but he would not have it. truth be told he was trying to avoid river.

suddenly when he got to the bridge he looked up to see river sitting in the pilots chair smiling up at him. “Gorram it girl what are you doin here? didnt i just leave you ten minutes ago with your overprotective brother? simions all done wanted to be with kaylee! heard you! needed you! mal's all but swallowed his own heart at that, ever since miranda he had been fighten some growing feeling he was gettin for river. what you need an old cap like me for any how? not that old! now what are you goin on about i aint got time for your crazy talk! river just smiled she sat up and stood awfully to close for his liken maken him a bit uncomfortable. cant fight for ever river said staring at him *wo bu dong* what are you rutten talkin about girl what she did then was the last thing he expected she stood up on tiptoes and wrapped her arms around him and looked at him with her big brown eyes and kissed long and hard! mal could literaly feel one of the preachers hells opening up just for him but for some reason he just did not care the kiss lasted for more then ten seconds mal was so caught up in it he did not here the foot steps approach until it was to late! um sir? zoe said hiding an amused grin upon hearing her mal relunctantly peeled river away from him zoe could see he was blushing pretty good which was something new for her captain. almost their river said smiling and gave mal one last kiss but she wondered off towards that catwalk singing. sir zoe said bringing mal attention back to her! simion know about you and river? aint nothin to tell how can i stop what that Gorram girl does? well it really did not look like you wanted to sir? with that zoe left mal on the bridge as he ebegan to swear chinese swear words under his breath.

COMMENTS

Thursday, December 28, 2006 10:10 AM

APOLLO231


would welcome alot of advice on this first time writin something like this let me know so next one can be better.

Thursday, December 28, 2006 9:11 PM

AMDOBELL


You really need a beta. Also the dialogue would be better in "quotes" so that you can easily tell when someone is speaking. The Captain sounds more like Jayne. Every sentence should start with a capital letter and names start with a capital letter. If you are unsure what I mean read some of the other stories and you will see the difference. Ali D
You can't take the sky from me

Thursday, December 28, 2006 9:34 PM

APOLLO231


thanks! this was pretty bad

Saturday, December 30, 2006 9:43 PM

BLUEEYEDBRIGADIER


Well...AMDOBELL already hit the bit issues needing to be addressed...so I think I will try for possible ideas for the sequel;)

Firstly, when and how did Mal come to feel something for River? When did Mal realize he and Inara wouldn't work out? Did Inara leave again for some reason?

Secondly, explore River's internal monologue. We need to understand how River feels about Mal and why decided that she needed to step up and get the ball rolling;)

Finally...do look around for a beta, cuz I see some good stuff buried under some literary slag. Would volunteer myself...but I got other authors hanging as it is for my contributions to their work:(

BEB


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discovery (1/10
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