"A hero cannot be a hero unless in a heroic world." - Nathaniel Hawthorne.

Five times Jayne lost his shirt (and how exactly he felt about it). ana grrl

1. When Little Crazy cut him, sliced his Blue Sun shirt across his chest, he lost a sense in himself of balance. She touched on his sense of safety, scared him. Made the idea of selling them out and going against the Captain’s orders less frightening than what River could do.

2. Before landing on Canton, Jayne tried to tape a gun on to sneak it onto the world. His shirt was tossed by Simon because he left it in the infirmary…Jayne was furious and made sure to smack the back of Simon’s jacket with mud that wouldn’t wash out.

3. Attacking the Skyplex in order to rescue the Captain from torture and death at the hands of Niska, Jayne got clipped along his left side. The shirt was torn and bloodied. He kept the words of the Shepherd in his mind as he led the charge into the Skyplex: If you can’t do something smart, do something right. Didn’t stop the pain of the graze, but it kept him moving forward, knowing the right thing was to get Mal out. Torture ain’t no way for a man to die. Never thought he would find out what it was like to be a hero, not until that moment when a heroic move was what was required.

4. His right shoulder took a round from the Reavers in the attack on Mr. Universe’s station. He felt the tearing burn of the bullet. A moments thought wondering if maybe this would really be it, would this be his last day? The shirt got torn up plenty, but he never stopped firing, knowing he would go down to his last round before giving up. Jayne had found a place to be, a home, a family, and there was no way he was letting something like a bullet aiming to kill him take that away. When Little Crazy stood up and became the woman he had known was there since she sliced him months earlier, he knew he was right.

5. A year later he found out how right he had been when hands unbuttoned a fitted white shirt, pulling the tails from his slacks; hands sure and deft like the umber brown eyes gazing into his. He opened his mouth to speak. Was stopped by a slight narrowing of her eyes. He felt her fingers trail the shirt off his shoulders, leaving his arms still in the sleeves. She drew the shirt around in front of him, holding him still for a moments consideration. She never took her eyes from his as she leaned her slight body close to form herself to his bare chest. She kissed him briefly on the lips, leaving a crimson blush where her lips had lain.

“You still look better in red.”

The Nights

The nights were the hardest. He would wake up not remembering who she was, and sometimes even who he was. The darkest hours were when she slept the lightest, hoping that this night would not be one of those nightmares of waking, him slamming himself back from her, shoving and grasping. His breath would catch in his throat, a growl tearing from his lips. She would slide swiftly out of the bed, quiet movements, hands placating and empty.

“Who are you? What are you doing in my bed!?” He would snarl, the anger in his eyes flashing as he shook his head to clear his foggy thoughts.

“Shhh, be still… the night has stolen your memories…” She would reply softly, voice pitched in soothing tones.

He usually scrambled back against the wall, a hand searching behind him for one of his girls hanging behind the bed, always ready. When his fingers closed on the butt of one, he smoothly drew it around to bear on the woman.

“You haven’t got a right to be here…I ain’t never seen you before! How’d you get here?” He growled as he held the gun easily in his hand, that at least was familiar. He would look at her, a petite woman with long brown hair shot through with grey. Her body disguised her age, it was supple and lithe in movement, a dancer, he would decide.

“Shhh, it is all right. You don’t remember, but you know me.” She kept talking to him as she moved towards him, ignoring the gun still pointed at her unerringly. “We have been here before. This is my home. Here with you.”

“I don’t know who ya are! I see a sneak come to my bed while I slept, ” His voice would crack, eyes would grow wilder as he hunted for memories he couldn’t find. She reached out her hand then and gently grasped the gun above his hand, turning it from herself and while keeping her eyes glued to his, nod slightly, an affirmation that he should release the weapon.

“I am here on your invitation. I know the night stole that from you. I have been here with you since we were blind to each other. My eyes still see the man you were then, and yours still see me as then.”

By now the confusion in his mind would be so complete that he would allow her to take the gun. He sought for his own identity frantically then, realizing that he couldn’t find that in his mind either. He would see the woman before him as she was when she was young then. Hair was all brown then, skin creamy luminescence. The body was younger, slightly stronger, but the eyes were the same. Large and clear. Brown to the point of blackness.

Softly, voice nearly inaudible, “Who am I?” His eyes would grow dark and lost then.

He could feel his own body, large and strong, but he had no memory of how it came to ache in some places. Pains were scattered throughout his frame. A few he could put a name to, old scars that still hurt. A gunshot wound to his right shoulder, he knew that was what made that arm ache as he flexed the muscle there. A vague itch across his chest, a knife slice he knew. But why did his back ache so? Where did the pain in his left hand come from. He couldn’t remember. The skin on his hands was rough and coarse, permanently sunburned arms were still round with muscles. His bones protested as he sat up to quickly. He shook his head like a bear wakened to early from his slumber, anger flowed through him like fire, leaving him hot and tense. His body prepared to fight, all the familiar responses. His hands tightened into fists, shoulders squared and back straightened.

The old/young woman stepped back from the bed, eyes showing nothing but calm. He glared at her, darkness engulfed his thoughts. Nothing but the desire to burn the memories back to himself. He could feel the heat of the flame inside, knew it was clouding his mind. Nothing he could do. A snarl escaped his lips as he lunged forward at the only other person in the room.

She swiftly raised her right hand and caught him on his chest, at his heart and stepped out of the way of his charge. He slew around and hit the wall behind her, her hand still over his heart.

“Come back to me. I will catch you when you fall.” She whispered.

His fire flamed thoughts heard the words but didn’t comprehend. He flung his left arm up, inside her arm holding him and pushed her hand away. His right hand snaked out and caught her around her back and drew her to himself violently. He had her body pressed against his, reached up with his left hand to catch her face, thumb under chin, fingers around the back of her head, buried in her hair.

She didn’t fight him, just kept her calm gaze on him, eyes not letting his look away. He felt her heartbeat against his chest. It was slow and rhythmic unlike his own. The fire flowed through his skin, he wondered that he didn’t burn her with his touch. “Who am I!” He growled at her through clenched teeth.

“You are all and everything in yourself. A bear rumbling in your chest, a cat snarling against the world, molten power inside…you are my peace.” She answered softly. he knew he held her in his arms, arms that felt familiar holding her.

“I don’t know you! I can’t…” He snarled violently, deep throated fear and anger mixing in his voice.

Held tightly, head held so she couldn’t look away, tears sprang into her eyes at his vehemence. She would try to blink them away, but one would roll free down her cheek. His thumb would wipe it away gently without his awareness. The movement was as natural as breathing to him.

He watched her eyes fill, saw the liquid trail down, felt his hand respond. The wet on his finger was warm and sticky. His eye was captured by the minute drama of the tear. He drew his hand towards himself, studied the moisture glistening on the tip of the calloused finger.

She waited, eyes clearing as she watched him. Her heart would begin to thunder in her chest by now. His right arm still held her tightly to him. She felt heat radiating off him, increasing as he searched his mind for memories that would not come to him.

“Your body remembers what your mind won’t reveal to you. The taste of us is part of you as it is part of me.” She urged him gently to trust what his arms and heart were telling him. The sound of his heart was loud enough to hear over his strained breathing. He licked his thumb tentatively tasting warm saltiness. She watched him carefully, knowing the moment would happen soon if it was going to happen at all.

Some nights he would roughly push her away from himself, spitting the words at her, “Get out! I don’t know you!”

Those nights she would leave quietly, retreat to a room far from him and wrap herself in one of his coats. She would weep herself to sleep surrounded by his scent; leather, cigar, whiskey and gun powder.

On the good nights his eyes would flicker shut, closing the moment off from view. When they opened again, the clear crystal blue she had fallen in love with so many years earlier would fix on her. He would tremble, his body pressed to hers, draw her tighter with both arms. She would smile then, seeing her heart return to her.

“Little Crazy… I… I… how can I…” He would stammer with a voice dragged over gravel.

“You came back to me, that is all I ever need, my Bearcat returned to me…” She would say soothingly. His arms would tighten around her slim body, he would hold her like a man afraid of drowning.

Gently she would urge him back to their bed, lay them down, bodies entwined. He wouldn’t let her go as he drifted off to sleep. On those nights his sleep was restless, his body would curve around hers, his chest pressing into her back, his legs wrapped through hers. Strong arms held her tightly, occasionally grasping her almost painfully to himself. She would hear him murmuring, talking, growling in his sleep as night demons took his dreams. Sometimes he would call out her name, call for her. She would gently draw his arms more around her then, shushing him as she did.

“Ya can’t have ‘er… ain’t gonna let ya have ‘er…” he would writhe in his sleep, shaking his head in denial. She knew he was dreaming of times past, times he had put himself between her and those intent on taking her. They both knew she was strong a fighter as him, but he never stopped being her Bearcat, her protector if he could. In the dark of dreams, he still tried to protect her. Now though, they were only after her in his mind.

The night would pass with him restlessly moving, twitching, calling out, snarling at unseen dangers. She held him as much as he held her. The times he held her like this she knew she would never have traded her life as she had lived it for anything. Those nights she knew she could not have been more loved, more happy. His fitful sleep was proof of his daytime devotion.

The nights when he chased her from their bedroom with fear and anger in his blue eyes she felt lost. Mornings would come, he would waken, not know why she wasn’t in their bed, his forgetting forgotten. He would find her those mornings, curled up in his recliner, wrapped in his coat. “Hey there Girlie, whatcha doing sleepin’ here?” He would ask, concern in his voice.

She never told him the truth. “Night was restless, sleep would not come. Finding sleep was problematic. Didn’t want to wake you.” She would smile at him then. Warmth would fill her, seeing him regarding her seriously, his eyes filling with concern. “Morning Growly.” She would tease then, getting him to relax and smile for her.

“Well, good thing I came and found ya, we got a big day today.”

“Big day?”

“Anniversary of the day I found ya.” He smiled broadly, white teeth flashing in his smile.

She raised a brow, face quizzical.

“Today is the day I knew ya would be mine… and you said yes.” His grin was wide as he swept her into his arms, pulling her close for a kiss with a sparkle in his eye. She melted into his kiss, felt the years disappear in that moment and they weren’t old anymore, they were young and strong and hopeful. “ I won’t ever forget that day my beautiful River Girl.”

She never told him how she was terrified that someday he would, that he would forget her forever. And then forget himself.

Five Kisses: First Kiss

There weren’t no hiding from it, he couldn’t lift that iron bar enough to shake the thought from his mind. He couldn’t do enough pull-ups to erase the image of her. There weren’t no exercise in the ‘Verse that could tear the memory of her standing there, blood dripping off that gorramn ax. Months had passed, near a year in truth, they had all healed in their own way, some easier than others. A few injuries would never totally heal. Serenity had been put to rights, they were back in the Black, flying. But he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He was angry in ways he couldn’t even describe at her being trapped outside those blast doors with those Reavers. The rage coursed through him all the time, eyes saw red no matter what he was doing. His arms shook as he kept pushing the bar into the air, sweat poured off his body, he was burning up from the heat of his anger. It felt like crimson sheeting was blurring his vision.

“Shhh, the red is taking over…” He heard her voice right next to his ear. He didn’t even flinch, didn’t stop his movement, the up, down, up, down repetition. “The fire is going to burn him.”

“Go away Girlie... don’t need to be botherin’ me right now.” He replied through gritted teeth.

“Fire will erupt, burn them both.” She singsonged, still right next to him. He felt her cool breath on his cheek.

“Ya want fire? I’ll give ya fire.” He dropped the bar in the hangers and sat up quickly, sweeping her into his arms before she could retreat.

A small gasp passed her lips, surprise showed clearly in her eyes.

“Ya been near to making me crazy as you, Girlie with yer watchin’ and chatterin’. There somethin’ ya wanted?” His anger blazed out of his blue eyes. She was surprised she didn’t feel flames licking her skin. He had moved so quickly and without forethought that she hadn’t read his intent before he had her tightly clasped in his arms. “Well? What do ya want Girlie?” He growled low in his throat.

“I,” She stuttered, to shocked by her missing what he was going to do. “She did not see… Fire flamed out without warning… solar flare straight to the heart…”

“Gorramnit Girlie, I ain’t playin’ with ya any more. What’dya want!?” He was to tired and wrung out to notice her admitting her inability to read him.

Her eyes were wide and brown, confused as she met his hard blue gaze. Without thinking, she leaned in lightning fast and kissed him square on the lips. He nearly shoved her across the bay in response. “Get away from me ya crazy witch!” he roared in reply, leaping up himself and storming past her out of the cargo bay.

She smiled slightly. She had felt his thoughts when she touched her lips to his. Now she knew why he was so intense in his punishment of himself. He was angry that he hadn’t been able to kill the Reavers, stop them from coming after the crew, save her from having to fight them. He cared about her and couldn’t even figure it out himself.

Second Kiss

He vanished. Jayne disappeared on Serenity as fully as if he had jumped into the Black with no suit. River looked everywhere for him, trailed her fingers along Serenity’s walls and pipes. She looked all the places Jayne would likely be. Galley, lounge, his bunk, the bridge, the cargo bay, the engine room, even looked in the infirmary. He was nowhere. Gone. Vanished.

Day passed to evening, dinner came and River still hadn’t found him. She gave up when Simon came and told her to come and eat. Everyone was at their usual place around the rough hewn table. Captain was at the head of the table, Inara in her now usual spot to his left, then Simon and Kaylee. At the Captain’s right sat Zoë, still the warrior woman even though the cracks still showed some days. Next to her was an empty chair, a chair no one sat in these days. Then River’s chair and lastly, Jayne’s. They had all started to sit that way after the ship had returned to flying the Black when repairs were completed after Miranda. No one ever noted it or said anything of it out loud and it had been that way since.

River stopped in the door, feet stuck to the metal plating. Simon nearly bowled her over she had stopped so quickly.

“River! What the…” Simon blurted out, irritated as a normal brother with a normal younger sister would be.

“He appears, no sounds, ghost…” River whispered as she saw Jayne sitting at the table, dishing food onto his plate like he did at every meal. He looked like he had every night for months. T-shirt, arm bands, plate filling with food enough for two or three. Simon edged around his sister, intent on joining Kaylee who was smiling back towards them.

“Little Albatross? You going to join us this evening, or stand there waiting for some unknown other shoe to drop?” Mal asked mildly. She tore her eyes from Jayne to look at the Captain.

“Was looking… could not perceive, the auditory evidence was lacking… mind had no thoughts to hear.” River spoke as he went to her seat. Jayne didn’t look up from his food, just grunted in acknowledgement when she sat down next to him. She drew her knees up to her chin once she was seated, her right thigh brushing Jayne’s as she curled it up. It was everything she could do to not cry out in surprise at the sharp spark that brief contact caused. Jayne did not react, betrayed no sign of feeling the painful shock.

River tried to eat as she normally did. But the food tasted like ashes in her mouth, the fresh vegetables Inara had added to the dinner were as textured as mush to her tongue. Next to her the big man consumed everything on his plate and said not a word to her. Around them conversation flowed and ebbed freely. The tone was light tonight, a job had gone well, another job looked to be as good as the last one had been. The Captain was in a good mood, Inara was laughing at a story Simon was recounting from an outing he and Kaylee had been on that afternoon. Zoë even added her humorous insight to the situation that sparked Simon’s tale. Only Jayne was silent which was out of the usual. River was contemplating this when she began to review Jayne’s behavior at the table for the last several months. The pain of the spark was still fresh on her leg when he got up to leave the table, finished.

“Jayne, you got somewhere you need to be in a hurry? We all barely got started eating here?” Mal said to the man as he was leaving the table.

“Naw Mal, just not feelin’ overly hos-spit-able tonight. Figured I’d get some o’ that new gear we picked up t’day stowed.” Jayne answered brusquely.

Everyone turned to look at either Jayne or the Captain at that pronouncement. Never had Jayne left food to go back to work. Not once in anyone’s memory.

“Right, well, don’t let me be keeping ya from that.” Mal finished lamely. He was as surprised as everyone else. He merely shook his head and shrugged when Jayne turned and left with not another word and everyone looked at him for information. “Don’t know what that was all about?”

River watched Jayne walk away, pulling his curtain of silence with him. “Red washes over him… blood covers all… burns the skin and peels back layers to the heart…”

“Mei mei, you ok?” Simon asked, apprehension in his voice. River had been mostly coherent since Miranda, he had begun to see glimpses of the woman she would have become had the Academy not done their experiments on her. Mostly she was functioning as a crew mate, her flying skills were keeping the ship airborne and even Zoë had to admit that Wash would have been proud of the young woman. River had become River and not the shaking child of before.

“She is fine Simon. Not going crazy again. Seeing something she had not before. Captain, may I be excused please?” River turned her eyes to Mal, silently entreating him to not ask her why.

“Go on then Albatross, don’t need folk to be staying at the table like they usually do at dinner time. Not like it is what a fine crew of reuben’s would do.” He managed to not sound curt and bothered even though it did worry him that his two guns were acting out of the norm. Inara laid her smooth, cool hand over his and squeezed his hand gently. He knew she was there with him and it calmed him some.

~~~~~ River left the table to go and sit on one of the high pipes above the catwalk where she could see down into the cargo bay unseen herself. Jayne was methodically putting new cables onto their cranks, winding the heavy banded metal loops with his focus solely on his task.

River catalogued in her mind his behavior since they were back in the Black near six months ago. He had been quieter than before, still grumbled while he worked. Talked to Kaylee more, was not quite as crude to Simon. He still played jokes on the Doctor, but not with same evil gleam in his eye as before. Not once had he mentioned leaving Simon and River at some port of call, or even implied that they were not part of the crew. River couldn’t remember the last time she had heard Jayne be impolite to Inara. Nor did he make much comment about River piloting the ship.

She reached out her thoughts to the man far below her. His silence was new to her. She could feel nothing from him. His gruff voice, crude pictures in his mind, violent, hungry, sexual imaginings were gone. It was like a door had slammed shut to her. A small mew escaped her lips, loss, and fear escaping with the sound.

~~~~~

Jayne heard her, shook his head irritably. Gorramn crazy Girl had scared him again today. His eyes burned all the time now. His sleep was no longer the sleep of the ignorant. The dreams never stopped, all of them becoming nightmares before ending with him waking up shaking and shivering. And now the crazy girl was watching him again. He could taste her still on his lips. The shock of her kiss driving the memory of it completely home in his mind.

Jayne was tired and angry. He wanted to go back to not worrying about anything except getting paid, getting fed and getting trim, not necessarily in that order neither. He couldn’t forget the desiccated corpses on Miranda, the floating sea of horrific space ships. He heard the screaming in his head whenever he went to sleep. Saw the ship torn in two before his eyes, felt his own impotence to stop the Alliance assassin from killing his friend Shepherd Book. Saw her being pulled away from them, from him, and could do nothing to stop it. Jayne was tired of being a man who knew more than a simple man should. He was tired of the thoughts that came into his mind unbidden when he stopped working.

Winding the cable tightly he could focus on the job, could feel the twined metal ropes pull through his calloused hands, strained his arms to wind the wheel. He could distract his thoughts by using his body, feeling his body. What he couldn’t think about, couldn’t hurt him he figured.

He couldn’t think about her. Didn’t want to think about her. Her. Little crazy girl running past him sprawled against the wall, bleeding from his shoulder, feeling his arm go stiff and useless with the gun grasped in his hand. Zoë was nearly too far gone to notice the girl go by. He watched the leap through the blast doors, Girl diving like she were going to land in a pool of clear water, not in the hands of the Alliance created monsters.

He wanted to go to her, his legs wouldn’t respond, his heart was pounding in his chest, blood pulsed in his ears. The Doc’s medical bag sailed through the small opening, landing near his feet. He could hear the screaming begin before he saw her hands reaching towards the closing blast door. Inside he was bellowing at himself, Get up, GET UP! You useless hundan! Get your miserable carcass off this floor and go to the fight, don’t let the fight go to the end without you. There is no payoff in this one except her. GET UP! His body wouldn’t move, the strength he had spent his life to get was not enough to get him off that hall way floor. Right then the ignorance of his life hit him, crashed into him. He wasn’t a stupid man, just not one who had chosen to go to far down the road of evaluation and examination. As he had so stupidly said to the Doc months before, if he had wanted schoolin’ he would have gotten schoolin’. He never told anyone he hadn’t been a bad student when he was growing up. A C student mostly, occasionally a B would pop up. Only ever got A’s in athletics, no surprise there. But he weren’t a stupid man, just ignorant cause he liked it that way. He couldn’t do that anymore and he didn’t want to go there. He liked things simple. Life weren’t simple any more.

~~~~~

River swayed to her invisible breeze as she watched Jayne straining across his shoulders, fighting with the rigid cable in his hands. He had thrown himself to the work like nothing else mattered. She kept trying to sense his thoughts and kept getting bounced back by the curtain of quiet, red anger he drew around himself.

The cable sprang out of his hands, whipping around the crank faster than her eyes could see. He tried to grab the wound wires before the whole reel came undone. His bare hands got a hold of the wild cable, getting yanked against the crank in a metal on flesh crunch. His bellow of pain reverberated off the roof the cargo bay, nearly knocking River off her perch. She hit the ground on her feet and ran down the stairs as lightly as booted feet could. Jayne had the cable wrapped around his hands, sweat stood out on his face and soaked his shirt to his body. A body River noticed, made all the more massive by the months of weightlifting the man had done to empty his mind of his memories.

Jayne said nothing, just clenched his teeth in pain, hands caught tight to the crank. Mal was there a moment behind River, having heard the holler. “What happened?” He barked curtly at his gunman while releasing the catch on the crank and unwinding the cable enough for Jayne to get his hands free.

“Slipped is all…cable got lose and I got caught up in it.” He growled in response, keeping his now free hands close to his body, fingers curved shut.

“Better let the Doc get a look at them hands Jayne.” Mal wasn’t speaking lightly, Jayne could see the warning in his eyes.

“Yeah, all right.” No sense in arguing with the man, his hands hurt something awful. He was pretty sure he may have broken some bones, that weren’t nothing new, and the skin had been torn off his fingers and palms for sure.

“What are you doing here Albatross?” The Captain turned to River who had been standing there silently the whole time.

“Listening, hearing the blood flow, finding openings to exit through.”

“Well, that sounds somewhat creepifying little one. How about you go find Simon for Jayne here.” Mal placed a hand on her shoulder and lightly propelled her towards the stairs.

River noticed that his touch was warm and earthy feeling, not fire and heat. No spark of pain or shock there. She resolved to think on that more later.

~~~~~

“This will hurt abit.” Simon was almost kindly sounding when he dunked Jayne’s bloody hands in two basins of lukewarm saline solution. The bleeding had worsened as Jayne had followed Mal to the infirmary. He had tried to hide it by clenching his fists tighter, gritting his teeth in pain at the rubbing of a few broken ends inside the skin.

“Stop moving your hands! Do you want to be permanently crippled!” Simon ordered curtly, while gently turning those same hands over and looking at the abrasions. “This looks bad, but I want to make sure all the particles of metal are out of the skin before I scan for broken bones.”

“Yeah, whatever Doc, just know it hurts something fierce when ya try ta straighten ‘em.” Jayne was beyond tired, beyond where he would grouch at the Doc. He just wanted it all to stop. Wanted to feel his world as a place of sight, sound, taste. Not this constant screaming in his head, the inability to sleep at night, the anger that never went away.

Stop. It all had to stop. His breath caught in his throat when Simon placed his hands in the scanner and he rested his hand’s weight on a broken bones. “You really think any of us is going to survive this Jayne?” “ I might?” He remembered saying the words, the last time he felt like the man he had created carefully, the last time he had been ignorant.

“He knows what it feels like now. He sees it clearly.” River appeared next to him when Simon had him return to the med chair. His right hand was in the Doc’s grip, being laid on a suture tray. Local anesthesia took hold almost immediately. He could feel nothing from his shoulder down.

“Get outta here Girlie.” Jayne managed to growl at River, turning his face away from her.

“He knows! He feels it, the constant, the forever… must not close the door for that way surely leads to oblivion, keep the paths to the light clear, the dark is rising… go not gently, bears go not gently…” River leaned in close to him, her breath touching his cheek as she spoke. He felt her hair trail across his left arm she was so close.

“River, you need to let me do my work here, you need to go now.” Simon spoke gently as was his wont with his sister.

Jayne grunted in assent, knowing he wanted her to go before she saw what his heart was trying to hide. He couldn’t keep ignoring the fear he couldn’t control, the way it made him rage inside, want to strike out and hurt, kill, anything that threatened to take her away. He didn’t want her to see that.

River gazed at Jayne’s cheek intently, his face still turned from her. His mind was a sea of red, she couldn’t part the sea to find his thoughts. Quickly, she tipped forward over him and placed a kiss on his cheek, leaping back immediately, hand flying to her lips. Stinging, burning, flames licked across them.

“GORRAMNIT GIRLIE! Keep your lips to yourself or I will remove them for you!” Jayne snarled at her.

“Jayne, sit still or this will become an amputation and not just a simple setting.” Simon said harshly.

“Tell yer moonbrained sister ta stop kissin’ me then!”

“River, I asked you to leave, please do so now.” Simon was trying to stay patient, but he was getting frustrated with his sister.

River felt the rise in Simon’s irritation and Jayne’s anger and stepped back quietly. She needed to find a mirror to see how badly her lips were burned.

Third Kiss

Jayne’s hands healed as quickly as all the other injuries he had ever sustained. He had an ability to heal that impressed even Simon. His thoughts stayed angry and tired. He never stopped pushing himself, pushing his body. He never wanted to have a lack of strength stop him from getting up again. He wanted his ignorance back, he wanted life simple again. He wanted to not look at her and think what if? Could he have stopped her from going through that door? Would he have been able to do what she did? Would he have died without having lived, with this knowledge that ate at him every day?

He kept working after Simon knitted the bones together, no way he could just set back and do nothing.

He couldn’t stop tasting her on his lips, feel her softness on his cheek. Her eyes looking into his, looking for something, he knew not what. The red haze was growing cloudy around him. He wondered if he would just disperse in the air like a gas no longer held by a proper container. Nothing felt like it used to.

The crew noticed him retreating from them as he worked harder, became harder in mind and body. He would joke abit around the table at mealtimes, but not as much as he used to. Simon stopped calling him a man-ape when he caught him in the cargo bay late one night, playing his guitar softly and singing Amazing Grace in the most beautiful bass voice. Simon had stood transfixed when he heard the first notes, not sure what he was listening to, or whom in truth.

When Jayne saw Simon at the end of the last few notes he stopped singing abruptly.

“What are ya doin’ up this late? Aren’t ya usually asleep by now?” Jayne grumbled.

“Ahh, well, yes I usually am. Couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to wake Kaylee…”Simon gestured back towards the passenger dorms where Kaylee and him slept most nights. His t-shirt was rumpled and hair was all mussed so it was apparent that he hadn’t thought he would see anyone up at this hour. “I , ahh, heard you singing…it was quite… beautiful.” Simon didn’t really know how to tell Jayne how soothing his singing had been. Jayne had never given the impression that he wanted to sooth anyone.

“Yah, well, it weren’t for anyone to hear.” Jayne was not happy Simon had caught him singing. He hadn’t sung for anyone since he left home. As boy he had sung in church, his Ma had always loved his singing and so he practiced enough that the choir let him sing with them. His voice had matured into a low bass and the gospels always sounded better when he sang along. When he left home he never sang for anyone again. He would pick out tunes on his guitar once in awhile, but not sing. Not until he saw crazy girl dance to her own music did he start to think about putting words to the music again. He remembered Amazing Grace from his youth, it was one his Ma’s favorite songs. He thought he might understand now.

“Yes, well, I will just go on back to bed now…yes, I believe I am.” Simon was flustered, maybe from the late hour, the unexpected side to the big man, or some other thing he was trying to sort out on his own about Kaylee.

“Doc, you might want to ask her one of these days. She’s earned it ya know…” Jayne had nailed Simon’s predicament right on the head. The men just looked at each other for a moment. Jayne was frighteningly still for a man who was generally always a mountain of life. Simon noticed for the first time the hollowness in Jayne’s eyes, the man was not what he had come to expect before Miranda, and after he had been to caught up in his own maelstrom with Kaylee and River and everyone else one step from dying or going over the abyss. He has missed Jayne’s plunge towards it himself.

“I ahh..I will… Umm, thank you, I think.” Simon replied as he turned to walk away. He knew he was not equipped to talk to Jayne about whatever it was that had changed the mercenary to a man the crew relied on as much as a member of the family. The crew had become a family, with bonds as tight as blood would bind. It was an odd thing in the Black, to have a family this close and yet so unknown to each other.

Jayne turned back to his guitar after Simon left, lightly strumming out a few notes, picking a bluesy version of Amazing Grace from the strings. He sang softly, “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost but now am found. Was blind but now I see…” He glanced up when he felt eyes on him. She was standing there, pale gown draped around her body like water flowing over rocks. Smooth and shimmery.

“You see, not drifting any more. “

“Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved. How precious did that grace appear, that first hour I believed…” He sang on softly, looking right into her eyes as he did. His voice didn’t catch, didn’t falter even when a tear rolled down her cheek. He kept playing and singing quietly and she spun on her toes and began a dance to the music. Her arms moved in graceful arcs around her body her legs pushed her into spirals and dips and leaps with the beat of the old Earth-That-Was song. She had never heard it before , but it went straight to her heart, his voice carrying a love from his past.

River shuddered to a halt, hair flying free around her face. “She can’t hear you, but she feels you are there.” She said to him, willing him to understand.

Jayne stilled his fingers on the frets and strings of the guitar. His voice rumbled to a stop in his throat. He wasn’t sure what happened, he just knew he understood her in that moment, understood why she sounded crazy when she talked. She felt the red, the tired. He knew he would simply fade away if he didn’t find the way past the anger, the red…

She had swirled to a halt right in front of him. Her hair was streaming over her shoulders. He put the guitar down, looked back at her intently, words forming in his mind but not wanting to pass his lips. River whispered so softly he could only just hear the words, “At first a shudder steals through him, and again the old awe steals over him… Plato… Old Earth philosopher..”

“Girlie… I dunno that I have what it will take to be… “ His voice was choked.

“She sees the bear struggling to wake from his winters sleep. Comes to where it is warm and safe.” She can feel the fires burning inside him, feels her hair rising in the warm currents pouring from his skin.

He is so tired, he wonders if he is imagining the crazy girl standing right there, he wants to reach out and check, but he is afraid if he does the dream will turn into the nightmare and the screaming will start again. The red cloud thickens around him, his angry wall begins to close in on him again.

River sees his eyes shift, the blue clear light fading to darkness. Desperate to not let him retreat to his world of red and anger, she leans towards him and is stunned when he crushes her to his chest, eyes boring down into hers. A growl tears from his throat as he kisses her, hard, lips bruising against her teeth, his growl stealing her breath as his body flames around her. She tries to cry out but can’t as everything she is is consumed in a fire she cannot see.

Her mind races, trying to catch any thought that is there at all before she is utterly burned away. She can only grasp one truth as it ignites in her, maybe fire is wise enough to know when something has to be not abandoned but consumed and used to create a greater thing? She is nothing, she is reduced.

She is everything. He jerks away from her, suddenly realizing what he has just done. She stands before him, beautiful ephemeral, and cool. He can feel her cool lips still on his. “Girlie…ya need to be gettin’ away from me…” Jayne manages to stutter out, voice low and harsh in his own ears.

“Through the Thou, the person become I” River replies, voice peaceful and content. She feels him when he touches her. His being surrounds her and gives her a solid place to be. She feels herself whole, not fragmented and pulled by the minds on the ship. She is just there with him. Feeling him. He is emerging as from shadow.

Fourth Kiss

They gather as a family, surrounding each other as only a family can. Mal and Inara are finally content to be seen as what they are and not as what they think they should be. Mal is almost cheerful, even enjoying his Little Albatross’ skipping around him and kissing his cheek innocently. River danced around all of them, happy and whole. Waiting with anticipation for her husband to be to appear. Inara is at her side finally. “It is soon now, you should go to your place.” River nods in agreement, blowing a kiss to everyone when Mal and her leave the grove for a moment.

“She has found her joy, is protected.” She whispers to him before he walks to give her away to another man. Simon receives her at the front of the copse of trees. He is elegant and perfectly attired in his most expensive suit. She remembers parties when they were children, hiding on the balcony and watching all the beautiful women and handsome men dancing in their dresses and suits. Simon was more handsome than all of the men River could remember ever seeing at those balls her parents held.

Kaylee and Zoë glowed in happiness, for which everyone was relieved. Zoë especially seemed truly happy. The year since Miranda was past, her heart would find peace somehow again. Today she would revel in others fortunes.

Simon takes her the last bit to the front of the gathering, his arm supporting her hand, his hand on hers almost possessively. She leans in to kiss his cheek gently, “Do not worry, you will always be my brother. Today does not change that.” He nods, not trusting himself to not say the wrong thing.

Finally she turns to him, his Little Crazy turns to him. He sees her as an angel, a dancer, a killer, and the one who saved him from fading to nothing. She sees her Fire, the elemental that burned away all the not-whole parts and found her eternity. Her. Him. Singular as one.

Jayne stood proud and terrified before his family, knowing they had no idea what they were looking at. He had gone and found a tailor to make him a perfectly fitted suit of darkest blue, mandarin collar sharp against a crisp white shirt. His goatee was neatly trimmed, blue eyes glittered with anticipation. Kaylee had actually sighed in admiration of how he filled out the shoulders and the color brought out his eyes. Inara’s eyes had widened slightly in surprise.

Mal had clapped him on the back. “Well now, looks like our Rim bred gun has a few more tricks up his sleeve than we knew. Huh.” He shook his head slightly, thinking that his hired gun and his Little Albatross had that effect on him more than he cared to recollect.

The Shepherd they had found was one of Shepherd Book’s oldest friends in the order. A man who had willingly shared food, stories, and laughter with the crew when they met him. He had a similar charm to their friend’s, so they fell to their ease with him quickly.

A short simple ceremony had drawn everyone into a relaxed mood. Promises of a life spreading before them brought a smile to even Zoë’s eyes. The Shepherd was able to embrace the family in the commitment they were sharing as that was part of the way Serenity had become home to them all. Her cockpit was just to the side of the ceremony, no way she would not be present for the event, just as she had been for Mal and Inara a few months earlier.

“Anyone want to add some words?” The Shepherd asked River and Jayne.

With a breath to steal himself, Jayne began to speak, voice low and measured, modulated to carry without yelling. That alone was enough to startle everyone present into listening.

“Then looking upon the face of his beloved as of a god, he reverences her and if he were not afraid to be thought a downright madman he…” He stopped at the look in his Girlies eyes. “I love ya.”

She nods quickly, a tear rolls down her cheek, again, she thought with irritation. He leans over her and kisses the tear off her cheek. “Ya never need to be anyone but you again Girlie, my River-Girl.”

She draws herself up to him, pulls his head back down to hers and feels the wash of flames over her as she kisses him in front of her family, in the shadow of Serenity, and feels herself through him. Feels the coolness and wonders at how she can feel so cool with his flames burning over her.

Fifth Kiss

The last night had been the hardest. He had woken violently, nearly thrown himself out of their bed. Scrambled for a gun to fend off this strange woman who had been there with him. She had talked to him, reasoned with him, touched him. He felt red anger, saw a veil of crimson before his eyes. The screams were to loud in his head to hear her words. He could only see her eyes, wide, sad, filled with tears. His body quivered, rage flowed through him. His hands wanted to grasp and tear at something.

“Come back to me… the night is not allowed to have you yet.” She urged him with soft words, gentle touch on the arm. He flinched back from her, eyes growing cold and dark.

“I don’t know ya…”

“Yes, you do, you are my everything…you are my soul, my heart… through Thou this person became I. I love you Jayne Cobb, don’t leave me yet!” The last words were vehement, River was fighting a foe she could not see, only conjure from the evidence before her.

He seemed to crumble before her, his body was large and strong, but old, wearing out. He sat back on their bed. the anger seemed to drain out of him, leaving confusion behind.

“I am tired… I don’t want to be… I want… “ A sob shook him, he buried his face in his hands. She came to him, wrapped her still limber body around his.

“Time to go to sleep my heart’s protector. Time to sleep and dream without the terrors.” He opened his crystal blue eyes one last time.

“Oh my River girl, what have I done? I near lost ya once…” He choked out past a gasp for air, an unfamiliar pain consuming him.

“No, no, not losing me… finding me at last… the journey was always the worthier part… new journey is just beginning.

He needed to lay down, the hurt in his body was too much to fight. He felt darkness falling over his eyes, felt light being pulled from him.

“River…” She leaned in to kiss him, felt the last of his fire burn out in a flare that lit both of them to brightly to see. And then he was gone. When morning came, they were found, bodies entwined, her long grey hair spread across them, his arms curved around her protectively. And as one they were burned to ash in red flames that leaped towards the sky, freeing them to find peace in eternity.