"Why did you leave?"

"Why didn't you ask me not to?"

Mal hadn't answered her, as usual when his conversations with Inara turned too close to home he changed the subject, he walked away. But her question hadn't gone away, it just hung there, like a bad dream he couldn't shake. Then everything went from a bad dream to full blown night terrors filled with so much pain, and blood, and loss. They all went kinda numb afterwards, and chose to focus on Serenity and getting her back in the air.

"Ready to get back to civilized life?"

"I don't know."

"Good answer."

And it was a good answer, better than he had hoped for. It made him smile. It tempered the nightmares somewhat. It let him sleep. But he still didn't have an answer to her question, least ways, not an answer he could articulate. But he kept thinking on it. He thought about it when they all sat down to eat together. He thought about it to avoid thinking about the empty chairs and the holes in the conversation where they could all imagine Wash poking fun at Jayne. (Mal coulda swore he felt Wash's frustration when they failed to fill those holes for him.) He thought about it while drinking with Zoe later in the evening, coaxing her out of herself a little.

Zoe.

There was a world of hurt she was holding onto in there, but he knew it had good company. He knew better than anyone that she could and would deal with this new pain. She would take it and place it on a shelf in her heart, next to all her other broken pieces. For a time she would touch it so often that it would shine, red and raw. But after a while, perhaps a good long while, she would let it develop a fine layer of dust. And it would become just a part of the background of her. But it would always be there; everything new built upon the knowledge of what filled that shelf.

"Once you've been in Serenity, you never leave."

Yeah, and wounds you can walk on never fully heal. If it was true, what they used to say back in Basic, that pain was weakness leaving the body, well, then he reckoned that Zoe just might be the strongest person in this 'verse. Because he knew how much she had lost and how much he had relied on her strength, how much he still needed it. How she had been able to open herself up and take a piece of hope and happiness back into her life. And how that was something he couldn't seem to manage.

And there was that question again. Maybe, he realized, that despite all of his inarticulate reasons there was no good answer to Inara's question. And, maybe it was time (well passed time, in fact) that he took the step he had been avoiding for so long now.

Not that he hadn't tried to take it once before. But she had pulled the world out from under him before he could. He didn't know her reasons for running, not really, but he suspected they were similar to his own. Freedom, and at least the illusion of control over a life that, at times, seemed to dangle from the hands of Fate. He didn't think she would employ the same kind of preemptive action this time. But it was so hard to read her sometimes. The woman definitely played her cards close to the chest. If he acted quickly, before she could make up her mind, well, he would either give her a reason to stay or scare her off for good.

He found her alone in the kitchen making tea.

"Inara."

She smiled. "Would you care for some tea?"

"I, what? Oh, no, thanks." He found himself fidgeting with his suspenders and had to will his hands to be still.

Inara carried her tea over and sitting down gestured to the chair next to hers at the end of the table. "Please, won't you join me?"

Although her grace and impeccable manners, intended to put him at ease, always seemed to have the opposite effect, he sat down anyway. He was more than aware of her training and her unsurpassed skill at playing her chosen role. And he knew that is what made him so uneasy in these situations. He never knew if he was seeing her or her mask. He took a deep breath.

"Inara, I am a stupid man."

"Hmm. Oceans are blue." She said as she took a sip of tea.

"Pleas...what?"

"Sorry, I thought we were simply stating the obvious." She smiled at him. "Please, you were going to say?"

Mal closed his eyes for a moment. "Woman, why do you always have to make everything so, so, difficult?" Looking at her, his frustration flaring up like anger. "I thought all your high falutin' training was designed to put men at their ease."

"Me? I'm making things difficult?" She said incredulously. "I'm sorry but how, exactly, is it that you make things easy? And besides, I thought my 'wiles' weren't to be used on you?"

"They ain't. Just speak plainly. Don't confuse things."

"I just wanted a cup of tea. You came here to talk with me."

Getting up suddenly he said, "Sorry to have bothered you."

As he stormed towards the bridge her face fell from annoyance to anguish. "Mal, I didn't mean..." But he was gone. "Oh, Inara you sha zi!"

It never ceased to amaze her how easily that man could push her buttons. It was a source of great irritation for her that she couldn't seem to keep him from getting under her skin. She was even more irritated because she knew exactly why she couldn't. She knew, but hadn't been able to figure out what to do about it.

When it came right down to it, Malcolm Reynolds scared her. And it was her fear that made her taunt him when it had been so apparent that he was trying to open up to her. If she had let him, she was afraid she would get lost in him. More than anything she had always needed to feel in control of her own life. It was why she had chosen the life she had, why she had left Sihnon. It was why she had left the Core Planets for a nomadic life aboard this ship. It was why she had left Serenity and why she was now afraid to leave it again. She was beginning to move in circles and everywhere she turned she could feel the walls of her life closing in on her and she was starting to panic, again.

She knew that she wanted to stay here, with him. Serenity was the first and only place she had ever felt was home. She hadn't even realized what that could feel like until she had come on board. She had loved the Training House while she had been there, but she had always known that it wasn't where she was supposed to be. This place, these people, had somehow become her life's blood. She knew she didn't want to leave. But could she stay without sacrificing herself?

Her pride was her armor, and she had grown so used to wearing it, she wasn't even sure she knew how to take it off. Because to be with Mal, in the way she was afraid to be, she would have to be just herself, and not Inara Serra, Registered Companion. And without her career, what was she? Who was she without her independence, her pride? She smiled to herself. How alike they were, Mal and herself. She knew what it had cost him to come to her (for the second time). She could only guess how much her teasing had hurt him.

They would be touching down on Santo within the hour. She would wait until everyone split up to get supplies and speak with him, apologize. After everything that had happened, it seemed too foolish to be afraid of something because it might work out, because it might make her happy. She had to try.

Inara was not surprised that River had taken to flying as effortlessly as she took to everything else, and the landing on Santo was as smooth as any of Wash's. The ramp lowered and the crew paired up and wandered off into the marketplace by the docks. Zoe stayed behind to watch over the ship. Kaylee and Simon went with a list of med supplies and engine parts. Jayne and River were sent for food and other basics.

Mal and Inara, having nothing particular to get, wandered casually. They strolled in silence for some time amongst the vendors. Finally Inara, feeling the timing was as good as it would get, placed her hand on his arm.

"Mal, I want to apologize for earlier." Touching him was always a bit of a shock to her. In all of her experience she had never felt that tingle of electricity that buzzed louder the closer they got, and that made her feel like every particle of her being wanted to shoot off in different directions when they touched. She wondered if he could feel it too, was it real, or merely perceived?

He looked at her. His carefully guarded expression belied the offhand nature of his response, "Weren't nothin'. Seemed like all the rest of our conversations." She knew then that she had hurt him much more than she had thought.

"But that's just it, I think it was something. And I reacted as usual instead of listening, and I am sorry."

He looked at her, looked away, and then back at her again. A small, sad smile creeping over his face. "We always do that, don't we?" He lowered his head, "Inara, I..."

"Captain?" His radio crackled to life with Zoe's voice. He closed his eyes and swore silently as he lifted the receiver to his mouth.

"Yeah?"

"Sir, we have a problem here that needs your attention."

Mal sighed and said, "I'll be right there." He looked at her and she could see the captain and the man fighting inside him. "Inara, I..."

She smiled at him. "Go, I'm just going to purchase a few things."

"Ok. But we ain't done here, we're gonna talk about this."

"Back on Serenity. It's alright. I'll just be a few minutes." His hand held hers briefly as he stepped back. It was like holding a live wire in her palm. Resisting the near overwhelming urge to not let him go she felt the electricity between them stretch and dissipate as he turned and trotted off toward the ship.

She was watching him weave his way through the crowd when she felt a hand grip her upper arm. She snapped her head around and found herself face to face with Atherton Wing. The people walking around them would never have seen it, but he was bruising her. His smile was a rotting apple coated in honey. And though his voice sounded gentle and sweet his quiet words made her stomach jump into her throat.

"I said that you would regret crossing me. I see your hero has left you all alone. Tsk tsk. You will both regret that I think. Come along."

As she opened her mouth to call out for help she felt the needle break the surface of her skin, "What did you?" and the world swirled into a blur. Unnaturally docile as he wrapped his arm around her waist she walked where he guided her, away from Serenity.