“The captain will be up soon, he’s just being sure to get plenty of shut eye before we reach Lilac that’s all bao bei” Zoë assured her ‘naturally nervous’ husband as he plotted their assent into the atmosphere.

“Yeah well ai ren the captain’s been in somewhat of a ‘down’ mood. He only comes out to eat, oh remember what that was like?” Wash said in would be reminiscent voice pulling a glazed over face. Zoë recognised this for exactly what it was a further attempt by him to high light the fact they hadn’t had a real paying job in a long time.

“I’m sorry honey but ever since Book ‘left’ to stay on at Haven and sermon a spell it’s like Mal’s slipped, it stared when Inara..” he broke off after he spotted his wife’s furrowed brow and knew that he was flying a little to close the sun with that last comment. Wash could read his wife’s furrows like Serenity’s gauges and he was used to seeing them both in the red line, but he always knew how to fix it. “The captain hasn’t ever really steered us wrong although there was that great adventure with that sweet ol’ man Niska. But you have to admit he’s changed the jobs we take are becoming fewer and usually lean more towards the dangerous side” Wash said soothingly Zoë’s face became less stern. Zoë came in closer to Wash and sat down in the co-pilot’s chair her hands in her lap, Wash called this her defeated pose he rarely saw it.

“We very nearly didn’t get this job, Fanti and Mingo are about as good with Mal as Badger is the. Only thing is Mal seems to have lost his ability to put up with people’s attitudes of late” Zoë punctuated he statement with a weary sigh and Wash placed a comforting hand on her shoulder which she took in hers. “Well I guess if we do get paid from enough from this we can always resume our epic struggle to find that naked beach” Wash said bringing up one of the many private jokes the couple had and he smiled to see that it brought the same sheepish grin from Zoë it always did. “I’ll get looking for it as soon as our cut is in our hands” she said moving in closer to her husband and pressing her lips to his.

*****----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*****

Mal sat at his small table in his cabin holding a small pressed lotus flower in one hand twisting it in his grasp to see it from all angles. He had found it in Inara’s shuttle along with a trunk of other possessions she’d left behind in her haste to leave Serenity and him Mal mused darkly to himself. The thing that struck him about the lotus was that it was out in the open as if she had left it there for him to find, then again he wondered whether he was simply reading to much into it again.

Looking across the table he saw the small grey metal viewer that he’d found in the trunk though he’d promised himself never he would open the trunk he had faltered a month after Inara’s departure and done so. He carefully place the lotus back onto the table and picked up the viewer and played the capture. It was made by Kaylee just before Inara had left and despite the fact Mal had viewed it many times he was still shocked by the haste with which the companion was packing he belongings. Her dark curls played across her shoulders her walk was purposeful and graceful, Mal watched and listened intently it hurt him every time he watched it but he needed to view it. He mouthed along with the conversation that he had memorised now, Inara asked Kaylee if she would ever put the capture down and Mal almost smiled at Kaylee’s bright response before he realised what was coming the mechanic asked the pivotal question and Mal burnt at the companions icy reply.

“That man doesn’t know what he wants” Inara’s voice echoed around the cabin, Mal paused the capture his fingers stretched out toward the woman’s image but suddenly recoiled as if stung.

Mal had pondered Inara’s words and found the truth almost unbearable to live with he wished he could just put it out of his mind and to an extent he had been able to so long as he had work to be getting on with. However lately there hadn’t been much in the way of decent work and his mind had frequently turned back to that one realisation.

It was that he knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted Inara it was clear in his mind he had never been taken with a woman more in his life and there was nothing in the verse he wouldn’t do to be with her. Except tell her how he felt there had been so many times he wanted to, so many knowing glances and not all of them from him. He had seen the way she looked at him on those rare occasions they were in so many ways alike. They both disliked complications, they both we at ease on Serenity and most of all they were like parents to the crew. He was the gruff fatherly figure and she brought the nurturing side to their Fong luh family, yet theirs was a strained marriage. She inspired the best in him and also some of the worst in him, as scars he had gained from a sword fight could attest for. Mal placed the capture back on the table and leant back in his chair and thought about some of the choices he had made since Inara’s departure he had taken any job he could and become somewhat reckless, infact it was this that had led to the ship’s second departure. Shepard Book.

Book was the second biggest influence on Mal and was a kind of moral compass but after Inara’s leaving Mal had taken a number of jobs that didn’t sit well with Book and a number of arguments had followed. Mal had finally managed push Book to breaking point by the time they had reached Haven, Book had mentioned Inara in one of their more heated discussions. This had been too much for Mal, Book still had Mal’s respect as Book had tried to put his decission to leave down to wanting stay on and take care of the locals on Haven. The Shepard could have put the blame on Mal but instead tried to save Mal some face infront of his crew, however much of the crew still blamed him for Book leaving them. Just like they blamed him for Inara.

He blamed himself as well.

Mal stood up went to the wall folded out the sink and washed his face and tried to avoid looking in the mirror, he wasn’t sure he would like what he saw there. He strode to the ladder and climbed up to the hallway and continued on to the bridge where he found Wash bringing the ship through Lilac’s atmosphere ruby flames played across the windows. He stood behind Wash watching the planet grow larger beneath them. Suddenly a small plate of metal rushed past the window with a loud clang.

“What was that?” Mal asked.

Chinese translations: Bao bei = darling Ai ren = sweet heart Fong Luh = crazy