Adventures in Babysitting: Jayne
Friday, May 19, 2006

Title explains it all. Jayne babysitting Wash and Zoe's kids. And in my little own verse Wash and Zoe have triplets, Mally, Gabe, and Amina.


Jayne and Mal stood on the foredeck of the ship talking. Jayne was actually doing all the talking and Mal was mostly ignoring him. “Come on Mal. Why I gotta stay?” “Because the last time we dealt with Jax you shot his dog.” “I didn’t like the way it was looking at me.” “It was a dog Jayne.” “Still don’t see why I have to stay behind.” Mal was tired of arguing with Jayne. “Ain’t no use of arguing Jayne. There’s no one else to do it. It seems that some of the Shepherd’s fuzzy wassys got a sickness and the Doc and his sis are helping out with that. Inara out doing...” Mal paused for a moment. “Doing. Wash and Kaylee have to go to town restock on supplies and parts. And Zoë’s with me. So that leaves you.” Mal headed down the stairs to the cargo bay. Jayne was on his heels. “Ok I get why you don’t want me to go with you and Zoë seeing how I shot the man’s dog. But why I can’t I go to town and get supplies and Wash or Kaylee stay behind? Mal stopped at the end of the steps and turned around. Jayne bumped into him. “Because…because you can’t.” “That ain’t a reason Mal.”


Wash pulled his shirt over his head. “I don’t see why one of us can’t stay behind. I don’t like the idea of Jayne…” Zoë cut him off. “Captain wants Jayne to stay behind.” Zoë kissed Wash on the cheek. “Hurry up we’re on a time table.” She climbed up the bunk ladder and left. “Still don’t think it’s a good idea.” Wash mumbled.


Zoë walked back into the passenger dorms and tired to open on the doors, but it was locked. “Open the door.” Zoë heard muffling noises going on behind the door. “On the count of three this door better be open. One.” The door quickly opened and a small girl with a head full of red curly hair stood there looking up at Zoë with her big blue eyes. “Why was the door locked?” The girl just smiled and pointed behind her to the two boys behind her. One of the boys was sitting on the bed with handcuffs on. He had cuffed his right wrist to his left ankle. “We can’t get it off.” She whimpered. Zoë just smiled. “How long have you been like this?” The boy started crying. “Two hours.” Zoë sat on the bed beside the boy and pulled out a small pin from her vest pocket and un-cuffed the boy. He rubbed his aching wrist and ankle. “Where did you get this?” She said holding up the cuffs. None of the children spoke. “On the count of three, one…” “Goddaddy’s bunk.” The other boy shouted. “Gabe! What about solidarity!” The recently un-cuffed boy said. “What!? She gave the count I had to tell.” Gabe replied. “Momma it was Amina! She dared me to do it.” “Nut-uh Momma. You’re such a lying ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng Mally.” Amina quickly covered her mouth. Mally and Gabe started laughing. “You’re in trouble. You’re in trouble.” The boys chanted. “Shut up! I hate you two!” Amina eyes where watering up. Wash came into the room. “Hey, hey what’s all the crying and yelling about?” Amina quickly ran and jumped into Wash’s arms. “Poppa, the boys are being mean to me.” She cried. “I’m beginning to think that you were right husband.” Zoë held up the cuffs in the air. “Your son cuffed himself.” Wash scoffed. “My son?” “And your daughter has developed a colorful vocabulary.” Wash looked at the girl in his arms. She just looked at him with big puppy dog eyes. Wash got all melty how could he be upset when those big blues just stared at him. “Zoë maybe I should stay.” Wash said as he put down the girl. She smiled and stuck out her tongue at her brothers. “They can be a real handful.” “Where ya’ll going?” Mally asked as the placed head on his mother’s lap looking up at her. Before Zoë could answer the boy sat back up. “You got a job? Can I go? Where you going? There’s gonna be gun play? Jayne and Goddaddy going? Can I go pluh…ease!” “No.” Zoë said. The boy plopped down back on her lap. “We never get to go.” Zoë smiled and ruffled the boy’s hair. “Maybe when you’re older.” “Ain’t six old enough?” “No.” Zoë said as she got up. “Poppa will you read to me?” Gabe pulled out a book from the shelf and handed it to Wash. “That book’s stupid.” Amina pulled another book down. “This one.” “Actually me and Kaylee have to go to town and get some supplies and parts.” Wash said to his clearly disappointed children. “We need new synchronizers.” Amina said. “Can we go?” “No, you three are still on punishment for the last time we went plantside.” “But, Poppa he was a go-se purple belly he deserved it!” Mally protested. He looked at his parents faces and decided to rephrase his statement. “I mean he was talking bad about the Independents. Momma, he was saying that the Independents where scum and deserved to…I was just defending your honor.” Mally whined hoping his mother would forget his swear. Zoë bent down to face the boy. “Still you should go kicking Feds in the knees. Tends to get them crotchy and in an arresting mood.” “But it still is hilarious.” Mal said as he came into the room. “We gotta go. Jax just waved us the rendezvous point.” “Don’t encourage them sir.” Zoë said. Mal picked up Mally and Amina in each arm. “But they are so damn cute.” He kissed both of them on the cheek and put them down. “Ready?” “Yes sir.” Zoë turned to leave when Gabe cried out. “Momma!” “Yes Gabe.” “Snuggles.” Gabe extended his arms for Zoë to hug him. She hugged him and they gave each other Eskimo kisses. The other two children followed suit. This was Zoë’s favorite part about being a parent the snuggles. Before she left she turned to Wash. “Make sure before you leave you give Jayne the list.”


Jayne sat at the kitchen table sulking like one of the kids. Kaylee was at the stove fixing a snack trying to cheer up Jayne about his duties for the day. “It’s real shiny watching the kids. You can read them stories…” Kaylee thought a moment. “You can tell them stories. Play games. Mally and Gabe love checkers. Amina real good at tall card.” “Well if it’s all shiny why don’t you stay behind with the rugrats.” Jayne said as he reached for Kaylee’s snack. She swatted his hand. “Can’t. We gotta get parts for Serenity.” Kaylee said with her mouth full. Jayne rubbed his hand. “Why’s Wash got to go with you to get parts?” “Its his contact Jayne. We’re getting a discount with this guy cause he went to flight school with Wash.” Wash entered the kitchen, he pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. “Jayne this is the list.” “Huh?” Kaylee laughed to herself. “You might want to hold on to that.” Wash handed Jayne the piece of paper. “It’s a list of things that you need to know for babysitting.” Jayne looked at the paper he wasn’t quite sure how to take it. Did they think that he was so dumb he couldn’t watch three little rugrats? Jayne didn’t care anyhow he had his plan lain out. He figured he just lock them in their room and throw scraps of food in there once and a while. “Jayne just make sure you follow the list ok.” “Yeah I got it.” Barked Jayne. “And one more thing Jayne I would like to have my children in the condition I left them. No bullet holes.” “Can’t make any promises.” Jayne said grinning.


Jayne walked slowing to the children’s bedroom. He wander if this was the hell that Shepherd Book talked about. He slowly opened the door. “Yep.” He thought to him self, this was hell. Jayne pulled out the list that Wash had given to him. “What’s that Jayne?” Mally asked pointing to the piece of paper Jayne had in his hand. “Wash gave me a list.” “Can I see it?” Mally asked almost too sweet. Jayne didn’t see a reason why the boy couldn’t see the list. Jayne felt a pull at his shirt tail. It was the girl. She looked at him with her big blue eyes. “Gorrmitt Jayne don’t get all melty.” Jayne thought to him self. Amina put on her sweet as pie voice, “Uncle Jayne, do want to play tea with me?” She asked smiling. “Sure small fry.” Jayne gave in too quickly. Amiana just smiled and lead him over to her tea set. “You sit here.” Amina pointed to a pillow on the floor. Meanwhile Mally put the list under his mattress and joined his brother on the floor playing dinos. Jayne tired to get comfortable on the pillow but he couldn’t. Amina put a tiara on top of his head and a orange feather boa around his neck. “You can be Princess Janie.” Amina said as she sat down on the other pillow facing Jayne. “Shouldn’t I be prince or king or something? You don’t think this is too sissified?” “Nope.” Amina said as she poured the tea into her little tea cups. The boys just laughed at Jayne, because of the costume Amina gave him. Jayne took off the tiara and boa. “How bout we play something else?” Jayne asked hoping that Amina would change her mind. “Only if I pick the game and the boys have to play.” “Deal.” The boys stopped laughing and looked at Amina. Jayne noticed the conversation that the children where having. But, the thing was that they weren’t saying words. This creped Jayne out. “How bout hid and seek?” She suggested. Both of the boys nodded their heads in agreement. Jayne thought hide and seek was a perfect game. “Shiny. I’ll count.” Jayne closed his eyes and started to count. “One, two, three, four…” He listened until he couldn’t hear the children anymore and stopped counting. “Ready or not here I come.” He bellowed. Jayne didn’t leave the room. He plopped down on the bed. He picked up a book on the floor and started to read it. “Lit..tle Red Riding ho..ood. Little Red Riding Hood.” Jayne threw the book across the room. Reading made his head hurt.


Jayne awoke to screaming. His first reaction was to reach for his gun, but he forgot he taken it off. He didn’t want a repeat of the last incident when Mally got a hold of Sarah and almost shot his brother. He reached in his boot. He pulled out a rather large knife. He crept out of the children’s room heading towards the screaming. Finally, Jayne came to the source of the screaming. It was Amina and she was on the floor of the cargo bay holding her knee. Jayne tucked his knife back in his boot. “What happened small fry?” Jayne asked the screaming girl. Amina didn’t respond she just kept crying. “Gorrmitt stop crying.” Jayne picked up Amina and carried her to the infirmary. He placed her on the bed and started looking for some bandages. Amina cried louder. “Awwe Dr. Simon is going to be mad at you for messing up his doctor room.” Mally said as he poked his head in the infirmary. “Well I ain’t scared of him.” Jayne threw some more things around trying to find a bandage. “What happen to your sister?” Mally just shrugged his shoulders. “I dunno.” Mally came in further and climbed on the bed next to his sister. He grabbed her hand. This seemed to calm her down a bit, but not enough for Jayne. “Ha! Found it.” Jayne pulled out some gauze. “Ok.” Jayne looked confused. He wiped some for the blood from Amina’s knee with his shirt. Then he started to wrap her knee. “Ain’t you supposed to put something on it first? Doctor Simon always puts something on it first. And I don’t think your suppose to use that. Doctor Simon doesn’t use that.” “Well I ain’t Doctor Simon!” Jayne barked at Mally. Jayne continued to wrap Amina’s knee. “Better?” Jayne asked. Amina was still crying. “I can’t move my knee.” “I think you used too much.” Mally said. Jayne had wrapped Amina’s whole leg in gauze. “Come on small fry stop crying.” “You gotta sing the boo boo song.” Mally said as he hopped down from the bed. “The what song?” “Momma always sings the boo boo song.” ”Your Momma sings.” Jayne laughed at the idea of Zoë singing. “Well how does it go.” Mally shrugged his shoulders, “I dunno. But you have to sing something.” Jayne started singing the only song he knew, “Jayne! The man they call Jayne. He robbed from the rich and gave to the poor. Stood up to the man and gave him what for! Our love for him now is ain’t hard to explain. The hero of Canton the man Jaynnneee.” Jayne stopped singing a bit and looked at Amina. Her crying had slowed down a bit to heavy breathing. “Better small fry?” Amina nodded her head. “Good.” The shuttle deployment alarms went off. Kaylee had installed them when Mally and Gabe wanted to fly. “Lao tyen yeh ai ji gaowan what now?” Jayne looked around the infirmary, he noticed that one was missing. “Where’s your brother?” He asked Mally. Mally shrugged his shoulders, “I dunno.” Jayne grabbed Amina and tucked her under his armed and took Mally with the other hand and headed for shuttle one. Jayne found Gabe at the controls trying to launch the shuttle. “What in the gorram hell do you think your playing at?” Jayne put down Amina and grabbed Gabe and lifted him up. “Do you want your Momma to put a bullet in me?” Jayne yelled. Gabe started crying. “Don’t yell at my brother you big man ape.” Mally yelled and kicked Jayne in the knee and ran off. “Yeah ya big, Ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng.” Amina kicked Jayne in the other knee with her good leg and wobbled off. Gabe kicked Jayne in the nether regions and ran off. Jayne fell to shuttle floor holding on to his nethers. “Grommit, those little gou fang pi!”


Jayne had managed to wrangle the children back into their room. He had all three of them sitting on the bed. Jayne limped back and forth thinking about what to do with them. In a normal situation Jayne would resort to violence, but violence wouldn’t work on these kids. After all they were Zoë’s children. Jayne was at a lost. “So, what do you think I should do with ya?” He asked pacing. “I think I gonna tell ya Momma about all the things you three did today. How you tired to steal the shuttle. How you three kicked me in places I don’t take a like’n to be kicked. How bout that? That’s a fun game. Let’s tell Zoë.” Jayne had a huge grin on his face. He was beginning to like this whole babysitting thing.

“If you tell, then we’re gonna tell that it was you that taught us naughty words. And it was you who taught us how to use Sarah. And that you made Gabe and Amina cry.” Mally said as he folded his arms.

“Damn.” Jayne thought. These brats where smarter than he thought.

“How bout a game? Who ever looses get told on?” Gabe suggested. Jayne figured that since he was older that he was smarter and he could win. “What game?” Gabe had a grin on his face. He looked at his brother and sister. They were having a conversation without words. This gave Jayne the willies. “The Lanzhou Job game.” “How do you play?”


Jayne woke up to the rest of the crew staring down at him laughing. He tired to move but his hands where tied behind his back. He tired to talk but his mouth was gag. Zoë removed the gag from his mouth. “Lanzhou Job?” She untied him from the stair railings. “Did you even look at the list?”


Jayne was working out, lifting some weights to work out some tension. He didn’t stop when he heard the Zoë, Wash, and the children come up. “Jayne, the children have something to say?” Wash pushed them forward to Jayne. “Don’t you?” In a small voice together they said. “Sorry Uncle Jayne.” “Sorry for what.” Zoë persisted. “Sorry for tying you up, for kicking you, for drawing mustaches and eye glasses on your naked girl pictures, for taking the bullets out one of your clips and putting pieces of crayons and loading Sarah to see if she would shot crayons…which she don’t, sorry for calling you names, sorry for umm…sorry for everything.” Mally said in one big breathe. “We made you a card.” Amina handed Jayne a handmade card that read, “Sorry Uncle Jayne. We love you. Love Mally, Gabe, Amina.” They had even drawn pictures of themselves and their Uncle Jayne. Jayne was getting that melty feeling all over again. Despite his best efforts he couldn’t stay mad at them, especially when they went through all the trouble and made him a card.

Translations: Don’t quote me on this, but I guess it’s as close as its going to get ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng frog-humped hoodlum go-se piece of sh*t Lao tyen yeh ai ji gaowan Jesus loving chicken balls gou fang pi dog farts

Hope you enjoyed. See ya in the verse!


Friday, May 19, 2006 11:25 PM


Such fun! I love the kids and the boo song, and poor Jayne's hoplessness! It's all great.

Saturday, May 20, 2006 5:45 AM


I agree with A Non E Mouse, we want to see "the list". Those of us with little Browncoats out here could use any pointers we can get.

Saturday, May 20, 2006 6:58 PM


LOL....great work here, Tonyahuqt03;) Just loved how Jayne was thwarted at every turn by the Washburn triplets:)


Wednesday, August 1, 2007 10:19 AM


Oh, I can't stop laughing! This is great, thanks!


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