A HUGE thanks to TamSibling for being my sounding board through this whole story and for making sure I kept my focus, telling me when something didn't sound right and for the big impact on the Zoe/Mal conversation at the end of this chapter.

There will be an Epilogue to this story. And then there are two more to come before the end of this arc.

As always, thanks for your patience while I delve into aspects of the characters lives that we really never got to experience. No one truly knows how they will respond to situations such as those that have been presented here, but I have done my best to keep everyone as in character as possible.

Fall-out will happen, in many different ways. It won't be quick, but it will be devestating.

Thanks to my love for drama (I work in the film industry, its engrained in me, I suppose) not everything will happen at once. Everything will build slow to a pretty big (if not satisfying) conclusion.

Thanks for sticking with the series, even if the topic is upsetting.

-------------- Chapter 4 -------------

When Mal returned to the shuttle, Kaylee was asleep on the bed, curled into as much of a ball as her pregnant belly would allow. Inara lay next to her, staring at the ceiling, dried tears marring her smooth cheeks.

Inara’s eyes shifted toward Mal and her bottom lip trembled as she turned to look at Kaylee’s sleeping form. “She cried herself to sleep. Until she had nothing left to cry.” Fresh tears welled in her eyes and Mal swallowed thickly as he hurried to the bed and knelt at her side.

“I thought I was helping her.” Inara still had not looked at him. Her eyes were fastened on the protective way Kaylee cradled her baby even in sleep. “I thought if she didn’t know –“ Inara sobbed and inhaled a shaky breath. “This will destroy her. They were so happy. Planning for the baby. Oh, God Mal. She’s –” Inara took a breath, struggling desperately not to hyperventilate.

Mal stared at Inara for a long moment, not understanding. There was so much he wanted to ask her, so much he wanted to say. He didn’t know where to start. As much as he loved Kaylee, he needed to know.

As if reading his mind, Inara said simply, “The baby is yours.” She rested her hands on her own swollen belly. Her hands shaking as she told him what he wanted to hear. She’d seen what the knowledge of Kaylee’s baby’s paternity had done to Simon. She couldn’t watch Mal go through it as well. A test would prove it later. She hoped it would prove it later. She knew it would.

Mal felt himself exhale a breath he didn’t even realize he had been holding. As he reached out to her, she pulled away with a sob.

“You won’t want us when I tell you what I did, Mal.”

Mal’s eyes narrowed and he sat on the edge of the bed. “Ain’t nothin’ in this ‘verse that can keep us apart, bao bei. Nothing.”

“I knew she was raped.”

Mal swallowed thickly, his conversations with Simon, his own past suspicions, barreling to the forefront of his mind. Inara had known?

After giving him a moment to digest this revelation, she continued on with another. “She didn’t know for sure. She was so upset thinking that it had happened but that she couldn’t remember the details. I – I used my training to hypnotize her. She remembered it all then. And I –“

Mal gaped at her, stunned that she had done this and told no one about it, not even him. He was hurt, but that hurt gave way to utter shock as Inara continued.

“I didn’t tell her when she woke.” Guilt and shame that she had caused so much pain threatened to burst her heart in two. She clutched her stomach and took a few deep breaths when the baby kicked. “I let her believe that it didn’t happen.”

Mal closed his eyes and whispered, “Oh, ‘Nara.”

“I knew it was wrong.” She glanced at the girl lying beside her. “But I couldn’t sit back and watch her life, her happiness, crumble around her.” She turned back to Mal, her eyes imploring him to understand why she’d done what she’d done. “Being raped all those years ago nearly destroyed me. With all of my training, all of the counselors available to help me. Kaylee – she doesn’t have that. I – it would have killed her. She would be a shell of the bright, energetic girl that we know and love. I couldn’t let that happen. I know it was wrong.” She sniffled wetly. “But I thought I was doing the right thing.” She continued before Mal could formulate a response. “After the baby was born I was going to ask Simon to do a test and tell him why so that he could decide when – if to talk to Kaylee about it.”

Mal couldn’t find the words to respond to this news. His eyes kept shifting toward Kaylee and then back to Inara, mouth gaping like a fish out of water. As horrifying as this revelation was, Mal understood. As much as he wanted to be angry at Inara for keeping this from him, from Kaylee and Simon, he realized that she had done it out of love. In her own way, she had tried to protect them all from this knowledge. He couldn’t admit that it was the right thing to do, that he would have done the same if the situations were reversed, but seeing her tearing herself up over it now would do no one any good – least of all their baby. They would have to deal with it sometime. But now would not be that time.

“But she knows now and – oh god, Mal, her baby.” Inara was close to the breaking point. And stress was not good for either mother right now.

“Simon can do a test. We can find out.”

Inara shook her head. “It’s not safe to do a paternity test right now. She’s only a little over six months. It could be dangerous for the baby.” Inara took a deep breath. “We don’t have the right equipment anyway.”

“We can get –“

“I need to get her out of here for a while, Mal.” Her lips trembled and she didn’t even bother to wipe away the tears any longer. “Please tell me you understand. She can’t be here. With all of the memories, all of the – she needs counseling. She can’t get it here.“

She isn’t the only one, Mal thought sadly.

Inara let herself be pulled into his strong arms, and he rocked her as if he’d cradle a babe. He knew she wanted to run, to get out of here and get someplace where she felt safe. He didn’t want her to go. But he couldn’t forbid it either. “Tell ya right now, Simon ain’t gonna let you take her away without a fight.”

Inara sobbed harder when she thought about what her lies had done to Simon. The look on his face when he’d confronted her broke her heart. She’d hurt him so terribly and he’d never been anything but a friend to her, kind and generous through every bit of hardship he’d endured during his entire stay on Serenity. She’d betrayed him in the worst way and now he would hate her even more for taking away his wife.

Inara gasped when she realized that he would now know that she’d kept Kaylee from discovering the truth. He would never forgive her. Kaylee would never forgive her.

She’d done it for the right reasons. She’d just wanted to protect her friend. Spare her from the pain and suffering that she would have had to endure. It was wrong for her to make that choice for another, but Inara, in her single-minded blindness, couldn’t see that she’d had any other option. And now she was worried for the baby. The stress on Kaylee’s system was enormous and she needed to be in a calm, peaceful place right now. A place that could give her the kind of counseling that she needed and the kind of medical care that couldn’t be found on Serenity.

Mal shushed her with a kiss to the temple. As if he’d read her thoughts, he whispered, “I’m with you, bao bei. I don’t want you to go. But you do what you must.” A moment passed before he added, “And so will I.”

Inara tilted her head and gaped at him, worry furrowing her brow.

He shushed her with a finger atop her lips. “There ain’t no need to cause more pain. We’ll get you both the help you need.”

Inara buried her face in his chest and cried. For Kaylee, for Simon, for herself, for all of the pain and heartache they had endured and would yet endure. And for Mal, who loved and protected her despite all of her faults.

~*~

Simon spent as much time out of every day with Kaylee as he could, but the vacant, haunted look in her eyes prevented him from doing much more than sitting there, helpless to take away her pain. He tried to hold her, but she simply lay stiffly in his arms, unable to come to terms with what had happened.

She woke screaming in the middle of the night, crying out and begging for them to stop. He even gave her smoothers to help her sleep. But he couldn’t give her much. He didn’t want anything to adversely affect the baby.

Mal had been relegated to sleeping on the couch, unwilling to leave Inara for any reason. And since Kaylee refused to leave the shuttle, Simon laid a pallet on her side of Inara’s large bed, and stayed there. He never slept much, simply sat against the bed and stroked Kaylee’s hair or watched her sleep.

It was in this position Inara found him one early morning. They hadn’t spoken much but when Inara reached out her hand and asked him to come with her, he didn’t have the energy to refuse. She assured him Mal would be there for Kaylee if she woke. Inara held his hand all the way to the galley where she finally released it to make herself some tea.

When she returned to the table, and set the hot mug in front of Simon, all the man did was stare at it vacantly.

“I’m sorry, Simon.” Inara said softly, curling her hands around her own steaming mug. The apology was two-fold, but he didn’t know that.

It took a few moments for Inara’s words to register in Simon’s sleep-deprived mind. But he didn’t know what to say so he simply inhaled deeply and stared at his hands. Hands that had been trained to help, to heal. But they could do nothing of the sort now. He was helpless in a way that he had never thought possible and it angered and hurt him more than he could ever begin to put into words.

Inara stared guiltily into her tea for a moment before continuing. “I shouldn’t have blamed you. I know you did everything you could. I’m sorry.”

“Just the latest in a long string of failures in my life, Inara.” Simon closed his eyes and his head gave a not-so-satisfying thunk against the back of the chair.

Inara’s bottom lip trembled as a multitude of responses rushed through her mind. She was as exhausted as Simon, maybe more so. But he needed someone to talk to, someone to yell at. It might as well be her. She deserved it. Before she could answer him, he continued.

“I couldn’t protect her. You. Anyone.” His eyes were still closed but she could see the pain etched into his pale face.

“You tried, Simon.” Inara leaned forward as much as her pregnant belly would allow and touched his hand, trying to offer some measure of comfort.

“And I failed.”

Inara shook her head. Regretting that she’d made him feel inadequate. He’d done everything he could to help Kaylee that day and he’d gotten shot and knocked out in the process. He didn’t deserve her resentment. “Don’t think that.”

Simon’s eyes snapped open as his mind tried to formulate a reason, an explanation for everything that had happened. As helpless as he felt, he needed to find someone to blame. “My sister let it happen. She knew. And –“ Simon inhaled a shaky breath, anger welling in his heart. “She kept it to herself.“

Inara didn’t want to examine that news too closely. That River had known this was going to happen sent a spike of pure disdain through her body. There had to be a reason, but she knew Simon was in no condition to listen to it and neither was she. “Kaylee will get better, Simon. She can get the help she needs on Paquin. I’m not trying to punish you by taking her away.” Inara could hear her own voice crack and she desperately hoped he wouldn’t hate her for not consulting him.

“She needs something I can’t give her,” Simon said dejectedly. “I’ve tried. She’s just – she not there anymore.”

“She just needs time.”

“Time may be something we don’t have.” Simon said softly, sending cold chills down Inara’s spine.

~*~

“I ain’t never felt so helpless in my life, Zoe.” Mal paced around the bridge, hands clenching and unclenching. “I’m lettin’ ‘em just walk off my boat. I need ta do somethin;’. Need ta hit somethin’.”

“We’ll find Niska, Sir,” Zoe said slowly, calmly, assuring him it would be done. “I’ll make sure I hold Jayne back long enough for you to get to him first.”

Mal’s short snort of laughter chilled Zoe to the bone. She had never seen him like this. Even during the darkest most desperate part of the war she had never seen him so shaken.

“Don’t think you can hold Jayne and Simon back at the same time, Zo.” He stared out into the Black, his eyes haunted with some unfathomable, anxious fear. “That boy has more reason to kill Niska than I do.”

“He’ll do it if you let him.”

Mal inhaled deeply. “I don’t think lettin’ is even goin’ to enter into it,” he told her quietly. Mal knew that if Simon got it in his head to kill Niska, there would be no power in the ‘verse strong enough to stop him. No one messed with that boy’s family. He’d seen evidence of that fact time and time again. And Mal didn’t see anything wrong with that, though he knew he should. “The boy ain’t made to kill.”

Zoe knew he was right but she also knew that Simon was stronger than anyone gave him credit for. He would kill to defend those he loved. He would have killed that Fed to save his sister if Mal hadn’t gotten there first. “How’s he doin’, Sir?” Zoe was concerned for the young man. She’d heard his argument with River as well, had seen his haggard appearance day in and day out. But hadn’t really spoken to him one on one.

Mal shook his head. “Worse than me if that’s possible.”

“He need a sounding board? Somethin’ to hit?” A small smile turned the corner of her mouth as she tried to lighten the Captain’s mood. “I could get Jayne and tie him to a chair.”

Mal laughed and for a moment, a brief, brief moment, all was right in the ‘verse. But then Mal’s eyes darkened again and the mirth was gone. “I don’t think even Simon would be satisfied pounding a bound and gagged Jayne into bitty pieces. An neither would I. Doctor don’t need ta be hurtin’ his hands.”

“No, I suppose not.”

With a sudden fierceness that Zoe should have expected, Mal whirled and dealt several hard kicks to the co-pilots chair. “All because of me. They were hurt because I broke a deal with that man.” With a pained cry, he proceeded to beat his fist into the wall next to the crew lockers and only stopped when he realized he was close to breaking something. He couldn’t kill Niska with a broken hand. . . well, he could, but it would be much more difficult and a hell of a lot more painful. And the only person Mal wanted to feel pain right now was Niska. Excruciating pain that lingered for a long while before death. He’d dreamed of the moment. It would come. If it was his last act in this life.

Zoe swallowed hard. Mal’s outburst was violent, but not unexpected. Truth was, she had been expecting it before now. The fact that her friend had managed to control himself to this point was a testament to his love for both Kaylee and Inara and his awareness of how the Captain of a ship should behave. It would do no good for him to lose focus now. There were parts of this saga that would play out very badly for them all if Mal chose to continue to bury his feelings. She needed to keep him thinking about the plan, how they would get to Niska.

“Did you teach the wall a lesson, Sir?” she chided, raising an eyebrow. She was not surprised when he whirled on her, anger burning in his eyes.

“You think this is a joke?” he ground out between clenched teeth. “I’d beat every creep we ever dealt with to death if I thought it would get us closer to Niska and you know it.” Mal swallowed hard and tried to again calm himself, but he was finding it near impossible. He knew that when he finally gave into his anger it would take a long time to pull himself out of it. It was why he had resisted for so very long.

“Why don’t ya then?” Zoe asked, continuing to egg him on.

“Do you want me to take a swing at you?” Mal asked, incredulous, thinking for a fleeting moment that his first mate had truly lost it. “’Cause so help me, Zoe, I’m so angry right now I’d do just about anything to get rid of this rage.” He stared at her for a long moment, a showdown between two raging bulls.

Unexpectedly, the weight of what he’d just said hit Mal like a ton of bricks. Slumping unceremoniously to the floor, he let his head fall forward to rest in his bruised hand as he tried to keep the angry tears at bay. “I’m sorry, Zoe,” he muttered, his voice barely audible through his hands. “I didn’t mean – I’m sorry.”

Zoe knelt in front of him, not touching him, but ready to listen now that perhaps he was finally ready to talk instead of simply hit things.

“I’ve never,” he began, faltering as he realized what he was about to put into words. “I’ve never been so in love with someone, Zo,” he admitted, a shuddering breath escaping from his lips. “But God help me, I am so in love with Inara and that baby, I think I would die ten times over to keep them safe.”

“But you couldn’t,” Zoe interjected, trying to gauge his reaction. It was easier as an outsider looking in to see where he placed the blame.

Appearing even more beaten, he did not meet her gaze. “I couldn’t. I didn’t. I failed ‘Nara again.”

Puzzled, Zoe asked, “again?”

"Every time I let her walk off this boat, every time I called her a whore, every time I did something to hurt her, I failed her, and now I've failed her and my kid in the worst possible way." He stopped again, his voice breaking with heavy emotion. Finally, he was able to grind out, "And I don't know how to begin to live with that." Zoe wasn't a stranger to the kind of pain Mal was experiencing. She had felt it and then some the minute Wash had died. "You just do, sir." Raising pain-filled eyes to her, Zoe felt her own eyes prickle with the sting of suppressed tears. "How?" "By doing everything in your power to make sure that your family never suffers like that again." She felt her voice grow hard and steely with the conviction of the statement. The truth was, she had failed the two women up in the shuttle as well, and in turn had failed Mal and Simon because she had not been able to keep the promise she had made after she'd buried her husband - to protect her family, this family, at all costs. Zoe was seeking retribution just as much as the man who sat before her now. "So, we kill the bastard." It was less of a question and more of a statement, and Zoe was glad to see Mal's head lift up a bit, his shoulders straighten as he again refocused his attentions on doing the only thing he could - kill Adeli Niska. It wouldn't erase what happened, just as killing all those Reavers all those months ago hadn't brought Wash back, but it would give closure to this whole messy chapter in their lives. And then they would be forced to deal with the fall-out. Once that happened, they'd be able to live again. "That's right, sir," Zoe said coldly, her own gaze turning to a place and time where Niska would be at the receiving end of her sawed off shot gun. "We kill the bastard."

TBC

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Coming next: The epilogue : The crew goes their separate ways.

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