Surreality 5
Thursday, July 7, 2005

Again, to those in the know...these still really aren't funny:

My wife and I are painting the living room. A pleasing brownish color called Chatham Tan. The really cool thing about it (And, I'll never tell my wife this) is that now that its done, I sit on the couch with all my remotes and pretend I'm in the Batcave(TM).

Doritos now claim to be better tasting. Didn't anyone learn the lesson when Coke starting tampering with things?

There is a receipt taped to the desk above me in the tool room. On it is a price for a 1/4" Female Nipple....$1.01. Now, I'm not an alarmist or anything, but you'd think chick nipples would be a little pricier.

I lent my Firefly out again...To fantastic results for once. Not only did my friend from work love it, he converted someone else at the same time!

I bought a large Whatchamacallit bar before we drove to Kentucky last weekend...And forgot it in the van...When I found it, of course, it was melted all to hell. I picked up the bar as it slowly wilted over, and took it to my refrigerator. Later, I had a Whatchamacallit Salad!

My mother decided to enter all of her grandchildren in the Catfish Festival beauty pagent last weekend. My son caught a third place. My daughter didn't place, but, the announcer called her as the winner. My daughter got the flowers, the trophy, and the tiara...the whole nine yards...for about three seconds. Then they took it all away from her and gave it to someone else. I was mad as hell about it, but I knew if I showed any emotion, then the people around would think I was mad because my daughter lost. Not the case. I was mad that I had to explain to my daughter that she didn't get a crown, after they had already given it to her. They told us later that the announcer left in tears. My response: "Good."

My mother's horses managed to ruin another otherwise good vacation. We were setting off some fireworks...The horses got spooked and ran for the hills. All I wanted to do this time was ride a horse. But, my mother considers her horses too fragile after this, and my brother was the only one who got to ride. And, we didn't get to set off anymore fireworks for fear of upsetting the gorram horses. I'm beginning to like dogfood and glue more and more.

I think that's all the weirdness I have in me for now...more to follow, and I'm a font! A VERITABLE FONT!!!


Thursday, July 7, 2005 1:56 PM



Those evil bastitches! Taking a little girl's tiara. Shame on them!

I was a champion baby/toddler contestant...until it became obvious I was weird. No more trophies for mom and dad. I tried a pageant when I was a teenager...Miss Chick, yes I know it sounds awful but it occurs during the Rooster Days Festival...I came in dead last. How cool is that? Really last. Check the judges score cards. It was funny...the tornado sweeping the onstage chairs away, not so funny, but the coming in last was hilarious. My geeky band friends were so proud.

"I think that's all the weirdness I have in me for now..."

I hope I never say that!

Thursday, July 7, 2005 10:06 AM


Also, I LOVE whatchamacallits. They rock. And I just love saying it. Whatchamacallit.

Could care less about Doritos, don't eat 'em anyway. But people always have to mess.
Take oreos: there is absolutely nothing wrong with the oreo. It is the epitome of all the is right with the cookie. Yet mess with it they must. Now there are all different kinds, backwards ones and peanut butter and mint and chocolate COVERED ones and swirly ones and different coloured ones for different seasons. When does it become enough? Why can we never just be satisfied with what we have? I for one, just prefer the plain old original oreo.

Thursday, July 7, 2005 7:59 AM


Yeah, what is up with those "better tasting" Doritos? They taste like crap! Who on earth was complaining about the old Doritos? And why can't they bring back Taco Supreme flavor?!

Thursday, July 7, 2005 7:54 AM


And also, I am also upset at what they did to your daughter! Poor thing. Did she handle it well? I would have wailed, too. And I'm a grown-up...ish.

Thursday, July 7, 2005 7:54 AM


Sorry you didn't get to ride the horses, Pez, I know you were really looking forward to it.

Thursday, July 7, 2005 5:09 AM


I'm glad there is someone else in the owrld who likes Whatchamacallit bars as much as me. Every once in a while I get in the mood for one, and people look at me like I'm on crack. Apparently, they don't know what I'm talking about.

How did your daughter take the disapointment to having her honor taken? I hope she was a bigger girl than I would have been. I would have wailed and cried. Poor thing.


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