TALK STORY

growing up with a bipolar parent

POSTED BY: BORIS
UPDATED: Wednesday, June 23, 2010 04:32
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Monday, June 7, 2010 4:31 AM

BORIS


Just had a very long heartfelt with my little brother on skype...we could see each other but I couldn't hear him so I had to type responses...its taken the poor bugger the best part of 39 years to come to terms with the fact that we had a crappy childhood because our mother is an untreated bipolar person and our dad couldn't protect us from it. He's also realised she aint gonna change unless she takes the steps...which is unlikely as she's so far buried into her woe it's become comfortable for her down there. I've kept trying to urge him to let things go and just get on with his life, but something has always held him back from achieving his dreams...now I find out its because my brother Mr Uber loved by everyone(and in a good way because he's funny and open minded and quite charming when he's not irritating me) has been trying to fit in his whole life and realised its overrated...He asked me to explain it to him. I told him the idea of fitting in is a fallacy...what you want is a sense of belonging when you find people you connect with on a healthy level. trying to fit in just leads to despair.


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Tuesday, June 8, 2010 10:26 AM

NIKI2

Gettin' old, but still a hippie at heart...


Oh my; you and your brother have my deepest sympathy. I'm bipolar...but "Bipolar II", the milder and slightly different kind, and it's difficult enough these days with meds and therapy, I can't imagine what you went through growing up with an untreated parent.

My mother was posthumously diagnosed as bipolar and my dad as depressive, so I know where my genes come from, now. But I wasn't dx'd until I was 48 (I'm 61 now), so I, too, spent my whole life trying to fit in (for a different reason of course) and somehow knowing I was "different". I look back now and all the signs were there, but because my behavior wasn't severe enough, nobody ever knew. My life would have been so different if I'd only known when younger!

Have you or your brother ever been checked? We can have genes from any kind of mental illness and they can manifest as any other (with exceptions), so you never know where it will pop up or what manifestation it will be. We aren't "born bipolar", you probably know by now; we're born with a gene that gives us a "predisposition" to manifest, which is brought on most often by childhood trauma, or later in life by a physical cause or other trauma.

Please do tell him, as you already have, that there's no such thing as "normal", and fitting in is a futile effort which only stunts your chance at a good quality of life. On the site I run for mental health, we refuse to call them "normies" (a term often used by those with diagnoses); for me they're GUMs, the "great undiagnosed masses". I think if psychiatry and science continue (long after my death!) they'll determine that EVERYONE has some sort of mental issue that can be given a "name". As it is, we're only diagnosed as mentally ill if our symptoms "severely affect our ability to function", and most people I know have a "touch" of this or that. It's nothing to even think about unless it severely affects one's life.

I can't imagine the things you must have gone through. Yes, back then little was known, so unless someone was hospitalized or incarcerated, and sometimes not even then, did they get help. My mother never knew--nor did I know about her problem, but I have more than enough memories of my childhood to be able to get just a glimpse of what you must have endured.

The mood swings are hard enough for a child to deal with, especially not knowing why--and far too many children grow up thinking there's something bad or wrong with them as a result of their parent's difficulties. It's a shame it took so long to understand mental illness, and even now medication is iffy and there is no physical "test" for it.

I can tell you that growing up with a mentally-ill parent, especially bipolar or schiz--ends up with the child carrying around many "messages" they internalized as a child because they couldn't understand otherwise which may haunt them the rest of their lives. I found great help in therapy, especially EMDR, in being able to go back, hear those messages from an adult viewpoint, and see that it was about my MOTHER's issues, not about me at all. I hope your brother can come to that realization, because I would bet his desire to fit in is at least partly the result of things he's not aware of which he internalized at a young age.

No, you're right; the chances of your mother ever getting treatment are next to nil. I hated my mother for years, until in her old age she came to live with us and one day the mask slipped off and I saw the anger underneath and how screwed-up her mind could be, and it freed me. I realized in time that trying to help her would do her more harm than good; as people like that get older, even if one COULD make them face reality, I think it would be dangerous to do so. If faced with all the things she had done, my mother might well have been harmed irreparably, and she was so old by then, it was easy to pity her.

You gave him excellent advice; if I were to give you any, it would be to accept him (as you already have) and repeat that message from time to time. Sometimes it takes a lot of repetition to get rid of the old messages, but it CAN be done, especially by someone who loves and respects you.

Beyond finding some you can connect with, a more important thing if he can do it is to learn to love and accept himself. There's a long lecture I could give you about how a lot of the subconscious feelings of "less than", or "not as good as" or other negative feelings we have about ourselves can be traced at the very bottom to "I don't deserve love" and deeper to "I don't deserve to be loved". That's a message that gets instilled in children who suffer unreasonable anger at the hands of their parents, and if he can conquer that one and come to love himself as obviously you and others do, his life will change dramatically. I can guarantee that.

Looking outward for support and love is good, but being able to accept it from OURSELVES is even better. He's obviously a very special person; the more you can get him to see that, the better. Judgment by other people is totally irrelevant in the greater scheme of things, and fitting in isn't just "overrated", it's unhealthy and wrong. I hope he finds/has found love, and that both of you get the high quality of life you so deserve and probably didn't get early on.

He's lucky to have you. I'm an only child, so I don't know what it's like to have a brother or sister who truly accepted and loved me; you're lucky to have one another; treasure that.

(Sorry this is so long; it's obviously a subject close to my heart, and I feel for both of you)

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Tuesday, June 8, 2010 5:35 PM

TATERTOT


Wow, my mother was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was about 14. My parents have been divorced since I was 12. So I understand where you are coming from. I actually haven't seen my mother since last summer. She never calls me anymore and I don't even know what her number is right now or where she is living...it is hard sometimes. I'm 18 now so I've only been dealing with these problems for 4 years ( well there has always been issues. I just never picked up on them until now) but being the adolescent years I really needed a mother then. It always seemed like me and my sisters were the mothers to her. This is a really hard thing to grow up with, but in a way it makes you a stronger person. It also made me and my sisters so much closer because we had to rely on each other most of the time.

Also, I sometimes fear I may be bipolar too...I do have the depression moments for sure, but I have yet to have a manic episode of any kind and I am afraid of that happening sometimes...

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Tuesday, June 8, 2010 6:16 PM

CHRISISALL


Quote:

Originally posted by tatertot:
I sometimes fear I may be bipolar too...I do have the depression moments for sure, but I have yet to have a manic episode of any kind and I am afraid of that happening sometimes...

If it hasn't occurred yet, don't worry.


The laughing Chrisisall


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Tuesday, June 8, 2010 6:16 PM

CHRISISALL


Quote:

Originally posted by tatertot:
I sometimes fear I may be bipolar too...I do have the depression moments for sure, but I have yet to have a manic episode of any kind and I am afraid of that happening sometimes...

If it hasn't occurred yet, don't worry.


The laughing Chrisisall


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Tuesday, June 8, 2010 6:17 PM

CHRISISALL


Quote:

Originally posted by tatertot:
I sometimes fear I may be bipolar too...I do have the depression moments for sure, but I have yet to have a manic episode of any kind and I am afraid of that happening sometimes...

If it hasn't occurred yet, don't worry.


The laughing Chrisisall


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Tuesday, June 8, 2010 6:24 PM

KWICKO

"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." -- William Casey, Reagan's presidential campaign manager & CIA Director (from first staff meeting in 1981)


Is there an echo in here?

Mike

On this matter, make no mistake. I want you to go fuck yourself long and hard, as well as anyone who agrees with you. I got no use for you. --Auraptor

This vile and revolting malice - this is their true colors, always has been, you're just seeing it without the mask of justifications and excuses they hide it behind, is all. Make sure to remember it once they put the mask back on. --Fremdfirma

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Wednesday, June 9, 2010 1:15 AM

BORIS


Hey tatertot. I understand you. You are right you do become stronger and I'm sure that you probably have your head screwed on better than most people your age.I'm fourty now but my childhood and teenage years were difficult. You and your sisters are really lucky to have each other. I was lucky to have strong friendships and friends parents to "mother" me when my own mum wasn't available...which was most of the time. My brother and I have only become closer since he had a daughter...also I agree with Chrisisall. If you haven't had a manic episode it's not likely. you will probably have times when you go through depression It can happen to all of us when we go through really hard times...the important thing is not to go it alone when you are down. Be around people who love you.

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Wednesday, June 9, 2010 1:43 AM

BORIS


Niki 2 Thankyou...what you said resonated and is pretty much what I said to my brother during a conversation I've been encouraging him to initiate for a long time (though typically for us there was a comical aspect to it due to the typing versus talking).I did get myself checked years ago I'm not bi polar which is a relief as I have Tourettes and am mildly autistic and I think that's enough to chew.I think dealing with Mum kind of dragged me into the real world and I some how went from being the most dysfunctional member of our family to the strongest. I have been back living with my folks for the last 4 years and mum's stuff just rolls of me now though sometimes I get "feelings flashbacks". As for my brother, he's been in therapy for about 18 months (his wife encouraged him after she and I had a few discussions) I feel he's finally starting to find peace...and yeah like you he has the milder form of BiPolar. Therapy has really helped him with that. I also have a dear friend with BipolarI but she manages it so well. she's really helped me come to terms with things...It sounds like you have used your experience to help others so again heartfelt thanks for your words :-)

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Wednesday, June 9, 2010 1:44 AM

BORIS



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Wednesday, June 9, 2010 1:47 AM

BORIS



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Wednesday, June 9, 2010 1:49 AM

BORIS



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Wednesday, June 9, 2010 1:50 AM

BORIS



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Thursday, June 10, 2010 4:50 AM

BORIS


wo! whats happening with the site..you try to post and it says it hasnt worked so you try again and again and it posts multiple times even though it says it hasn't...

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Thursday, June 10, 2010 5:34 AM

STEGASAURUS


Quote:

Originally posted by boris:
wo! whats happening with the site..you try to post and it says it hasnt worked so you try again and again and it posts multiple times even though it says it hasn't...



I usually go with the the cardinal rule of posting:

Press once to submit. If it posted it was meant to be.

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Thursday, June 10, 2010 3:24 PM

CATPIRATE


Boris you are not alone. Forgiveness is not about you forgiving them or vice versa. It is about forgiving all the pain that has been dumped on you and your brother so you both can move forward. Entering midlife this happens to many of us. When booze and drugs have entered the person hurt it buries them. This is a step forward with healing. A good book called I will Survive by Claudia Black helps it is an easy read.

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Thursday, June 10, 2010 3:26 PM

NIKI2

Gettin' old, but still a hippie at heart...


Apparently there's a glitch in the site, it's happened to me, too...you just go back to your post and click on "threads", go back in and there it is. Frustrating, I know, but I"m learning to deal with it!

Oh, good, Boris, sounds like you handle it really well with your brother. I can't believe you can go back and live with your parents...think I'd die first. Mine are both deceased (mom had me at 42 so they were more the age of my friends' grandparents). We cared for mom for three years toward the end, and both husband and I hated what she'd done to me, as well as not wanting to have anything to do with her, but it's the right thing to do, so we were stuck with it. At least by then, like you, she rolled off my back.

I know what you mean about "feelings flashbacks"...all too well! If your brother is bipolar II and is in therapy and has you and his wife to support him emotionally, he's damned lucky and half way there. They call us a "milder" form, but in actuality we're quite different.

Yes, I've worked with people with bipolarity ever since I was dx'd essentially. I used to pick up articles on developments and stuff and sent them all around the world for people who wanted them from the mental health website I was on at the time, headed up a local support group for a couple of years, and now have a website for those with mental illness...we're far and away mostly bipolar, and most of us have known each other for ten or more years, so it's great support. We'd love to have you or him (or his wife) join us if we can ever help or someone just needs to vent or be heard. My e-mail is nikovich@pacbell.net if any of you are interested (we had to close the site to the public because of phishing, so now only people who are approved can join).

For me, it was both a rude awakening and a blessing to learn what was "different" about me. I'd worked all my life...in the corporate world, one of the WORST places for a bipolar! I got the highest paying job I'd ever had, but there wasn't enough work to keep me busy, so I kept taking on more and more. One week after telling me I was doing a great job, the CEO called me in and said it just wasn't "working out". He said I was "trying too hard"--it was such a shock that it, along with some other things going on in my life, caused my first and only major crash--three months in bed and a diagnosis and meds.

I realized looking back that I'd been hypomanic for the three months I worked there--no wonder I made them uncomfortable!! As I said, if I'd just known when I was younger, my life would have been very different.

I self-educated immediately I was able to function again after dx, and continued to do so for years. Learned a ton, and if I can ever help by passing some of it on, I'm grateful to. If we ALL communicated, we could help each other avoid some of the things that happened to us, is my belief.

Can tell you a few things that might be of interest to your brother--will try to keep it short! For one thing, bipolars are frequently higher IQ, more artistic/creative, and harder workers than GUMs...the last of which can get us in trouble. Prime example is Ted Turner...we can burn out (which is what happened to me, I'm now on disability), we can also build empires, then self-destruct and tear them down, but that's usually bipolar Is.

We are members of an amazing group of famous people...if you look it up on the internet, you'll be astonished how many famous people were/are bipolar (or depressive--"unipolar"). Check out http://www.mentaljokes.com/famous_manic.html for a partial list--it will blow your mind! Didja know Jim Carrey is one of us? Only takes a second to think about it, nod and say "well, yeah", doesn't it? But some of the really famous ones, like Michaelangelo, Francis Ford Coppola, Beethoven, Mark Twain, Hans Christian Anderson, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Florence Nightengale, Tolstoy, Dickens, and my favorite, Lord Byron, can help us recognize that "different" can also be pretty fantastic.

In earlier times, we were either accepted as “eccentric” or committed, or hidden by the family. Kay Jamison (first self-outted bipolar psychologist, who has a couple of great books on bipolarity) posits that we are the “wild card” in the gene pool, and civilization wouldn’t have evolved as fast without us. We’re the ones “dumb” enough to strike two rocks together and get fire, for example. One of her books, “Touched with Fire”, goes into this at length, and I tend to agree with her.

Many of us survived being called drama queens, over-emotional and many other things—-my mother’s favorite was to call me “Sarah Bernhart” (a famous overly-dramatic actress, not the current Sandra) and I got a lot of the “you want something to cry about??? I’ll give you...” It’s hard sometimes, but once I accepted that yes, my emotions are closer to the surface, so what?, it became much easier.

Bipolar IIs are different in a number of ways. The biggest being we don’t get “mania”, we get “hypomania” (“less than” mania). On a scale of 1-100, 50 is “normal” (whatever that is!), 0 is catatonic depression, and 100 is psychotic mania. Bipolar IIs don’t go past 75, which is a blessing! It is also said of us that “the symptom defines the disease”, meaning we are rarely a simple 50...we are usually up or down, mildly or moreso, whereas Bipolar Is can function great for long stretches of time, then have a very dramatic episode which can land them in hospital...or worse. Our suicide rate is higher than the general population, but theirs is much higher. We have a better chance at keeping a healthy relationship, especially if we self-educate and get support and therapy.

Many of us learn what our triggers are, what time of year we are more likely to get a hypomanic or depressive episode, and methods of fighting back against either. For some, things like coffee or sugar can increase hypomania, and I know people for whom light boxes or those natural light bulbs help depression a lot. There’s a lot we can do to have the quality of life we deserve, if we’re willing to try. Self-education can be very helpful, and there’s a lot of good information on the internet.

The internet has been a blessing for those like us. In small rural towns particularly, people hide their mental illness for fear of stigma; the internet has allowed us to safely talk to the only other people who can truly understand what we go through, to get and give support, and learn how to fight our difficulties. The single best website I’ve ever come across for bipolars is out of Australia, it’s called “Fyreniyce” at http://www.mentaljokes.com/famous_manic.html . “Fractal”, who runs it, has wonderful self-deprecating sense of humor, and it covers literally everything about bipolarity...one could read for a week and not get through all of it, but it’s also a great reference for anything we want to learn.

Bipolar Is have it tough if they don’t “fight back”. I brought a woman over from England who lived with us for four years who was Bipolar I...it was quite an experience, to put it mildly!!! We had to send her back, we couldn’t deal with her...turned out she was also “borderline”, which may well be the single worst mental illness, including schizophrenia! Choey, a friend from my website who moved out from Michigan to live with us three years ago, is also bipolar I, but she handles it amazingly well...better than I handle my bipolar II, sometimes. It’s all up to the person, how much we want a high quality of life and how much we’re willing to fight for it. Support like your brother has is more important than words can say.

So much for “short”...sorry about that. I’ve spent so much time learning and sharing and seen it help now and again that my head is kinda full of stuff and I always want to help. I’m so glad your brother talked to you—too many of us hold it inside for fear of the stigma (which is less and less now, but still there); like I said, having support is tremendously important, so if we can find someone to reach out to, that’s fantastic. Sounds like his wife is a loving support too...like I said, he’s very lucky to have you both.

Tater, Chris (as usual) is right: It’s only a diagnosis if it “severely affects our ability to function”...otherwise, fagedaboudit, as they say. If it ever starts impacting your life seriously, there’s tons of help out here, otherwise, it’s a moot point. The only thing I'd say is if it ever DOES affect you severely, be sure to get a good psychiatrist for diagnosis--many of us end up being incorrectly dx'd as depressive (because that's usually when we seek help), and if so, putting us ONLY on antidepressants can cause us to go hypomanic/manic. Many people ended up in hospital because of that, so now we're usually put on a "cocktail" of both antidepressant and mood stabilizer. You also might have the mildest form, called cyclothymia, which can be dealt with quite easily. The main point, tho', is that unless it really gets in the way of your quality of life, it's irrelevant.

Like I said, almost all of us have tinges of this or that. I used to tap my foot in conjunction with the broken lines on the freeway if I wasn’t driving, and to this day when I start to slice something, I have to go like “48, 92, 36, 12..” in order to keep from counting the slices as I cut them. So I’ve got some OCD...so what? It’s not important unless it gets in the way of your life.

Okay, I'll shut up now.


Hippie Operative Nikita Nicovna Talibani,
signing off


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Thursday, June 10, 2010 5:45 PM

PIRATENEWS

John Lee, conspiracy therapist at Hollywood award-winner History Channel-mocked SNL-spoofed PirateNew.org wooHOO!!!!!!


I think all parents are bipolar, sometimes.

Depends how hard you provoke em.

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Saturday, June 12, 2010 2:43 AM

BORIS


Thanks for all of that Niki2. I'll have a think about joining your site :-). I think my brother need to process for a while before he thinks of anything like that. Another thing about you wonderfully gifted bipolar2's is you find it so hard to accept how amazingly talented you are...e.g. he and I are both artistic and intellectually inclined but in different ways. I am a textile artist, he's a musician , writer and filmamker...i write for fun, people like what i write, so to him that translates as he's not as good at it as I am...which is sooooo not true because he is a gifted writer.also I have an IQ of 169, which to me is completely meaningless and useless as I have moderate executive function disorder affecting how I learn. He doesn't think he's as intelligent as me, but is one of those people who doesn't have to study to ace an exam. He's only just starting to see the good in himself, but its early days...by the way he doesn't know he's bipolar 2...therapist rather smartly thought that info would be hard for him to handle at this time given what we've been through with our mum, and my brother's concerns about passing stuff on to his daughter...no troubles there though as my niece is pretty much a mini me.

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Monday, June 21, 2010 6:41 AM

NIKI2

Gettin' old, but still a hippie at heart...


Well, Boris, you just taught ME something, thank you. I never stop learning about this stuff, it's amazing. What you said about Bilpolar IIs having a hard time accepting our artistic abilities made me think, and you're asolutely right!

The only things I can think of is that Bipolar Is are so driven by their talents they haven't much choice but to recognize them and accept them, whereas for some reason, maybe because our talents are lesser or we are less driven or something, the Bipolar IIs I've known have more trouble thinking of themselves as "talented". I've been involved in everything from embroidery to dioramas (my favorite) to other forms of putting color and form together, but have always differentiated between actual "artists" and "craftsman" (which is what I consider myself).

In many case, bipolar end up being the "goat" in the family--the one who'll never be able to take care of themselves, the one the family dynamic puts in the "weakest" position...yet conversely, the one the rest of the family goes to for support. But we often (Bipolar Is, as well), get a lot of negative messages. Given I never was able to earn a living with my various enterprises, they were always "hobbies" to my mother. It wasn't until long after I was dx'd and had self-educated that I realized they ARE a talent, and they're a natural outlet for my bipolarity. Now I appreciate them for what they are.

I've known many like myself who, again, we encourage on the websites I've been on to recognize the good things in themselves, who initially--and sometimes always--disparage their abilities, especially where "art" is concerned. Sometimes we can encourage them enough to help them see through our eyes and appreciate what they do, sometimes not. It's always a crap shoot whether you can get through those bad old messages, but it's ALWAYS worth trying.

Please do join us whenever you feel like it. We're a very small bunch, no more than two dozen and really only ten or so regular posters, but we're a tight-knit group and every there is NEVER anything but supportive. We may be honest and say what we don't want to hear, but it's always gentle and the support is enormously helpful--I know because some of those who have long moved on will invariably turn up again when they need us, or even just to get back in touch.

Which is the way it should be and one reason I created the website. Websites like this are for fun and socialization; websites like mine are for socialization (since we're also often isolated IRL) and support and education. The people there are always really interested in meeting new members and welcome them into the fold as if they'd always been there. As it's a closed site, we can feel safe talking about virtually anything and know nobody's going to come down on us. Pretty much the antithises of RWA here ;o)

We'd love to have you--we have two Browncoats there, tho' they don't call themselves such, aside from myself. Not surprising, as I find "we" are everywhere, even in the most surprising places!

Well, needless to say I'm not at all surprised you're both talented and high IQ. It's almost invariably the case, I have found. And I'm like him, in that my oldest friend and I (still friends to this day) met in jr. high. All through high school I was rebellious (long story, mother stuff, she was bipolar AND had narcissistic disorder--I was a "mirror" for her, so my achievements reflected on her). I didn't do SHIT in school, and got Cs. Paula worked her ass off and got Bs. She went on to become one of the first female rangers, which took a lot of hard work and dedication. We've never wondered who's smarter or such, but I noticed it, and admired her for it. What we're born with isn't nearly as important as what we DO with it, and I never did much with any of the things I was "given" at birth.

You have an astute therapist; it sounds like it's very sensible to let him move at his own pace. That's a blessing; there are far more bad therapists out there, even well-intentioned ones, and FAR more bad p-docs (!). Finding one you can trust who's good at it is a real plus. I agree with her, and hopefully down the line he'll be able to recognize the truth and appreciate the GOOD things about bipolarity, because there are many, actually, especially for Bipolar IIs as we are much less in danger of hospitalizations, mania, etc.

I'll bet you're both empathetic...? We tend to be; I have theories about that, too. One of the things scientists posit about bipolarity is that our "filters" don't work as well as GUMs', so we get too much input and have difficulty sorting it out. Like when our minds race and we seem to be able to think on several planes at once. I think this extends to the possibility we access parts of the brain others don't, subconsciously of course, so are more able to empathize and intuit what we experience of others.

Another thing you might find interesting is that while some of us USE our higher IQ to defend ourselves--as in "Well, I'm smarter than you so...", it's invalid. A high IQ is nothing without a high EQ, and we often have little or no EQ. Can come from using our brain to survive our childhood, can come from the sense of isolation, knowing we're "different", or something else, I dunno. It's one reason people who build empires are often seen as looking down on those around them...which of course further isolates them and eventually (especially with Bipolar Is) leads to self-destructing the very same empire. Ted Turner is a perfect example, tho' he's managed to avoid complete self-destruction.

HOW we can be more empathetic and yet have a lower EQ I haven't figured out, but I'm still working on it!

I tend to ramble (you hadn't noticed!), so I'll stop now. I don't get up here a lot, I'm pretty much always in RWE (my joy is language and debate and discussion and learning, which I get more than my fill of down there!). Partly also that I "talk" about my own issues and life more on Haven, so I come here for intellectual stimulation.

The only sites I've ever been on before FFF were mental health forums; it speaks to Firefly yet again that it's the first and only time I've been motivated to go to a fan site, and found it so wonderful I now spend more time here than there! But I ramble in both places--used to apologize for it but stopped long ago. I figure nobody has to read if they're not interested, and I've made some very special friends by being as open as I am about just about everything. Also enemies, since I went to my first Firefly website, as I was unprepared for the RWE mentality! But I've learned TONS about that from you guys, too, and it's helped me grow. Still ramble, tho' ;o)

Take care; once again, your brother is incredibly lucky to have you, his wife and his therapist--we should all be so lucky!




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Tuesday, June 22, 2010 2:04 AM

KANEMAN


Quote:

Originally posted by Niki2:
Oh my; you and your brother have my deepest sympathy. I'm bipolar...but "Bipolar II", the milder and slightly different kind, and it's difficult enough these days with meds and therapy, I can't imagine what you went through growing up with an untreated parent.

My mother was posthumously diagnosed as bipolar and my dad as depressive, so I know where my genes come from, now. But I wasn't dx'd until I was 48 (I'm 61 now), so I, too, spent my whole life trying to fit in (for a different reason of course) and somehow knowing I was "different". I look back now and all the signs were there, but because my behavior wasn't severe enough, nobody ever knew. My life would have been so different if I'd only known when younger!

Have you or your brother ever been checked? We can have genes from any kind of mental illness and they can manifest as any other (with exceptions), so you never know where it will pop up or what manifestation it will be. We aren't "born bipolar", you probably know by now; we're born with a gene that gives us a "predisposition" to manifest, which is brought on most often by childhood trauma, or later in life by a physical cause or other trauma.

Please do tell him, as you already have, that there's no such thing as "normal", and fitting in is a futile effort which only stunts your chance at a good quality of life. On the site I run for mental health, we refuse to call them "normies" (a term often used by those with diagnoses); for me they're GUMs, the "great undiagnosed masses". I think if psychiatry and science continue (long after my death!) they'll determine that EVERYONE has some sort of mental issue that can be given a "name". As it is, we're only diagnosed as mentally ill if our symptoms "severely affect our ability to function", and most people I know have a "touch" of this or that. It's nothing to even think about unless it severely affects one's life.

I can't imagine the things you must have gone through. Yes, back then little was known, so unless someone was hospitalized or incarcerated, and sometimes not even then, did they get help. My mother never knew--nor did I know about her problem, but I have more than enough memories of my childhood to be able to get just a glimpse of what you must have endured.

The mood swings are hard enough for a child to deal with, especially not knowing why--and far too many children grow up thinking there's something bad or wrong with them as a result of their parent's difficulties. It's a shame it took so long to understand mental illness, and even now medication is iffy and there is no physical "test" for it.

I can tell you that growing up with a mentally-ill parent, especially bipolar or schiz--ends up with the child carrying around many "messages" they internalized as a child because they couldn't understand otherwise which may haunt them the rest of their lives. I found great help in therapy, especially EMDR, in being able to go back, hear those messages from an adult viewpoint, and see that it was about my MOTHER's issues, not about me at all. I hope your brother can come to that realization, because I would bet his desire to fit in is at least partly the result of things he's not aware of which he internalized at a young age.

No, you're right; the chances of your mother ever getting treatment are next to nil. I hated my mother for years, until in her old age she came to live with us and one day the mask slipped off and I saw the anger underneath and how screwed-up her mind could be, and it freed me. I realized in time that trying to help her would do her more harm than good; as people like that get older, even if one COULD make them face reality, I think it would be dangerous to do so. If faced with all the things she had done, my mother might well have been harmed irreparably, and she was so old by then, it was easy to pity her.

You gave him excellent advice; if I were to give you any, it would be to accept him (as you already have) and repeat that message from time to time. Sometimes it takes a lot of repetition to get rid of the old messages, but it CAN be done, especially by someone who loves and respects you.

Beyond finding some you can connect with, a more important thing if he can do it is to learn to love and accept himself. There's a long lecture I could give you about how a lot of the subconscious feelings of "less than", or "not as good as" or other negative feelings we have about ourselves can be traced at the very bottom to "I don't deserve love" and deeper to "I don't deserve to be loved". That's a message that gets instilled in children who suffer unreasonable anger at the hands of their parents, and if he can conquer that one and come to love himself as obviously you and others do, his life will change dramatically. I can guarantee that.

Looking outward for support and love is good, but being able to accept it from OURSELVES is even better. He's obviously a very special person; the more you can get him to see that, the better. Judgment by other people is totally irrelevant in the greater scheme of things, and fitting in isn't just "overrated", it's unhealthy and wrong. I hope he finds/has found love, and that both of you get the high quality of life you so deserve and probably didn't get early on.

He's lucky to have you. I'm an only child, so I don't know what it's like to have a brother or sister who truly accepted and loved me; you're lucky to have one another; treasure that.

(Sorry this is so long; it's obviously a subject close to my heart, and I feel for both of you)




So now you are old, fat, and Bipolar.....Hilarious.

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Wednesday, June 23, 2010 4:32 AM

BORIS


Hey Nikki 2 ramble away...it does you good and it doesn't hurt anyone :)

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