I don't own them, I just enjoy massive confusion.

I probably should have had one of y'all beta this one. It's about 5 times as long as the usual Dino Tales, and attempts to follow all 6 dinos and all 9 humans as Plan M unfolds. Since that's a lot of things for my brain to keep track of, I apologize if the humor breaks down or it gets confusing.

Special thanks to ShinyGeeket for the suspenders idea, and also to Bellona for a comment left on another Dino Tale that I cribbed for some of Mal's dialogue.

*******

9:00 AM, Pilot's console, Bridge.

"It is time, my dino brethren! Check in!" Steggy balanced himself on top of the flight stick, surveying his domain - ah, how this blinking land had nurtured them, but now it was time to thrive - before commencing the final offensive. He listened with satisfaction as his troops came on the radio, one by one.

"Check!" Monroe.

"Check!" Annie.

"Check!" Julia.

"Check!" Steve.

"What am I checking for, Steggy? I don't see anything." Lucy.

Excellent. All present and accounted for. "It is at these times, my friends, that my heart swells with reptilian pride. For many years, we have been locked in battle with the human oppressors, painfully and artfully thwarted at every turn. But we have persevered. Some of us have battled for many moons, while others have only recently joined our cause. But I know I can count on each of you to acquit themselves well in this conflict. It is an honor to serve with each of you!" Steggy wiped a small tear from his eye. "Monroe! Commence the attack!"

"Yes sir!" Monroe raised his small, dino sized radio to his mouth. "Cry havoc, and let slip the dinos of war! Onward to victory!"

And with Monroe's words ringing in their ears, the dino army's newest plan sprang into action.

**

9:01 AM, Captain Reynold's Bunk

Steve quietly circled. The tall one had not noticed the small, yellow pterodactyl sneak into his room last night. This human was the leader, the rock the other clung to when things got rough. Steggy had deemed it critical that the tall one be neutralized as soon as possible, throwing the remaining mammals into chaos as their captain was rendered helpless. Steve had been tapped to disable him as efficiently as possible.

Steve had immediately known what his plan would be. The tall one had a weakness; a chink in his otherwise fashionable brown armor. All the dinos had to do was exploit that weakness and watch the human power structure crumble.

Spying his prize, Steve smiled to himself before diving down from the ceiling and grabbing them in his sharp talons, then swooping away to hide among the cross-braces in the ceiling. "This is Steve," he said into his radio. "Target secured."

**

9:01 AM, Crew Quarters

"Gorramit. Zoe!" Mal climbed out of his bunk, one hand on his trousers. "Zoe! You seen my suspenders?"

Zoe climbed up out of her bunk as well, giving her captain an incredulous look. "Care to explain to my husband why you think I know anything about your pants, sir?"

"Well, no. But to be fair, my pants are right here....just a mite looser than I like." He wiggled his waistband for emphasis. "An' speakin' of Wash, ain't he supposed to be flyin' the ship?"

"I believe so, sir." Zoe turned and looked down her hatch. "Wash! Get up!"

Wash's voice drifted back up from his room. "I am a pilot in the bed! Watch how I snore!" There was a clang as Wash hit the switch to close the door, blocking out the beginning of Mal's next objection.

"Well. So far I'm missin' some clothes, and my pilot slammed a door on me. Lookin' to be an interestin' day." Mal was pretty sure it wasn't healthy to be this irritated so early. He considered wandering down to the infirmary and asking the doctor about that, but decided that Simon would most likely just irritate him more.

"Missin' somethin'? Try askin' the moonbrain. God knows what she gets up to while the rest of us is sleepin'". Jayne made an appearance from his room, wearing nothing but a towel and clutching a bar of soap. Zoe and Mal stared. "What? Ain't never seen a man on the way to a shower?"

"Not when that man was you, no."

"Well, first time for everything, then." With a wave, Jayne wandered aft towards the passenger dorms.

"OK, then. Now I'm missin' some clothes, my pilot slammed a door on me, an' my mercenary is actually bathin' without a direct order." He looked at Zoe, hoping she had an explanation.

"Don't make sense to me either, sir." She turned back into her bunk. "But I think I'm gonna get my gun an' pay the doc a visit."

"Why?"

"'Cause every time you have an interestin' day, somebody gets shot."

**

9:01 AM, Engine Room

"This is Steve. Target secured."

Julia nodded with satisfaction as she snuck through the heating vents. With Steve's announcement, the remaining dino forces could begin the systematic takedown of the remaining humans. The next target would be the greasy one: her command of the systems and defenses of Serenity needed to be broken as soon as possible. With no rescue or orders coming from the tall one, Monroe had suggested that Julia try a frontal attack in the Engine Room, as the greasy one was usually not involved in combat operations and made a soft target, and once successful the dinos would control the power systems of the ship.

Julia paused and looked down from the vent. There. The greasy one was leaning over the top of the engine, just as expected. This would be shamefully easy. She briefly considered embellishing the story when she reported in. She gathered her legs under her, ready to spring and attack the human in her soft, unprotected neck.

But the Fates were cruel today. At the moment of her jump, the greasy one dropped a tool. Julia could only groan in dismay as the human cursed and scurried under the engine to retrieve it, leaving Julia with a direct shot into the engine intake manifold. With a thud, Julia became wedged in the spinning turbine, dropping her radio and watching it shatter on the floor below.

She joined the greasy one in cursing as the engine slowly ground to a halt, cutting out main power while the emergency lights flashed on. Steggy would not be pleased.

**

9:01 AM, Engine Room

What was that? Kaylee was sure she heard a small crash while she was trying to find that damned wrench. What idiot decided to mount the engine with a compartment underneath it, anyway? Looking over her shoulder, she didn't see anyone in the room.

But she immediately noticed the sound of her engine powering down and sprang to her feet. "Oh, baby, don't do this to me. I can fix ya, just tell me what's wrong." Kaylee began cooing to her engine as she spent several minutes flipping switches, hoping to get a spark of life or at least some type of diagnostic. Nothing. The engine wanted to turn, she could feel it, but it just couldn't. Probably a blown fuel pump again. Fireflies stored their fuel in tanks mounted inside the drive end of the ship, and sometimes the pump from the lower deck just up and quit for no reason. With a sigh, Kaylee stored her tools and headed towards the aft stairs.

**

9:05 AM, Shuttle One

Annie and Monroe stepped over the threshold of the glamorous one's shuttle. Their plan was simple: lock the glamorous one in the shuttle, where she could not interfere with the rest of the dino operations. The worst she could do was engage the shuttle's engines and leave, and that was really the point, wasn't it?

Monroe was in fine spirits as they entered the shuttle. "You've done well today, Annie. I am pleased that you've decided to come to the fore of our battle!" He favored her with a solid and commanding nod.

"It's no trouble, Monroe. You have such a dangerous job, and I want to be sure I'm on hand in case of any....accidents." Annie batted her lashes, hoping she was getting through loud and clear.

"That's very kind of you....wait!" Monroe spied some movement. "Quickly, Annie! We must hide!" He hustled the smaller dinosaur back behind a tapestry as the glamorous human walked by on her way out the door. With a hiss, the door slid shut with them on the inside.

Monroe peeked out, and huffed a bit as he realized that the door control were a good four feet above his head. "It appears we are trapped, Annie. Let us hope the offensive still works as planned."

"Oh, no! Monroe! What if they catch us here? I'm too young to be melted down for soda bottles!" Annie burst into tears.

"There, there..." Monroe awkwardly patted Annie on the back, unsure of how to deal with a crying compy. "I can assure you, Steggy will never allow - "

"You'll protect me, won't you?"

"Of course, Annie! It would be....my...pleasure?" Monroe suddenly found himself face to face with Annie, her eyes wide and pleading.

"Monroe..."

"Annie...."

**

9:05 AM, Shuttle One

Oh, you had to be kidding. Didn't anything on this ship work right? Inara often wondered why she even bothered paying rent - it's not like she actually had privacy or functioning utilities. And now, apparently she didn't even have basic power.

With a grumble, she followed the emergency lights out of the shuttle and down to the cargo bay floor, where she found Book and Zoe halfway through rearranging some crates. "I take it we're having a mechanical problem?"

"It would seem so. I expect Kaylee will have it fixed soon enough." Book leaned on the crate he'd just moved.

"I hope so. I was right in the middle of a very important blood test for River's medication." Simon joined them from the direction of the infirmary.

"No worries, doctor. I'm sure it's nothin' major," Zoe assured everyone. "Just sit tight an' everything'll be fine."

**

9:10 AM, Common Room Shower

Lucy was bored. She'd been assured her part in the plan was important: wait in the shower, and ambush any humans who might try and take refuge there. So far, none had. "Rubber dinos, you're the ones! You make bath time lots of fun..." Lucy found that singing to herself was actually rather entertaining.

Oh! Lucy perked up as the shower door opened, and the burly but stupid one lumbered in. "I've got you now!", she told herself, before popping up from behind a bottle of shampoo and grinning wickedly, right as the overhead lights flicked off.

**

9:10 AM, Common Room Shower

"Gorramit, Kaylee. Can't even keep the lights on." Jayne groused to himself as he wet his hair, the lack of full lighting not bothering him in the slightest. Wouldn't be the first time he took a shower in the dark. He reached for his shampoo bottle.

"What the hell?" Jayne started when he grabbed plastic - not the expected bottle of soap, but instead a slender plastic neck. He pulled it forward and squinted at Lucy's toothy maw. "Jesus! What the hell is that?!" Jayne dropped Lucy and retreated out the door. Despite his lack of dress, he managed to produce a gun and began firing wildly into the room, missing Lucy but doing a fine job of destroying the porcelain.

"We're bein' invaded! Zoe! Preacher! Get yer guns! Monsters!"

**

9:10 AM, Shuttle One

Monroe broke off their heated embrace for a moment, listening to the sounds of battle. "Ah! The humans are attempting to resist! We shall triumph gloriously!"

"Yes, Monroe! Oh, yes!" Annie would agree to pretty much anything he said at this point.

"Ah, Annie! You are truly a team player! This pleases me greatly! Now die!"

"What?!" Annie jerked away, shocked.

"Sorry, force of habit. Now kiss me!"

**

9:10AM, Main Cargo Bay

Inara, Zoe, Book and Simon jumped at the sound of gunfire. Within seconds, Zoe's gun was in her hand and she began advancing on the door to the common room. She pulled up short when Jayne came charging around the corner, clutching his towel with one hand and a gun with the other.

"Gorram monsters in the head!" Jayne felt he had to get the warning out before resuming his battle. "Y'all just stay here while I take care of it. Ruttin' lizards!" He ran back towards the bathroom with an animal cry.

Simon blinked once into the ensuing silence, dreading the question he just had to ask. "Just fine, huh? Was Jayne wearing a towel?"

Inara nodded, looking somewhat scandalized - quite a feat for a Companion. "Frankly, I'm more interested in why he had a gun in the shower. Is it common for all the crew to take firearms to the bathroom?"

All eyes turned to Zoe, who blushed a bit. "Sometimes," she admitted. "But only small ones. The bigger ones get in the way of those hard to reach places."

Inara pursed her lips into a line and shook her head, obviously trying to clear the image of Jayne, a gun, and little else. "I withdraw the question."

**

9:15AM, Galley

What the hell? Gunshots on his boat? Damn. Zoe had been right about that interestin' day after all. Mal hiked up his drawers and headed for the cargo bay.

**

9:15AM, Captain Reynold's Bunk

Steve was very nearly asleep. Once the adrenaline surge of his triumphant mission had worn off, he found that he had nothing to do but hide and wait for word that the humans were captured or dead. He had almost managed to nod off - what was a little nap while he waited for the others to clean up? - when he heard the door click open.

Uh oh. Not good. The crazy one was slowly climbing down into the room, a dreamy look on her face as she stared right at his hiding spot.

"Hello, Steve," she whispered. "You took Daddy's things, and the bunnies are cold without their blanket. But don't worry, I won't tell." She hummed softly to herself as she reached in and grabbed him, pinning his wings so he couldn't fly away. She quickly put him in her pocket, before retrieving the tall one's missing items.

"Come, Steve. Let's go play with Daddy. His armor is sundered and that just won't do." She patted Steve affectionately when he attempted to struggle. "Hush. I'll tell Steggy it wasn't your fault."

**

9:20AM, Main Cargo Bay

"Oh, God. He's shooting at the bathroom again, isn't he?" Simon pinched his nose bridge in annoyance as the sounds of gunfire resumed, but was suddenly struck by a thought. "Has anyone seen River lately?"

Book cocked his head, thinking. "No, not since we all headed up to breakfast and were interrupted by the start of another normal day." He hiked a thumb towards the howls of Jayne in combat, seemingly unconcerned by the copious amounts of lead being emptied into the ship.

Simon, on the other hand, found himself very concerned. "What if she's back in there while the big ape...Oh, God! He could kill her!" Simon sprang for the doorway, but was stopped by Book's hand closing on his arm.

"Son, I'm sure your sister is fine. But I think it best you stay with us while Jayne has a gun."

"Why? Jayne always has a gun!"

"He also usually has pants," Inara chimed in. "Probably safer out here."

Simon was quiet as he thought about this. "Point taken. But I still think I'll - "

He never got to finish his sentence as Mal appeared at the catwalk, looking wildly down into the cargo bay. "What the hell's goin' on down there? Zoe? The only gunfire I allow on this boat better be directed at the doctor!"

"Hey!"

"I believe Jayne's having a disagreement with the shower, sir. He seems a mite tetchy about it." Zoe leaned back against a crate, arms folded, and utterly amused. You couldn't pay for this kind of entertainment.

"Huh. So he's not shootin' at Simon?"

"Apparently not, sir. Possibly River, though."

"Damn. Best stop him, then." Mal walked - or more properly, eased - his way down the stairs, holding up his pants with one hand. Inara met him at the bottom, quirking an eyebrow at his gait. "Not a word, woman. Seems these pants ain't as tight as Kaylee likes to believe."

"Of course not, Captain. Your secret is safe with me. And eight other people." Inara had to employ every ounce of training to not burst into laughter. The snickering from Zoe, Book and Simon would have to hold her over.

Mal fought back a blush and cleared his throat. "Jayne!" His blushed faded into irritation when Jayne answered him with more gunfire. "Gorramit, Jayne! Hold your fire!" Mal gathered his pants and strode purposefully towards the door.

For the first time in his career, Jayne actually obeyed a shouted order from the captain. He tucked his gun into the waistband of his towel, and ran full-speed, back out to the cargo bay. Right as Mal made it the doorway.

The meaty thud as captain and mercenary collided made everyone wince. Both men fell to the floor from the impact. Jayne's towel and gun fell away, momentum carrying them forward to land at Simon's feet. Simon stepped back in horror. Mal, attempting to catch himself, lost his grip on his pants, which immediately fell to his feet, confounding his efforts to get up. The rest of the crew just stared in silence as Mal and Jayne writhed on the floor, trying to untangle themselves and retrieve their respective articles of clothing.

"Gorramit, Jayne! Watch where you're goin'! An' where the hell are your pants? An' why do I gotta ask you that so often?"

"There's a gorram lizard in the head, Mal! I was just tryin' to protect the womenfolk!" He nodded towards Simon, Inara, Zoe, and Book. "No offense, Zoe, Shepherd."

"You protectin' 'em by shootin' up the shower? An' while you're so busy protectin' the 'ladies', where's Kaylee? Gorram lights are still off!"

"Right here, Cap'n. I....wow!" Both men stopped struggling as Kaylee stepped into the cargo bay. "Lights go out, an' we start gettin' naked. Someone shoulda told me!" She considered Mal and Jayne. "I think the Cap'n's winnin', Jayne. Nice shorts, though, sir. Bunnies are awful cheery."

"Now, Kaylee, you just run on back to the engine room an' get the lights on. Don't need to be seein' this." Mal's blush was returning.

I ain't goin' nowhere, Cap'n." Kaylee snorted derisively as she looked around at the assembled crew. Finally, her eyes settled on the doctor. "So. When does Simon get a turn?" She smiled devilishly. "Bet I can beat the pants offa him. You like bunnies, Dr. Tam?"

**

9:20AM, Bridge

"Excellent! The sounds of human dissention are like the finest opera!" Steggy did a little victory dance atop to flight console, while humming a few bars of "Les Miserables.". "Soon, we shall rule over all the universe!"

**

9:22AM, Main Cargo Bay

"Look, Mal, I done told ya there's a monster in the shower! I ain't makin' it up." Jayne was livid that no one would believe him. "Not like I'd shoot out the wall just for the hell of it." Six pairs of eyes rolled in unison. "Well, OK, I would, but not this time!"

"Jayne, I am gonna slap some sense into you if it takes all ruttin' day!" Mal advanced on Jayne with a glare in his eye - and pants at his ankles - but was pulled up short by River yelling from the catwalk.

"Captain Daddy! Hurry! The bunnies are getting frostbite and it's ruining the festivities!" She waved his suspenders over her head. "Their mothers will be upset."

Mal and Jayne both jumped, the captain grabbing his pants while Jayne dove for his towel. "Doc! Pretty sure your sis ain't supposed to be seein' this much horseflesh!"

"Neither are we, for that matter." Inara indicated the rest of the crew.

"Oh, 'Nara. I don't mind. 'Sides, ain't like we haven't seen it all before. Hell, Capn' an' Jayne without clothes is damn near a sport 'round here."

"I stand corrected."

Simon immediately ran up the stairs to his sister, checking her over for injury. "River! Where were you? I was afraid you'd gotten between Jayne and the...uh...shower monster." He gave Jayne a sidelong glance while Zoe snorted.

"I'm fine, Simon. I had to help Steve and the bunnies." She smiled sweetly at Mal as he toddled up the stairs, hands once again holding up his trousers. With a flourish, she handed over his suspenders.

"Thank you, albatross. I ain't gonna ask who Steve is nor why he had a portion of my pants, but I sure am glad to get them back." Mal quickly assembled his clothing and assumed his usual bearing now that he had two free hands. "All right. Here's what's what. Kaylee, go fix the gorram ship. Doc, take care of your sister. Jayne, go put on some pants an' patch up them holes in the shower - and you are hereby banned from carrying a gun anywhere near our bathin' facilities. Zoe, help me finish movin' them crates. Everyone else, go do somethin' useful." He turned to grab a crate, but though of one more thing. "Oh, and since y'all are so amusing, I'm orderin' each of ya to never, ever mention anything you saw in the last 30 minutes, dong ma?"

"Yes sir, captain cotton-pants!" Kaylee gave Mal a mock salute as she headed back towards the stairway. Everyone else looked at each other, snapped to attention, and also saluted their captain before heading off to their respective tasks. **

9:25AM, Shuttle One

"I cannot believe I just saw all that." The glamorous one was laughing to herself as she returned to the shuttle, surprising Monroe and Annie as she walked in. They sprang apart, each one coughing nervously and blushing.

"Annie, I...uh...it seems we are free!" Monroe resorted to bluster in the face of embarrassment.

"Yes, Monroe. We should return forthwith and see how our plans have fared." Annie cleared her throat and nervously adjusted her med kit.

"Indeed. Let's....that is....please, lead the way!" Monroe gestured for Annie to step out of the shuttle ahead of him.

"Thank you." She moved past him, looking somewhat hurt.

"Annie, wait." She turned hopefully as Monroe fumbled about. "We....you....that is, us....we should discuss this further, perhaps over a warm mastodon?"

Annie smiled a huge dinosaur smile, all gleaming teeth. "I'd like that, Monroe." Together they made their way back to the bridge, tails entwined.

**

9:25AM, Engine Room

"Come on, come on....got it! Success!" With a pop, Julia managed to work her tail out of the engine intake. She waited patiently - going round and round and round and round - while the engine got up to speed, and used the momentum to fling herself clear of the turbine and out into the hallway.

"Hmmm. It appears our plan has hit an unfortunate snag. Steggy must be advised at once." She started off in the direction of the bridge, but quickly ran into a wall. "Why is the room spinning? The cunning humans must have devised a new weapon!" She hurriedly stumbled away.

**

9:25AM, Bridge

"This is quite disappointing, my friends. What have we learned from today's missions?" Steggy was a firm believer in debriefing his troops. The humans were clever, no doubt, but could eventually defeated once enough data had been gathered.

"The burly but stupid one is both more burly and more stupid than anticipated." Monroe was making a concerted effort to pay attention, but kept jumping when Annie periodically goosed him.

"I saw fireworks!" Lucy was still amazed at the stunning display of pyrotechnics right over her head. It completely made up for her not getting to attack the burly but stupid one.

"The humans have a very new, disorienting weapon. We must learn its secrets at once!" Julia was convinced she'd been attacked by the greasy one's advanced weaponry, and was already plotting vengeance.

"The crazy one is more perceptive that we have given her credit for. I recommend any new plans neutralize her immediately. Perhaps the stuffy one can be employed to control her?" Steve was still shaken from his brush with human contact. He'd need to spend many hours bathing to remove the foul stench of mammal.

Steggy listened to his soldiers, making notes and forming ideas in his head. "Very well," he said, when they had all reported. "While I regret the failure of Plan M, we have gleaned much useful information about our adversaries. With this new information in mind, I have devised a new plan. Assembled dinos, I present....Plan N!"

**

9:25AM, Wash And Zoe's Bunk

Wash snapped awake. "Zoe? Lamby? You here?" When no answer was forthcoming, he sat up and scrubbed a hand over his face. "Huh. I just had the strangest dream...."