Author's note: The language and subject matter are a little more mature here than in the previous story, but still a long shot from anything inappropriate.

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It may be said that misery loves company, but what it truly enjoys is an audience. An audience brings out the full bouquet of misery, adding depth and dimension to that which is otherwise simply uncomfortable.

"Hey doc! You gettin' any with the little mechanic yet?"

"What? No! I'm not going to discuss this with you!"

"No? So yer still in the Joo Fuen Chse then. That's good. I been thinkin' of takin' it upon myself to console the young miss myself, if you know what I mean."

Jayne had learned in his life to raise lechery and its accompanying skills to a fine art. Thus, when he uttered the word 'console', it was with a leer that would have made a Santo pimp blush red to his ears. It had the desired effect.

"No, you will never in a thousand years even think of laying your hands on her!" Simon was going from nettled to furious.

"Ah, what kind of say do you got in anymore." Jayne taunted smugly.

"I happen to know that she'll never abase herself to the point of... of... you!" Simon stammered, finishing lamely as words deserted him in his fury.

"Oh, so all of a sudden you know what I what now?" a soprano voice cut in from behind him, and his fury turned to icy despair.

"Kaylee, please," he pleaded, "I'm so sorry. I just-"

"Naaah, don't want to hear it. I'm just here to get the company of a man who don't always think people's beneath him." she looked Jayne up and down theatrically. "You look like what I'm needin'. You comin'?"

"Hell, yeah." Jayne said, clearly not about to let an god-sent opportunity like this go to waste.

"God, no! Kaylee, you can't-"

"Oh, no you don't!" Kaylee cut him off again, this time in voice only a few degrees warmer than the area beyond Serenity's hull. "You don't never get to tell me what to do! You gave that up when you showed what you think of me!"

"Bao bei..."

"No. Come on Jayne, we've gots 'stuff' to do."

Jayne wrapped an arm around the diminuative engineer and escorted her from the galley, sneaking his hand down to fondle her posterior while the doctor could still see them. One man's hell was sure another's heaven.

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As soon as they were out of Simon's sight Kaylee shoved Jayne away from her.

"The grab was a nice touch and all, but don't go gettin' no ideas." she told him primly.

"Hey, but I though you was all hot to trot!" Jayne replied indignantly.

"No. Not for all the Mannerheim engines in the 'Verse." she said. "Givin' Simon what he deserves is one thing. Givin' you what you want is so far out of the picture you ain't never gonna find it."

"Meh Lien Duh Jyah Jee!"

"Don't you wish? Now scram, I got an engine to take care of if we wanna reach somewhere."

****************************

Mal noticed the doctor, and more importantly his incredibly depressed expression, and ducked into a side corridor before he was noticed.

"Captain, can I talk to you for a bit?"

Apparently, he wasn't quite fast enough.

"Ah, I'm really busy at the moment. You know, captainly things. No time for chit-chat."

"Captain, please, just a moment. It's about Kaylee."

Well, no, really? Why do you think I'm tryin' not get into no conversation? Mal felt like asking rhetorically.

"Really? That's, uh, nice." he said, still trying to head away from the doctor, only to run into an electrical maintenance panel. He apparently had picked a dead end. "Look, maybe some other time."

"It's just that she's still mad at me," Simon continued, apparently oblivious to the fact that he'd had to corner Mal just to get the conversation this far. "and I'm worried about the things she'll do to keep me out."

"Yeah, I know it tough..." Mal temporized, looking for a way out, like an emergency exterior hatch. He'd take vaccum any day over this.

"And now she's gone off to sleep with Jayne."

"What?" Mal asked in shock, then the mental image hit him. "NO! Don't you people ever learn that I want exactly nothing to do with stuff like this? An' I wanna hear about it even less! I ain't no counsellor!"

"But I need some advice! I can't seem to get her to forgive me!"

"And you want advice on women from me? You must be catchin' somethin' from your sister, 'cause I sure ain't the one to turn to on that. Go talk to Inara, this kind of stuff is what she rakes in the cash for. Well, that and whoreing, but you know..."

"I talked to Inara last time, and when Kaylee found out that only made her angrier. And I really don't want her and Jayne-"

"Joo Koh! I don't want to hear it! I didn't ten seconds ago, and I still don't now!"

"But I don't know who else to talk with about relationships. I'm afraid to ask Zoe in case Kaylee gets mad again."

"Relationships? I never wanted no gorram relationships on my boat in the first place! Look at the bloody mess we're all in because of them!"

With that, Mal decided to bite the bullet, shoved the doctor out of the way, and fled as quickly as he could. He was looking over his shoulder so much that he almost ran into Kaylee.

"Wong Ba Duhn!"

"Oh, sorry cap'n." Kaylee said, her vaunted cheer shining a little through her preoccupation with her own problems.

"It's okay." he said grimly. "At least I didn't find you with Jayne."

"What?" Kaylee looked puzzled for only a minute. "Oh, you musta been talkin' to Simon. Nah, I wouldn't do nothin' with Jayne, I just needed to let that Pi Gu know exactly what I think of him at the moment."

"So, uh, Simon's still in trouble?"

"Oh yes, he's definitely in F’n Zse."

"Look, I probably shouldn't say this, but can't you just let some of this slide? You two're makin' it awful difficult to live here."

"Excuse me?" Kaylee said, instantly ratcheting up the tension. "Are you seriously trying to tell me how I should feel."

"No, just... look... I... Argh!"

In frustration, Mal shoved her aside as well and ran for the safety of the ship's bow. The stern held both the infirmary and the engine room, the domains of the people that were litterally chopping years off his life with their antics. He reached the empty bridge and sealed the door behind him. He wasn't going to take any chances this time.

After locking the door he headed for the pilot's seat and collapsed into it, eyes closing in weariness. Relationships were always so complicated, it was no wonder he tried to keep them out of his life. He opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling.

River stared back.

"Rung Tse Song Di Ching Dai Wuo Tzo!" Mal stammered, once his heart started again. He leapt from the chair and watched as she dropped to the floor. "What would possess you to do that to a guy?"

"You wanted to be alone."

"And you couldn't just leave? The normal way?"

"I didn't think you'd want to see me, it would just... remind you of why you came here. Besides," River nodded towards the door. "you made sure that I can't get out that way."

"You know what?" Mal said. "I'm just going to lock myself in my cabin and if anyone needs me short of Persephone that's too gorram bad.

****************************

"Kaylee! Please open up!" Simon was banging on the closed hatch to the engine room.

After a couple of interminable minutes, the hatch opened minutely and Kaylee appeared. She was soaked in sweat and her clothes looked like they had just been hastily put back on.

"What, Simon? I'm kind of in the middle of something."

"Look, I know you're mad at me. I know that I screwed up. I'm sorry, but please don't sleep with Jayne."

"Whyever not?" Kaylee retorted. "And you might just be a little too late to ask that!"

"I love you, and I can't bear thinking of you with anyone else. Please, no matter how mad you are at me, don't do this to us."

Kaylee's heart almost melted at that, and it took a conscious act of will to actually remind herself why she was mad at him.

"That's very touching... now. You couldn't have thought of that earlier, before you called our child an infection? No, you're not gettin' off near that easy. Now I've got somethin' to finish that's gonna take me hours, unlike any time I ever spent with you!"

And with that, she slammed the hatch closed in his face.

Feeling his world come crashing down around his ears, Simon stumbled back into the galley. He made it to the table before noticing Jayne at the kitchenette counter.

"You!" he shouted, his finger pointed accusingly. "What are you doing here?"

"Me? Fixin' myself a sandwich. Protein on toast. Puts hairs on yer chest."

"But..."

"What's the matter doc? Y'ain't never seen a protein sandwich before?"

"But if you're here, then who's with Kaylee?"

Jayne shrugged, careful not to let the doctor know how disappointed he was that Kaylee was apparently enjoying herself, and not with him.

"I dunno, but I ain't seen the captain for some time."

"No." Simon scoffed. "I just ran into him. We talked about how Kaylee was mad at me and... was... going..."

As Simon trailed off in horror, Jayne warmed to this idea. It seemed to be getting great results.

"You know, Kaylee did always kind of have this thing for the captain. It'd be a ruttin' shame if he exploited that inna moment o' weakness or some such."

"No, he wouldn't... he's the captain..."

"Then there ain't no right way she can say no now, can she?" Jayne watched as the doctor start to hyperventillate, then added, "'Course, I dunno if it is the captain, could be one of the ladyfolk."

Simon looked at him incredulously.

"What?" Jayne asked. "They got needs, same as the rest of us!"

Simon continued staring at him.

"Well, could be that it's Zoe, or yer sister, or Inara..." Jayne realized what he had suggested there and a look of pure pleasure came over his face. "'Scuse me, I gotta go to my bunk."

As he exited rapidly from the galley he couldn't resist one final shot.

"Hey, for all we know the captain's in the bridge, showing yer sister a good time."

The look on Simon's face, as he was torn between checking up on River on the bridge and Kaylee in the engine room, was one that would keep Jayne chuckling to himself for a long time.

****************************

Back in the engine room, Kaylee locked the door again. With the secondary hydraulic coupling seized, the entire place was warming up like a sauna, enough to make wearing clothes difficult. With the hatch closed to keep everyone, but especially Simon, out while she fixed it, the heat was almost unbearable.

Besides, she though naughtily as she stripped back to her undergarments and picked up a spanner, if Simon thought that she was up to something else then it only served him right. But he had worked up the courage to actually tell her how he felt, so she might actually forgive him soon.

Soon.

Not now.

She hummed away happily as she tinkered around in Serenity's inner workings, confident that all was going well in the 'Verse.