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BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - HUMOR
The much anticipated continuation of a raid on a nice little secret Alliance testing facility. Sorry it took so long.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 986 RATING: 9 SERIES: FIREFLY
River’s head was instantly filled with new thoughts. Eis’ sister was actually his sister again. It was almost overwhelming, instantly having so much more in her head. So many memories, fears, and sorrows. And, a name.
“CADE!” the young woman screamed. Eis’ eyes were wide open with pain, to much in shock to speak. His sister pulled the spike from his chest, and blood started instantly pouring out. Mal went to pull his gun, but River rushed into the cell.
“Put pressure here!” she stammered, but when she turned to look at Eis’ sister, she was wide eyed too. It was then River realized that her thought’s were fading away. She was dying.
“Cade?” Susan whispered, and crawled over to her brother. “I-” He looked at her with hurt eyes, but there was still a spark in them. Still life. Life enough to-
Suddenly the bleeding slowed down. “Get... Patch,” he stammered to gritted teeth, blood coming up through his mouth.
“Simon!” River called. Her brother came rushing over.
“Cade, I’m sorry. I tried to help you,” Susan kept whispering over and over. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
Eis turned his head to Susan. “D-don’t be. You h-helped me get out.”
“So you could come here and let me kill you?” She was running out of breath. Eis, however, was seeming to get slightly better (painkillers... gotta love ‘em).
“Susan, I’m not going to d-die,” he said. She looked at him with glazing over eyes. “At l-least I really hope not.” She smiled.
“I love you,” was the last thing she said, before she slumped over onto River. Eis then passed out. And, if things couldn’t get much worse.
“FREEZE!” Mal wheeled around with his gun to face four alliance guards. “Drop the weapons!” they coaxed.
“Well,” Mal began, “y’see, there’s a problem with that statement. I really don’t want to do it.” He was looking the front officer right in the eye. He saw fear and boredom mixed together- a dangerous combination. That officer wanted to shoot somebody, and Mal was the one holding the gun.
“Y’know, there are only three of us,” Mal stated. Only Zoë, him and Kaylee were standing out of the cell, which the guards could not tell was open. “Wouldn’t be much honor, seein as you all have superior numbers AND firepower. In fact, you all are so close together, someone could drop a steel beam on ya and it would kill you all!”
“Yes, well, too bad you don’t have a steal beam...”
“No, no I don’t,” Mal surrendered, holstering his gun. “Zoë, how far can you jump with another person with you?” Zoë seemed to wonder for a second, glanced left and right, caught on, and smiled.
“Oh, I’d say far enough, sir.” Kaylee was completely confused.
“Ok, then. Boys, in about 12 seconds, we are going to drop our guns, and jump away from them so you can do your fine, fine work.” And with these words, he grabbed one hand of Kaylee’s, Zoë grabbing the other, and dove into the cell. Then, not a steal beam, but a grenade, leapt out from around the cell and landed right in the middle of the tightly packed group. A following loud boom ensued.
“Ow,” explained Mal, tapping at his now deaf left ear.
“Nice steal beam, sir,” Zoë smiled. Then she looked at Eis. “Can he move?”
Simon shook his head. “Yes, but that would require us carrying him.
“Well then,” Mal said, “we would be needin’ an extra man, now wouldn’t we?” He got up, checked the now big black spot of men outside, and went over to the cell marked WASHBURNE, HOBAN. Inside, a clump of sheet was on the bed, moving slightly.
“River, is this him?”
River probed and heard thoughts not so different from “OMG I’m gonna DIE! AAAAAAAH!!!”.
“Yes, it’s him.”
“And what is the co-”
“Right,” Mal said. This was never going to get old. Soon Zoë was right behind him. “Ready to get your husband back, Zoë?”
“Honestly, Sir, I really don’t know. I kinda like havin that whole bed to myself.” Mal smirked and entered the last digit of the password. The door opened to reveal a quivering pile of cloth. As Mal looked around, he saw a variety of crude, tinfoil shapes.
“What is it with you and action figures?” Mal asked asked aloud. It took the pile of trembling sheets to recognize the voice, and then Wash whipped out of his bed and stared incredulously at Mal and Zoë. Zoë smiled, and leapt onto Wash’s bed. Mal left the room to go check on Eis.
“So they are alls ‘ere?”
“Yes, they are.”
“Evin’ that rat-bum pilot?”
“We have had him here for a long time.”
“Good. Li’le Malcom still owes me some money. Long overdue surgery expenses, see...”
“So, are we ready to disembark for home?” Mal asked, eager to get out of the place that was much too white.
“Just as soon as Zoë and Wash finish up saying hi,” Simon said, glancing over to the muffled sounds coming from the cell.
“Time to go, you two,” Mal shouted in. “Feds will be all over us-” ::cue bullet narrowly missing main character:: “-soon. Honeymoons over guys!”
Mal saw at least twenty feds running (in a loose formation) towards them, all armed to the teeth- literally.
“What is in their gorram mouths?” Mal shouted, several more bullets whizzing by.
“This is what we need all the guns for,” Eis muttered.
“Really. I thought they were fer’ stirrin’ the gorram stew!” Jayne yelled. Two more grenades went flying around the corner from the bif merc. Jayne smirked. “Merry-” They came flying back around the corner, “-Shit.”
“Remind me, how did we get by that again?” Simon asked, running down the hallway, holding up his smoking pants.
“Simple really,” Mal started to explain, but then was caught up in trying to hold on to what little ash he had covering his back.
There was now at least 60 armed tactical troopers following them, and the only reason they were still tracking tthe convicts and not calling back to say some catchy phrase like “we have a kill, no code needed,” was simply because of Jayne. Eis hadn’t been joking when he said all they really needed was Jayne.
“You ‘taint no Reaver!” Jayne yelled back to a now very unconscious soldier. But even with the very thorough advantage Jayne had over even five men, there was only one of him. Zoë was too preoccupied making sure Wash didn’t get himself killed again, and River was guarding Eis. That left Mal, Simon, Inara and Kaylee. Arg.
“Kaylee, it would help if you were to fire your weapon!” Mal shouted to his mechanic, who had a very overwhelmed look on her face.
“I think this thing ways more than me, Capn!”
“That means you probably only have to shoot it once,” Mal reassured her. Then, on second thought, “in the right direction!”. She whimpered, held the gun up, and shot. Mal was right. While Kaylee was blown back a good five feet, the 20 some troops that had previously been bullying the hunkered down crew were... Everywhere. Y’know, in that really really bad way.
“Kaylee?” Mal called back, now very worried that his mechanic might be scarred for life. “Are you all right?”
“Shiny,” replied a very dazed Fry. “I’m just a little dizzy is all... really.” Then Mal saw something.
“Les go Mal,” Jayne yelled back. “They all have run off. The pathway to the dock is open. 100 feet. Escape. Erm, Mal?”
But Malcom was looking at the opposite doorway. The doorway with Badger standing with two blue handed men. Badger, though, had a very deep shade of purple.
“’Ello Mal,” Badger said in a very Badger voice.
“Uh, Badger,” Mal said, smiling and nodding his head. “So, uh, nice place. I like the security, but the decor is a little off...”
“Shut up,” Badger said in a disgusted voice. He was wearing a matching suit as the blue handed men. “You know, Mal, you still owe me somethin’. I have done so much for you, but all I get is a li’le bulle’ in the eye, see. I don’t think very highly of tha’. I think it would be time to put an end to you.” Badger smiled. “And the rest of our illegal salvage.” He pulled out a small, round stick. “Goodbye, Mal.”
River, on the other hand, had a different idea. Unbeknownst to Badger, the only reason the other two agents hadn’t pulled out their ebolafirers was simple- Eis was still conscious, and he still had enough strength to hold them in place.
“Remember, the legs,” he whispered up to River, who now clutched her blades very firmly. She waited for the right second, and then pounced.
Unfortunately, Badger had learned a few moves since last seen, and instead of hitting his legs, River put a blade right into his stomach. Badger didn’t even wince. River pulled out, swirled the ax above her head to bring it down to Badger’s arm. If she couldn’t hit his legs, she might as well make it so that he couldn’t fight. Direct hit. The blade sunk a good inch into his left arm, but then stopped to make a metallic clang.
“Oh now, tha’ would pose` a problem, now wouldn’t it?” River growled, pulled out and landed several more strikes down onto his arms and head, but it seemed like he had an armor lining all the way around his body. Then, he stumbled. His right legs flew out, and River had no hesitation. She went all out on the leg, hitting it 5 times before she realized nothing was happening.
“Oh, my. I forgo’ to tell you,” he began. “I am completely indestructible’!” He gave a crewel smile and got a death hold on River’s throat.
“I have been ever since I sent your crew into the ol’ ba’le of the sturges, see. Got shot by some of my... lesser, customers. Luckily, the all mightey’ Alliance thought I was too valuable to waste, see. You never did kill me Mal. And no one ever will.” He started laughing, and River took the time to ram one more blade into his leg, just to make sure. Badger threw her across the room and she hit the opposite wall.
“Oh, and by the way. That niou-fun ship you have is going to be blown out of the sky once we finished with you. I must admit, you did a fine job getting past the security. We will hafta tighten that up, now wont we?” He laughed. “Goo’bye, Mal. I won’t be seeing you-”
Suddenly there was an ear shatering explosion. A thick, black smoke filled the room and everybody coughed. The sound of small debris falling down from the ceiling was everywhere. When the smoke cleared, there was no Badger. There was no blue-handers. Hell, there wasn’t even that floor. A bunch of very confused scientists where gathered around looking up through a gaping whole in their lab’s ceiling. If you where to look at this scene, the first thing you would probably see, would be a panting Kaylee holding a very large gun and looking very pissed at the moment.
“Liou coe shway duh biao-tze huh hoe-tze duh bun ur-tze,” she huffed. Wash, Zoë, Simon, Mal, River, Eis, Inara, and Jayne were all looking incredulously at the little mechanic who was nusto-crazy about her ship.
“So...” Mal said after about five seconds of awkward silence. “Do we really need a new compression coil?”
The unusual suspects rushed out of the terminal. The guards had stopped perusing, choosing their own lives over something that could probably be taken out by the satellite security system. The shuttle was landing in autopilot and all of them piled on. After heading into atmo, a blip came on the screen.
“Fighters!” Jayne shouted. He jumped to the copilot seat next to Inara. He quickly typed in something on the console.
“I... don’t remember that being there,” Wash started. There was a jerk from the underside of the shutting, and 8 seconds later the blips from the radar went away.
“Things change, honey,” Zoë comforted. “Wait till you see our lovely home.”
Apparently, by now the Alliance had learned its lesson about sending small bits of nothing, as suddenly a very large blip appeared on the screen.
“GUNBOAT!” Jayne yelled at the top of his lungs.
“Were almost to Serenity,” Inara said.
“And this will help how?” Wash asked. Zoë patted him on the head. “Change, sweetie.”
The shuttle docked very quickly (so much that Jayne even said ‘hmm’ to Inara) and River went right up to the bridge.
“Change?” Wash asked Zoë again. She nodded. River kicked up all the primary systems and the radar bloop came closer. River went on full burn and exited atmo, but it was too late. The gunboat had already hit the afterburners and was rocketing towards them. River looked up at Jayne.
“Cappy,” was all she spoke.
Jayne nodded. He left the room. “Kaylee, we gonna see what cappy does!” River continued to try and get a couple extra seconds for Jayne to activate the weapon.
“Everybody hold on to something” she said into the intercom. Then it struck. Six balls radiated from Serenity in all five directions (woulda been six, but you don’t really want to run into one, do you). Each one then released it’s own balls. And those released theirs, and so forth. After about 5 seconds of this, the ball clusters lit up with a great, blinding yellow light. The yellow light grew and grew until each one was easily twice the size of Serenity herself. The gunboat had come to a stop, and was now backing up, but it just could seem to escape the lights. Slowly, it began to speed towards it, and collided, making a massive explosion of... yellowness. When this explosion reached the other clusters, it made a similar explosion. When that explosion reached the other clusters, it make a very very big... explosion. When this light field cam in contact with the giant missile satellites, though, it became enormous. For a civilian weapon, it was not meant ot come in contact with such high-energy and density materials as the Gitmysium used for the missiles, and thusly, created somewhat of a 200 gigaton nuclear detonation.
Serenity, by this time, had gotten a very long way aways, and had deployed their newly acquired solar sails. Now, let me take some time to explain how, exactly, Cappy works. Cappy is short for Atomic Capsule Magnification Device. It is mostly used (by civilians) to protect a large fleet going to colonize a planet. What happens is simple. The clusters of balls generate a lot of potential energy. In fact, it goes into a completely new kind of potential energy. So much so, that any little thing will set it off. The density of the “thing” (in which case, an Alliance gunboat) will depend on the size of the explosion generated. But, when that explosion came in contact with a material such as Gitmysium, It made a really really really big boom. Eis had counted on this, and had bought some good quality solar sails. Y’know, catch the photons generated by the large explosion and hitch a free ride for about halfway on the return trip. What he hadn’t exactly figure out was that there was this thing, see, called a planet, very close to this expanding field.
ie, Serenity was about to get a very very big hitch.
“So,” Mal said in his easy going ‘we so just pwned the alliance’ tone, “we should be easy sailing before that field gets to us, right?”
Eis, on the other hand, had just realized his mistake. “Away before it gets to us, yes.” He looked up at Mal. “Easy sailing, no...” Mal’s eyes widened to the point of a puppy. “And what exactly does that mean?”
“It’s about to get hard,” River said. “And bumpy.”
Just then, the ship gave a massive lurch. The photons had latched on. Everything started shaking, and Mal could hear all the good plates fall in the kitchen. He put his head in his hands (or... tried to).
“It’s going to be a long ride home...”
Sunday, January 29, 2006 5:31 PM
Monday, January 30, 2006 12:41 AM
Monday, January 30, 2006 6:20 PM
Thursday, February 02, 2006 3:17 PM
Thursday, February 02, 2006 11:53 PM
Friday, February 03, 2006 10:29 AM
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