BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL

MAL4PREZ

The Fish Job: Chapter 1
Friday, January 13, 2006

The crew finds a new job and Mal finds new trouble


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 5973    RATING: 9    SERIES: FIREFLY

Disclaimers and such:

It all belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the rest. Distribute freely, etc.

Please leave feedback, and be honest, I can take it! I’ve never written fanfiction, or any fiction, before, but I’ve started with an ambitious storyline, I really want to know how it works!

Many thanks to Guenever, BlueEyedBrigadier, and vera2529 for doing beta on this monster. The good news: it’s just about fully written, so I’ll try to post the new chapters (there will be 19 or 20 total) as soon as the beta and fixes are done. Oh – and I hope I get all the formatting right, bear with me if I need to edit a few times…

It begins just after Objects in Space. As things go on, there’ll be some violence, a little sex, and a fair amount of dark juicy angst. And lots and lots of Mal.

I hope you enjoy, I loved writing it! It’s an excellent way to spend more time in the ‘verse than 14 episodes and a movie will allow.

Sept 2006: Chapters are being updated so you can scroll your mouse over the Chinese to get the translation.

* * * * * *

“Gorram, look at that!” Jayne stared open mouthed as a burly man in a bright red vinyl apron swung a giant silver fish over a counter. “Can I get one Mal?” The fish flew through the air, missing Jayne by inches, to be caught by another aproned worker and slapped onto a cutting board. A knife flashed and the fish fell into neat fillets.

“Vera might get jealous about you bringin’ home another pet.”

Niú shĭ, you eat ‘em, you don’t keep ‘em as pets!” Jayne thought about it. “Or could ya?”

“Not on my boat. Your bunk smells bad enough already.” Mal scanned the aisle ahead, trying to see through the tightly packed mass of shoppers. The walkway was lined with ice-filled display cases packed with every kind of sea critter one could imagine.

“Let’s get one to eat then.” Jayne pushed through a mob of arguing women to keep up with Mal.

“For the cost of that one fish we could buy enough protein to feed the crew for a week.”

“Uh-huh. With the added bonus that the protein tastes like ass.”

“Oh, the hardships we intrepid explorers face.”

“You don’t wanna get a fish, just say so. No need to be callin’ me names.”

Mal rolled his eyes with a sigh, then caught sight of something strange through a break in the crowd. He pointed at the giant blue fish; its gaping mouth was surrounded with prickly bristles like a beard. “Long lost relative?” he asked Jayne.

Jayne’s lip curled. “Ha. Very funny.”

“There is a resemblance …” Mal continued, but Jayne was already distracted by the next stall.

“Hey, how bout one of them red buggy lookin’ things? Think they taste good?”

“We are actually here for a job.”

“Don’t mean we can’t sample the local kwa-zeen. You think they’re all green inside? Like space aliens?”

“Ain’t no such thing as space aliens.”

“How d’you know? Those things sure look weird enough.”

Mal saw the stall he was looking for: Big Ricky’s Delight of the Sea. “That’s the place up there.” He stopped for a second to hold Jayne’s attention. “Do me a favor and don’t talk for a few, OK? This could be a good contact to make; I hear this guy’s tied in to big stuff. Sure as guĭ he ain’t just manager of a fish market stall. We got us an easy job for good pay, and likely more of the same to come if we don’t screw it up. I don’t want to be scarin’ him off.”

Jayne puffed out his chest. “I don’t need to talk to be scary.”

“Ya. Don’t think you’re clear on the kind of scary I’m talkin’ about. Just keep it shut.” Mal finished with a look of warning, then continued along the aisle. Jayne wisely kept his reply to an under-his-breath mutter, then had to cut through a swarm of people gawking at a water tank to catch up to Mal again.

“Mal, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you don’t trust me much.”

“You know better?”

“Ya, OK. But I am not completely incompe… uh, I mean… I can do stuff right.”

“Let’s not start testin’ that idea today.”

They reached the stall and Mal greeted the aproned worker cheerfully. “Hi! I’m here to see Ren-ren Lu. Name’s Malcolm Reynolds, he’s expectin’ me.”

“Ahh, Captain, of course. Right this way!” The worker lifted a gate in the counter and guided Jayne and Mal through a door in the back of the stall. They passed through a shabby kitchen area full of crates and questionable odors. The second room back had a table piled with papers and Alliance credit notes. A small Chinese man with plump red cheeks rose as soon as they entered.

“Captain Reynolds, an honor to welcome you!” He trotted to Mal, then stopped with his hands clasped before him and bowed.

“Ren-ren, the honor is all mine.” Mal returned the bow. “This is my, um, ‘mute’ cabin boy, Jayne Cobb.”

Jayne frowned at Mal, then rebelliously turned to Ricky to display his speaking prowess. “Nĭ hăo, Mister Lu.”

“Please, call me Ricky.” The man inclined his head at Jayne, then gestured toward the chairs around the table.

“So, Captain, you are able to take cargo to Oeneus?” Ricky asked after they were all seated.

“Not a problem.”

“I warn you: cargo is not illegal, but Alliance not happy about it.”

“And I do hate it when I make the Alliance unhappy.” Mal leaned back and folded his hands over his stomach with a grin.

Ricky snickered and shook a finger at Mal. “I hear this about you, Captain Reynolds. But, understand, things change here in past year. My products sell good on many developing worlds, like Oeneus. Fish based proteins, seaweed, veggies, rice. Sauces and tasty spices. Very desirable. Prices not so low as Blue Sun, but taste is much better, and just as easy for transport and storage. Business take off. I begin to attract attention of Core corporations - they do not like me moving into market.”

“They startin’ to come down on ya?”

“No law say I cannot sell - but Alliance need no law to have own way.”

“Ain’t that the sad truth,” Mal muttered.

“Especially where much money involved. I am careful. They do not know where to find me, how to shut me down. But they will want to know. I never see Alliance cruisers around Oeneus, but only matter of time. You will need to be careful also.”

“I was born careful Ricky.”

“That is why I hire you. The cargo is at docks on south end of Sydney, berth 7. I give half payment now.” Ricky pulled a stained envelope from under a pile of papers. “The rest paid when you unload at Atalanta station in Oeneus orbit. My associate will meet you.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“If this work okay, Captain, could be much more jobs to come. The market grows, I am always looking for transport.”

“It’s a pleasure doin’ business with you, Ricky, and I wouldn’t mind doin’ more.” Ricky nodded with a satisfied smile and slid the envelope across the table.

“Uh, Cap’n?” Jayne asked as Mal took the envelope and stood up.

“Yes, Jayne,” Mal replied with an impatient sigh.

“Ya think we can get some of this fancy Chinee food stuff? All that protein’s been killin’ me,” Jayne patted his belly with a grimace.

“Of course!” Ricky said. “I throw in meals for your crew to try. Free samples.” Ricky opened his arms expansively. “You get good food, I make new customer. Everybody happy!”

* * *

“I’m so glad you stayed on board,” Wash said as he snuggled into his favorite place: the long curve of Zoe’s neck that fit his cheek so perfectly.

“It’s a cinch job. And Mal owes me a little time off.” Zoe flipped the sheet aside and wrapped her arms around her naked husband.

“Oh, you asked him then, did you?” This spot also allowed him to nip at her collarbone.

“Well... he told me I could take a break. But only because I hinted… strongly. Stop it!” She broke into giggles, as much as it was possible for a woman like Zoe to giggle. She rolled away from his persistent nibbling, but Wash pursued her, making use of a certain area on the back of her neck which he always found responsive to a stubbly chin.

“So you told him,” he spoke awkwardly as his chin worked, “that your husband was in dire need of love slave time.”

Zoe hunched her goose-fleshed shoulders. “Love slave? Are you referring to me or you?”

“That’s something we’ll have to discuss.” Wash’s teeth got busy with her ear as he wrapped a leg around both of hers, pinning her down as best he could before his hands went in for the killing blow: the bottom of her rib cage.

“You’ll force me to retaliate!” she managed to warn between gasps. “All right, enough!” Zoe flipped around, and found herself on top of him in a rather convenient position.

“How ‘bout we discuss it?” she asked. * * *

As soon as Mal and Jayne got back to the main aisle of the market, Mal pulled out a comm: “Wash, take the ship to the south side docks, berth 7.” The comm replied with only static. “Wash?”

It was a few long seconds before the reply came through. “Yes. Captain.”

“Tell Zoe we got some cargo waitin’ to be loaded.”

“Cargo. Righ-” Wash’s reply was cut short.

“South docks, berth 7,” Mal repeated impatiently. “Me and Jayne’ll meet you there.”

There was another delay. “Got it, Captain. Sir.”

Mal scowled. “Wash, this is business. You and Zoe put your clothes on and get goin’.”

* * *

Simon pushed against the metal bar that lay across his shoulders, clenching his teeth at the pain in his leg. The gunshot wound wasn’t healed enough for him to handle a lot of weight, but he was impatient to start building his strength back. It wasn’t a good idea to live on this ship without the ability to run, dive away from shotgun blasts, and on occasion jump off of high catwalks.

Book helped lower the bar to the deck after Simon finished his set. “Nice work, doctor. You recovery is moving right along,” Book said.

“Zoe did a good job.” Simon ran a hand over his thigh.

“She does have some experience, no matter what she said about it. Spot me?”

Simon moved behind the bench as Book sat down. Out of habit Simon glanced over his shoulder to the catwalk where River had been sitting. She was gone.

“River?” he called out.

“Relax son. She went with Kaylee.”

“You’re sure?”

“Don’t worry so much, you’ve got a lot of help keeping an eye on that girl.”

“It takes a lot of eyes.”

“That’s not far from what she said about you, as I understand it.” Book stretched out on the bench.

“She would say that.” Simon smiled fondly. “It’s good to see her spending time with Kaylee.”

“Yes, it is. There’s a teenage girl in there who has a lot to learn about growing up. Things they didn’t teach you in med school or me in the Abbey.” Book took a deep breath and started his set, leaving Simon to ponder the mysteries of feminine teenage knowledge. * * *

“Inara gave it to me,” Kaylee said. “Ain't it nifty?”

She and River were parked on the bed in Kaylee’s cabin, a dark brown box decorated with intricate pearl inlay open between them.

“No, you’re doin' it wrong,” Kaylee continued. “She showed me how. Hand it over, I’ll do it.” Kaylee snatched one her new toys from River’s hand.

“I’ve never done this,” River whined. “I don’t know how it’s supposed to work!”

“It takes lots of practice. I’m not so good as Inara, but she told me I just need to try it more.”

“You have to try on me?”

“What, you think Jayne would let me do it to him?”

River giggled in response.

“Now look up.” Kaylee ordered, demonstrating. River copied her, rolling her eyeballs up as far as possible, also dropping her mouth open in the effort. Very carefully, Kaylee drew a heavy black line under River’s lower lashes.

“It tickles my eyeball!”

“Eyeballs can’t be ticklish.”

“Mine are!”

“Let me get the top too. Close your eyes. Don’t squint! There, OK. Now… the lashes.” Kaylee set down the pencil and unscrewed the lid from a black tube. “After I put this on, you can’t blink for a bit or it’ll get all over.”

“There’s a lot of rules involved in this,” River said skeptically.

“It’s how its done. Inara said so. You wanna shoot bad guys, you ask Cap’n and Zoe. You wanna fix a bullet hole, there’s Simon. I know all about engine parts, and Wash does the flyin’. But when it comes to lookin’ pretty, Inara’s the expert. Gotta do it her way.”

“I don’t need to get clients,” River complained, but she tilted her face up, lashes at the ready.

“Don’cha want a boyfriend?”

Shia!” River replied, then continued dryly. “And my options are…?”

Kaylee held her breath as she finished up, then leaned back to check her work. “Good point. Let’s do the other eye!”

* * *

Inara put on her warmest smile. “Really, Captain… Jacobs? I’ve done quite a lot of touring on the rim already. I was hoping to find a ship taking a more direct course into the Core.”

“I’m sorry miss.” The man on the screen did truly look sorry. “We got some business needin’ takin’ care of. But I’d be happy to get you as far as Persephone, we’ll be able to stop there in just a few weeks -”

She cut him off. “Thank you Captain, I’ll just look around a bit more.”

Inara keyed off the transmission, surprised at her own lack of courtesy. Mal had been right, there was nothing on New Melbourne but fish and slimy pirates who probably smelled as bad as their cargo holds. She shook her head, more aware of her condescending attitude than she would have been a year ago.

After scanning the rest of the docking list and finding nothing promising, she rose from the cortex station in her shuttle and moved to the sofa, picking up a cup of tea that had long gone cold. It was time to get off this ship. Past time. But now that she’d made up her mind, it seemed the fates had decided to keep her where she was.

She looked at the second teacup on the table. Some tea had spilled around it when Serenity entered atmo, but she hadn’t bothered to wipe it up yet. She sighed. Mal had never touched it, he still wasn’t one for ceremony.

He ignored the tea she poured for him. “We should have a few days layover time, give you a chance to look for a lift. But New Melbourne is a ways out, you sure you want to get off here?”

“I haven’t had much in the way of decent clientele lately. There’s really no reason for me to stay any longer.”

“Well, could be you’ll find a well-heeled explorer out here amongst the mongrels of the rim, looking for someone to keep him perky on the way back to the civilized worlds.”

“I should be so lucky.” Inara sipped her tea to cover her annoyance.

Mal was less skilled at hiding his. “Since this is the place for it, make sure you stock up on sushi and lobster tail. Maybe a little blowfish for an aphrodisiac.”

“My clients don’t need aphrodisiacs.” She raised a brow at him. Mal looked away.

“Right - all they need is a fat credit account.”

“A little class and decent manners don’t hurt.”

“Cause knowing which fork to use is soooo sexy.”

“It’s not all about sex!”

“Sure. It’s about making people feel special, like you care about them. That is, till the clock runs out. Ding! Will that be cash or credit account?”

“That’s not how it is. Why can’t you understand? A companion truly provides support, compassion. I do care for my clients.”

“Sure. And it takes years of schoolin’ to learn to show all this fine carin’.”

The ship lurched. Inara held her cup out to steady it, but tea from Mal’s untouched cup sloshed over the rim onto the table. “And that would be Wash entering atmo,” he said. “Guess I got my own business to take care of.” He stood up.

“Mal, I don’t want to fight with you. I know we haven’t always… seen eye to eye, but I see no reason why we can’t part on good terms -”

“The best of terms. You’re all paid up, I’ll even get your security deposit to you in full.”

“I appreciate that but -” Inara didn’t finish. She sipped her tea instead.

“Just make sure you find a ride here, or you’ll be owin’ me more rent.” Mal turned to leave.

Inara shook the memory out of her head, then rose and took both tea cups to the shuttle’s head to empty them in the sink. She brought back a towel to wipe up the spilled tea before she returned to the cortex station, keying up the docking list again. * * *

Mal and Jayne left the market, climbing a long series of stairs which led from the docks up to the center of town. Trams passed by on either side of them, followed by suggestive harrumphs from Jayne, but Mal preferred the walk. No reason to get there quick. May as well take the time to see the place, breathe the salty air.

The buildings around them grew more wholesome as they climbed. There was no upper class here in New Melbourne, but the market for decent food on the rim was giving rise to a bit of a middle class. It was sure to turn the eye of the Alliance eventually, Mal figured. The Alliance was all about making money for the corporations who kicked it on to the politicians; that was the bottom line.

They reached the top landing, found a wide courtyard lined with the cleanest windows they’d seen yet. Signs outside shops advertised higher end goods: fabrics, fancy furniture, liquor that wasn’t like to make one blind, and weaponry. Mal turned back to that last one with narrowed eyes; he recognized the small symbol on the corner of the sign outside the weapons shop. Hadn’t seen it in a while, but it wasn’t something he would forget. Neither would the women who’d watched him pull a small metal shard marked with that same symbol out of the remains of her daughter’s leg.

“Hang on a sec, Jayne.” Mal headed toward the shop without bothering to check on whether Jayne had heard him.

The shop featured all kinds of guns and ammo in tightly locked displays, but that wasn’t what Mal was looking for. He walked slowly about the empty shop.

“Can I help you?” A kid came in from a back room and stood behind the counter eyeing Mal with suspicion. He was blond and clean cut, looking spiffy in a well tailored suit and a dark gray cap with a shiny black rim. Looked a lot like an Alliance uniform, come to think of it.

“I was wonderin’ what you have in the way of seekers.”

“Seekers?” The kid clearly recognized what Mal was asking for, but gave him a doubtful up and down look. “Are you representing anyone…?”

“Yeah, I know some people who’re interested. Got a lot of interest, you might say.”

The kid still looked dubious. “You have the means?”

Mal pulled out the envelope Ricky had given him. The bills he flashed served to change the kid’s manner. “Ahh, sorry, sir. But you must guess at the types we have coming in here.” He motioned Mal over to the counter and set out a flat gray box. “Here’s the most popular model, developed during the war.” He opened the box. “Motion activated, moves fast and quiet. The explosive is small, but it will at minimum disable anyone unfortunate enough to be walkin’ in front of its nose.”

“Unfortunate,” Mal repeated with a tight nod as he looked at the small silver cylinders in the box. “Can’t these be steered aside with the proper tech?” he asked, though he knew the answer quite well.

“Well, yes, but only if you hear ‘em comin’, which ain’t easy.”

Mal gave him a long look. Stupid ass kid must have been just sproutin’ pubes when the war was fought. “You know that for a fact, do ya?”

“Sure. But I gotta tell you - we’ll be getting a newer model in a few weeks.” The boy leaned toward Mal like he was cutting him in on a secret. “Higher grade seekers that can’t be steered aside by anything non-biological. Targets bio-rhythms. What’s more, comes with transmitters you can plant on all your own people, so they won’t be targeted.” He was settling into full smooth salesman mode. “It’s pricey, but you set up your own side with those transmitters and let loose a pack of high grade seekers… you got your battle won right there. Just gotta use a lot of extras, you know, cause there’s always a few that pick up the wrong targets.”

The kid was just flashing a white toothed grin when Mal’s fist smashed into his face. The boy went down behind the counter, and Mal was up and over it just as quick, grabbing a seeker on his way.

“You ever seen one of these do its job?” he asked. The kid looked up, his eyes focusing on Mal’s thumb on the activation switch. “Think it’ll disable you if it gets you in the ankle? Ever wonder just how much of your leg it’ll take to make a proper disablin’? I can tell ya all about it.”

“Mal!” Mal looked over his shoulder at Jayne’s voice. “You in here?”

Mal turned back to the terrified boy. Damn green kid probably never been hit in the face before, and here he was selling seekers to the unwashed masses. Mal swore, but his anger drained out of him. What he had here was another job that wouldn’t go smooth, and this time he had no one to blame but himself. He also had a kid with a bloody face lookin’ up at him like he was the biggest bad in the ‘verse.

Mal sighed. Too late to argue about that now. He tucked the seeker in his shirt pocket and impassively punched the kid again to knock him out. Might buy enough time to load the cargo and get the hell off world.

* * * * * *

Niú shĭ: cow dung guĭ: hell nĭ hăo: hello Shia: affirmative

* * * * * *

Chapter 2

COMMENTS

Friday, January 13, 2006 9:04 AM

BURNANDBOIL


I loved the little pairings, Kaylee and River, Book and Simon, Mal and Jayne, I think it gives this part a really nice dynamic! Awesome! :D

Friday, January 13, 2006 9:07 AM

ANONYMOUS


Nice start so far.

Friday, January 13, 2006 9:28 AM

ANONYMOUS


Very nice start indeed. Thanks for taking the effort over your grammar and syntax, and hanging all that work on such a lovely plot. Or at least, one that promises loveliness.

Hope to see the rest of this very soon!

Friday, January 13, 2006 10:07 AM

SAFEAT2ND


Well done!! Reads just like an episode!

Nice characterizations too!

I'll definitely read the rest!

Friday, January 13, 2006 10:19 AM

ONORA


Very well done. Thank you! I truly hope you will write more and keep up the good work!

Friday, January 13, 2006 10:44 AM

AGENTROUKA


Most excellent!

Very amusing, engaging intro with Mal and Jayne, spot-on snapshots of the crew and a lovely, bitter-sweet look at Inara. Not one slip in the character voices. Down right perfect.

Best of all: how seamlessly you took the mood of "Objects in Space" and spun it further. New Melbourne, the tension in Inara's need to leave, Mal's struggle between civil and bitter and Kaylee's adorable friendship with River.

Plus impending plot!

What more could anyone ask?? *g*

When's the next part up??

Friday, January 13, 2006 11:09 AM

MAL4PREZ


[insert blushing]

I can see this is gonna be as addictive as watching the show - I post and then get all these emails of people leaving comments. weee!

Chapter 2 is ready, but I'm gonna make y'all wait till Sunday or Monday cause I'm evil.

Actually, it's because I don't want to overwork my awesome beta people, I gotta give them time to stay ahead.

But I'm still evil. bwa-ha-ha-ha!!

Friday, January 13, 2006 11:20 AM

ANONYMOUS


More! More! This is so incredibly well written that I could just disappear into the plot. I'll be looking forward to more stories after you finish this one. Pleeease?? Donna

Friday, January 13, 2006 11:31 AM

AGENTROUKA


Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil.

Yes, very. Very.

Don't you know it's immorral to make people wish the weekend would go by more quickly? ;)

Okay, fine. Beta kindness... *sigh*

Patience. Virtue. And all that.

Friday, January 13, 2006 1:49 PM

AMDOBELL


This is super shiny and brilliant! Hooked right from the off with your wonderful characterisations and just love how you are layering in different aspects from the crew dynamics to the new job then the boy selling seekers in that shop. Methinks this is going to be truly awesome but oh, *wode ma*, it is going to be painful having to wait for the next part. Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Friday, January 13, 2006 7:05 PM

ANONYMOUS


Oh, I'm very impressed. It's reading almost like an episode. A touch here and there of each character. No heavy slant one way or another on a character or pairing.

Much love!

Rinny

Friday, January 13, 2006 8:02 PM

ANONYMOUS


amazing work. reads so smoothly like an episode of firefly. love the very realistic crew interactions. also an intriguing plot

Friday, January 13, 2006 8:20 PM

LOLA


wonderfully done!
much as other folks said "it's like reading an episode"
thanks..it was like being taken back to that 'Verse again.
can't wait for thenext installment.

Friday, January 13, 2006 10:43 PM

OLDSOUL1987


“You don’t wanna get a fish, just say so. No need to be callin’ me names.”


that is so jane, it cracked me up cause i could just picture him saying that

Saturday, January 14, 2006 8:40 PM

SHINYTALENT


Wow!
I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes!

Saturday, January 14, 2006 8:57 PM

BLUEEYEDBRIGADIER


Like I said before, M4P.....oh so shiny! Still working on the beta for Ch. 10, since I have been puttering around tech conference, but you should have my thoughts ASAP!

And to all who have read this....you ain't seen nothing yet!

Monday, January 16, 2006 3:07 AM

BOOKADDICT


Really good stuff. I like all the crew interaction and can't wait to see where the story is going.

Friday, January 20, 2006 9:04 AM

ANONYMOUS


Verrry impressive! The story, indeed, continues! Thank you so verrry much! You have sucessfully taken me into the black.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006 5:04 PM

ANONYMOUS


Nice job - difficult to capture nuances of phraseology for different characters, but you've done a shiny job of it. Carry on...

Thursday, February 9, 2006 5:58 AM

SURPLUSIMAGINATION


Great set-up. The make-up scene with River and Kaylee was hysterical. Jayne was great here, too. I thought Mal's behaviour was odd, but I suppose that the basis of the story. Great job!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 1:37 AM

RIVERISMYGODDESS


You have been recommended to me by a writer whose taste I really trust, so, well, I hope you like feedback. I am just getting to start reading your work, but I read pretty fast, so hopefully I will have it all read in a week or so.

Jayne asking about the fish and comparing them to space aliens was great.

Mal interrupting the Zoe/Wash sex was pretty good too.

Also, being a huge River fan, I liked the scene in which she and Kaylee were trying on the makeup.

I like your writing style, your characterizations are pretty good, and I am anxious to see where the plot is going, so I will definitely be reading the rest of this series and your other one as well. :)

Monday, December 4, 2006 6:56 PM

KAYNARA


i've been waiting to read this--been wayyy too busy lately--and it does not disappoint. your character voices really are flawless. can't wait to read more!

Saturday, January 6, 2007 5:03 PM

KAYLEEGIRL


Nice start! Now I have to read the rest. The dialogue is really well done especially in the M/I flashback and the scene with Book and Simon.

I love the description "shabby kitchen area full of crates and questionable odors" near the start. Good alliteration and great sensory details!

I know this has been up for awhile but...you want to change "well-healed" to "well-heeled." It's a minor point,I know, but I hate it when I miss stuff like that in my work!

Friday, June 8, 2012 6:01 PM

EBFIDDLER


I am embarking on my evil nefarious plot: to review all your old chapters, Mal4Prez, one by one, until you come up with a new chapter of Back Stories!

“Oh, the hardships we intrepid explorers face.” “You don’t wanna get a fish, just say so. No need to be callin’ me names.” -- I like the dialog between Mal and Jayne in the fish market. It's effective in several different ways: showing (without having to describe) the working dynamic between Mal and Jayne; up-front evidence that you've got a good handle on the characters; and humor! I like how you take a turn through all of the characters to establish their voices in your fic; that was well-done, it didn't seem like a contrived tour, rather it flowed plot-wise, and with the aid of hindsight I see lots of foreshadowing. I'm noticing Ricky's talk about Blue Sun not liking to have his competition; Mal's line “Sure. And it takes years of schoolin’ to learn to show all this fine carin’.”; and "The Alliance was all about making money for the corporations who kicked it on to the politicians." All foundation statements. Mal's impulsive action at the end kicks the plot into gear.


POST YOUR COMMENTS

You must log in to post comments.

YOUR OPTIONS

OTHER FANFICS BY AUTHOR

Back Stories Book 3, Chapter 25
Zoë nodded. “I’ll bet there’s a little committee of suits back there trying to figure out how best to lie.”&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp

“Or how to tell some horrible truth,” Inara replied softly.&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp

“Or how to make the most effective use of medical waste incendiaries to get rid of our bodies,” Wash chimed in.


Back Stories III, Chapter 24
Mal returns to a few familiar places.

Back Stories III: Chapter 23
The BDH’s find themselves enmeshed in too damned many OCs. But hey, they’re necessary. Plottiness and all.

Back Stories III, Chapter 22
Inara tells the story of why she left the Core. Well, half of it anyway.

Back Stories III, Chapter 21
The battle with the Reavers continues, and Mal makes a choice. All decisions have consequences.

Back Stories III, Chapter 20
Finally a little Mal POV, but it doesn't last long.

Back Stories III, Chapter 19
The trials and tribulations of an older, wiser River Tam.

Back Stories Book III, Chapter 18
The aftermath of an unexpected encounter. Except—not all of the crew are accounted for…

Back Stories Book III, Chapter 17
A lovely day in the mountains: friendly locals and fresh air under a clear blue sky. What could possibly go wrong?

Back Stories Book III, Chapter 16.
Zoë tells of her soiree with terrorists on Oeneus.



OUR SPONSORS