Insert regular disclaimers. Again.

I really did try to write slash, but I just can't do it. I start laughing too hard. But, in the interests of pandering to my audience, I guarantee a suggestive surprise in part 3.

So I decided to make this a three parter, mainly because I needed to get the rest of the crew in on the action.

I know Simon and Jayne's little talk seems kinda random, but remember: hung over and half naked. It would confuse anybody.

Let's call this one PG-13 for the mention of "boobs".

*****

"OK, Doc, make ya a deal." Jayne and Simon were walking through the dusty street, trying to find their way back to Serenity. So far they had made two wrong turns, hit a dead end, and been accosted by an overly enthusiastic prostitute. This trip could take a while.

"Hmmm?"

"Since we're lettin' it all hang out, in a manner of speakin', what say we trade a bit o' personal info?" Jayne was really grasping for conversation starters, but he was desparate. If walking with a man in his undies was awkward, then walking with a man in his undies in complete silence was worse.

Simon just shrugged. "Sure. But no more about birthmarks."

"Ok, then. Lay it out for me. What'd you say to Kaylee last night? She don't ever tear 'round the ship lookin' to brain a person. Well, 'cept that one time I got drunk and grabbed her boobs." Jayne didn't stop to think that telling Simon he got drunk and felt up his girlfriend wasn't the best way to start off the questions.

Luckily, Simon didn't notice. The doctor was too busy staring straight ahead - he knew catching even a glimpse of those teddy bears would send him into laughter from which he might never recover. "Well, it's....kind of embarassing."

"Never woulda guessed." Simon gave him a dirty look. "Just screwin' with ya. Come on. Spill it."

"I....I told her her butt looks good in the overalls she was wearing." Simon blushed, obviously ashamed of even admitting to such thoughts.

Jayne's eyebrows shot up. He couldn't fault the Doc on principle: their little mechanic did indeed have a right pert backside, and hats off to the boy for finally sayin' something about it. He just couldn't see how it would offend her, especially from the guy she'd been gooey over near on eight months. "Huh. And she thought you was bein' mean?"

"Apparently, she took it to mean that I thought her butt looked fat in everything else." Simon's voice still betrayed his bewilderment. He had been sure that Kaylee would appreciate him noticing.

Jayne, meanwhile, was having trouble getting his mind around female logic. "That don't make no kind of sense. It's like one of them things what can't happen, but do anyway. 'Nara told me a word for it. A pair-of-boxes, or some such."

"A paradox?" Simon asked, and Jayne nodded. "It's not really a paradox."

Jayne shrugged. "Whatever. Still sucks." He inclined his head sypathetically towards the doctor. "Women," he told Simon, as if this one concept summed up all the secrets of the 'verse.

"Indeed. So, since I had to tell an embarassing story, it's your turn." Simon gestured to Jayne's waist. "Care to explain the aggressively cheerful boxers?"

Now it was Jayne's turn to blush. "My momma made 'em," he confided.

It took Simon several seconds to stop snickering and say something. "I see. And you wear them out whoring, do you?"

"Hey! I told momma that I wear 'em when I get all gussied up. A Cobb don't lie to his momma." He smiled slyly. "'Sides, the ladies like 'em. They call me Mr. Grizzly on account o' these shorts."

Jayne spent the next 30 seconds dragging Simon along as the younger man's knees went weak from laughter. It took another thirty for Simon to make a complete sentence. "I can see how that might boost your ego. Between your mother and the whores, your underwear has quite the following." Jayne looked at the Doc, not entirely sure if that was a compliment. "Women," Simon clarified, just to keep Jayne at ease. "You know, Jayne, I've really liked talking to you just now. I know we don't get along so well, but thank you all the same. I'm actually enjoying myself."

"Aw hell, don't go all weepy on me, boy. Don't need anyone thinkin' we're sly." Jayne toook three large steps away from Simon.

"Oh, of course not. Because two grown men walking down the street in ther undergarments just screams masculine."

Jayne stood up straight and puffed out his chest. "Damn right, Doc. Damn right."

** Simon decided that he should have taken the Captain's cue and tried the "stay out all night" trick long ago. It had paid off handsomly.

He and Jayne had made it back to Serenity and into their rooms without anyone seeing them. Simon had just managed to get into his bunk and don a fresh pair of pants when Kaylee had burst in, nearly sobbing with relief. She'd had a chance to calm herself down and realize that Simon was trying to pay her a compliment the day before, and was now frantic that Jayne would get him killed before she could make it up to him. So she'd showered him with kisses, checked him over for injuries - Simon was pleased to find that Kaylee was very, very thorough - and had dragged him up to the kitchen for a sandwich, seeing as how he'd missed breakfast. Now she hovered around him, constantly making sure he was OK. Around the time Simon was finishing lunch, the rest of the crew had trooped in, and Mal had demanded an accounting of the previous night's activities.

"Wait, wait. Tell me that again. You and Jayne were in the bar, and when y'all woke up you were missing - " Mal never did get the full story, since right at that moment, Jayne reappeared from his bunk. He was dressed for war: a sling of grenades, two pistols, three knives, and Vera, lovingly cradled in his arms.

And no trousers. He was still wearing those gorram teddy bear underpants.

Zoe, River, Kaylee, and Inara all burst into laughter, River going so far as to fall out of her chair with tears streaming down her face. Mal's mouth worked but no sounds came out. Simon just put his head on the table, wishing for the sweet release of death.

Mal finally got control of his tongue. "Jayne, I believe your plan, whatever it may be, is missing a few key points."

"Like surprise?" Jayne hated surprises.

"No, I'd say you got that in spades. However, I think the term 'frontal assault' involves much less front, if you take my meaning." Mal pointed to Jayne's underwear.

Jayne looked down and shrugged. "All my pants're in the wash, and those hundans stole my good pair." He turned to Simon, who still had his head on the table. "C'mon, Doc, saddle up."

"Where are we going?" Simon's voice was muffled, but you could still hear the despair loud and clear.

"Visitin'. We're gonna see a man 'bout some pants."

Simon sat up in horror, his eyes searching for help from each member of the crew. When none was fothcoming, he snorted. "Fine. But if I die, please make sure he puts his pants on for my funeral." With a theatrical sigh, he trudged off towards the cargo bay. Jayne followed behind, clutching his guns.

There was absolute silence for more than five minutes as the remaining members of the crew just looked at each other. Finally, Inara spoke up. "Let me get this straight: Jayne and Simon are going to plan an assault on a bar to retrieve their pants. Jayne is going to carry out that assault armed with nothing but his teddy bear shorts and an improbably large firearm?"

"And grenades", Mal pointed out.

"And grenades. Right. Just checking."

Two minutes later, the entire crew was sprinting for the airlock. Like hell they were going to miss this.