Author's notes: I would like to thank KaySky for helping me out with the dialogue. She really had a grasp on Mal and Zoe and helped me shape some of my best material. So thanks.

Simon gasped. He had just woken up in the middle of the night with his heart racing and a cold sweat on him. He was sitting up in Kaylee’s bed, with Kaylee’s back to him. She was out like a light with a smile on her face. But Simon didn’t notice that as he got out of her bed and headed towards her sink. He turned on the little light next to the basin and squeezed out some of the orange smelling oil cleanser she had next to the faucet. Very fervently, he began washing his hands.

This was the fiftieth time in two days that he’s done this.

Ever since the night where he was christened by Jayne as “Shotgun Tam”, Simon had been acting more so like his sister. He was slightly on edge with everything and everyone around him. The sight of guns and weapons were beginning to make him incredibly nervous and he hadn’t even been in the infirmary since that night where Mal helped him in there to clean off the blood, administer a few stitches on the gash and to give himself a smoother. He had spent most of his time wandering the ship, playing idly with River and most of the time near a sink, constantly washing his hands. For some reason, he kept seeing tiny stains on his hands where the blood had been. He had used up all the soaps and disinfectants in the infirmary and had even begun using some of Wash’s aftershave to kill the smell and bacteria he thought were there. But no matter how many times he washed his hands, the stains and the smell of the other man’s blood were still on his hands.

Simon looked up to see his reflection in the mirror. Lately, he’s been looking like Hell, and that was without the stitches. He seemed paler than normal, with his blank eyes beginning to sink into his head and his hair becoming stringier. Usually it wasn’t that noticeable. But the dream he just had made everything going on inside and out so much worse.

It was the most horrid dream he’s ever had. A full blown nightmare if there ever was one. He didn’t know who he was, or how he got onto the ship, but there was someone else on the ship. The first place he went to was into Jayne’s bunk. He had slipped in quietly, although Jayne could’ve slept through an explosion and not even stir. The person took one of Jayne’s knives, crept up quietly next to him and slit his throat as he slept. The blood pooled around his neck as Jayne’s chest deflated one last time and stopped. The person then took one of Jayne’s guns, a different kind of shotgun with a silencer on and began going into each of the rooms. Book and Inara were sleeping when their lives were ended with a blast to the spine for the former and a shot to the stomach for the latter. The being then went to Zoe and Wash’s bunk. They were sharing a bed and a post-coital bliss, which was interrupted by another shotgun blast that impacted on Wash’s upper back and went straight through Zoe’s chest. The person climbed back up the hallway and headed up to the cockpit. Mal and River were there. They noticed the person as he entered with the shotgun pumped up. Very quickly, the person fired at River, filling her gifted head with buckshot and fired again at Mal’s drawn hand, blowing it clear off his arm. He fired again, shooting him straight in the stomach, immobilizing him in his chair. The being loaded once more and aimed at Mal’s head. Mal merely just stared at the person with the coldest stare he’s ever given a human being. The coldness scared him, and he fired more out of cowardly fear than malice. He turned around and saw her. A look of pure horror was on her face. He looked into her eyes, and loaded his last shell. A piercing scream came from her. To the person’s knowledge, no one in human history had yet to nor ever will duplicate the intensity of that scream. A scream so horrible and terrifying that he needed to silence it. The person raised his gun to her head and squeezed. But in that half second between the release of the hammer, and the explosion of blood, skull, teeth and gray matter all over the walls, the person looked over to a square reflective panel and Simon saw who the killer was.

It was himself.

Simon snapped back out of the memory of that horrible dream and went back to washing his hands again. As he ran his hands under the tap again, his mind swirled with various things. The night of the shooting, the image of Kaylee’s head exploding, the voice of his father giving him a lecture about violence he remembered from his childhood, the images of the casual savagery by Mal, Zoe and Jayne, the rows upon rows of guns and knives that Jayne had once laid out on the kitchen table one night like candy, the pints of blood all over him the numerous times he’s operated and the way how Simon had loaded a shell into Liz with intent to kill without pausing to think about the ramifications of his actions. Ultimately, in the vast catalogue of memory and knowledge he had accumulated in his short life, he settled on a quote his father told him by Nietzsche.

“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” Simon quietly said this quote to himself as he stared into the mirror. He kept eye contact with his reflection as he washed his hands again, squeezing his fingers together to make sure that the stains would be gone this time. “Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” He repeated those lines to himself over and over again, each time more desperately as he tried to make the words more comforting. He was so intense to this, that he didn’t notice Kaylee waking up. She had looked over and saw him in the distance, chanting that same line over and over again.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Breakfast the next morning was a stilted occasion. Simon had not gotten much sleep the previous evening and was having a hard time focusing on what was going around. To his dulled sense, everyone was just going around like business was usual. Had he not been so wrapped up in his own psychodrama, he would’ve noticed that the normal breakfast banter was incredibly staged. The rest of the crew had agreed to a general consensus that it would be good for Simon if routine wasn’t broken, in order to give him a comfort in doing the same old thing. The normal talks of daily tasks, potential clients and jobs and whether or not the ship could make it to the nearest civilized planet all had a sense of urgency to them. As if what was being spoken had to be in order for chaos not to erupt.

Some of the crew had tried to soothe Simon in their own ways. Kaylee was giving his shoulders a massage, and Inara had made a special blend of green tea for Simon to have. He was oblivious to the massage, and only perked up when the mug and teapot were placed on the table. Simon bypassed the mug of tea and instead went for the pot. He took the pot, raised the mouth of the spout to his lips and began to gulp away at it as if it were water in the desert. Simon drank the whole thing and set it back down as he slumped back into his chair. Everyone else was surprised at how fast he had drunk the piping hot liquid. Everyone except Jayne, who just happened to show up late as usual and totally oblivious to the general mood.

“Mornin.” Jayne said this to no one in particular as he went over to the cupboards and loaded some meager helpings onto his plate. He sat down next to Simon and began to dig into his food.

“Gorram, I’m hungry. Getting paid sure does increase your appetite, even for this go-se. Speaking of which, do we have a new job lined up?”

Mal looked up at Jayne and cleared his throat. “Yes, Jayne. We’re about two days from Whitefall.”

“Hmph. Sounds tough. You want me to go stealth or do you need me up front.”

“As effective you were with the rifle last time, I think you need to be up front this time.”

“Sure. Hey, maybe you should bring the Doc with us this time. We could use the help of Shotgun Ta-“

Jayne never finished that train of thought. Like a mousetrap snapping up a mouse, Simon grabbed a knife and slammed Jayne off his chair and onto the ground. The crew snapped up as well and went to pull the on-edge doctor off the bewildered mercenary. Simon waved the knife around to ward off the rest of them. He then grabbed Jayne by the hair, pulled his head up and brought the knife near his left eye. Simon stared at Jayne with all the hatred and darkness burning within him.

“Listen to me, you fucking piece of go-se. I am a doctor. My job is to save peoples lives, not to end them. Unlike you, I actually have a shred of decency and compassion towards my fellow man within me. I…am not…you. I will never be you. I will not become the soulless monster that you or Mal or Zoe have become. As much as your mere presence sickens me, I will not drop down to your level and slit your throat. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!!!”

Jayne just stared up at Simon with fear in his eyes. As Jayne nodded, Simon saw his reflection in both Jayne’s eyes and the knife Simon was holding. For a brief moment, Simon saw into the abyss. And what the abyss was showing him was familiar. It was the same look that was in his nightmare when he realized that it was him who was blowing Kaylee’s brains out. This drove the malice and hatred out of Simon and replaced it with crippling fear. Simon got up and backed away from Jayne, the kitchen table and the crew. He had dropped the knife and it impacted with a clang against the metal floor. An overwhelming sense of dizziness and anxiety began to cloud over him and his vision. “Battle not…with monsters...lest ye…become a monster.” The words that he had memorized were coming out his mouth at a slow and slurred pace. “And if you gaze into the abyss…the abizzz…gazers…….into you.” Simon keeled over and landed cheek first onto the floor. He was out even before he hit the ground.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

He stirred. He tried to open his eyes, but the light was overwhelming. He tried to raise his hand to filter the light, but his hand was too heavy to move. After about a minute, the light got slightly better as his hand became lighter. He slowly began to sit up and readjust his sight. Simon looked around and realized that he was in the infirmary. He was on the operating table and Kaylee was sitting next to him on the stool, holding his hand. Simon looked at her with a bewildered look, as Kaylee began to explain.

“It was the tea. I saw you last night all freaking out saying that bit about monsters and abysses and I figured you needed help. I asked Inara to make you some of her special tea so that you can have something during the day that would calm you down. You weren’t supposed to drink the whole thing in one sitting, silly.”

Simon blanked. After killing a man point blank, freaking her out with his River-like behaviour and nearly taking out Jayne’s eye with a knife, she still called him silly. How could she? Could she not see that he was a threat? Simon sat up and began to move himself away from her.

“Kaylee, please. Just….just stay away from me. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Kaylee looked at Simon with both a worried and confused look. “Simon, how could you hurt me?”

“You always hurt the one you love. It’s a disreputable fact.”

“That’s a bit open for interpretation. I love everything and I don’t hurt them. At least not intentionally.”

“Well I do. I love you, but I always seem to be hurting you. If it’s not something I say, then it’s something I do. And if it’s not something I do, it’s something I dream.”

Kaylee looked at him now with genuine concern. She had never seen him so unhinged, not even when River was at her worst. “Simon, what’s wrong? Did you have a bad dream?”

Simon looked at her and began to crack. “It was horrible. It was so horrible. I killed you. I killed everyone on this ship. I slit Jayne’s throat, I took one of his guns and I went into each of their rooms and killed them. You were the last one. And you screamed. It was the most terrified scream I’ve heard. You were screaming so horrible I…..I……I had to silence it. And right before I killed you I saw my reflection. And it was me. So please, please just leave me alone. I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t hurt you. I can’t bear the idea of you dying because of me.”

And for the first time in a long time, Simon cried. He just couldn’t take it anymore and just let it out. But Kaylee didn’t leave. She realized he was broken, and there was only one thing she could do to fix it. She took him into her arms and brought him to her chest. She had seem him do the same thing whenever River cried. He had been so strong for so long. It was about time he let his guard down. Kaylee soothed him with a hum she was making up on the spot, all the while rocking him back and forth, like an infant. He buried his eyes and mouth into her shirt as he let all of his pain out. Sometimes a good cry is what is needed for matters of the heart and spirit.

As the tempo of the sobs and tears began to slow down, Kaylee nudged Simon. “Hey.” Simon looked up at her, eyes watering. “You will never hurt me. You might say some dumb things, and you might not know what I need, but you will never, ever hurt me. You know why? Because you are a good man. You are the most curteous, noble and righteous man I have ever known. You value human life so much that you gave up everything you had for one life that you cared for unconditionally. The fact that you’re hurting so much over someone you don’t even know makes you more of a man than Jayne or even the Capt’n ever could be. It shows you care. It shows that you’re human.”

It always amazed him how Kaylee was able to see the best in everything. Even when it’s darker than a black hole, she can see the little sliver of light escaping from it. She kissed him on the forehead. It didn’t make it fully better, but it did restore him a bit. He looked at her shirt and saw that it was soaked. Patterns of tears and snot were all over her. He felt slightly embarrased.

“I made you wet.”

Kaylee laughed her Kaylee laugh and smiled. “That’s OK, bao-bei. I got others.”

She went in and hugged him again. He wrapped her arms around her and gave her a good squeeze. He needed her. He needed her light to fill his darkness that was still in him. She patted him on the back and broke the embrace. She kissed him again and smiled.

“Capt’n says that after you wake up, you’re supposed to go to the kitchen. Him and Zoe want to have a talk with you about this. You want me to join ya?”

“Thanks. I think I need to figure this one out on my own. Besides, I think you need to change your shirt. Don’t want you getting a cold on my behalf.”

She chucked at this, gave his hand a reassuring squeeze and left.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

After waiting for her footsteps to fade out, Simon got up and walked out of the infirmary. He slowly began to climb up the stairs to the kitchen. Each step seemed to weigh down on him. It was his experience that being called in for a talk was never a good thing. He finally reached the kitchen, where he saw Mal and Zoe sitting on one end of the table. Both of them had mugs of coffee in their hands and serious looks on their faces. Underneath the mug, there were two pieces of paper underneath. Simon didn’t know what to make of the whole thing. “You wanted to see me, Mal?”

Mal took another sip out of his mug and nodded towards the opposite end of the table. “Sit down son. There's somethin' Zoe and I wanted to discuss with you.”

Simon sat down at the table. He looked at the captain and his first mate timidly. He sensed that this was going to be deep. As he saw Zoe scratch at the recently formed skin on her cheek, he stalled. “How are your injuries? I could take another look at your burns, Zoe.”

Zoe merely brought her hand down and looked him dead in the eye. “Thanks, Simon, but we wanted to discuss your injuries.” Mal took over and placed his hands on the table. "We wanted to talk to you about what happened on that job. I know it ain't gonna be easy, but Zoe and me went through what you are going through. We know how your feeling right now and keepin' it bundled up inside ain't gonna help no one.”

Simon was silent for a while. His mind searched for the right possible answer for him to give. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing as he had done so often. After about a minute, he finally gave up on pretense and just said what was on his mind.

“I've never killed anyone. Not even at the hospital I used to work at. I had never screwed up royally like so many of the others interns who had carelessly killed their patients. Like I said before, saving lives is my code. It's my purpose. Which is why the general cheapness of life out here is the one thing I can't get used too.” He looked up at Mal and direced this next part at him. “I know Dobson was a threat. But the way you killed him. It was like he was a character in an arcade game. Serves no other purpose but to be shot down. And that's what scares me, you know. That by doing this, by savagely destroying another man's life, that I would become that.”

Mal was both sympathetic to Simon for what he was going through, and peeved at the indignation the boy was giving him at the same time. “Simon, I ain't a monster. Killin' is something that must be done, not that I enjoy doin'. If I hadn't killed Dobson, you’d have a bullet through that head of yours and your sis would be in the hands of the Alliance. The benefit of killin' him outweighed the benefits of not.”

Zoe was on this wavelength as well. “Out here in the black we follow a different set of rules. Life here isn't like life at your fancy hospital. People are willing to take lives quickly and sometimes at any cost. Don't make it right, but don't make it wrong either. It's the way of life out here.”

Simon then took on a defensive tone. He was having a sense of déjà vu from the various moral debates he had with his father. “But see, I don't think that a problem can be solved with either fists or bullets. In my experience, violence is a primitive solution. I'm in no way implying that either of you are cro-magnum idiots. It's just that I would like to see you guys resolve an issue without guns or fisitcuffs. Where the agreement isn't signed by a drop of blood.”

The sympathy in Mal towards Simon was slowly being replaced with more indignation. “Son, in case you haven't realized, we don't always get legal work. Now, on them jobs that are legal, ain't no problem. Any disputes can be handled the civilized way. It's them jobs, the most of our jobs, that ain't legal where we can't sit down with a bunch of folk and discuss the problems. Men like Niska or Badger ain't gonna waste time doing so. Sometimes it's either kill or be killed when it comes to disputes and I ain't waiting around long enough to be the killed.”

Unlike Mal, Zoe could see that this sudden debate in ethics was getting them nowhere in solving the problem. She looked at him with a more sympathetic approach to the discussion. “Simon you do understand things are different in the Black, don't you?”

Simon leaned back into his chair and started rambling. His unhinged behaviour from earlier was beginning to creep back in. “Yes. I realize that things are very different out in the Black. I realized that first night on board this ship. And I knew it would happen. I could stall for as long as possible, but the time would come that I would have to take a life. It's just that, when I saw that elevator door open, and I saw the blood and gore all over the walls and billowing out of his chest, it hit me. There's no turning back. By battling with the monster, I started down the road of being a monster. I would soon disregard people. I would shoot first before asking questions. I'd be killing someones husband. Someone's son. Someone's significant other. I'd be putting them through the same Hell of pain and misery that some bastard with a loaded gun and a bottle of alcohol put a family of my last patient on Osiris through.”

What Simon had just said struck something within Mal. This was familiar to him. It was almost the same thing he told the minister that was at the first platoon he was stationed at. “Simon, you need to understand. Killing doesn't make you a monster.”

Zoe leaned forward and implored Simon with her usual cool, rational way of speaking. ”Try and think of it this way. Those who kill in cold blood, who enjoy killing, they are the monsters. Those who kill out of defense or necessity, they are human. Mal and I have been killing since the War. If we got any sort of pleasure from seeing someone die, we wouldn't be any better than Reavers. Everyone is someone's realtive, Simon. There's gonna be hurt, no doubt, but it's better to be the one administering the hurt than the other way around.”

The anger was starting to leave Simon and desperation was starting to seep into his tone. “Well, the Reaver's for the most part have no idea what they're doing. On Earth-That-Was, they could've easily gotten away with a plea of insanity. And you guys don't seem to lose any sleep whenever someone dies. You just go along with the motions.” He sat back up, directly appealing towards Mal and Zoe’s conscious. “Have you ever confronted the families of the men and women you kill? Have you ever had to tell someone's wife that their husband is dead because you were the one who put the bullet in them that ruptured their spleen or put a hole through their lung? I'm sorry, but it's hard for me to take your guys's advice when it's obvious you’re in denial about the repercussions of the deaths you've inflicted.”

Mal and Zoe looked at each other. As unhinged the boy was, he did say something approaching the truth. Were they shells of their former selves? Mal decided that now was the time to re-open some old war wounds. Maybe that would help. “Simon, when we were in the war, we didn't have time to think. We just acted.”

Zoe decided to let her guard down as well. “It wasn't until the war was over that we'd really thought about what we had been doing. There were many nightmares. Now and again one still comes up today.” Zoe had a haunted look when she said that last part. It was strange for Simon to see this Amazon woman to show regret.

“We ain't never went to the enemies family and said we killed their son. We wouldn't even know who to go or how to do it.” Mal looked around, obviously reliving some painful memory of the war. After muttering some chinese swear words under his breath, he continued. “There was this rookie in our platoon. One day, he lost it. Gone hysterical, shooting up everyone and everything including giving Zoe a bullet in the chest. I shot him. It was my instinct to shoot him. Now I look back and figured there may have been another way. Tied him up or something, but I couldn't change what I'd done. I felt it was right that his family knew what happened to him. It was one of the hardest day of my life.” Now it was Mal’s turn to sound unchracteristically desperate. “I ain't in denial. I know damn well what it's like to take a life and I've seen the pain it brings to that life's loved ones. It does catch up with me at times, but like I've been saying, sometimes its kill or be killed and I ain't gonna be the killed nor am I gonna let any of my crew be killed.” Simon took his time in processing these somewhat raw emotions coming from the two most tight-lipped crew members. He knew that war would leave people scarred. It was just odd to hear it actually coming from them. Simon thought about that last bit Mal said. He figured now would be the time to tell them about the dream. “It's funny you should mention that. Last night, I had this really horrible dream. I think it's the first nightmare I ever had.” The same wave of guilt and fear was starting to rise in him again. He tried his hardest to not totally lose it in front of them. “There was someone on this ship who was killing everyone in their sleep. He slit Jayne's throat, took one of his guns, and proceeded to blow away everyone while they were in their beds. When he got to you, he blew your hand off, shot you in the stomach and then blew your head off. But before he did that, you had this cold look. It was the coldest thing I've ever seen. And then Kaylee saw what had happened and began screaming.” He shuddered as he heard that same scream echo through his head. He was having a hard time getting the words out of his mouth as he covered his eyes with his hands, hoping that they couldn’t see the fresh batch of tears forming. “Oh God, It was the most terrible thing you could ever imagine. And to silence her, he blew her head off. And you know who that killer was?”

Zoe looked at him with recognition. “It was you.”

Simon snapped up and looked at her in shocked. The misery was now replaced with a slightly paranoid surprise. “How did you know? I only told Kaylee about it and that was half an hour ago.”

Mal looked at him and quietly admitted. “We've all had that dream, Simon.”

Simon slumped back down onto his chair. It finally hit him that he really wasn’t alone in this. He now looked at them with curiosity. “How does it go for you?”

Mal readjusted his position and began speaking in a tone of regret and shame. “There's different dreams. The most common one is me wandering the ship every night like I usually do. I go into everyone's room to say goodnight, but instead of saying goodnight, I kill them. I always wake up after I kill everyone, but Kaylee. My eyes open while I'm smothering her with her pillow. It makes me ill. Luckily those dreams don't haunt me like they used to. It's important to deal with your feelings. Letting them fester is what brings on the dreams. We both learned it the hard way.

Simon looked over at Zoe, who had that same shameful look on her face. “What about you, Zoe? Do you have dreams where you empty a chamber into Wash's chest or see the betrayed look on his face when you slit his throat?”

Zoe took in a deep breath and sighed. “Not so much anymore, but I used to. When we were dating, I'd wake up in the middle of the night and turn to find Wash sleeping in an Alliance uniform. I reach for my gun, and shoot him several times in the heart. The blood squirts in all directions, I end up covered in it, but I don't care. I set the gun back on the nightstand, close my eyes and fall back to sleep. Them gorram dreams made me distance myself from Wash for weeks. I was always afraid I was going to hurt him.

“Just like me with Kaylee” Simon thought. “How did you get past that?” he implored. “To not be afraid of hurting him?”

For the first time that evening, Zoe smiled. “I've got to thank Wash for that one. The more I tried to distance myself, the closer he got. Eventually, I was just able to embrace him. I imagine Kaylee would do the same about you.”

Mal saw that they now were reaching Simon and now was the time to say it. “The point we're trying to make is that it doesn't go away. I'd like to tell you that it does, but I don't want to lie to you. What I can tell you is that in time, all that you're feeling right now will subdue. It'll be a murmur. And if you're lucky enough, you will be surrounded by people who can help you out and restore all those things you thought you lost.”

Simon thought some more about what Mal and Zoe had told him. A lot of his concerns and fears were dealt with and put to rest. He still felt guilty about killing those two men and what impact that would have on the people they knew. As he thought that, he was strangely drawn to the two pieces of paper that Mal was using as a coaster. “What are those sheets there?”

Mal placed his mug onto the wood of the table and placed his fingers on the papers. “These,” he said as he slid them across the table, “are arrest warrants. They're for the two men you killed. Nasty bunch, those two. The Chinese Man, Kuin Linn, is a mid-level drug baron. He had this real nasty concoction that he sold to farmfolk as an ailment that just gets them addicted to the stuff. Entire towns have been wiped out over that shit. And Grant Lorre, the guy whose head and chest you exploded? He was a pedophile and child killer. Wanted on ten planets. About two dozen families will be glad to hear the news that his sorry ass was mowed down.”

Zoe put the issue to rest with a warm assurance. “You didn't kill any innocents, Simon.”

Simon looked back up and nodded. “I know. It had to be done. But it still doesn't completely take away the immense guilt. Maybe before I go to bed, I should see Book about that.” He looked back up at the two and smiled for the first time in three days. “But I am grateful for what you've done. Maybe I'll sleep a little better tonight.”

Mal’s sentimental side began to creep in. “You know where to find us if you need us. I might be cranky at 3am, but I'd understand.”

Zoe came in with her own brand of reassurance. “Good idea about seeing the Preacher, he might be able to help you with a few things we might not have covered.”

Simon thought to himself and looked back at them. “I think I'll do that.” He then sat up from the table. “Thanks again. But for the record, I don't ever want to be Shotgun Tam.”

Mal pondered that and made a mental note about it. “I'll pass that along to Jayne and make sure he knows better. If he's got half a brain, he won't be saying that again.”

Simon looked back at Mal. “Good to know. But I meant that as in what I do on missions. If we ever have to do a daring rescue, I'll be there. But the only time I want to be washing my hands of blood would be from an operation.”

“Understood. Best we keep you out of the line of fire anways. You get hurt and there ain't no tellin' who'd be operating on you.”

Zoe then said her final words of the night to him in an evern rarer smile from her. “Try and sleep well tonight, Simon.”

“Thanks.” Simon looked at them one last time and left.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Simon went down to the passenger dorms and knocked on Book’s door. The paper door slid open, revealing that Book was already in his priest clothes with the sacraments ready.

“I had a feeling you’d come.”

Simon merely nodded and stepped in as Book began to pour some holy wine out of a green bottle into a golden chalice.

“I imagine Mal and Zoe were able to help you deal with the repercussions of your actions?”

“Them and Kaylee as well. I just need one more bit of reassurance.” Simon looked at Book, whose back was to him. “Have you ever had to give absolution to murderers?”

Book hesitated as he was in mid-pour as Simon said that. He then continued pouring. “More than you’d think. But I would not consider you a murderer. You were merely protecting those whom you love and inadvertenly helping others.”

“But it’s still a sin. Isn’t one of the big ten, ‘Thou shalt not kill’?”

“It is.” After putting in a few drops of holy water, Book then turned around and made eye contact with Simon. “But it’s obvious that you are regretful of your actions and have no intention of ever doing so again. In the eyes of God, that alone absolves you. The real question is if you can forgive yourself for it. It’s only from within yourself that you can be spiritually complete.”

“I think I will in time. I would just feel a lot better if we did this. That way, I can be fully reassured that everythings OK between me and God.”

Book looked at Simon and nodded. “Kneel, my son.”

Simon then got on his knees and put his hands together. It had been so long since he had prayed. Probably not since he was a young boy. He closed his eyes and for once he was calm.

“Lord, I am not worthy to receive thee, but just say the word and I will be healed.” Simon said this quietly as Book took two wafers out of a dish.

“Lord, we ask thee that your light and understanding enter into this young man’s soul and to forgive him of his actions.” Book took one of the wafers and raised it. “This is the body of Christ, broken for you.” Book then lowered the tiny wafer and placed it on Simon’s outstretched tounge. He ate it reverently as Book took the other wafer and ate it himself. He then took the chalice of wine and held it out. “This is the blood of Christ, that was shed for you.” He lowered the chalice so that Simon could sip the wine out of it. After doing so, Book raised the golden vessel to his lips and drank from there as well. He then placed his right hand on Simon’s head and prayed. “Accept this spirit of Christ, our Lord and Savior.”

“Amen” Simon whispered.

Book then made the cross overtop Simon. “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Go now and sin no more, for you have achieved absolution from God.”

Simon had tears in his eyes, and a smile on his face. “Thank you.”

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The repercussions of killing another man were still there. They would always be there buried within Simon, Mal, Zoe, Book and even Jayne, although he’d tango with Reavers before admitting that. But there would be the absolution from God, from friends, from lovers, and from within that would always be there to save them from submitting to that darkness. And if that accompanied those repercussions, then Shotgun Tam would never come back.