TITLE: "REGARD" AUTHOR: Alison M. DOBELL FANDOM: "FIREFLY" PAIRING: Simon. Mal. RATING: PG-13. STATUS: SEQUEL to "EXTREMIS" ARCHIVE: Yes. Just let me know where. FEEDBACK: Welcomed. EMAIL: AlisonMDobell@aol.com WEBSITE: http://carlajane.50megs.com/Ali00.html

SUMMARY: "Simon watches the injured Captain sleep not noticing the moment when he wakes." The usual disclaimers apply. The characters and 'Firefly' are the property and gift of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. No infringement of copyright is intended.

"REGARD"

A "Firefly" story

Written by Alison M. DOBELL

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He thinks I don't see. Don't notice. Can't feel his wanting eyes watching me only to dart away when I turn my head. Knew the first moment I set eyes on him that he was one confused *yisheng*. Part boy, part man. Untried but desperate to learn yet wanting a safety net all the same. Life don't give a man certainties only possibilities. What can and cannot happen often relies more on the will of the individual to imagine it than any skill or divine purpose. The doing is the part that gets it done not the wanting.

Part of me is amused and part sorrowing. Boy is so painfully naive it would be easy to take advantage. To mock or undermine. To mould him to my will only I don't want that. Not for him and not for me. I ain't sly and I don't think he is, just a man starved of affection. Not enough trust in him to reach out the hand of friendship and too insecure to trust it even if he did. His confusion is only passing funny then it becomes too painful to laugh at. I know I throw him off-centre. Confuse the *diyu* out of him. He has so many gorram conflicting emotions and don't know what is true from what ain't. Was afraid of me at first, then unsure and more than a mite scornful. Know he didn't approve of me. Later came the understanding, the first glimmers of respect, even a flash of hero worship. A mite briefer than a man might like but there just the same. And now this. A kind of tentative affection that is all kinds of nervous and uncertain as if he don't know how to handle it his own self. Reminds me of the flicker and dance of fireflies 'cause it's so fleeting yet Lord is it shiny while it lasts. He don't know which way he leans, got no compass and hasn't got a ruttin' clue which direction north is in.

I could tell him. Get him the education he so sorely needs in the Black but I don't got the heart for it. Been damaged enough times my own self to avoid the heat of the fire while basking in its' warmth from afar. I sense what he is about to do before I feel his fingers gently brush my skin, easing the fringe back from my face. Not knowing I am watching him through half closed lids and dark lashes, see him arguing with himself inside that gorram three per-cent head. I could put him outta his misery and just open my eyes but would like as not give the boy a heart attack and hi-larious as it would no doubt be I can't be losing River her brother. Not to such foolishness as this. So I lie still and feign sleep, hoping he will move away and let a man sleep. Before the touch of his hands makes me wish to never know sleep again.

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CHINESE GLOSSARY: (Mandarin - Pinyin)

*yisheng* = doctor *diyu* = hell