Hat cleaned off the tiny camera on the bridge comm. with a hanky.

“*Tzao gao*! Do you mind?” She turned to the others, “can’t say I’m gonna do this all that convincingly if I got you guys all staring over my shoulder!”

“Uh, ok we’ll leave you alone”, Mal motioned to the others. They all made various murmuring noises of disappointment and trooped off. Mal, the last, stood at the top of the bridge steps to listen.

“Governor! This is a delight!” Hat practically purred at the screen, Mal was impressed – hadn’t quite realised Hat could be so disingenuous, Inara maybe, but . . . was enough to make a man a little nervous . . .

“Well, I got yer message, young lady,” the Governor was brisk, but obviously charmed, “what can I do for ya?”

*** Hat turned off the camera and sat back. The sound of slow clapping came from the stairwell where Mal had obviously been eavesdropping.

“Well, well, well, Ms Blake, I had no idea you could be quite so nefarious, you put yer mind to it!”

“Captain,” Hat got up and curtsied, “I’m flattered! Praise from a man of such deceptive skill is praise indeed!” Mal paused and then shrugged, unable to make out if Hat had just complimented or insulted him.

“Well, when yer’ve finished wooin’ and lyin’ to yer man, wonder whether you might take a shot at supper?”

“Why I’d be delighted!” Hat’s voice dripped sarcasm. “You may not be aware a this but we women can multitask. Supper’s been in the oven for the last hour!” She smiled sweetly at him and flounced from the bridge.

***

“OK so,” Mal leaned his elbows on the table, strewn with the remnants of a mighty dinner, “Hat’s done her thing and the Governor’s well and truly hooked - as who wouldn’t be?” he dimpled sarcastically at Hat, who, now looking less than glamorous, was stuffing apple tart into her gaping maw. She wrinkled her nose in acknowledgment – all she could do under the circumstances. Having swallowed, she stuck out her tongue, but Mal had already moved on. “How we doin’ on the rest a the caper? Kaylee, Wash? You set?”

Kalyee nodded, leaning forward eagerly, “we think so, Cap’n. We got a good idea how they’re doin’ the collar thing. We reckon we can override the binary commands and put a lock on the functions.”

“As a bonus,” added Wash, “we do this right, it’ll knock out all the security links on the fence too. Should mean wire cutters really is all as is needed to get through it.”

“It’s time sensitive though,” continued Kaylee, laying out some diagrams on the table in front of her. “We should be able to disable the system for about half an hour, give you time to get the workers out. Any more and the back up systems will kick in, override the lock down and start the system up again. That happens before we got all the kids out, well, . . . .”

“Boom?” Jayne suggested.

Wash nodded worriedly, “boom” he agreed.

*** “Sounds like you may have some extra hands for the townsfolk here to help with the harvest, if things go according to plan!” Inara smiled over the comm. at Mal and Zoë.

“Do things ever go according to plan?” asked Zoë wryly.

Mal turned to glare at her. “Thanks for the vote of confidence!”

Zoë shrugged, “Well, Sir, you know as well as I do smoothness is something we aim for but seldom achieve!”

Inara laughed, “Well, let me tell you that “not smooth” has be the order of the day here a little too. The Shepherd being all but brained didn’t help but I’ve finally got the parties to a consensus. It was tough and between you and me I had to get more than a little steely, but it worked. Not but that the Shepherd couldn’t benefit from a look over by Simon, when you’ve finished with your noble but doomed causes.”

“Soon as we got our cargo back, we’ll be right there, promise. How bad is he, should we be droppin’ the doc off on the way?”

“No” Inara smiled at the worry in Mal’s voice, “He’s fine, I think maybe a bit concussed. Seems lucid enough though. May I suggest you hurry for another reason? What’s left of the townsfolk are planning a little commemorative shindig to celebrate the ceasing of hostilities. It’s going to be tomorrow night. If you get back here in time, I think we’ll have the makings of Kaylee’s birthday party all ready for her!”

“Good plan!” said Zoë “We could all use a little R n’ R after our experiences this week - especially Kaylee – being kidnapped ain’t a whole ‘verse a fun, I’m here to tell ya!”

*** Serenity landed at dusk, directly next to the compound of Governor Wilkes. Harriet stepped from the cargo bay doors, followed by Simon, looking, if anything more formal than usual in his neatest waistcoat and cut away jacket. Harriet was wearing a dress purloined for the occasion, with Inara’s consent, from her shuttle collection. It was one of the beaded top and gauze skirt variety and left little to the imagination, while being reasonably classy in a floaty, see-through way.

Governor Wilkes met them at the door to his villa. Smiling as he kissed Hat’s hand and shook Simon’s.

“This is my friend, Simon,” Hat explained, “I’m sure you’ll understand the harm it would do my reputation were I to visit you unescorted.”

“I get ya.” Said the Governor, all smiles and waggling eyebrows, “he’s by way of being a chaperone – I see my lively reputation with the ladies has preceded me.” Hat and Simon did their best to join in the laughter following this remark and they made their way into the garden area. “I’ve given my servants the night off,” the Governor continued with more enthusiastic eyebrow waggling, “so as we could have a bit a privacy. I’m sure, er, Simon, was it?” Simon nodded, “wouldn’t object to maybe takin’ a turn or two round my homestead while you and I talk?”

He leered at Hat, but Simon said, “of course, Governor, I’ll leave you and Miss Harriet to it!” and wandered off towards a distant pool.

“Now” the Governor smiled at Hat, smarm incarnate, “shimmer wine for the lady?”

“Wonderful!” agreed Hat. The Governor popped the cork and poured out two long flutes of wine, handing one to Harriet.

“Now tell me what a charming young lady like you is doin’ on a disreputable piece of *luh-suh* like that ship you came in on . . . “ he smirked. Harriet blushed prettily and shrugged.

“I wanted to see the world. Wasn’t as if there were all that many opportunities back on Northstar - that’s where I’m from,” to emphasise the point she leaned over and touched the Governor’s knee.

The Governor nodded encouragement, “let me get you something to nibble on.” The rather smutty double entendre could not but make its self clear to Harriet, accompanied as it was by a heavy wink. He turned to the bar running along the garden wall, hunting for some nuts. While his eyes were busy elsewhere Hat removed a small vile tucked into her bra and tipped its contents into the Governor’s wine. It frothed briefly and dissolved. The Governor returned to the table carrying a bowl full of fruit and nuts. He raised his eyebrows, encouraging her to continue.

Harriet went on: “Well, there weren’t much going on at home and few men of any kind – our planet fought big for the Independents, so I thought I’d get me gone, travel, you know, see the sights, maybes find a husband . . . “ she paused and raised her glass in a toast: “To the findin’ of husbands!” she smiled archly. The Governor laughed and clinked her glass before draining the contents of his. Hat watched him carefully. She burbled on about this and that for the next several minutes while Governor Wilkes became less and less attentive and less and less coherent. Finally he slumped into a chair and rested his head on the table. A few seconds more and he was snoring, whilst Hat jumped up and down waiving in an effort to attract Simon’s attention.

Simon came galloping back across the garden, “all according to the plan?” he asked. Hat nodded. “Well, we best get him inside where he’s less likely to be found for a while” said Simon. Between them they carried him into the villa and found a small parlour furnished with couches. Laying the Governor down none too gently on one of them, Simon fumbled in his pocket and fished out a large hypodermic. “Right lets send him well and truly into the Black,” he smiled at Hat.

*** Zoë moved silently along the line of the fence in the dusk. One guard was already lying behind a bush, knowing nothing of what had hit him and in line for a serious headache at some distant future point. The other was not yet in sight.

“Gorram it, Zoë,” Jayne’s voice floated through the dusk impatiently, “I ain’t so good with this stealth thing, can’t we just get on with it? Wa’s the hold up?”

“*Tyen shiao-duh* Shuddup and have a bit of gorram patience!” Mal’s whisper was tetchy in the extreme.

The other guard could now be seen through the murk approaching the area of scrub in which they were crouched, calling out for his colleague. Zoë waited until he had passed the bush behind which she was crouching and was facing away from her staring into the encroaching night. Then there was a moment of extreme yet silent violence and the second guard sank gently to the ground.

“Well, now”, Mal stood up from behind a bush, “my thanks, Zoë. Wash, Kaylee get over to that substation and do your computer wizardry would ya?”

Wash, Jayne and Kaylee were already heading over to the small wooden hut attached at right angles to the fence. There was the sound of a door being kicked in and all three disappeared inside.

***

“How ya doin?” Mal leaned in to the door of the hut, he was twitchy and half listening for sounds of disturbance. “I’d say we ain’t got long before someone else comes lookin’ for them guards.”

“*Tah-shr suo-yo dee-yure duh biao-tze duh mah*! We’re doin’ our best!” Wash’s voice was strained. Kayleee seemed to have disappeared entirely under a piece of machinery. Her muffled grunting could be heard.

There was a soft cry and Kaylee’s head appeared nodding at Wash, who breathed a very visible sigh of relief and turned to Mal, “all done, Cap,” he said, “away you go with the rescuin’.” He made a ‘get gone’ motion with his hands. Mal, Jayne and Zoë, who didn’t need to be told twice, disappeared out the door, Jayne clutching a large pair of wire cutters.

*** Night had come on quickly, as Wash and Kaylee did their thing. Zoë and Mal were now helping the large group of slaves through a man-sized hole in the wire fence, while Jayne kept look out. They scrambled through uncertainly to where Hat and Simon, come from the villa, directed them softly towards Serenity. The caper was taking place in near silence, with just the shuffling and scuffling of shoes and the sound of an occasional child.

The hush was unexpectedly broken by the sound of a gun being cocked. Bull Dog, the Governor’s prod, stepped from the shadows. “What the ruttin’ hell is going on?”

Several things happened very fast. Jayne aimed his gun, swore and dropped it to the ground, blood running from his hand. Bull Dog turned to take another shot this time at Mal. Mal, turning round at the noise, felt a tug at his waist and a second shot rang out, felling Bull Dog, bleeding from a hole in his chest. Within seconds several slave men left on the inside of the fence, not to mention some of the women, were on the prostrate Bull Dog, beating him with their fists, hands and stones. It was an ugly, gory sight.

Mal turned to the teenage slave boy standing next to him, holding his smoking gun. “I’ll take that, thanks.” The boy shrugged mutely, then grinned a satisfied little smile and climbed through the hole in the fence. “Jayne, you ok?”

“*Wuo duh ma*! Been shot in the gorram hand, Mal, thanks for askin’.”

Mal looked at the bloody mess of slaves and what had once been a man. He stepped forward and with Zoë’s help began to prize them from the body. “Look,” his voice was firm. “I know you got yer grievances, but justice has well and truly been served here. The man’s more’n dead! Now we need to get yer all through that fence ‘fore the system goes back on line, so I suggest you all get movin’!” He gestured to the fence, “Ladies and Gentlemen, after you.”

Simon scrambled through the fence clutching his red doctor’s bag. He looked at Bull Dog, looking slightly sick, “not much I can do for him!” His face was still grave as he studied Jayne’s hand. “Best get you back to Serenity, where I can see what I’m doing before we try and piece this together again!”

*** The ex-slaves, soon to be Tolmec’s new settlers, were packed safe into the hold of Serenity, Wash and Kaylee had finished removing the collars form each child and Wash had set an overnight course for Tolmec.

The usual mix of crew was gathered in the infirmary, watching Simon repair Jayne’s smashed right hand. “Ow, gorram it! That ruttin’ well hurt! You *hoe-tze duh pee-goo*!”

“Oh stop being such a baby!” Simon was tough. “I’ve got to realign the bones. You do want to use your hand again, I take it?”

Jayne sniffed, “Least you could give me a little smoother!” He wined.

“Oh go on, Doc, give ‘im something – put the rest of us poor folk out of our misery!” Zoë said dryly. Wash peered interestedly at the monitor. “What’s that thing, Doc?” he pointed to what appeared to be some inside bit of Jayne’s hand.

“Oi, d’you mind?” Jayne was peeved. “Feels a bit personal, you all gawpin’ at my insides!”

Hat was watching from the corner looking a bit green, she looked over at Mal who was leaning against the door. “Feel like we’ve already seen enough of people’s insides to last a very long time tonight!”

Kaylee sighed, shivered agreement, and hugged River to her. Mal nodded, “I ain’t saying as that wasn’t one o’ the more creepifyin’ things I seen and one I’ve no call to ever wish to see again! But I guess as they had reason to do what they did. Who knows what that man had done to ‘em. You can’t blame folks for takin’ revenge after what they’d been put to!”

“I s’pose” Hat agreed, “Wouldn’t like to be Governor Wilkes when he wakes up though. Its gonna be a mite eerie, what with him not rememberin’ nothin’ and nobody there to explain it ‘cept two very confused security guards and the mangled remains of his right hand man!”

“Hmm,” Mal agreed “Which reminds me, Doc, just how much is Governor Wilkes gonna recall?”

Simon looked up and grinned. “Well, lets see, I gave him an amount equivalent to the dose you’d need to persuade an elephant to forget it was one. I’d say he’ll probably remember his name and what year it is, but not a lot else. He’ll certainly never have heard of Serenity or any of its crew! And as for his slaves – he might remember he was once a property owner!”

Mal smiled. “Good work, Doc. Now, little Kaylee, lets give some thought to that overdue and then some party of yours!” *** Inara smiled over the tea things back in her beloved shuttle as Hat handed over what she termed “the seduction dress”.

“You know you don’t have to keep thanking me, Harriet. I think you should borrow it for the party too. Don’t you Kaylee?”

Kaylee was curled on Inara’s bed, brushing River’s long dark hair. “Absolutely! You looked real shiny in it, Hat!” she sighed pensively. “Maybe one of the towns folk’ll see you in it – offer to take you away from the non-stop drudgery of bein’ ship’s cook!”

Hat grinned a little wistfully, “oh, Kaylee, dunno as how I’d like that! I mean its nice to dress up and play act ‘ccasionally, but its nice to come home to normality too! It’d have to be someone pretty damn special’d convince me to leave Serenity! But, who knows, maybe my ideal man is out there right now, putting up one a the trestles in the cargo bay!”

Inara raised a delicate eyebrow, “I think he very well may be!” she stated ironically. Hat looked at her with a confused “huh?” and Kaylee and River sniggered.

“Not that it wasn’t real nice to be treated like a woman ‘stead of a cook for once in my gorram life though,” sighed Hat.

“Well then,” said Inara. “You should wear that dress tonight, I won’t take no for an answer. It’ll give you a chance to be a woman for just a little bit longer.”

“Shiny!” said Hat “I will! But right now I’ve got to go get the mini pizzas out of the oven and start on the nibbles! See you’all later!”

As Hat headed down the catwalk, River opened her mouth to speak, but Inara held one finger to her lips. Once she was sure that Hat was out of hearing distance she turned to River and Kaylee. “Well, girls, I think this might just work, don’t you?”

*** Book looked quizzically at Simon. “Well, Doctor, do I pass the test. Can I go or do you have to watch me some more?”

Simon turned from the infirmary counter and looked at the older man. “Well, you seem lucid enough, but I’d like to keep you under observation for a day or two. That’s quite a crack you’ve got on your skull, about 6 stitches. I think I’d like it if you stayed here in the infirmary over night. I’m sorry, you’ll miss the party, but we’ll make sure we each spend some time visiting and bring you some food.”

The Shepherd sighed, “To tell you the truth, I’m not one for parties as a general rule anyhow. Prefer a quieter time. I’ll just rest here and read then. Just so long as I get some of that party food Harriet’s been cooking up all day!”

Simon smiled at him, “I’ll make sure of it,” he said.

*** “Gorramit Jayne, you pick at one more thing an’ I’ll break yer hand again!” Hat snapped. Dusk was falling around Serenity, parked in a large cornfield on the edge of town. The townsfolk, new settlers and the crew of Serenity not otherwise gainfully employed had set up trestle tables around the open mouth of the cargo bay and fires had been lit, glowing in the dusk like so many pieces of amber. A flat space directly in front of the doors had been cleared to make a roomy dance floor.

Kaylee sighed. “It all looks so darn pretty, doesn’t it Hat? Like a golden necklace!”

Harriet nodded and smiled at the younger girl. “Its shiny all right. Happy Birthday finally, Kaylee!”

“Yes,” said Simon coming up behind them and reaching, slightly awkwardly for Kaylee’s hand, “A very happy birthday, Kaylee!” He smiled into her eyes, which faithfully smiled back.

“Love’s young dream,” said Mal sarcastically, strolling up with Wash and Zoë in tow.

“Oh come on, Mal” said Wash, “surely you remember what its like to feel like you’re the only two people in the ‘verse and the sunset was made just for you?”

“Can’t say as I rightly do,” said Mal, quirking his mouth in a strange smile, whilst Hat hit Wash on the arm gently. “You old romantic, you!” she smiled.

”That’s my husband,” said Zoë, proudly, “big with the romance, small on the practicalities!” She smiled at him fondly, a smile which turned into a fair bit of canoodling.

“Well,” said Jayne, looking enthusiastic, his hand wrapped up in an outsized white bandage, “now that Kaylee’s here, the festivities can begin, right? ”

“Indeed they can.” Agreed Mal.

“About ruttin’ time,” said Jayne, “Hat, how’s about a dance?” ***

The sun had set and the night outside the cargo bay, save where the fires burned and shone, was very dark. Mal strolled up to Inara who was leaning against the wall of the cargo bay watching the dancers and the rest of the party swing. He smiled.

“Having a good time?”

She returned his smile, “yes thank you, this party is most amusing. I enjoy people watching!”

“Not dancing?”

“This isn’t really my kind of dancing,” she laughed, “how could I compete?”

“Well, no I concede that, I ain’t one for any kinda dancing my own self!”

Mal laughed as his eyes turned to the dance floor thronged with ex-slaves and townsfolk dancing to a jaunty settler tune. All but Kaylee and the Doctor who, somewhat incongruously, were managing to slow dance in the face of the decidedly up-tempo music. Involuntarily, among the throng he picked out Harriet who, having been lifted up bodily by Jayne, was being swung round and round. Her face was flushed and she was laughing, whilst simultaneously slapping Jayne every time his hand strayed towards her bottom. Inara followed his eyes.

“Seem to be having a good time,” she nodded towards the couple.

“Hum,” said Mal, “seems so. Though Jayne could take it down a notch or two if he’s wantin’ to keep that hand. Why do’you deck ‘er out in all that frippery any how, looks all manner of bizarre!”

Inara chuckled. “No Mal, It doesn’t! She looks lovely, she just looks different, that’s all. I didn’t realise it would discombobulate you so much!”

“Ain’t no discombobulating goin’ on!” Mal glared, “whatever the hell that means! It just somehow don’t fit, is all. Leads men to make the wrong impression, look at Jayne – takin’ all kinds a liberties he wouldn’t normal!”

“They’re just having fun, Mal.” Inara looked at him sideways, took a deep breath and decided to take the bull by the horns. As though changing the subject, despite the fact that Mal’s eyes still rested on the frantic antics of Hat and Jayne, she said, “tell me, Mal, have you ever heard the ancient Chinese proverb about the three blind men and the elephant in the middle of the room?”

Mal turned to look at her incredulously. “Ok, so you’ve finally gone off your nut? I knew it would happen some day, space dementia and all!”

Inara smiled serenely and continued: “One of the blind men felt the elephant’s trunk and declared it was a snake, the next man felt the elephant’s tail and said it was a rope and the third man felt one of the elephant’s scaly legs and said it was a tree trunk.”

“Nope,” Mal shook his head in mock confusion, “I got no notion where yer going with this, ‘Nara, but trust me, that don’t mean the ride ain’t fun!”

“My point is,” said Inara pointedly, “that, despite there being a whopping elephant in the middle of the room, not one of them knew it. It was just too big, they were all sensing the parts and ignoring the whole . .”

Mal raised an eyebrow inquisitively and smirked encouragement at her. This was the tricky part. Inara swallowed and continued. At least his gaze had moved back inexorably to Hat and Jayne.

“Some people might look at you and her,” no need to say Harriet’s name, “and see you argue. They might think you hate each other . . .”

“Well, tell you truly, s’not often we find ourselves in a hundred percent agreement!” Said Mal. He was now eyeing Inara cautiously, wondering where the conversation was going.

“Where you headed with this, Nara?”

“All I’m saying is, they wouldn’t be seeing the bigger picture. You say you don’t dance, but you two have been dancing around each other like crazy for nigh on a year now. It ought to stop.”

“Ain’t gonna”, growled Mal, “’sides shipboard romances complicate things, you know that!”

“So they do,” agreed Inara, “but sometimes we’re so intent on trying to avoid something it gets more complicated still. At this point, seems to me it would be a lot less complicated if you two would just admit a few home truths.”

Mal humphed, “you keep saying “we”, but seems to me this is one of your little lectures aimed solely at me!”

“And so it is” agreed Inara complacently. “Look, you say shipboard relationships complicate things, but you can’t pretend that you and Hat don’t have a relationship right now! You already make each other miserable! Look at you, all eaten up over her dancing with Jayne!” Mal’s yelping protest of “That so ain’t true!” was overridden by her continuing, “so my advice is: why not get it out in the open? Bed her and then make each other miserable – at least you’ll be getting some pleasure out of the deal!”

Mal turned to her, eyes wide, scandalised and unable to do anything more than move his mouth in a pretty passable fish impression, he took a deep breath preparatory to speaking, when at that moment, Zoë, wandering by and looking for Wash with an idea of a make-out session, slapped him hard on the back, saying “everything OK, Sir?” and causing him to turn his speech into a cough.

Inara smiled sweetly at Zoë. “Everything’s fine, Zoë, I was just telling our Captain here that its high time he stopped pussy-footing around and bedded our cook.” She nodded towards Hat who was now dancing somewhat more carefully with Goldy. Mal’s scandalised expression deepened and he began spluttering helplessly.

“Hell yes!” agreed Zoë chummily, “Its time and a half since you shoulda got on with it, Sir, plus it’ll make my job a lot easier and you a lot less crotchety if ya just seize the moment!”

Inara laughed and Mal, who’d regained his voice somewhat said, “that’s it, Zo, I know you been with me a long time, but I’m putting you and that husband of yours off at the next port, make no mistake! This is open defiance, no wait a minute, we’re on a ship! Mutiny is what it is – I’m having you keel-hauled!!”

“Course you are, Sir” said Zoë indulgently patting him gently on the shoulder and wandered off to find her husband.

Inara just raised an elegant eyebrow at Mal who sighed; decided he was outmanoeuvred and sloped off to find a drink.

***

Much later, Harriet wandered around the cargo bay, strewn with the debris of the party and the few fights that had developed (all in fun, of course), picking up the torn streamers and collecting together the empty bottles. She sighed. Inara’s dress had received a tear to one sleeve, which she’d have to sew up, but on the whole, she reflected the party itself had been quite enjoyable. So, there were a few minor disturbances, but that was to be expected on Serenity, the “things not smooth” ship.

She turned to see the Captain stroll in from the direction of the infirmary where he’d been checking Jayne and Book’s progress. The wound on Jayne’s hand had opened again due to his wild dancing and he’d covered a chair and a rather indignant young lady ex-slave in blood before being persuaded to let Simon take a look.

“Tydin’ up?”

“Um, no. . ” Hat responded somewhat sarcastically, “thought I’d just wander round the bay picking things up and putting them in piles for no reason.”

“Oh, ok, so stupid question? . . . your dress is torn,” he reached out to touch the short sleeve of the silk dress. Harriet flinched away.

“S’not mine, s’Inara’s. Looks like I’m gonna have some substantial grovelling to do after I’ve sewn it up.”

“See, that’s why you shouldn’t wear dresses, awful impractical! You should stick to overalls, then you could muck in with a good shindig, no questions asked!”

“Oh I get it,” sighed Harriet, “To tell you the truth, I was kinda wondering why you never complimented me on my outfit. Its ‘cos you don’t think I can do my job properly while wearing it, ain’t it? Might ‘ve known you’d be worried about work!”

“Hey, come on now, been a long day, you know full well that ain’t what I meant. . . Is jus’ dunno as how that look is really you, is all.”

“Right well, ok, thanks for letting me know. Tweaked though! Everyone else seemed to like it! Simon told me I looked “lovely” and even Jayne said as how, now let me see . . . Oh yes, as how I was the sexiest thing on Serenity!”

“Oh well, if Jayne gave you a compliment, how flattering! No reason to think his judgement’s blurry! This is the man whose criteria for an attractive woman pretty much stops at a pulse!”

Silence rang through the cargo bay like the note of a bell as Mal and Harriet squared off and Mal realised, quite suddenly, he’d gone too far. Of course she looked good in that dress! Who wouldn’t with a figure like her’s? God, did he just think that? All this was a mite too unsettling. He didn’t think of Harriet that way, did he? Confound it! Too late to take anything back now anyhow, Harriet had started to yell.

“*Chur ni-duh*! Well, at least, Malcolm Reynolds, I know what you think! I just wanted one gorram night where I looked like a woman instead of a grubby cook, but you just can’t wait for me to get back up to the galley and back into my appointed role, can you? It upsets all your ideas of what’s right to have me do something other than what you pay me for, don’t it? Well, right now I ain’t doin’ a thing! You can ruttin’ well clear up your own gorram self!” she thrust a dirty plate into his hands, “I’m going to bed”.

“Hat, I didn’t . . ”

“Save it, Mal, why don’t you go see if Inara is up for a night cap? Maybe you could finish your earlier conflab!” she growled and the cursed herself for showing how hurt she’d been.

“*Wuh de tyen*! Oh ho!” Mal’s eye’s glinted, “is that what this is about? We’re a little bit upset at how long Inara and I spent jabbering this evening, are we?”

Nothing was calculated to infuriate Harriet more.

“Not at all,” she said, her teeth bared, “I frankly pity Inara having to listen to your perpetual drivel. But I am MAD that I never seem to get given even the smallest bit o’ gorram time OFF!”

Mal swore gently as Harriet marched away and then turned to the party remains. Taking up a three quarters full bottle of malt and a cleanish tumbler he headed for the table. Settling himself into a chair and flinging his feet on the table in a lonely act of defiance, he swore “women!” and poured himself a shot.

***

Swinging into the cargo bay a while later, Zoë and Wash were greeted by the sight of the soles of Mal’s boots and then by the belligerent form of the Captain himself.

“You ok, Cap?” asked Zoë anxiously.

“Tol’ you the party weren’t gonna go so well, din’I, but noooo,” he shook his head frantically, “no one listens to me, I’m jus’ the Captain after all!” His bitterness was palpable.

“Yes, you are Sir,” said Zoë, “an excellent Captain, if I may say so, and hardly in need of further alcohol . . If I may, sir” . . . she reached for the bottle and wrinkled her brow in confusion at her husband. Just what had got Mal upset enough to drink himself into a coma? Wash just shrugged perplexedly at her and poured himself a stiff one. Zoë sat down and, with an ‘if you can’t beat’em, join ‘em’ air, reached for a glass.

“Zoë?” said Mal, waiving his glass in a defiant manner, “care to enlighten me as to the whys involved with how come we EVER allowed women on this ship and who’s tom fool idea it was?”

“Sir, I think you might be missing the fact that I myself am of the feminine persuasion,” pointed out Zoë.

“Oh yeah, sorry Zo, didn’t mean you, you’re more like a man-woman thingy. . . “

“Well thank you, Sir!” Said Zoë icily.

“Whoa, hold on there, Mal,” interjected Wash, “I’m here to tell you my wife is very womanly on occasion, very feminine indeed, plus she does have that female trait of getting fair upset when someone accuses her of bein’ a man, right hon?”

“Right husband!” agreed Zoë, smiling softly at Wash.

“What happened, Mal?” said Wash gently, “I guessing as its Harriet.”

Zoë raised an eyebrow at him. “How you figure that, Husband?”

Mal’s chin had slumped onto his chest and he seemed to be contemplating some deep truth – or at least his eyes had gone somewhat fixed and dilated.

“Just seen her on the bridge,” said Wash, “she was saying as how she thinks she needs to move on and was wondering where our next good stop might be, I figured the Captain here had finally pissed her off once too often!”

“And there it is.” Said Zoë quietly, just as the Captain’s head flicked up and, his eyes focusing on Wash, his hands reached out to clutch the smaller man by the lapels of his florid shirt. “She’s leaving?” he said, disbelief and anger, sorrow and spite mixed in his words with equal measure.

*** Harriet waited until she got to her bunk to start crying and then she told herself it was just that she was so tired. She would miss Serenity, but surely missing everyone was better than eating her heart out over some ridiculous man as wasn’t worth it anyhow.

She threw off her clothes, cursing Malcolm Reynolds and all his works and then picked up the silk dress and hung it carefully in the corner of the room. Just because she was distraught, was no reason to ruin Inara’s dress. She washed her face and slid between the cool sheets of her bed. She lay a wake for a while contemplating how best to poison Mal without the others finding out, but eventually, worn out with bile, she fell asleep.

She awoke some considerable time later, not knowing why, but only that something had disturbed her and that it was still night. She sat up and switched on the lamp by her bed. Next thing she knew she was having a heart attack. When the thumping in her ears had calmed down she was able to see that the shape, looming from the shadows and swaying a tad, was a drunken Malcolm Reynolds.

“Mal, what the *guay* . . .?”

“What gives you the gorram right to just up an’ leave? You don’t even consult anyone? You just make the decision and that’s that??” He was clearly pretty angry.

“Mal, ‘hello’,” said Harriet, angry in her turn “its”, she checked the clock, “3 a.m. and: naked here!” she indicated with a wave of her hand that she was indeed sitting up in bed stark naked.

Mal gulped “*Ta ma duh*! Er, sorry!” he swung round in an attempt to put his back to her but, being slightly the worse for wear, swung round a full 360 degrees and finished where he’d started, staring agape at her breasts.

Harriet glared with exasperation. “Oh, just pass me that T-shirt, will you?”

She gestured to the table and Mal turned to find an outsized T-shirt thrown on its corner, one which he in fact recognised. “Hey,” he began “this is my gorram . . . ”

“Is now really the time? “ asked Hat snippily, “just give it here!” she snatched it from his outstretched hand and threw it on. Then she sat on the edge of her bed and looked him in the eye, “now, you were saying?”

Mal, the wind completely taken out of his sails gulped. “Well, I was just talkin’ to Wash and he mentioned as how you were thinkin’ on leaving and I just thought . . “ he trailed off.

“Let me help you out! You thought, ‘oh, no! What the hell will I do without a cook?’ I know!” sighed Hat. “And you thought, ‘its 3 in the morning and I didn’t upset Hat enough earlier. I think I’ll mosey on down to her bunk and shout at her some more!’”

“I upset you?” asked Mal, looking like he’d caught Hat out, “thought you were jus’ mad!”

Harriet sighed heartily and stood up to face the Captain. “Look, Mal, its 3 in the morning and I ain’t got the enthusiasm to argue no more. How’s about you go on to bed and we’ll take this up again in the mornin’? Oh then, rest assured, I’ll parry and debate, I might even have a few witticisms up my sleeve, but today, so far, Jayne’s been shot, the preacher’s had his head stove in with a chair, we’ve had what some might go so far as to term a rumpus, we’ve had a party and to crown it all we’ve had a stinkin’ row and now I’d like, no, wait, I NEED to sleep!”

“No you wait,” said Mal, he gently took her hands and motioned her to sit down, then he sat beside her and let out a long sigh. He didn’t let go of her hand but he couldn’t seem to look at her either.

“Harriet, *ee-chee shung-hoo-shee*! You wanna know what I was talking to ‘Nara about for so long?”

“No!” said Harriet petulantly.

“You.” Said Mal flatly. “She reckons as how sometimes things get more complicated the more you try to straighten them out. Like, the more you try an’ avoid some *niou-se*, the more likely you are to step in another one. She says as how sometimes complications are the way to go and I reckon I agree with her. . . . Harriet, I’m tired of making out like I don’t . . .”

“Mal,” Hat had to stop him. She was shaking, “Stop, I didn’t . . . ”

“Harriet, this is stupid, this whole thing, the dancing around it, like an elephant in the cargo bay, the sniping and the watching each other when we think the other one ain’t lookin’. It’s all too gorram complicated. I think we need to do this instead.” He leaned around her and kissed her very gently on the lips. Harriet kissed him back, she couldn’t help it and the frustration of months exploded between them. The kiss depended. Harriet broke it.

She smiled at him winsomely and slightly cheekily. “So what yer actually sayin’ is, I did look good in that dress!” she gestured to where it was hanging.

“Disturbingly so,” grinned Mal. Then, as he looked at her his eyes turned dark and serious once more and he kissed her with decided passion.

*** Later Harriet said into the darkness, from her position wound around Mal’s chest, “so, let me get this straight, you compared our love to *niou-se*?”

She heard the rumble of Mal’s laughter as it reverberated through his chest.

“Who said anythin’ about love, *bao bay*?” he asked. Harriet sniggered as he rolled her over.

*** Much, much later as Harriet drifted off into a very contented sleep, she heard Mal say accusingly; “you were wearing my gorram T-shirt! I love that shirt!”

“It was all I had of you,” shrugged Harriet in explanation and was rewarded with the snake of his arms as he drew her to him.