Title: Jayne Woke Up FAIRY Author: Moonloon Rating: PG13 Disclaimer: Not mine. I'll put 'em back when I'm done. Sorry about the... shrinkage. Note: There's a piece of artwork that goes with this. If I can work out how to upload it...

"Aaaaaargh!"

Mal stopped walking. There was screaming coming from Jayne's quarters. People tended to scream a lot around Jayne, either because he was breaking their limbs, or because he was driving them crazy with his ape-man logic. The screaming wasn't usually so high-pitched though.

He stuck his head down Jayne's ladder. "Uh... anything I should be concerned about down there?"

The screaming cut off, mid-argh. "No. Nothing wrong down here."

Mal wasn't reassured. It was Jayne's voice all right, but it sounded like Jayne had been sucking down helium, and Mal was damned sure they didn't have any on board. "Jayne, unless you've got a good reason for sounding like something has your nuts in a really tight vice, I'm coming down."

"Nooooo!" Jayne's voice squeaked high enough to make Mal wince.

"Okay, now do you.... gan ni niang!"

Jayne's room was covered in iridescent dust, and hovering in mid air was Jayne.

All ten inches of him.

With fluffy white wings.

Naked.

"Wa cao!" Mall spun around, so he wasn't looking at Jayne any more. He wasn't sure what he found more disturbing: the wings or the nudity. "What in the Hell happened to you?"

"It's that damned moonbrain!" Jayne squeaked. "She did this to me. You know she's got them spooky mind powers and all."

Unfortunately that made sense. "Why would River do that?"

"'Cuz she's crazy, Mal. What other reason does she need? And why am I talking to the back of your head?"

"Huh. You might want to cover up a piece before I turn back around." For some reason Mal's head was screaming 'tiny flying penis!' at him.

"Oh for gosh sakes, Mal. It's just a johnson, we both got one."

"And see how I'm not waving mine around in front of you."

"Fine." There was a ripping noise and a muffled 'ow'. "You can turn around now, without your dignity getting all offended and stuff."

Mal turned around and managed to swallow the panicky giggles that threatened to over come him. "Nice hanky."

"My Mama always said a boy should have a clean hanky." He fluttered up to Mal's eye level and stroked the material slung toga-like around him. "She gave this to me before I went off-world." Jayne's tiny eyes narrowed. "Any jokes about the lace and I don't care if I ain't even a foot tall, I will kick your ass."

"No. No jokes, I'm sure lacy white handkerchiefs are what all the best-dressed fairies are wearing this year."

"Fairy! I ain't no fairy. You... Aw Hell." Jayne stopped flapping his wings and plopped down on his bed. A cloud of dust drifted up, ticking Mal's nose.

"What?"

"Fairy. That's why she done this." Jayne waved a fist at the ceiling. "I called her brother a fairy. I don't know why she got all hoity-toity about it, it's not like it ain't obvious he's sly. Kaylee's done everything but serve up her twat on his dinner dish, and he ain't so much as loosened a cufflink."

That pissed Mal off. "Jayne, don't you dare..."

"I know! I know. Sorry. But this got me all twisted up and I don't think all that straight when I got a brain seven times bigger'n this one." Jayne's wings drooped. "What am I going to do, Mal? I can't even pick up Sybil." Jayne waved at a small handgun tucked into an ankle holster. "I don't know what I'll do if I can't ever fire Vera again."

Mal rolled his eyes. His treacherously soft heart was pointing out how pitiful poor tiny Jayne sounded. "Jayne, I'm sure we'll be able to figure something out."

"Like what?" Jayne threw his arms out and two fireballs zipped from his hands and set fire to the walls. "Ta ma de!"

Mal slapped the fire out with his coat, Jayne's quarters had enough ordinance to blow them all to the Core if it caught fire. "Wo xi wang ni man man si, dan kuai dian xia di yu! What the Hell was that?"

Jayne was staring in awe at his hands. "Hey, Mal... I can make fire!"

"No, really? 'Cuz I thought that was rose petals I was beating out with my best coat."

"I think the pixie dust is a fire retar... thing that puts out fires." Jayne flicked a tiny spark onto a pile of dust, where it fizzled and went out. "Heh, cool."

Which is how Serenity came to be known as 'That Gorram ship with the fireball-slingin' psycho-fairy'.